Dwight's Blogosphere's

If only you were as Cool as I.......

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 17:45:01 -0700

Re/Max NOC employees: It is not acceptable to wear sunglasses while working inside the office. Not only is it completely against the ReMax dress code, it is a tremendous safety hazard. There are two people in the office that insist on wearing sunglasses at work to show that "they are somebody." But I am here to tell you, Ed and Randy, that you are not celebrities with photographers clambering to take your picture; you guys are no Tom Selleck (just ask Stephanie or Suzi). Sunglasses worn indoors are a privilege to those that underwent training in the Secret Service and the blind (which makes no sense to me, why would blind people need any kind of glasses?). The other exception is if you are Mr. Tommy Lee Jones Consider this a warning, lose the sunglasses or I'll lose them for you.

28.5 Degrees Celsius People!! aka: 83.3 Degrees Fahrenheit !

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 18:19:33 -0700

The summer solstice has just passed. While this is a time to get excited about the new season's beet crop (and our brand new cabbage crop!) it is also a time when people play fast and loose with the thermostat.

To eradicate the biannual battle over the thermostat, I have installed a titanium lock-box around the thermostats in both the office and the annex. Only I have the key and I will set the temperature at twenty-eight point five degrees Celsius (eighty-three point three degreesFahrenheit.) Several studies based on the average human (thirty-five year old male, six feet tall with a neck beard) have shown this to be the optimal temperature for cost savings in both electricity and human work output.

Lowering the temperature is akin to feeding dollar bills into the air conditioners. Raising the temperature makes workers too disoriented to be productive.

Should you not be average and want to feel "comfortable," I will hold a series of Neijia classes during lunch every Wednesday in July on how to find your optimum body temperature using mind control. Meet in the parking lot. The cost is $25.00 per class. Should your productivity wane, these classes will become mandatory.

Have YOU Seen the::: Chart Ninja???

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Thu, 27 May 2010 15:09:12 -0700

Finally someone gets it! This guy is AWESOME!! I think we would make a great duo or team!!

Save Your Bugs!!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 18:56:07 -0700

People, it's springtime and creepy crawlies are starting to emege from all the cracks and crevices. I urge you not to kill them. Please bag them up and bring them to me at once. I need them for soil aeration and to pollinate my beet flowers. Your cooperation will be noted.

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT KILL THE BUGS!!!

Spring has Sprung ~ Kill that MOLD!!!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 14:32:37 -0700

Spring has sprung and so have mold spores.The Schrutes for generations have ritually taken part in this annual event, often referred to as "Spring Cleaning". I will perform my quarterly office disinfection on Saturday because I will no longer subject myself to your whining about the fumes. not my fault the windows don't open or that your constitutions are weak. I refuse to use commercially produced cleaners. I may play fast and loose with cleanliness, but I will not If you want to help, I will accept applications for sturdy volunteers to come in on Saturday to aid in the cleaning.

Should you choose not to participate, I will take no responsibility for the contents in, on, and around your desk. I am coming in to clean, not to organize your pathetic lives. Should something not be where you left it, I cannot be held accountable. Should my solvents discolor or dissolve your items, I will not be responsible sorry.

Cleaning day is cleaning day - period. Any family members brought with you will be expected to clean - regardless of age. (That means you: Ed, Oakley and Cindy)

I say if Carol Burnett can do it, so can you people!!! and she's famous

The Winter Olympics....yeah right

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 14:17:51 -0800

Much of the talk around the office lately has been about the Winter Olympics. I generally choose not to participate in such trivial uses of time. However, I am left with no other choice but to set the record straight on these so-called sports.

Any sport in which gravity does more than fifty percent of the work can hardly be considered a sport. A bobsleigh is a simple method of transportation, which my relatives in Germany still use to traverse the hilly countryside in winter.

I might as well map out my drive to work every morning and call that an Olympic event. What I would watch is four men carrying a bobsleigh up an icy slope. They could train with my ninety-year-old grandmutter who pushes a sled uphill from her hut to the main house every morning.

And what is the allure of short track speed skating? They skate in circles wearing girly spandex and think they are tough because they might crash into each other in their cozy indoor ice rink. A bunch of pre-teens do that every Saturday night at the Ice Box. I say, take away their helmets and full body suits and put them outside. A true winter athlete will not be susceptible to hypothermia. Might I also mention, Apolo Anton Ohno is a ridiculous name.

