Re/Max NOC employees: It is not acceptable to wear sunglasses while working inside the office. Not only is it completely against the ReMax dress code, it is a tremendous safety hazard. There are two people in the office that insist on wearing sunglasses at work to show that "they are somebody." But I am here to tell you, Ed and Randy, that you are not celebrities with photographers clambering to take your picture; you guys are no Tom Selleck (just ask Stephanie or Suzi). Sunglasses worn indoors are a privilege to those that underwent training in the Secret Service                                           and the blind  (which makes no sense to me, why would blind people need any kind of glasses?). The other exception is if you are Mr. Tommy Lee Jones Consider this  a warning, lose the sunglasses or I'll lose them for you.

The summer solstice has just passed. While this is a time to get excited about the new season's beet crop (and our brand new cabbage crop!) it is also a time when people play fast and loose with the thermostat.

To eradicate the biannual battle over the thermostat, I have installed a titanium lock-box around the thermostats in both the office and the annex. Only I have the key and I will set the temperature at twenty-eight point five degrees Celsius (eighty-three point three degreesFahrenheit.) Several studies based on the average human (thirty-five year old male,  six feet tall with a neck beard) have shown this to be the optimal temperature for cost savings in both electricity and human work output.

Lowering the temperature is akin to feeding dollar bills into the air conditioners. Raising the temperature makes workers too disoriented to be productive. 

Should you not be average and want to feel "comfortable," I will hold a series of Neijia classes  during lunch every Wednesday in July on how to find your optimum body temperature using mind control. Meet in the parking lot. The cost is $25.00 per class. Should your productivity wane, these classes will become mandatory.

Finally someone gets it! This guy is AWESOME!! I think we would make a great duo or team!!

People, it's springtime and creepy crawlies  are starting to emege from all the cracks and crevices.  I urge you not to kill them.  Please bag them up and bring them to me at once.  I need them for soil aeration and to pollinate my beet flowers.  Your cooperation will be noted.

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT KILL THE BUGS!!!

 Spring  has sprung and so have mold spores.The Schrutes for generations have ritually taken part in this annual event, often referred to as "Spring Cleaning".   I will perform my quarterly office disinfection on Saturday because I will no longer subject myself to your whining about the fumes. not my fault the windows don't open or that your constitutions are weak. I refuse to use commercially produced cleaners.  I may play fast and loose with cleanliness, but I will not If you want to help, I will accept applications for sturdy volunteers to come in on Saturday to aid in the cleaning. 

      

Should you choose not to participate, I will take no responsibility for the contents in, on, and around your desk. I am coming in to clean, not to organize your pathetic lives. Should something not be where you left it, I cannot be held accountable. Should my solvents discolor or dissolve your items, I will not be responsible sorry.  

         

Cleaning day is cleaning day - period. Any family members brought with you will be expected to clean - regardless of age. (That means you:  Ed, Oakley and Cindy)

        

I say if Carol Burnett can do it, so can you people!!! and she's famous   

Much of the talk around the office lately has been about the Winter Olympics. I generally choose not to participate in such trivial uses of time. However, I am left with no other choice but to set the record straight on these so-called sports.

Any sport in which gravity does more than fifty percent of the work can hardly be considered a sport. A bobsleigh is a simple method of transportation, which my relatives in Germany still use to traverse the hilly countryside in winter.

 I might as well map out my drive to work every morning and call that an Olympic event. What I would watch is four men carrying a bobsleigh up an icy slope. They could train with my ninety-year-old grandmutter who pushes a sled uphill from her hut to the main house every morning.

And what is the allure of short track speed skating? They skate in circles wearing girly spandex and think they are tough because they might crash into each other in their cozy indoor ice rink. A bunch of pre-teens do that every Saturday night at the Ice Box. I say, take away their helmets and full body suits and put them outside. A true winter athlete will not be susceptible to hypothermia. Might I also mention, Apolo Anton Ohno is a ridiculous name.

When I bring up Magdalena Neuner, the young nubile German who won the 10K and mass start biathlon races, no one knows who she is or why she was robbed in the sprint. She is one of the greatest athletes of our day in a true sport that requires gun use. Although I find it revolting that she opted out of the relay so others had a chance at winning medals, I do own several of her knitted socks. They are usefully warm as only a German can manufacture. It's as though she is holding my feet every night with her strong, steady, and deadly hands.

What simple maneuver can help us spend one-sixteenth of what we've been spending on paper AND also help us spend one-sixteenth of what we've been spending on printer toner? Confused? Well, it's a riddle.

  I'll give you a hint, the answer is the "printer layout" function on our print menu.

Instead of printing one page per page, everyone in the office is now obligated  to print 16 pages per page. Our office alone stands to save literally a few hundred dollars a year from this! Do it across every ReMax office and we're talking about a few thousand dollars!!! Like many of my innovations, I'm sure there will be some minor resistance when this is implemented.

Those with inferior visual perception   may complain of eye pain,    asthenopia, temporary blindness, permanent blindness, and a variety of other ophthalmological conditions, but that's exactly why you are responsible for getting your own medical insurance.So get on the wagon and join the cause people.  We cannot afford to be wasteful anylonger.  Waste not Want not!!

  This has become a hot topic of debate in the office lately.  Ed is demanding them in the men's room and Linda on the other hand could care less. I ask you, do we really need to slaughter another small forrest, just so Ed can sit on a doiley?? Please, here are just a few examples:

 This is the "Prince Edward Special," it's gold plated and pleated

here is one for Linda    some for Suzi

as you can see there is no shortage of people with nothing but time on their hands to make up these silly things.  However, I did see one model, that I thought might be a good idea, and here it is ~

it's the handy dandy toilet seat re-cover-er. and it's sanitary, not that that matters in our men's room, geez how about flushing once in awhile guys ? !! I also say it's time to put back in the pay toilets, they can help defer the costs of adding the re-cover-er's.  So now is the time to let your voice be heard, vote yes or no by leaving your comment and let us know how you feel.

That is all - Dwight

Teen Finds Cocaine in Skittles Box at CVS, apparently at this drugstore, you don't need a prescription !!

MIDDLEBURG, FL -- The Clay County Sheriff's Office says there isn't enough evidence to continue investigating a bag of cocaine that was found in a Skittles box at a local CVS.

The CVS manager says that although security cameras were in use at the time of the incident, due to the angle of the camera, they were unable to see who dropped off the 1.2 gram bag of cocaine.

A CVS spokesperson, Mike DeAngelis, says "there's no evidence of somebody placing a foreign object near the candy."

Police say Bonnie Cowart and her 14-year-old son went into the CVS on CR 218 and SR 21 around 5:45 p.m. Wednesday. Her son, Corby Cowart, says he found a bag of cocaine next to the bag of Skittles inside the candy box.

OMG, how dumb can these hic sheriff's be? This was obviously "a drop", and the intended perp didn't make it to the candy aisle quick enough.  If only I could clone myself and be all places at all times, I'd put an end to yet another stupid crackhead, dope dealer on the loose.

   remember people, "Crack Kills"