On Day 28 my gift is to my colleagues in the Real Estate Game. I give to you a fabulous article on Getting Rich by Buying in a Down Market - by Walter Stanford . . .
Investing in real estate is one of my favorite subjects. It is also the one item in my career that has been the largest estate builder. Using the three main leverage points of real estate has always been a goal. Let me explain: Sellers (listings) produce buyers. Buyers, as you search unlisted inventories for their purchase, produce sellers. However, the best leverage point of real estate is the fact that as an agent you get paid by your clients to examine and find real estate inventory everyday. Sometimes that inventory is the correct investment to add to your personal plan! Of course, there is never a better time to buy than when prices are soft. I do not want you to assume that I base my investment decisions on buying low, because that would assume that I sell high. I can buy during all types of markets, because my philosophy is simply not to sell and let the tenant pay the mortgage off. You might thing this takes a long time; however, if you buy a breakeven or cash flow property and manage it well for rental increases, you can pay it of much sooner than the standard amortization periods. If you take any positive cash flow from a real estate investment and apply it to the underlying loan every month, you can amortize a 15 year loan in 7-10 years. Almost anything that produces an income will qualify. Houses, condos, multi-family, and commercial properties are all candidates for purchase. As an agent, you have access to the MLS, making it easier to check the "hot sheet" each morning for new listings. You can then apply six rules for purchase.
1. Can I own it forever?
2. Will it be breakeven or a positive cash flow property after the first 6 months?
3. No balloon payments.
4. No variable or adjustable interest rate loans.
5. No horrible areas where pride of ownership is not practiced. A good school district helps in renting, too.
6. Buy within a two hour drive time from your home.
After implementing the above plan, the investment goal is to increase your net worth, then create income as the loans fully amortize. Use that income to accelerate the other amortizations, creating a snowball effect of paid off properties for retirement. The analysis is fairly simple. Imagine the income in about 6 months. Use a 35% expense factor (high to most investors but I find it more realistic). Subtract this expense factor from the proposed income to find what is leftover to pay principal and interest. Work backwards to see how much of the loan the payment will obtain in the current interest rate market. Next, take the loan amount and divide it by the inverse percentage of the down payment that you are going to use. This will give you the sales price. I used digital offer forms with a nice cover letter that I Emailed to the listing agent. Obviously, this philosophy works in any market; however, you find more properties that qualify in a slow market than you do in a crazy market. It is important that you try to buy for the long term. It gives you holding power, if you get the market direction wrong. I never buy to sell, but sometimes I sell if I discover that I do not like the property. Investors who buy for appreciation usually lose more than their original investments, because they keep buying bigger properties. Finally, when the market changes, these individuals often lose everything because they can not hold on. With this investment program, it is important to get a fixed loan, because I believe we have no where to go but up. It is harder to get fixed loans on commercial and multi-family so private money or seller carry backs on free and clear properties would be options. Managing while you are doing great in brokerage can be a real time drain. As I teach that sellers are easier to handle than buyers, well, almost anything is easier to handle than a bunch of tenants! You can mitigate the time drain by using my management secrets.
1. Rent a good property at a fair rent. Be the best option available.
2. Get a great tenant. This requires a full background check with you confirming every detail. Credit report, sex offender search, job history, property ownership/rental history, previous landlords, and police reports.
3. Get a large deposit. If they have to pay it over time, that's fine.
4. Get long term leases. Your greatest cost is turnover.
5. Have their current place of residence checked out. It is hard to see your cute little rental destroyed. Referral directories for other cities can be great for this task. Other REALTORS® are usually glad to help if your new tenants are from out of town.
Remember, as a great real estate agent, you owe a fiduciary duty to your clients to have fair and ethical dealings with everyone. Even though I have bought my own listings, I don't recommend it. I gave the seller the option to get out of the transaction any time they wanted, and I disclosed what the property might be worth if properly marketed. When I would negotiate a great deal for a buyer, then that buyer stepped out of the deal - I would step in! Being in this business is the greatest leverage. Other people pay you everyday for you to look over the investments for your family and future. Good luck in your quest for the perfect investment properties!
