GAIL GLADSTONE RANTS

Feeling Special on Long Island

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 14:53:41 -0500

Thomas, thanks for the invite...I was feeling really special until you told me you were inviting 100 other agents.

A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE - Holiday Acceptance

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 19:10:30 -0600

I was not an official member of the "certified" relo team in my company. My branch manager was on vacation. "Joan," an office-mate agent was given the responsibility as serving as substitute Mama while our manager was on vacation.

Joan called to give me a relo that happened to be close to my home. I visited the couple (over 82) who were both survivors of the holocaust. Sadly enough, they had voluntarily encased their home property (an enchanted ½ acre) in barbed wire.

They were delightful. He had lost 75% use of his right arm/hand from experiments in Auschwitz, but had become an awesome artist...oils, wire sculptures...you name it. Some of his artwork (donations) are in the Holocaust Museum in DC and he spends his time as a volunteer lecturer at the local schools and universities. The only apparent means of survival is social security. Their family was located in Colorado, all financially challenged.

After 4 delightful hours with them, it became evident that they did not really want to relocate. They were in a place where they were giving to the community and felt comfortable and, most importantly, safe.

I reported back to the referring Realtor, who turned out to be their great grandson, that these people did not really want to move. The grandson was delighted that a perfect stranger had the same observation that he had for years...they did not want to move.

The entire relocation was put to rest.

About eight months later, I received a call from the elderly couple telling me they were ready to sell. I got the feeling that he was not in good health and wanted to be laid to rest where his family could visit him.

Okay, let's get this baby on the MLS. No...they told me; they were too uncomfortable with people coming into their home (they were scared). They said "We know you will find us someone to do a cash deal without putting us on the website." I felt this was an improbable expectation, but being an incurable optimist, I racked my brain to find a solution for them. I had none.

Now, you have to understand something; I hardly ever did open houses. The rate of return on the time that was involved in doing open houses, was shameful.

Coincidentally, I had another house on the market within blocks of this one; it was on Juanita Drive.

I received a call from the owners of Juanita who told me someone from their place of business was interested in the house and would be there Sunday sometime between noon and 4 pm.

"Are you nuts?" That is what I should have been thinking. Sitting for four hours waiting for a maybe from their office? Normally I would have said, give me their number and I will make an appointment with them...but I didn't. I didn't even think about it. I decided if I was going to be there for 4 hours, I would put up signs and have an open house (definitely not me!).

Who was the first person to walk into the open house; An attorney from one of my commercial deals.

"Mara, what are you doing here?" I asked. "Well," said Mara..."I woke up this morning and decided the money I have in the bank for my daughter's college fund is not doing anything and I decided today is the day that I put that money to better use in an investment property."

I closed up the open house, took Mara to the enchanted property, made my introductions...and left!

They made a cash deal to transfer the property and everyone was happy.

A few days later I received a call from the daughter of the elderly couple who lived in Colorado; she could not thank me enough. She said she was sending me a check for $5,000 for what I had done. I told her I would not accept it and she should put it towards her parents' move. She was crying uncontrollably and kept telling me that I was their angel.

As a result of what I had done, the next door neighbor called me to list their home (even though their niece was a Realtor in my company)...and their next door neighbor heard about it and asked me to list their home. The neighbor across the street saw all my signs and asked me to list her house.

The bottom line here is that a series of occurrences that normally would never have happened...all occurred. Heaven sent? I like to think so.

Where does this go? I would like to see Realtors accept a certain percentage of pro bono (sp?) cases each year...I would like this approved by NAR and the Departments of State in each state.

You never lose when giving. If no other business had come from what I did, I felt like a million for doing it. But no good deed goes unrewarded, whether it be in your heart or in your business. This made an ordinary day into a Holiday I will remember forever.

CRASH COURSE IN MANAGEMENT - HUMOR & WISDOM

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:43:41 -0600

LESSON 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.   When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'     'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

LESSON 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, in changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'   The priest apologized. Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:

        If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


        LESSON 3:

        A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
        They rub it and a Genie comes out.
        The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

        Puff! She's gone.

        'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

        Puff! He's gone.

        'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
        The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always let your boss have the first say.

lESSON 4

        An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

        A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

        The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

        So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

        To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

        LESSON 5

        A turkey was chatting with a bull.

        'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
        'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

        The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

        The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

        Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

        He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

        MORAL OF THE STORY:

        Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

        LESSON 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

        While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

        As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

        The dung was actually thawing him out!

        He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

        (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

        (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
        friend.

        (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
        your mouth shut!


        THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

11 VINCENT STREET, ROCKVILLE CENTRE, NY - VICTORIAN RENTAL

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 07:24:39 -0600

Life can be sweet, especially when you can grab a train and be in NYC in 35 minutes! There is a direct non-stop express train moments from this Exquisite Victorian Townhouse that begins on the 2nd floor.