When I bring up Magdalena Neuner, the young nubile German who won the 10K and mass start biathlon races, no one knows who she is or why she was robbed in the sprint. She is one of the greatest athletes of our day in a true sport that requires gun use. Although I find it revolting that she opted out of the relay so others had a chance at winning medals, I do own several of her knitted socks. They are usefully warm as only a German can manufacture. It's as though she is holding my feet every night with her strong, steady, and deadly hands.

It's Time to Cut Costs !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 18:01:43 -0800

What simple maneuver can help us spend one-sixteenth of what we've been spending on paper AND also help us spend one-sixteenth of what we've been spending on printer toner? Confused? Well, it's a riddle.

I'll give you a hint, the answer is the "printer layout" function on our print menu.

Instead of printing one page per page, everyone in the office is now obligated to print 16 pages per page. Our office alone stands to save literally a few hundred dollars a year from this! Do it across every ReMax office and we're talking about a few thousand dollars!!! Like many of my innovations, I'm sure there will be some minor resistance when this is implemented.

Those with inferior visual perception may complain of eye pain, asthenopia, temporary blindness, permanent blindness, and a variety of other ophthalmological conditions, but that's exactly why you are responsible for getting your own medical insurance.So get on the wagon and join the cause people. We cannot afford to be wasteful anylonger. Waste not Want not!!

Help Take A...Bite Outta Crime

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 18:33:03 -0700

Butt Gaskets ~Do We Really Need Them?

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 18:35:06 -0700

This has become a hot topic of debate in the office lately. Ed is demanding them in the men's room and Linda on the other hand could care less. I ask you, do we really need to slaughter another small forrest, just so Ed can sit on a doiley?? Please, here are just a few examples:

This is the "Prince Edward Special," it's gold plated and pleated

here is one for Linda some for Suzi

as you can see there is no shortage of people with nothing but time on their hands to make up these silly things. However, I did see one model, that I thought might be a good idea, and here it is ~

it's the handy dandy toilet seat re-cover-er. and it's sanitary, not that that matters in our men's room, geez how about flushing once in awhile guys ? !! I also say it's time to put back in the pay toilets, they can help defer the costs of adding the re-cover-er's. So now is the time to let your voice be heard, vote yes or no by leaving your comment and let us know how you feel.

That is all - Dwight

Put Down the Pop-Rocks Kid !

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 14:23:43 -0700

Teen Finds Cocaine in Skittles Box at CVS, apparently at this drugstore, you don't need a prescription !!

MIDDLEBURG, FL -- The Clay County Sheriff's Office says there isn't enough evidence to continue investigating a bag of cocaine that was found in a Skittles box at a local CVS.

The CVS manager says that although security cameras were in use at the time of the incident, due to the angle of the camera, they were unable to see who dropped off the 1.2 gram bag of cocaine.

A CVS spokesperson, Mike DeAngelis, says "there's no evidence of somebody placing a foreign object near the candy."

Police say Bonnie Cowart and her 14-year-old son went into the CVS on CR 218 and SR 21 around 5:45 p.m. Wednesday. Her son, Corby Cowart, says he found a bag of cocaine next to the bag of Skittles inside the candy box.

OMG, how dumb can these hic sheriff's be? This was obviously "a drop", and the intended perp didn't make it to the candy aisle quick enough. If only I could clone myself and be all places at all times, I'd put an end to yet another stupid crackhead, dope dealer on the loose.

remember people, "Crack Kills"

Paper is Not to Waste People !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:07:29 -0700

I've told you people time and time again, just because we are a real estate company that uses forms and alot of paper, does not mean we have paper to waste. On the contrary, every paper wasted is a piece of a tree just thrown into the tree chipper. Not to mention the money you're costing the company. I see how you misuse paper with crappy drawings (Vu), by printing up celebrity horoscopes (Edward), or by tearing it into strips to roll cigarettes (Jonh and Bill) (go buy some real ones will ya). I've been keeping notes (on the back of old discarded pieces of paper, thank you very much) of all the paper you're wasting, and I sent those notes to Suzi. When Ron calls you to ask why you wasted three sheets of paper to blot your lips last week (Tina , you'll be sorry you didn't listen to me earlier. Also the office printer is not to be used for printing your personal emails and junk mail. It's bad enough you waste paper printing up excessive MLS listings you don't even use for clients. Remember people paper costs the company and the environment, use it wisely!!

