A big-talking cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the big-talkin' cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , why, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and punched him. Why I smacked him hard too, right across his ugly face ....
Then I kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
"Now, back off!!" I yelled at the group, "Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
The following quotes are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had to stay calm and not laugh while these exchanges were actually taking place.
-------- ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ----------
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ----------
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? WITNESS: I can't remember ----------
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy ?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan ! ----------
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY : You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo ----------
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ----------
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ---------- ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Your honor, are you kidding' me? ----------
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting' laid! ---------- ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None . ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ---------- ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ----------
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ---------- ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ----------
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ---------- ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ----------
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ----------
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ____________ _________ _________ ________
And the best for last: ____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Vince Young may always be remembered by USC fans as the tall Texas quarterback who in 2006 dashed their hopes for a national championship. In a game likely to be remembered as one of the greatest in college football history, Vince Young helped Texas defeat USC 41-38 in the Rose Bowl.
But in this time of immature behavior among sports figures,/celebrities/public figures Vince Young stepped in and did a nice thing for two kids that were hurting. The current quarterback of the Tennessee Titans surprised the sons of his deceased friend, Steve McNair, by taking McNair's sons to their school's "Dear Dads Breakfast" on Wednesday in Nashville. (McNair was shot and killed July 4, 2009).
Young said that he had often looked up to the older man, McNair, when he was a kid, and he didn't have to think twice about doing this for his sons, Trenton and Tyler.
"Those are my boys,'' Young told The Tennessean. "I wouldn't say it was to pay anyone back; it was just out of love. Steve would do it for me. He pretty much did it for me when I was growing up. "I have a history with the boys and I want to do anything I can. I am their big brother.''
"It was a great, great gesture,'' said Julie Dilworth, admissions director at St. Paul Christian Academy. "All the kids had been talking about the dads' breakfast and (Trenton and Tyler) were wondering what was going to happen with them. "They were thrilled ... the boys came to school with huge smiles on their faces.''
Young knew McNair, who quarterbacked the Titans from 1995 to 2005, long before entering the NFL, having attended youth football camps. He also spoke at McNair's funeral in Hattiesburg, Miss.
At the breakfast, Young gave jerseys and autographs to several students.
It often doesn't take much for sports/public figures to smile for pictures or sign autographs. We more or less expect them to do these things. But to step in and take two fatherless boys to the Dad's breakfast at the school? Vince Young stepped up and by showed that at least on that day and in that moment, he was not only a role model for two grieving boys, but a shining example for public figures everywhere too.
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Grey Goose.
Grey Goose is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself. You'll also feel better about your actions. Grey Goose can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world you're ready and willing to do just about anything! You will notice the benefits of Grey Goose almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living life the way you want to live it. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. So stop hiding and start living again with Grey Goose!
Grey Goose may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Grey Goose. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, fighting, vomiting, incarceration, screaming "Woo hoo", erotic dancing, lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of memory, money-loss, absence of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and desire to sing karaoke. Some patients have reported side effects such as feelings of wanting to play strip poker, truth or dare and naked twister.
What if I could turn back time and elect you as president of the United States. The date is now September 7, 2004, and you have been able to keep all your present day knowledge.
Question: will you do something to stop the zero-down, no income verification real estate loans? Or will you just let things run their course?
You know these loans are bad and you have the power to stop the practice of issuing them. Are you brave enough to use your power, knowing that by doing so, you will help avert the greatest fiscal crises in the history of the United States?
Or, will you back down, and cave in to the pressure of the media, or the powerful real estate lobbies? After all, you know that these loans are highly popular. Conservatives will argue for their use, stating that an unregulated loan industry should be allowed to police itself. What about the man on the street? Won't concerned citizens looking to purchase homes protest your decision? You'll probably be considered the most unpopular president in history. But you have seen the future and you know that it's the right thing to do - even though the decision will be considered uncomfortable and unpopular.
I feel a similar thing is happening with health care. The same market force - "baby boomer demand" that fed the past feeding frenzy for real estate - and helping to escalate home prices-- will soon be ratcheting up the costs for health services.
The writing is on the wall. As of 2006, there were 67 million baby boomers. That was three years ago, and these folks aren't getting any younger! The greater the demand for any product or service, the higher the price for that product or service: that's basic economics.
Fast forward to today. September 7, 2009. If you were president now and could affect lowering the costs of health care for millions of people, what would you do? If you say "nothing" that's the comfortable position. Take the "ostrich approach" and do nothing. Just hope that everything will work out okay and you'll be reelected. Or maybe wait until everything really gets bad, then try to bail it out!
Or do the uncomfortable thing. The unpopular thing. Work on meaningful reform. Swim against the current of negative media hype, conservative spin doctors, health care lobbyists, and concerned citizens.
I believe that its time to do something. What about you?
I'm a real estate broker, and for the last four or five years people used to ask me when I thought the real estate market bubble would pop. When the bubble did pop, most experts looked back and attributed the red-hot demand to baby-boomers, (people born from 1940 - 1965). The demand for homes by baby-boomers, they said, helped caused prices to rise out of control- until the bubble popped. Similarly, another bubble is in the making in the health care system.