Private Entry, Original Hardwood Floors, Kitchen and Baths totally updated...crown molding, ceramic tile, new appliances, tons of storage, ALL UTILITIES INCLUDED even 1 DVR, All Gold Package Movies AND HiSpeed Internet!

Do you love this Granny Porch?

You even get GARAGE Parking!

Add all the above with a fantastic school District, Rockville Centre, on the corner of a Cul-de-Sac. Rent of $2950 includes Gas, Electric, Heat, Water, Garbage Removal, Sewer...What a deal!

Contact:

Gail Gladstone, Coldwell Banker 631-425-6150 for more information.

DON'T MESS WITH A WOMAN! - HUMOR & WISDOM

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 08:10:13 -0600

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

•· If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

•· If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

•· If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

•· If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

•· She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

US QUALIFICATIONS FOR PRESIDENCY - BLONDE HUMOR

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 08:05:47 -0500

Shared by a gentleman who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School.

They were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .

They are pretty simple:

The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years of age.

One girl in the class immediately started complaining about how unfair the requirement to be a natural born citizen was.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The teacher and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating .

'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?'

Some Belles just ring louder!

Gail Gladstone

NO SMILEY FACES HERE!

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 08:30:23 -0500

True Friendship -- None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,

But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

5.. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy arse, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;

because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Gail Gladstone

Long Island Business Brokerage

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? IT WAS POLITICAL HUMOR!

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 22:54:40 -0500

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, That chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. And by the way, I'd like to tell you a little story about the chicken, many years ago that chicken was a prisoner of war...

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experie nce ma kes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country
gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

SARAH PALIN: I could see the chicken crossing the road from my house.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's' intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. Then the chicken walks onto stage and starts jumping up and down on the couch.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks!!!

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

What else? POLITICS!!!! & HUMOR

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 19:56:44 -0500

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he
realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises .

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted

Now...here's the real kick, you can replace politicians with Realtors and the ending is: Yesterday you were a prospect...today you are a client!!!! Have fun with this.

POLITICS 101 - EVEN I CAN UNDERSTAND THIS! HUMOR

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 16:49:23 -0500

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, l et me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the

Government..

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you

the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the

Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to

check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely

soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door

locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the

nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I

understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think

politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,

'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is

sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the

Future is in deep shit.

A HUMOROUS START TO THE NEW YEAR

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 04:14:45 -0500

Wishing you all a very Happy, Healthy, and prosporous year ahead! Lashana Tova!

On the morning of Rosh Hashana as the congregation was filing into the sanctuary, Rabbi Feldman noticed little Max standing in the foyer of the synagogue staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names, with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year
old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Rabbi walked up,
stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Boker tov, Max. '

'Boker tov, Rabbi Feldman,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.
'Rabbi Feldman, what is this?' he said, pointing to the plaque.

The good Rabbi tenderly put his arm around Max's shoulder and said,
'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
The service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Max, in a voice barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, Rosh Hashana or Yom Kippur?'

SAFEST HIGH PAYING INVESTMENT FOR YOUR DOLLARS - HUMOR

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 04:08:19 -0500

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

BAY SHORE NY, PINE AIRE DRIVE - COMMERCIAL - PUBLIC STORAGE

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 16:31:59 -0500

I have a shy 2 Acres available on Pine Aire Drive in Bay Shore, NY that has been down zoned from residential to INDUSTRIAL 1.

This property has already received approval for a PUBLIC SELF STORAGE Facility and is waiting to be developed and sold or developed and operated.

There are over 26,000 square feet of self-storage space approved. The location has its own exit from the Sagtikos Expressway and runs along side the Long Island Railroad.

HIGH TRAFFIC LOCATION - PERFECT FOR PUBLIC STORAGE FACILITY - 4 BUILDINGS APPROVED

I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU! - HUMOR

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 15:29:09 -0500

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens
(you can tell they're not married) to his every word.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and
stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything
had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . . ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

CAN TIDE KEEP YOU OUT OF JAIL?

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 20:42:13 -0500

Dear TIDE ,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, I gotta go - I have to write to the Hefty bag people.

IRS HUMOR...IF ANYTHING ABOUT THE IRS CAN BE FUNNY

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 15:22:38 -0500

IRS Tax Auditor at the synagogue

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books
of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I
notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: What about
all these matzo (bread) purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send back to
the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo
balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue Service, and about
once a year they send us a complete dick."

NAR STARTS COMMERCIAL DATABASE

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 17:56:49 -0500

For any of you who are not aware, NAR has started a commercial database. Get on there now; the accounts are free. Start listing your properties for incredible visibility.

The only unfortunate part of the this amazing website is that it does not include businesses for sale. As the owner/broker of Long Island Business Brokerage, Inc. (LIBBI), I am truly disappointed.