Monsters and Beasts, the Art and Technology of Animatronics at MUZEO

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 12:43:29 -0700

This is such a cool idea how come no one thought of it before ? This should be a totally awesome event I plan on going. Check it out !

Hollywood's most marvelous creatures and scariest monsters are on display at MUZEO. Get a look at these technical creations inside and out through interactive displays of the animatronic insides that bring them to life. See the Abominable Snowman, Gorilla from George of the Jungle, Peter Pan's Crocodile and many of the gizmos from Inspector Gadget 2.

Muzeo (Anaheim, CA)
Wednesday, Jun. 3 @ 10:00am - 5:00pm
Thursday, Jun. 4 @ 10:00am - 5:00pm
and 57 more dates.

The Fungus Among Us !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:42:40 -0700

An office worker cleaning a fridge full of rotten food created a smell so noxious that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and made many others ill.

Firefighters had to evacuate the AT&T building in downtown San Jose on Tuesday after the fumes led someone to call 911. A hazmat team was called in.

What crews found was an unplugged refrigerator crammed with moldy food.

Authorities say an enterprising office worker had decided to clean it out,(sounds like Suzi) placing the food in a conference room while using two cleaning chemicals to scrub down the mess.

The mixture of old lunches and disinfectant caused 28 people to need treatment for vomiting and nausea.

Authorities say the worker who cleaned the fridge didn't need treatment _ she can't smell because of allergies. yah, right, I say she just had a clothespin on her nose!! This is for real and could happen in any office, even ours!!! Why I've seen food that Herb and Oakley have left in there for days on end !! Geez people, throw your uneaten garbage away for once will ya!

Speaking of Pigs and Swine

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Wed, 06 May 2009 13:23:49 -0700

All of this talk about pigs and swine flu put me in mind of a favorite funny tv character of mine:

This gal is quite the authority as you can well see. Mimi is a secretary. She works at Winfred-Louder Department Store for the store manager, Mr. Bell [later Nigel Wicks]. Mimi wears too much make-up and has a vindictive nature. One of Mimi’s bold fashion statements inspired the comment “Only dogs can hear those colors.“ Mimi’s nemesis is Drew Carey, the Assistant Director of Personnel whom she calls “Pig!”

Swine Flu, get the FACTS people !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:56:47 -0700

What are the symptoms of swine flu ?

The symptoms of swine flu in people are expected to be similar to the symptoms of regular human seasonal influenza and include fever, lethargy, snorting, cravings for slop and coughing. Some people with swine flu also have reported runny snout, sore throat, curly tails, achy hooves . strange cravings for corn on the cob.

Can people catch swine flu from eating pork?

Yes. Swine influenza viruses can be transmitted by food. You can get swine influenza from eating pork, pork chops, barbeque pork, bacon, ham, sausage and pork rinds. Eating properly handled and cooked beef and chicken products are your best bet. Cooking pork to an internal temperature of 995°F kills the swine flu virus as it does other bacteria and viruses and pretty much anything else.

How does swine flu spread?

Influenza viruses can be directly transmitted from pigs to people and from people to pigs and from pigs to pigs and from pig stye to people. Human infection with flu viruses from pigs are most likely to occur when people are in close proximity to infected pigs, such as in pig barns, pig pens and livestock exhibits housing pigs at fairs. Human-to-human transmission of swine flu can also occur. This is thought to occur in the same way as seasonal flu occurs in people, which is mainly person-to-person transmission through coughing or sneezing of people infected with the influenza virus. People may become infected by touching something with flu viruses on it and then touching their mouth or snout

There have also been unsubstantiated reports that watching old Porky Pig cartoons and or Charlottes' Web can help ease the symptoms of swine flu.