Back in 2006, it was estimated that there were 67 million "baby-boomers." It was estimated that for every day for the next 30 years, there would be approximately 10,000 retiring - every 30 seconds. Ironically, with all the talk about diet and exercise, according to the Washington Post, baby-boomers are considered to be in poorer health than their Depression-era parents!
Will aging baby-boomers put a bigger and bigger strain on Fed health services? Is it like another real estate bubble waiting to happen - only bigger? The good thing is that both Democrats and Republicans agree that reforming Federal healthcare programs is needed. The question is the "type" of health care.
75% of people who filed for bankruptcy because of a medical catastrophe had health insurance. The problem is, that the private health insurance company refused to pay their claims. For this reason, a Public Option is needed. Or legislation making it illegal for health insurance providers to deny claims.
But a Public Option, critics fear, might eventually become the "only" option. Critics figure that because a government proposal would cost less, more people would use it, which would cause private options to evaporate. But government programs do coexist with many private programs and haven't put them out of business.
The largest investment that most people make, for example, is the purchase of a home. In the real estate business, there are cheap government loans (think FHA and VA) and more expensive non-government loans called Conventional loans. Government loans offer a low down payment, easier credit qualifying and often lower closing costs than conventional loans.
So why aren't government loans the "only" option today? (After all, these loans have been around for 75 years!)
The answer is simple. Conventional loans may cost more but there is usually less red tape involved so they usually close faster than government loans. Conventional loan buyers and sellers often experience less problems too. Government loans usually involve appraisers who not only check to see that the property being sold is worth the value, but that the stove and heating systems also work. If the stove and heating systems don't work, for example, the seller must fix them before the sale can close. In addition, the government loan requires that the lender make a last minute check with the IRS to ascertain that the income the borrower claims on his tax returns has not been falsified.
Has using government loans stopped consumers from obtaining conventional loans? No. In fact, it has helped keep conventional interest rates competitive and has allowed borrowers with limited means to purchase a home that they might not have been able to afford.
The way a government loan works, the Federal Government does not loan or collect the mortgage payments. The buyer arranges the loan with a local lender. Then the federal government insures the loan - so that if the buyer defaults, the lender receives a percentage of his money back.
Could the federal government "insure" health care? Yes. This is how Medicare and Medicaid work. For this reason, when critics of health care reform argue that the government "test" health insurance reform first or include "tort reform" before moving ahead, the question is, why? The government already offers Medicare & Medicaid Services. There are also VA hospitals as well as State and County non-profit programs.
In other words, health-care reform involves changing and expanding the scope and depth of existing Federal/State/County services but does not involve putting private health care providers out of business. Don't be fooled by people who say the two can't co-exist.
Some conservative radio talk-show hosts claim that reform is not about health care - it is about political control. They talk about "socialized" medicine and losing a way of life for their children and grandchildren. They claim that reforming the health care system would also lower the standards for everybody. So let's review these concerns too.
We currently have many socialized services in our country, and have had them for many years without too many problems. Granted, nobody is perfect but you currently enjoy the services of brave fire-fighters, paramedics and policemen, don't you? These services are "socialized", aren't they? Think about it. Do you believe that the standard of service provided by our firefighters, paramedics and police personnel is poor or inadequate? No. So why would the care from professional doctors and nurses be any different?
Finally, some critics argue that reforming health care will cost too much. Our taxes will rise. For these people it is important that they realize that the current cost of US healthcare is five times the amount that the US spends on its defense. Without any significant healthcare reform, this amount will automatically double every four years - as aging babyboomers develop more chronic and serious conditions. So the idea of healthcare reform is to try to put a handle on it now, before costs spiral out of control.
Let's face it. Reforming the health care system will not make everybody happy - but just as life went on after the real estate market collapsed, people will adjust after heath care is reformed. Let's quit squabbling about it and do something now before the bubble pops!
Supposedly, these are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded :(
1.Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2.I would not allow this student to breed.
3.Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4.Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5.Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. This student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7.This child has been working with glue too much.
8.When your daughter's IQ reaches 50,she should sell.
9.The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10.If this student were any more stupid,he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11.It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12.The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
I enjoy your sense of humor so I thought you might like this true story.
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered: I was listening to my iPod.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Religion is just mind control.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst day of my life! First, all night I can't sleep, and my alarm doesn't wake me. As a result, I arrive late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, I discover my car has been stolen! The police say 'There is NOTHING they can do.' Nothing. I have to take a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I suddenly remember that I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener! I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Disclaimer: ActiveRain Corp. does not necessarily endorse the real estate agents, loan officers and brokers listed on this site. These real estate profiles, blogs and blog entries are provided here as a courtesy to our visitors to help them make an informed decision when buying or selling a house. ActiveRain Corp. takes no responsibility for the content in these profiles, that are written by the members of this community.
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