NOT ONE COMMENT? ARE YOU KIDDING? DO ELEPHANTS REALLY REMEMBER? A TOUCHING STORY

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 20:34:34 -0500

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ...

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

HYSTERICALLY FUNNY - A MUST READ!

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 23:36:15 -0500

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's
on First?' might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM
ABBOTT


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help
you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.


ABBOTT: Your computer?


COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy
one.


ABBOTT : Mac?


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.


ABBOTT: What about Windows?


COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?


ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?


COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?


ABBOTT: Wallpaper.


COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
software.


ABBOTT: Software for Windows?


COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,
track expenses and run my business. What do you have?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?


ABBOTT: I just did.


COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.


COSTELLO: You recommended something?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: For my office?


ABBOTT: Yes


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my
office?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!


ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.


COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?


ABBOTT: Word in Office.


COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.


ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.


COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?


ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.


COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight
answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my
money with?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?


ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?


ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.


COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?


ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.


COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How
much?


ABBOTT: One copy.


COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?


ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.


COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!


(A few days later)


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help
you?


COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer
off?


ABBOTT: Click on 'START'

6 TALON WAY, DIX HILLS, NY - CONTEMPORARY ELEGANCE for $848,800

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 20:56:19 -0500

Imagine coming home to this! I'm not normally one for Contemporary Homes, but this lovely structure exudes warmth. The Open Floor Plan is very much in line with Feng Shue principles. The Master Bath is the size of most bedrooms with double sinks, separate shower, platformed Jacuzzi and separate toilet and bidet.

There is a first floor bedroom and full bath with glass sliders to the Tri-Level Deck and Hot Tub.

Need storage space? How about a walk in attack?

The second story Bridge separates Double Door Entry Master Suite from the Family Bedrooms in the North Wing.

This Magnificent Home is located on a Cul-de-Sac with easy access to the LIE, NState Pkway, Rte 231, the So. State Parkway and the Long Island Railroad.

See Virtual Tour for the Whole Picture

OR THIS....

OR EVEN THIS...

FLAT MANICURED ACRE WITH TRI-LEVEL DECKS AND A HOT TUB!

VIEW FROM THE BRIDGE...

5 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths, Half Hollow School District #5

And a Grand Welcome:

BETCHA' DIDN'T KNOW THIS

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 17:57:35 -0500

ALABAMA ... Was the first place to have 9-1-1, started in 1968.
ALASKA ... One out of every 64 people has a pilot's license.
ARIZONA ... Is the only state in the continental U.S. that doesn't follow Daylight Savings Time.
ARKANSAS ... Has the only active diamond mine in the U.S.
CALIFORNIA ... Its economy is so large that if it were a country, it would rank seventh in the entire world.
COLORADO ... In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics.
CONNECTICUT ... The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University.
DELAWARE ... Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.
FLORIDA ... At 759 square miles, Jacksonville is the US's largest city.
GEORGIA ... It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the first vat of Coca-Cola.
HAWAII ... Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents in any other state.
IDAHO ... TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.
ILLINOIS ... The Chicago River is dyed green every St. Patrick's Day.
INDIANA ... Home to Santa Claus, Indiana, which get a half million letter to Santa every year.
IOWA ... Winnebagos get their name from Winnebago County. Also, it is the only state that begins with two vowels.
KANSAS ... Liberal, Kansas, has an exact replica of the house in The Wizard of Oz.
KENTUCKY ... Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox.
LOUISIANA ... Has parishes instead of counties because they were originally Spanish church units.
MAINE ... It's so big, it covers as many square miles as the other five New England states combined.
MARYLAND ... The Oujia board was created in Baltimore in 1892.
MASSACHUSETTS ... The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts.
MICHIGAN ... Fremont, home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the world.
MINNESOTA ... Bloomington's Mall of America is so big, if you spent 10 minutes in each store, you'd be there nearly four days.
MISSISSIPPI ... President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear here. That's how the teddy bear got its name.
MISSOURI ... Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.
MONTANA .. A sapphire from Montana is the Crown Jewels of England.
NEBRASKA ... More triplets are born here than in any other state.
NEVADA ... Has more hotel rooms than any other place in the world.
NEW HAMPSHIRE ... Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.
NEW JERSEY ... Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.
NEW MEXICO ... Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.
NEW YORK ... Is home to the nation's oldest cattle ranch, started in 1747 in Montauk.
NORTH CAROLINA ... Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.
NORTH DAKOTA ... Rigby, North Dakota, is the exact geographic center of North America.
OHIO ... The hot dog was invented here in 1900.
OKLAHOMA ... The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating oil wells.
OREGON ... Has the most ghost towns in the country.
PENNSYLVANIA ... The smiley, :) was first used in 1980 by computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University.
RHODE ISLAND ... The nation's oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened here in 1673
SOUTH CAROLINA ... Sumter County is home to the world's largest gingko farm.
SOUTH DAKOTA ... Is the only state that's never had an earthquake.
TENNESSEE ... Nashville's Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live radio show in the world.
TEXAS ... Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco back in 1885.
UTAH ... The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in 1952.
VERMONT ... Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald's.
VIRGINIA ... Home of the world's largest office building... the Pentagon.
WASHINGTON ... Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other state.
WASHINGTON D.C. ... Was the first planned capital in the world.
WEST VIRGINIA ... Had the world's first brick paved street, Summers Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.
WISCONSIN ... The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get around Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sundays.
WYOMING ... Was the first state to allow women to vote