Frozen Yogurt ~ Beware of the Addiction !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 12:34:03 -0700

When choosing which foods to consume, I generally seek the most nutrient-rich provisions. My rations serve as fuel, which I use to power my complex, highly efficient, ass-kicking machine. I especially enjoy protein-rich foodstuffs full of real down-home flavors: be they salty, gamey, or grizzlish. I've even been known to enjoy goat milk iced cream, which manages to be both salty and gamey! What I don't like and what I will not tolerate, is Ed's recent infatuation with this God-awful frozen yogurt craze.

My nephew, Bastian, returned from his Rumspringa and turned Ed onto the white stuff. Now, I consider myself an open-minded person. I'm willing to tolerate the concept of yogurt, if only because of the obvious health benefits of eating live bacteria cultures and absorbing their life force. But frozen yogurt, at least the variety Ed and Bastian fancy, is made from a powder and contains no live bacteria, no nutrients, and not even a trace of flu virus that could exercise the immune system. In spite of its frivolousness, I might be willing to indulge Ed's misguided addiction now and again, if the frozen yogurt wasn't so girly. Ed has a hard enough time being respected by fellow males without a public obsession with spa food. Plus it tastes disgusting!

Of course the frozen yogurt store does its best to cover up the horrible taste with a variety of toppings, both sweet and fruity. Although, when I asked for beets on mine, they looked at me like I was requesting ketchup. Oh yeah, like a delicious Pennsylvania vegetable is a weirder dessert topping than some exotic fruit that doesn't even grow in the contiguous United States--what kind of idiot uses coconut for anything other than fighting off predators or dissenters on a desert island? And regardless, the very notion that you can mask the too-tart taste, is kind of like putting a suit on a lion: no matter how you dress it up, if it comes into contact with your body, it will wreak havoc on your intestines. It gives Ed horrible gas. So do yourself a favor, avoid frozen yogurt at all costs. If you have a friend or family member who eats the stuff, help them beat the habit the Schrute way: mercilessly ridicule them until they lose their appetite altogether.

No More Sick Days !

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 12:25:45 -0700

The time of the year where everyone whines about getting sick is finally coming to a close. Some refer to it as "flu season," I call it "scheming industry out of a free day away from work season." Although I know my name for it is not as catchy, it is much more accurate. I find it disgraceful when people take sick days on the company dime due to their illnesses. Corporate America will be relieved to know that I have a plan to tackle this abomination.

I propose that companies provide a quarantine and medical unit to treat sick employees (I got the idea when I watched 28 Weeks Later and an episode of M.A.S.H. back to back last weekend)

Instead of calling in sick, wasting time, and lowering productivity, employees will have no excuse but to come in and work in a controlled environment where they can receive medical attention. In my office, I think they should quarantine the cubicles. As it is now, the office runts work in there, so there's no real loss if they get infected. Of course, should this proposal ever be carried out, these units will need leaders, people with experience in the medical realm; a post I'd be honored and adequately qualified to fill.

I am an authority on dealing with the sick. I spent my youth as an apprentice under Abelard Schrute, my Großonkel and the farm doctor. Since his death (he died of a broken arm), I've taken over his role. I've tended to snake bites, treated whooping cough, and once even removed a bullett from a friend's foot (Eric shall remain nameless), so I feel confident that I can take care of an agents flu, a large real estate salesman's diabetes (Ed, you really need to watch the sweets). Plus I have a huge supply of homemade penicillin, so not only am I qualified to handle the sick, I am also prepared.

Corporate America, this is your opportunity to end the era of companies being exploited by sick employees. Adopt what I am proposing and form a quarantine/medical unit in your offices STAT. You'll save money and increase productivity. ... and you'll have me to thank. You're welcome.

No More Free Tissues

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 17:40:25 -0700

After personally conducting a cost-benefit analysis, I have concluded that the company can no longer afford to be wasting its money providing you with free tissues. If you are a frequent tissue-user (I'm looking at you, Alice), you can choose to purchase a personal box of tissues or follow my example by bringing your own handkerchief into the office. Before you pass judgment, let me remind you that a hankey is a great way to be environmentally friendly. It also serves as a reminder of times past. My hankey is a family heirloom, passed down from Schrute to Schrute for generations. Every time I use it, I think back to the time when my paternal grandfather used it back in the old country. Once in a long while, I'll blow my nose and smell the rich aroma of ancient Bavarian beet fields nestled into the fabric of my hankey. I look at its frayed, tattered edges and breathe a sigh of relief knowing that I'm carrying around a piece of history that's helping me save the future.