Here is what Floyd Wickman, Bill Barrett, Darryl Davis, Carol Johnson, Mr. Internet®-Michael Russer, Matthew Ferry, Walter Sanford, Dave Beson, Claudia Wicks and Judy LaDeur-had to say about the smartest thing you can do to build your business now.
1. Industry icon Floyd Wickman: Well, I believe that's a three-part formula. First, work each week (we could stop there and increase production by 38%)... on bringing in saleable listings. That means getting face to face with a seller for a listing or price reduction. Next, get all buyers and lookers into the office to be qualified, and sell them on the benefits of the office like you never have before. Last, sell in-house inventory first!
2. Industry icon Dave Beson: Focus on filling the prospect pipeline and improving your presentation so that when you get in front of a "live one," you will win! If you aren't pre-planning your day and including an hour or more of prospecting by phone, in person, by letter, by email, by postcard and follow up, then you're missing the boat. I tell my audiences, "You have to be a missionary for real estate."
The easiest thing to do is to tell a success story-just one-about a couple who kept their house or a family that WAS ABLE TO BUY because of your help. If you need to share a story with someone in the office, that's okay. I have a letter that I suggest agents send out to everyone they know. It's cool to follow up by phone, too, even if it's just to leave a voice mail! Here it is:
Dear Bob and Mary,
I just reviewed my business for the year and found an amazing surprise: More than 61% of my business was past customers, referrals and repeat business.
Sure, it's been a challenging time in real estate, but where would I be without the support of important people like you and your friends? Many thanks for telling your friends about me, and me about them.
Be sure to let me know if there is anything I can do to help you or a friend.
All the best,
Your Name
Get in touch, and stay in touch-consistently. That's key.
3. Real estate and trends expert Bill Barrett: DO NOT CUT BACK ON YOUR BUDGET! Keep in touch with your past customers-meaning ALL of your past buyers and sellers-on a monthly basis. Superstars get 80% to 90% of their business from past customers through continuous prospecting and marketing. Consider that we're still on track to sell four million re-sales nationwide this year. Who's going to sell them? Certainly not the ones who "give up." Stay in the game.
4. Noted speaker Darryl Davis: I believe the best thing about this market is that we will see a flood of buyers coming out. Sellers who were waiting in the wings to sell their houses and buyers who were sitting in the wings waiting for rock bottom all will start to move as we see our market start to inch up. Remember: The agent with the most listings WINS! If I were to gamble, I would say things will be on the upswing starting this spring. So prepare for the surge of buyers by building your listing inventory NOW!
5. Recruiting pioneer Carol Johnson: Stay in constant communication with your book of business, customer base and centers of influence. There is a market-people are buying and selling! This is a good time to make a change. It's also a great time to develop new niche markets. Property condition is paramount right now-properties need to be in good condition, and prices have to be right. Make your listings the most compelling properties on the market!
6. Mr. Internet®, Michael Russer: I would have to say, launch your e-team. E-team members specialize and differentiate themselves by targeting a niche. 90% of agents don't do this, which forces them to compete with everyone. Specialists know that they must always effectively answer the question, "What's in it for me?" for every client.
7. Industry coach Matthew Ferry: For agents, I would say that they need to find that faith they had in themselves before. I'm doing a webinar for all of my clients that includes a six-point action plan to help them find the courage and strength to make 2009 their best year yet. It takes honesty-about finances, about whether this industry is the right industry, and about resentment and anger. These mindsets and energies have a very damaging effect on productivity. People know what to do, they just don't do it. They don't do it because of hidden negativity in their mindsets. This must be discovered and removed.
For brokers, I would have to tell them to get to the heart of each agent's passion and purpose. Most people are focused on what doesn't work about life right now and, consequently, draw from that energy to make decisions. This is very detrimental and will pull you further into a mental breakdown. The key is to discover the future you are committed to and get focused on that. Everyone is operating in relation to the future they are present to. If you are in despair, then you are present to a bleak future. If you are empowered, then you are present to a future that you are looking forward to. Today's action is a function of the future.
