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humor: CRASH COURSE IN MANAGEMENT - HUMOR & WISDOM - 12/03/08 04:43 PM
LESSON 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, … (8 comments)
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humor: DON'T MESS WITH A WOMAN! - HUMOR & WISDOM - 11/27/08 08:10 AM
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
•· If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
•· If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
•· If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
•· If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
•· She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."
… (2 comments)
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humor: NO SMILEY FACES HERE! - 10/31/08 08:30 AM
True Friendship -- None of that Sissy Crap
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
… (13 comments)
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humor: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? IT WAS POLITICAL HUMOR! - 10/20/08 10:54 PM
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change! JOHN McCAIN: My friends, That chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. And by the way, I'd like to tell you a little story about the chicken, many years ago that chicken was a prisoner of war... HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experie nce ma kes me uniquely qualified to ensure … (7 comments)
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humor: POLITICS 101 - EVEN I CAN UNDERSTAND THIS! HUMOR - 10/15/08 04:49 PM
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, l et me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government..
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that … (11 comments)
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humor: I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU! - HUMOR - 09/27/08 03:29 PM
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner … (12 comments)
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humor: IRS HUMOR...IF ANYTHING ABOUT THE IRS CAN BE FUNNY - 09/20/08 03:22 PM
IRS Tax Auditor at the synagogue At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: What about all these matzo (bread) purchases? … (9 comments)
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humor: POLITICS - IRISH STYLE - 06/14/08 08:19 AM
The Irish are such clear thinkers:
'We, in Ireland , can't figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election in the United States . On one side, you have a witch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a witch who is a lawyer. On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking rich woman who owns a beer distributorship. What are you lads thinking over there?'
… (7 comments)
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humor: HUMOR - YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP! - 04/02/08 04:33 PM
Burglary Chicago styleWhen Chicago resident Nathan Radlich's house was burgled recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That's at least is the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Chicago police said, 'It looked similar to high grade cocaine. They probably thought they'd hit the big time.'
Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died … (17 comments)
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humor: ONLY LAWYERS WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR INVITED - 04/02/08 04:30 PM
The best lawyer story of all time..... bar none
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a … (6 comments)
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humor: HUMOR - WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN - 03/25/08 05:56 PM
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to … (7 comments)
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humor: HUMOR - FISHING FOR A GOOD LAUGH - 03/10/08 06:04 PM
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?""Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could … (8 comments)
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humor: HUMOR WITH AN EDUCATIONAL TWIST = HORSES ASS! - 03/02/08 05:54 PM
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroadsWhy did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.Why did the wagons … (6 comments)
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humor: HUMOR - ON PARENTING - 02/21/08 01:38 PM
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter:Dear Dad,It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion
... Dad
... she's pregnant.Stacy said that … (6 comments)
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humor: HUMOR - SENIOR SEX - 02/18/08 08:25 AM
A Florida couple, Moe and Flo, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" Moe says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This … (16 comments)
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humor: HUMOR - FOR CAT FOLKS ONLY - 02/15/08 11:09 AM
A friend shared this with me today:
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one. You don't even have to like 'em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering Machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she … (10 comments)
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humor: HUMOR - TEA PARTY - 02/11/08 09:18 AM
A friend was kind enough to send me this story today...thought I'd share it with you all:
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother … (5 comments)
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humor: HUMOR - CONTRACT UNION - 02/04/08 06:55 AM
This is a story about a popular young Rabbi who, on Sabbath Eve, announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Sol Epstein, who owns a couple of Toyota and Lexus dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Lexus every year and his wife with a Toyota Sienna to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.
Sam Goldstein, a … (9 comments)
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humor: HUMOR - BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR - 02/03/08 10:18 AM
… (10 comments)
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humor: HUMOR - COMES WITH A DISCLAIMER - 01/31/08 09:10 AM
***what you are about to read is intended to be humorous and not intended to offend anyone. If you do not have a good sense of humor, please do not read any further.
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENUHello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.Please select from the following options menu:If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on theLine so we can trace your call.If you are … (6 comments)
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Gail Gladstone
Huntington,
NY
More about me…
Gladstone Group & Long Island Business Brokerage
Address: 191 Manor Road, Huntington, NY, 11743
Office Phone: (631) 425-6150
Cell Phone: (516) 241-4844
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