NEW FORM OF FRAUD - ACAI BERRY - FREE SAMPLES

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 20:22:16 -0500

My mother always taught me to try to learn from someone else's mistakes and stop reinventing the wheel.

We are all being deluged with emails about the Acai berry and these free samples - just pay postage. Okay, one dummy, step up to plate.

Naive and trusting, I ordered my one week free sample for $3.99 hoping to see a wonderful difference in my life and go on to a lifetime supply of this fountain of youth and health.

I took the week's supply...felt no different...and said "oh well...I've done worse things with $3.99."

I know you're waiting for the other show to hit the ground and duck...here it comes!

I get a package in the mail with a bottle of 60 pills. I go on line and look at my credit card and they have charged my card an additional $74.99!!!!!!

First I called the c/c company and am disputing the charge but I know I will lose. I contacted Performance Products USA at acai.performanceproductsusa.com and was refered to their webpage buried among millions with a click on accept terms which has a negative marketing plan and they will continue to hit my card for $74.99 until I opt out of the program.

They also refuse to take it back "unopened" and could care less about anything I try to do. Because of their terms, no matter how well they hid them on their website and how unethical opt out programs are, the credit company will deny my dispute.

So, do your friends and associates and family members a HUGE favor...copy and send them this information so they do not fall into the same trap I did...let them learn their lessons the cheap and easy way...my lesson was far too expensive.

And by forwarding this to all who will listen, you will be helping me get the word out to these scam artists, that we are not going to take this entrapment lying down. Send to everyone you know....PLEASE?

260 Beverly Road, South Huntington NY 11746 SOLD

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 12:10:46 -0500

SOLD SOLD SOLD SOLD SOLD SOLD SOLD

For all of those buyers who are looking for homes in Huntington Township, please be aware that the property at 260 Beverly Road in South Huntington has been sold and it is closed.

New owners are now occupying the property and prefer not to be visited or contacted.

I am delighted we are still getting such a wonderful response so to all of you househunters, give me a call at 631-425-6150 or contact me at Gail@GailGladstone.com and I will be happy to show you available homes.

HOW MANY ZEROS IN A BILLION? TOO TRUE TO BE FUNNY!

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 09:40:02 -0500

How many zeros in a billion?

This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our Government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans ...

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D)is presently asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number... what does it mean?

Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, and child) you each get $516,528.

Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.

Or... if you are a family of four...your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D. C. HELLO! Are all your calculators broken??

•· Accounts Receivable Tax

•· Building Permit Tax

•· CDL License Tax

•· Cigarette Tax

•· Corporate Income Tax

•· Dog License Tax

•· Federal Income Tax

•· Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

•· Fishing License Tax

•· Food License Tax

•· Fuel Permit Tax

•· Gasoline Tax

•· Hunting License Tax

•· Inheritance Tax

•· Inventory Tax

•· IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)

•· IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)

•· Liquor Tax

•· Luxury Tax

•· Marriage License Tax

•· Medicare Tax

•· Property Tax

•· Real Estate Tax Service charge taxes

•· Social Security Tax

•· Road Usage Tax (Truckers)

•· Sales Taxes

•· Recreational Vehicle Tax

•· School Tax

•· State Income Tax State

•· Unemployment Tax (SUTA)

•· Telephone Federal Excise Tax

•· Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax

•· Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge

•· Tax Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax

•· Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax

•· Telephone State and Local Tax

•· Telephone Usage Charge Tax

•· Utility Tax

•· Vehicle License Registration Tax

•· Vehicle Sales Tax

•· Watercraft Registration Tax

•· Well Permit Tax

•· Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...

and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...

We had the largest middle class in the world...

and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to press '1'for English.

SEX AFTER MARRIAGE - HUMOR

Gail Gladstone (Coldwell Banker) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 14:52:26 -0500

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was ouching her in a most   unusual manner. He   started by running his hand across her shoulders and
  the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.


  Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

  He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

  His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

  His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

  By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

  'Why are you stopping'? she whispered.

  He whispered back, 'I found the remote'.