I am all for having a martini or two, folks. Maybe even three if it’s at least 10:00 AM. (I have my standards, you know.) However, I do draw the line at drinking and typing. It seems the MLS is going to hell in a hand basket. Read these real estate bloopers and tell me if you agree that there should be a breathalyzer test for fingers:

Corn Squeezins = Loss of Reason

“Pone found at open house” (Proudly ofered by Alabama Al and his Cornbread Combo.)

“Seller says he’s don” (That explains the horse’s head in your bed.)

“New studdo in back” (New bottle of Viagra in medicine cabinet.)

“Cabbage lights line the driveway” (Welcome to the International House of Slaw.)

“Long lisp of improvements” (Thairs, thucco, thiding and thewer?)

Over the Line on Moonshine

“Brown patches due to gardener ear” (Now that’s a disgusting wax problem!)

“Light filled adrian” (I warned Adrian about holding a flashlight in her teeth while on a trampoline.)

“This dimond is goiing to sell” (This dictionary is going to hit you upside the head.)

“Tase it all together” (Motto of the ever-friendly L.A.P.D. )

“Stains are from zap” (Let me guess – your boxer shorts after being tased by the L.A.P.D.?)

 Be Glad You Weren’t on Skype

“Bevriges served” (From the looks of things, they come in a shot glass.)

“Large space cabinet” (Are you referring to the space between your ears?)

“Bonus for close earl” (Grunted the surgeon to his flask after suturing the nail-gun wound in Earl’s hairy buttocks.)

“On steep hell” (Just like your career?)

This Week’s Fave

“Just pissed inspection” (This gives new meaning to “just waiting for the ink to dry.”)

That's all until next Friday, folks. In the meantime - Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com. 

As an experienced agent, I sometimes think I’ve seen everything, but when I read the remarks below, I realized I have so much to learn. For instance, how does one get enough pate for a road? Or enough figs to make drapes? And why would one shag on a roof? Read these bloopers, and then maybe you can explain it all to me:

A Leg Up On Things

“Leg in for details” (Oh yay – we’re doing the Hokey-Pokey!)

“Custom figged drapes” (How do you get the little fig seeds into the fabric?)

“Road just pated”  (Hence the expression, “What am I – chopped liver?”)

“Foe painting in lvg rom” (Uh, did that skull and crossbones on your wall tell you anything? )

“1/4 miles to Malibu Winary” (It’s apparent you’ve clocked this too many times…)

The Foot In Your Mouth Is Yours…

“Please leave fool and drink outside” (I tried that with my ex, but my neighbor kept complaining about the olives in her fountain. )

“Lawn just seedy” (Well, that describes your whole trailer park, doesn’t it?)

"Shed in bud condition" (And another grow house springs up in Hollywood...)

“Note new sin” (That's Hollywood for ya - we've perfected sin.)

“Rooms washed with color” (Yet another reason for chlorine-free bleach…)

That Last Step Resulted In Bodily Injury

“New shag shingles” (I can tell you from experience that a person should never shag on a roof.)

“Autistic touches throughout” (That’s a really moronic oxymoron, moron.)

"No credit for pest" (That's what my divorce lawyer said when I asked for hazardous duty pay.)

“New tail in kitchen” (Dead rabbit in stew.)

Speaking of the Tail End...

“Floos just finished” (And so am I.)

That's all until next Friday, folks. In the meantime - Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com. 

Hi Friends,
 
My daughter Kristin's show, "The Ringleader," has had a date change. It has been scheduled to air as a Valentine's Special on Tuesday, FEB 14 - BRAVO at 7:00 pm!  Please tune in and pass the word. She is beautiful, funny, smart, quirky-as-hell, and oh-so-talented...even beyond my maternal bias. Staying tuned in will bump the ratings, so if you hate it, please leave it on while you shower, shave, nap, go on safari, etc.  I appreciate your support so very much.
 