Attention pen thief(s)

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 17:32:52 -0700

Seriously guys, stop stealing my pens. I know I have a lot of them and they're all really cool because I actually spend money on quality writing utensils, but that doesn't mean you can take them. I'm not running a pen library. Even if I was, there would be due dates for the pens that you borrow and penalties for not returning my pens on time. Considering that I'm not actually running a pen library, what you're doing is theft. Plain and simple. If I catch anyone stealing from me in the future, I will have you arrested and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Consider this a warning.

Also, if you are currently harboring any stolen pens, you may return them until the end of the month under my newly imposed Pen Theft Amnesty Program. No questions asked.

Reminder About the Office Dress Code

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 17:30:21 -0700

I've kept my mouth shut for long enough, but after years of watching the ReMax NOC dress code get flagrantly abused by one of my (anonymous) desk-mates, I've decided I can no longer stand by idly and watch the honor of our proud corporation desecrated by said agent (who sits across the building from me). Rolling up your sleeves makes you look like a slacker. Just like the kid from "Bach to the Future." Remember him? Of course not, because he was a Slacker! Unbottoning the top button on your dress shirt makes you look like an anarchist. Loosening your necktie, makes you look like a marijuana addict. I've also noted several female agents wearing inappropriately distracting clothes, bright colors tht lower productivity and destroy morale. When you undermine our dess code, you're not only doing a disservice to yourself, but to your coworking agents, your clients, your family name, and the entire corporation. The aforementioned behavior must be rectified IMMEDIATELY or else I will be forced to send out additional memos. Trust me, I will follow through on my threat and drown you in a sea of memos. Once I pull the trigger, you can be pretty sure I'm going to empty the clip. Get it together people, before it's too late.

America's Dumbest Criminals Strikes Again !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 17:24:48 -0700

Or maybe I should say Fullerton's Dumbest Criminals. For those of you that haven't heard our office was almost broken into in the wee hours this morning. Unfortunately for Ron I was on patrol elsewhere in the city, doing my part to fight crime. You've heard the old addage "dumb as a box of rocks", well, that description fits our Perp to a T ! This guy is enterprising at least, he brought his own rock with him, to throw at our glass doors. But the only thing that broke was the rock !! I can't show you a picture of the real rock, because it's being held as evidence. Lesson learned I think for this moron, don't take a knife to a gunfight (old policeman's addage) At any rate, if he comes back, I'll be ready for him!

We do however have a composite drawing of the perp (Suzi's a pretty good artist) He's male, caucasian, apprx: 5'10, 190 lbs, wore a hoodie, shorts, white socks and white tennis shoes. Driving a Silver 4-door Honda Civic. If anyone see's this crackhead please let us know and alert the Fullerton PD.

Leprachauns Are Evil !! Beware

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 12:56:30 -0700

The name leprechaun may have derived from the Irish leath bhrogan (shoemaker), although its origins may lie in luacharma'n (Irish for pygmy). These apparently aged, diminutive men are frequently to be found in an intoxicated state, caused by home-brew poteen. However they never become so drunk that the hand which holds the hammer becomes unsteady and their shoemaker's work affected. Truly amazing. Mose actually owns a pair of these shoes cobbled from the hands and hammers of a wee lad. But whenever he wears them something always happens. He turns into a pig and dances and dances and dances until the spell wears off. Don't believe me?? Then watch this :

Get off the Can people !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 13:02:25 -0800

I just want to remind all of you that you are not paid to sit on the toilet .

Visits to the restroom should be taken before work, after work, or on your lunch break. When you're on the clock, you are paid to work, and you are not working when you are in a bathroom stall (unless you're like me, I fill out paperwork at that time). Because many of you are abusing our restroom facilities. I am requesting that Ron install pay toilets to make up for the time, and thus the money, people are wasting.