8. Real estate expert Walter Sanford: Short and simple: "Triple (at least) your current listing inventory." This positions you to win when the market turns.
9.Speaker and trainer Claudia Wicks: Learn online marketing and how to use the technology tools consumers are using. You need to have an online presence and, of course, develop a database of prospects. Establish relationships with more prospects than ever before. Collect email addresses; use tech tools to stay in touch automatically until they are ready to buy and/or sell, and stay in touch with past clients.
According to NAR, many agents have been in the business seven years or less. They have never known this type of market. They do not know what to do to generate business. Agents who have developed a large database of prospects, however, are not struggling. They have a steady stream of business. In this market, you need to get down to basics and build your business. That means generating prospects. You can do it by talking to everyone you know and asking for business by networking and letting everyone know it is a great time to buy. You also can do it by creating an online presence and branding yourself by marketing your own web site, blogging, joining social networks, and responding immediately to online requests for info.
Show up every day, and start working. Stay motivated by doing something nice for someone else, by talking to past clients, and by watching how you talk to yourself and not listening or "buying into" all of the negative talk. You can do it by believing in yourself
10. Recruiting guru Judy LaDeur: Agents, DO NOT read the newspapers, and please turn the TV off! Agents are glued to TVs and reading papers like never before, just looking for the gloom and doom. I say, "Ignore the press!" There are opportunities in every market, and the agents who are finding them are having a great year in real estate! This is a great time for apartment renters to buy homes. It also is a great time for sellers in a starter price range to move up to their dream home. Price homes correctly, and stage them well. Homes are still selling! If you have listings that are not priced and staged correctly, get rid of them!
Brokers and managers, I'd tell you to first trim the fat! That means look at your costs, and see where you can cut back. You also should look at your agents, and trim a few of those as well. Most brokers right now are carrying agents who need to be out of the business. Those agents drain your office resources and staff.
I'd also tell you that there has never been a better time to recruit! Many agents are unhappy and looking for options. The brokers and recruiters we're coaching right now are having record-breaking recruiting years because they pick up the phone every day and talk to agents. In this market, if you are not recruiting, you will not survive!
And the last bit of advice is the same advice that I gave the agents. DO NOT read the newspapers, and turn the TV off! We are coaching several brokers who have doubled the size of their office this year by ignoring the press. If anything really bad happens, you will know about it soon enough. All of your friends who are glued to the TV will call and tell you what is going on! So stay focused, and keep moving forward!
From the book, The Damp Squid the University of Oxford's "10 Most Irritating Phrases."
1. "At the end of the day" 2. "Fairly unique" 3. "I personally" 4. "At this moment in time" 5. "With all due respect" 6. "Absolutely" 7. "It's a nightmare" 8. "Shouldn't of" 9. "24/7" 10. "It's not rocket science"
I have added to the list, the one that get's me screaming everytime: "If I'm being perfectly honest" !!!! What the #$%*@ have you been doing the rest of the time??!!
Let us know what gets your goat. What phrase or word irritates the #$%@ out of you? Please feel free to add several if need be :0)
Day 27 of 29 Days of Gifts was hectic and fun. Another offer and 2 new leads. I love this business!
My Mother in Law has Alzheimer's and is in care in Northern Ireland. When this email came to my attention today, I immediately thought of her and of my Sister in Law, Lorainne, who is with her. I couldn't get it to Lorainne fast enough as my gift for today.
I give you "Crabby Old Woman" and the story of its origin :
When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee Scotland , it was believed that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meagre possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Northern Ireland . The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem. And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet:
Crabby Old Woman
What do you see, nurses................What do you see? What are you thinking......When you're looking at me? A crabby old woman..........................Not very wise, Uncertain of habit,......................With faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food ............... And makes no reply. When you say in a loud voice.......'I do wish you'd try!' Who seems not to notice ..........The things that you do, And forever is losing .....................A stocking or shoe?