Official Bravo Press Release Below:

“The Ring Leader" Premieres At 7pm ET/PT
New York – February 1, 2012 – Cupid’s arrow has struck Bravo Media as two loved themed specials airing on Valentine’s Day with “The Ring Leader” on Tuesday, February 14th at 7 pm ET/PT, followed by “The Millionaire Matchmaker Valentine's Day WWHL Special” at 10:00 pm ET/PT. For more information visit www.bravotv.com and follow us on Twitter at https://twitter.com/BravoPR.

“The Ring Leader” follows larger than life wedding planner, Kristin Banta, whose out-of-the-box style is revolutionizing the way couples look at their special day. As founder of Kristin Banta Events, she brings her wedding expertise to the forefront, making each and every one of her client’s weddings into a must see spectacular event. Whether hanging chandeliers from trees, setting up an art installation or mounting a 100 foot tall wedding cake, Banta’s weddings are anything but the norm. In this one-hour special, Banta plans the ultimate wedding for Sarah and Michael, high school classmates who reconnect after a number of years. Despite a life altering accident that left Michael paralyzed from the waist down in his teens, there is nothing that will stop this daring, adventurous couple from putting on a wedding that will be remembered forever. Banta has one shot to prove that she can make this couple’s wedding as unexpected and unforgettable as possible.

FOR YOU TECH SAAVY FRIENDS:
There is a #hashtag for the show on Twitter - #TheRingLeader - so by all means, feel free to Tweet about the show and let  @KristinBanta know what you think! Also, if you want to send extra support, please tweet @BravoTV, @BravoAndy and @BravoPR.

Thank you for indulging her proud mama!!!

Look for my next Blooper Blog - returning this Friday!

Yes, it's Friday, and the Blooper Scooper is back. When you see some of the gaffes I found this week, you may want to shave your own head in protest. Check out these hysterical faux pas, friends:

Please tell me it’s a joke…

“Park at Kim’s Wart” ( Uh, not so fast - is there a hair growing out of it?)

“Blow-up sale” (Did this occur before or after you blew up your career?)”

“Electriiciity now on” (My gut says you tested the outlets with a fork.)

“Key hidden under matt” (I can only imagine where Matt’s keyhole is…)

“Dont hasittate” (Don’t drink Nyquil.)

Please tell me you don’t live in L.A

“Here it is – a buyer’s dram” (There it goes – an agent’s six-pack.)

“A correction of  statues”  (Is that when someone paints little panties on their bare, marble arses?)

“Canceleed – agent suck” (Who ever said introspection is overrated?)

“Lush on gate” (Wait for it...yep, lush just hit floor.)

“Bring the city into your home” (Like when the LAPD choppers circle overhead with their spotlights frying all living creatures?)

Okay, then just tell me you’re an only child…

“Private and ga”  (Uh, hello? Chest paddles, anyone? )

“Flos now finished” (You must be Flo…)

“Erotic plants” (Let me guess – they slither on poles?)

“Bald touches everywhere” (That’s what they say about Bruce Willis on coke.)

This week’s shocker:

“Presenting the Tajma Hall of Leases” (Presenting the idiot savant of all agents.)

That’s all until next week, folks. Spell and Sell! 

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.  

Hi Dear Friends - For all of my kind supporters, please note that the date for my daughter's premiere (see original blog below) has been changed; THE RINGLEADER - BRAVO - FRIDAY FEB 10  - 9 or 10 pm. Please check schedule, as the time has not been confirmed - it will follow Millionaire Matchmaker.  PLEASE TUNE IN AND BOOST THE RATINGS. Much gratitude from her proud mama.

KRISTIN BANTA IS "THE RINGLEADER"

Premieres Monday, February 27 at 10pm ET/PT  on BRAVO

Follows larger than life wedding planner, KRISTIN BANTA, whose out-of-the-box style is revolutionizing the way couples look at their special day.

Hip, hysterical, and artistic beyond the limits of imagination.