Take advantage of the free restrooms while you can people, but you must do so when you are off the clock. Even though agents are technically self-employed sub contractors, this makes no difference. Too many of you are wasting time in the bathrooms when you should be out selling property! Suzi has informed me of certain women agents who like to "talk" on their cell phones in the ladies room and take the paper in there!! I cannot believe that ! what is WRONG with you women anyway? Do you know how rude it is to talk to someone on the phone while in the john? Not to mention the reverberating acoustics, why do you do it? Why, why, why....that is why men will never understand women. Get a clue girls, the john should not be used as your office. If you want to talk and read and do whatever else it is you girls do in there, I suggest you find a nice little hair salon, like on that famous "chick flick" Steel Magnolias. You know the story, all the women gather there at Dolly Partons converted garage to do all those disgusting "girly" things, while gossiping and bonding. (whatever) anyways, the bottom line is do it somewhere else. Pay toilets are unisex, and I think the women are just as big abusers as the men, probably more so because you women have a much bigger john than we do, you even have an extra stall. Ron is going to clean up with the new toilets. (no pun intended)

Put Down the Marker!!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 11:05:32 -0800

It's a new year, so perhaps we can finally put an end to rampant incompetence that continues to plague this office. For the last time, do not use permanent markers on the dry erase board. The only time it has ever been acceptable to use permanent markers on the dry erase board, was when I wrote, "DO NOT USE PERMANENT MARKERS" in permanent marker on the dry erase board. My warning could not be any clearer.

The marker that conveniently says "dry erase marker" on it is the only writing utensil appropriate for the dry erase board. It doesn't take a genius to see the connection between the "dry erase marker" and the "dry erase board." Obviously, dry erase markers don't contain xylene and/or toluene, hence their use on white boards or overhead transparencies and their subsequent inability to be used on porous surfaces. If you can't understand some basic advanced chemistry, maybe you're not cut out to work in the office .

Besides that Suzi and myself are the only authorized dry erase board users. We'll just forget the flagrant misuse of the dry erase board this past X-Mas. Those people shall remain nameless. By the way, Cristal, if you want to post something, use the bulletin board. That is all. ~ Dwight

Hangover Cures ~ Or, Happy New Year !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:39:49 -0800

Many around the office are planning to celebrate the incoming of the New Year, and saying Asta Lavesta Baby to the old. That in mind, Tina was asking for a good hangover remedy, (just in case), so that put me in mind for todays post.

first of all, try not to let your drinking get out of hand like this guy...

Premised on the quaint notion that the best thing for what ails you is more of what ails you, "hair-of-the-dog-that-bit-you" nostrums have been popular since the time of Shakespeare (before that, etymologists tell us, the phrase referred quite literally to a method of treating dog bites).

The Bloody Mary, invented during the Roaring Twenties, is still touted as the ideal morning-after pick-me-up. Another evil-sounding but reputedly effective concoction popularly believed to relieve the symptoms of a hangover is called "Black Velvet" and consists of equal parts champagne and flat Guinness. Hemingway, it is said, relied on a morning-after tonic of tomato juice and beer.

Deep-fried canaries

I have a friend of Mexican descent (Tony Gonzalez) who swears by menudo (boiled tripe) first thing in the morning. Fatty, high-calorie foods like menudo have long figured among the most popular homespun hangover cures. The ancient Romans ate deep-fried canaries, we're told. The Greeks, on the other hand, found relief by eating sheep's lungs. Among the ancients generally, eating boiled cabbage before a binge was widely thought to be the best preventative. One prescription from the Medieval period touts the combination of eel and bitter almonds. How's your appetite holding up?

Caveat potor ('drinker beware')

Fast-forwarding to modern times, peruse the list below for a sampling of the most popular hangover nostrums reported by members of the Urban Legends and Folklore Forum:

Tomato juice, aspirin and a long, hot shower
Coffee made with tonic water, orange juice and honey
Water, water, and more water
Water and vitamin C (also, water and calcium)
Water and vitamin B complex
Vitamin E
Buttermilk
A "Red-Eye" - whiskey, coffee, Tabasco sauce, a raw egg, pepper and orange juice blended together
Alternating between Pepto-Bismol and water
Lots of icy-cold Coca Cola (not Diet Coke!)
"Coating your stomach" before drinking with milk and/or bread and butter
Vegemite on toast
Vomiting before bedtime

But I think the best cure is the one Great, Great Grandmother Schrute invented: 1 large glass of beet juice (freshly squeezed) equal parts of Vodka and Gin with a lemon twist !

Bottoms up !!