Who, resisting or not, .............. Lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding, .............. The long day to fill? Is that what you're thinking?......... Is that what you see? Then open your eyes, nurse,.....You're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am .......................As I sit here so still, As I do at your bidding, ................... As I eat at your will. I'm a small child of ten..............With a father and mother, Brothers and sisters.......................Who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen ...................With wings on her feet Dreaming that soon now ..................... A lover she'll meet. A bride soon at twenty, ................... My heart gives a leap, Remembering the vows ............... That I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now,..................... I have young of my own, Who need me to guide ............... And a secure happy home. A woman of thirty,.................... My young now grown fast, Bound to each other..................... With ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons..............Have grown and are gone, But my man's beside me.....................To see I don't mourn At fifty once more,...................Babies play round my knee, Again we know children,................... My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me,.......................My husband is dead, I look at the future,.............................I shudder with dread. For my young are all rearing .................Young of their own, And I think of the years.......... And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old woman......................... And nature is cruel; Tis jest to make old age ............................. Look like a fool. The body, it crumbles,..................... Grace and vigor depart, There is now a stone.................... Where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass................ A young girl still dwells, And now and again,...................... My battered heart swells. I remember the joys,.......................... I remember the pain, And I'm loving and living.............................. Life over again.
I think of the years..................... All too few, gone too fast, And accept the stark fact......................That nothing can last. So open your eyes, people,.............................Open and see, Not a crabby old woman;..........Look closer......see,.....ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within....we will all, one day, be there, too!
If you'd like to read about my previous days of Gifts:
Day 26 started quite dark and gloomy. Cold and rain after beautiful big fluffy snowflakes when I went to bed. I fully expected gleaming whiteness this morning and leapt out of bed excited to go out with the dogs. Then I realized how dark and dismal it was. Oh well, can't have it all. I was certainly sunny on the inside!
My gift to was 3 fold in 3 different ways;
I had an offer that was going south fast. Greed was rearing its ugly head and had to be dealt with. I felt like blowing my stack and did not. Calm prevailed and my client was reasoned with.
I had another deal hinging on a successful building inspection. They 'made plans to spend more than 5 hours taking apart the place. Again, I wanted to scream that there was time to make decorating plans and now wasn't it. I managed to get them to understand and complete the inspection in under 2 hours.
I had a close acquaintance not dealing with reality very well and I wanted to shout some sense into her. Think of your family, think of your health, think of me!!! I didn't allow myself to say what I wanted but instead, told her to get professional help and put her health first.
I managed to gift patience and good sense to my 3 sets of people who needed my professional persona and in turn, I also gifted patience and good sense to myself by keeping my cool and forcing myself to put myself in their shoes. In doing so, I helped them to help the other sides of the transactions and my friend's family. It became a Win/Win/Win and that's gotta be good.
When I got home, it had turned into a perfect day to get out the with dogs and let them burn off some of their steam. In doing so, I tired myself out and came home to collapse in front of a cozy fire with a great book.
Life is good! See you tomorrow,
If you'd like to read about my previous days of Gifts:
Day 24 of 29 is bright and beautiful. Crisp and clean - sorry, I love winter!! My gift today is one that everyone can participate in. It will only take a moment and you will feel so much better for it
I'm sure many of you have seen this message and have already responded. If you haven't I'm sure many of you would like to brighten the holiday season for the wounded soldiers. Choose a greeting card or create one and send it out to a wounded soldier to enjoy. (Personally, I've sent a FarSide card that hopefully will not hurt any wounds from laughing!)
Cards should be addressed to:
Holiday Mail for Heroes P.O. Box 5456 Capitol Heights, MD 20794-5456
This will take no time at all but will make a huge difference in someone's life. Let the know you care!
Before my fellow Canadians jump all over me . . . I have not yet been able to find the address for wounded Canadain soldiers, of which we have too too many! If anyone can locate this for me I would be very happy to include it.
Enjoy your day, do something special for someone today - YOU deserve it!
See you tomorrow!