Yes, friends, she's my darling daughter, so forgive a mother's pride...and please tune in. She's beautiful, hysterical, and soooo talented. No, none of it came from me - I just popped her out and raised her on martinis, the Stones, and John Irving. Okay, maybe it was I who was drinking the martinis. I can't remember due to the black-outs.

Thank you for indulging a proud mama!

I'LL BE BACK WITH BLOOPERS THIS FRIDAY!

The year is rolling along at the speed of idiots! Check out these bloopers from the MLS and real estate ads, and I’m sure I’ll get no argument.  Jane Peters of Los Angeles and Michael Jacobs of Pasadena both found some great bloopers this week. I suspect this year will be a wild ride, folks!

Fumble, Bumble and Stumble

“Fumbled marble adores baths” (Fumbled agent adores martinis.)

“Somother work to be done” (Say good-bye to the mother-in-law.)

“Formal dinging room”  (Shag carpet, I presume?)

“Will maul your directly” (Said Sean Penn just before he took out two paparazzi.)

“Processing pee” (For those who wish to purchase a kidney…)

“This house has pizzas” (That explains the well-lit Domino’s sign on the roof.)

Biting the Dust Can Be Humiliating

“This is a crate house” (Then I suggest you climb inside and ship yourself to Crazytown.)

“Plaintain shutters on windows” (Monkeys crapping on window sills.)

“Submit to doc” (Not until he puts down that gigantic probe…)

“Certified insectors” (Certified by mosquitoes, I presume?)

“Sellers need  two moths to close” (Perhaps the insectors can help you out there.)

“Studding colors” (Let me guess, Viagra blue?)

Maybe There’s An Afterlife

“Turn at boweling lane” (Is that what the probe is for?)

“Posts have cemen support” (Again with the Viagra!)

That's all until next Friday, folks. In the meantime - Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com. 

Something may have been rotten in the State of Denmark, but the MLS isn’t smelling much better.  Check out these stinkers and clinkers from the MLS and other real estate ads  if you’re in the mood for a few giggles:

Something Seems Amiss…

“One moth incentive” (Do you wave wool sweaters before their little eyes?)

“Come see a good hose” (All I see is a dumb hoser.)

“This yer special” (Aww, yer special, too… in a really slow kind of way.)

“Ice cram served”  (That’s even too kinky for me…and I live in L.A.!)

“$10k bonus to close end” (Have you tried the “ice cram”? That oughta close your end!) 

Now I’m really Confused

“Drawwing for fre tip” (Here’s a “fre tip”: Try removing your baseball mitt when you type.)

“Out with the old, usher in the mew” (Interesting - ice the old broad and then buy a cat?)

“Prussians can stay” (…So said the Germans, but how’s that workin’ out for ‘em now?)

“Dog hole will be fixed” (I believe it’s their protrusions that require alteration…)

“Turn R at chich” (…Got stoned with Chong?)

“Water dramage” (That’s what I said to the bartender when he put too much water in my scotch.)

“Too mush to desscribe” (That’s what I said when he bent over in his tight jeans.)

This Week’s Faves:

“Windy path” (You must be describing my Uncle Paddy’s boxer shorts.)

"Expel the best" (I believe that is an Irish farting game, no?)

“Invisible wall of gass” (That’s what we call my Uncle Paddy after a few beers and a sausage.)

That's all until next Friday, folks. In the meantime - Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.  

ANNOUNCING SOMETHING EXCITING!!!!

“The Ring Leader”

Premieres Monday, February 27 at 10pm ET/PT  on BRAVO

Follows larger than life wedding planner, KRISTIN BANTA, whose out-of-the-box style is revolutionizing the way couples look at their special day.

Hip, hysterical, and artistic beyond the limits of imagination.

Yes, friends, she's my darling daughter, so forgive a mother's pride...and please tune in. She's beautiful, hysterical, and soooo talented. No, none of it came from me - I just popped her out and raised her on martinis, the Stones, and John Irving. Okay, maybe it was I who was drinking the martinis. I can't remember due to the black-outs.

Thank you for indulging a proud mama!

I'LL BE BACK WITH BLOOPERS THIS FRIDAY!

Happy New Year, friends. This year is starting out with as much laughter as we ended with in 2011 when buyers flocked “like bees to hiney.”  (Please see the 2011 Dufis Award in my last post.)  The following bloopers will prove that nothing much has changed regarding MLS giggles and goofs. Check out these gaffes to start your year with some hearty laughs:

One Too Many

"Ring hell" (You mean New Jersey?)

“Mable on floor” (Apparently Mable is running a tab…)

“Start the year with a  bung”  (No thanks, I already divorced one of those.)

“Come for Thai launch” (I didn’t know  a Thai could orbit.)

“Hind end electronics” (Does the seller’s arse lights up like a Christmas tree?)

“New canopee adds color” (I bet a can-o-pee would add warmth, too.)

“Serving crackers and drip” (That explains the can-o-pee.)

And, You’re Staggering…

“Choose custom pants” (I’ll take the ones wearing George Clooney.)

“Good property in desire area” (Let me guess - a one hour hotel just off Hollywood Blvd?)

“Temporary on hood” (That’s called a hit-and-run in L.A.)

“Happy new ear” (…Mumbled Van Gogh just before he sealed the envelope.)

“Nice view pint” (“View” pint? Methinks you’ve been chugging  pints.)

“5bd/3ba mouse” (I suspect there were steroids involved…)

“For hose that want a great view” (Don’t most hose have a great view?)

“Fast appoval with no wit” (There’s no wit like a dim wit, nitwit.)

You’ll Never Recover From THIS!

“All  cocs require wet signatures’ (Uh… I first heard that line from my high school boyfriend, pal. I believe he’s still in intensive care.)

Have a great year, friends, and look for more bloopers next Friday!

 For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.  

Well friends, this is my last blooper post of the year, and I still have not run out of material. I don’t know whether to thank these hapless agents or to flog them. At the very least, Perhaps I should commend them for sending us off into 2012 with a lot of laughter. Enjoy these bloopers, and have a Happy New Year everyone!

For Those With Hang-Ups

“Kitch with breakfast hook” (Heehaw - hook ‘em, book ‘em and cook ‘em!)

“Indescribable wildlift” (How are those diet pills workin’ out for ya, sweetie?)

“Bif gym fully equipped” (Who’s more fully equipped – Bif or the gym?)

“Brig bonus by New Year’s day” (Yay – a prison party – at last I’ll find a date!)

“Pets wilcome” (Ahhh, a veternarian’s Field of Dreams.)

From Those Who Should Be Hanged

"Snort Sale" - (Okay Scarface, that explains the teeth grinding)

“Christmas crab bag” (I think there’s an ointment for that.)

“Big troy drive” (Methinks this is an ancient Greek ad for a Trojan horse...)

“Nice entertainment arena” (Proudly offered by Ringling Brothers Realty.)

“Fully rehabilitated upper level” (Let me guess - ”Twelve Steps” to get there?)

“Breakfat room” (Lapband, anyone?)

“Come to holiday patty” (This is Hollywood, pal - if you pay Patty, she’ll come to you.)

“Enjoy the egg nod” (That explains why your keyboard is affixed to your forehead.)

Can You Hang Somebody Twice?

“Celebrity hose” (Who did they belong to – J. Edgar Hoover?)

“You’ll like dip in pool” (I will if he’s cute and buys me dinner…)

“Ned addition” (Is Ned the dip floating in the pool?)

“Hug play area”  (Ned again?)

“Please ignore big hole in yard” (Should I also ignore the casket with the dead flowers?)

And The 2011 Dufis Award Goes To…

“Buyers will flock like bees to hiney” (Okay, let me first stop laughing long enough to pen a smart-mouth comment. …Oh hell, I can’t….this is killing me…seriously, this has me on the floor, folks.  Okay, let’s try again: “Buyers will flock like bees to hiney.” I’m sorry, I just can’t top that one other than to say:

 ”They must  know an ass when they see one!” 

 For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.  

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FRIENDS!