If you're interested in reading about the 23 days previous, please click on the links below:
Day 25 is a gorgeous glorious day - SUNDAY!!! After yesterday's crazy, hectic day of offers and floor time, and then a houseful of guests for the evening, this morning's lazy, slow start seems almost decadent! Of course the dogs needed their ball time first thing but that is as much for my enjoyment as theirs. There is something about a dog's joy that is just infectious. Those of you with infants know what I'm speaking of . . . to wake up in the morning and to see those faces filled with love and wonderment, it really get me moving in the right direction each and every day!
My Gift for today is again about FOOD (I really have to investigate my thought processes these days) I know it is a few days too late for all your Thanksgiving Dinners but I thought people might enjoy this recipe for Christmas pies?!
As I mentioned above, we had dinner guests again last night and with all my running around, I neglected to make the apple pie I had promised. By this time my kitchen was filled with people (note to self: blog on why do parties always end up in the kitchen?) My countertops were filled with 'stuff' and I would have had about 3 inches with which to make pie crust - NOT happening! I remembered hearing about a no roll pie crustand thought this is the time to make use of it. Well, it was wonderful. Flaky, tasty and more importantly, EASY! So my friends, my 25th Gift is the recipe for
NO ROLL PIE CRUST:
2 cups flour 2 tsp sugar 1 tsp salt ( I used 1.5 tsp Kosher salt and it was a bit too salty for me) 2/3 cup canola oil or any vegetable oil (not olive) 3 tbsp milk
Sift flour, sugar and salt into bowl. Mix well. Whip oil and milk together in different bowl or jug. Pour over flour mixture and mix with fork. PAT 2/3 of dough into a pie plate. Use filling of your choice. Crumble rest of dough on top (except for cream pies) [for my apple pie I mixed in brown sugar, crushed pecans, nutmeg an cinnamon to the mixture and sprinkled it on top of apples - YUM) Bake as you would for any pie.
This is soooooo simple and you can GIFT your family tonite
See you tomorrow!
If you're interested in reading about the 24 days previous, please click on the links below:
Day 24 of 29 is bright and beautiful. Crisp and clean - sorry, I love winter!! My gift today is one that everyone can participate in. It will only take a moment and you will feel so much better for it
I'm sure many of you have seen this message and have already responded. If you haven't I'm sure many of you would like to brighten the holiday season for the wounded soldiers. Choose a greeting card or create one and send it out to a wounded soldier to enjoy. (Personally, I've sent a FarSide card that hopefully will not hurt any wounds from laughing!) Cards should be addressed to:
Holiday Mail for Heroes P.O. Box 5456 Capitol Heights, MD 20794-5456
This will take no time at all but will make a huge difference in someone's life. Let the know you care!
Before my fellow Canadians jump all over me . . . I have not yet been able to find the address for wounded Canadain soldiers, of which we have too too many! If anyone can locate this for me I would be very happy to include it.
Enjoy your day, do something special for someone today - YOU deserve it!
See you tomorrow!
If you're interested in reading about the 23 days previous, please click on the links below:
Here's Day 23 already . . . looking forward to attending a Christmas concert this evening put on by Dreams in Motion Performing and Fine Arts School , a not-for-profit local organization that promotes artistic endeavours for all ages. This is a group that I support because of what they bring to the children of this community - the chance to dream big and enjoy themselves. They survive on donations alone and times are tough in this community with factories closing and the tourist trade not what it once was. If anyone reading this would care to donate, please click on the link above - it would be most appreciated!
I decided to share a laugh with a joke I found funny and was touched to have our very own Bo Hussung write this comment:
Susan, I am going to accept this post as your gift today....thanks
This was the joke and I hope you enjoy it as much as we did :0)
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. Thanks to you,
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs, including feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans-fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day...
Oh, by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
This was shared with me recently - author unknown. If anyone knows who to give credit to, please advise. Til then, enjoy!
If you're interested in reading about the 22 days previous, please click on the links below:
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. Thanks to you,
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs, including feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans-fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day...
Oh, by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
This was shared with me recently - author unknown. If anyone knows who to give credit to, please advise. Til then, enjoy!
Susan Emo RE/MAX
;)
;)
