Sherlock of Homes

“Beautiful craftmanshit” - The Straight Poop About MLS Bloopers

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Thu, 24 May 2012 11:06:31 -0700

Something in America has died, my friends – spelling! But how much fun would we have if we couldn’t occasionally laugh at some of these ridiculous bloopers from the MLS and the local real estate ads? Some of these are worth donning a party hat:

Where the Bodies Lie…

“Lvg newly planted” (RIP – Just like your listing.)

“Windows have plantations” (Let me guess…Keith Richards’ grow house?)

“Corn early” (Agricultural update provided by Chief Sitting Bull.)

“Beautiful craftmanshit” (…So it’s a pile of crap like your career?)

Decomposed and Deconstructed

“Details from a bye gone era (Kiss your seller bye while you’re at it.)

“Was once a boaring house” (Talk about groveling in pig s__t!)

“This will put a smell on your buyer’s face” ( So you’re gonna slap him upside the head with a mackerel?)

“Pride of Owdership” (That ain’t the only thing that stinks about this listing!)

“A cat above” (Grinned Jerry just before he drooped an anvil on Tom’s foot.)

In Requiem

“Will sail fast” (Mumbled Axl Rose just before he hurled a phone off his twelfth floor balcony.)

“At end of cure” (Pronounced Harriet Hair-Wrecker as flames erupted from the curling iron.)

“Drop-don stairway” (Well, that explains Don King’s lack of mental acuity…)

“Drawinf for free oPad” (You’re just one key stroke short of a Depends, pal…) Hint: Look at letter to the right of the "o" on the keyboard.

“Two many changes to describe” (Let me help: One – Chastity Bono before, and Two - Chastity Bono after.)

My Fave

“Swing fur kids” (Why swing the little buggers when you can shave ‘em?)

That’s it for this week, folks. Remember: Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"View from fat area" - MLS Blubber 'n' Blunders

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 18 May 2012 10:28:31 -0700

The gaffes and laughs were all over the MLS and the real estate ads this week, friends. Do you recognize your listing remarks in any of these? If so, I’ll promise not to rat you out if you send me lots of money…or martinis…

MLS MONKEYSHINES

“View from fat area” (The only view from my fat area is my shoes.)

“Thought after area” (After-thought agent.)

“Wiggle room here” (Sign on the door at Strippers 'R' Us.)

“May ham bank approval” (If you are referring to B of A, mayhem is an understatement.)

Catting Around

“Fresh cat of paint” (What’s the cat’s name – Dunn Edwards?)

“Persians in lvg room already bought” (I'll tell you what they've already bought – most of Los Angeles!)

“You’ll enjoy coattails on the veranda” (That depends on what he’s wearing underneath the coat.)

“Dog hose matches architecture” (According to fashion experts, Lassie’s hose should match her ensemble.)

“New draims” (Old draim bramage.)

Barking Up the Wrong Tree

“Hole in flor not fixx” (Let me guess – you’re Flor, the hole is in your cerebrum, and you need a fix…)

“Big state sale” (Wassup - are the Bushes trying to unload Texas?)

“Choose your own fissures” (Said the doctor to the intern while waving a cauterizing instrument over his patient’s hairy bum.)

“Ligation has been resolved” (You untied your tubes?)

In the Dog House

“Go to my log for details” (How much detail can there be in four inches?)

That’s it for this week, folks. Remember: Spell Well and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"Just got shine" - Boozin', Snoozin' & Losin' on the MLS

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 11 May 2012 10:28:49 -0700

Hmmm… this week I couldn’t figure out if folks were dropping in, dropping out, or just dropping acid. The Blooper Scooper is back, my friends. Check out this week’s spectacular MLS gaffes:

Please Tell Me You Don’t Plan to Reproduce

“Just got shine” (Guffawed the bootlegger as he pulled cousin Bubba out of the still.)

“High c’lings and interisting ankles” (Nonetheless, Jim, I think you could find a more flattering pair of high heels.)

“Large carpart” (Screamed the tourist upon his first encounter with the Hollywood freeway.)

“Kitchen w/ pass trough” (I’ll alert the cows.)

“Proberty has extra space” (So does your brain.)

“Take advantage o floss” (Said the dentist while examining Gary Busey’s enormous teeth.)

Oops, Man Down

"Putt in offer" (You must be the agent who had beans for lunch...)

“New gavel in drive” (Dead judge under jilted wife’s tire.)

“Big deck to enjoy the stun” (When tasering, I suggest you drag your victims off the property.)

“Contact me at.” (Seems that third martini was a killer...literally.)

“You can see the canyon dropoff” (Screamed my drunken neighbor during the last L.A. quake.

“For chefs and backers” (At last, a place for broken NFL players to call home.)

Overstated and PG – Rated

“Member to include approval” (Uh, I’ll be the judge as to whether your member meets approval.)

“Auction Day Cuntdown” (Oh dear Lord, do you know how much restraint I am exercising right now, you bumbling idiot???)

That's it for this week, folks. Remember: Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

“Lots of fres hair” - Hair Raising MLS Bloopers

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 04 May 2012 00:54:20 -0700

The Blooper Scooper is back, folks. Bad-spelling-while-selling seems to be an epidemic. Thanks to Jane Peters and Bruce Walter for sending me some great contributions this week. These are from all over the country, lest you think all the nuts are here in L.A. Check these out:

Splitting Hairs

“Lots of fres hair” (Let me guess... How to identify Diana Ross in a monsoon?)

“Nice bungalou” (Crooned Desi, as Lucy and her banana hat toppled into the orchestra pit.)

“Polish Peg Floors with visible knots” (Polish Peg could use a laxative.)

“Huge Malibu cornpound” (If I were the seller, I'd tell you to pound sand.)

Room With A View

“Has god view” (Uh, Al Sharpton on LSD?)

“Branch swerved” (Apparently the IQ delivery truck swerved, too.)

“Creates a feeling of sanity” (Yo, Electroshock Ed - that ship has sailed!)

“Lost parking” (But not nearly as lost as the agent...)

“Thi luncheon providedd” (Thi art out to lunch already.)

This One Is For The Birds

“Hear the birds chipping” (But how do they hold on to the golf club?)

“Crow moldings” (Well if ever there was a reason to shoot the bird...)

“Beautiful view of buffs” (My plea to L.A.P.D. when I was caught in the men's shower at Gold's Gym...)

“Sun and swaying pams” (Methinks Pam needs to lay off the martinis.)

Blooper of the Week

“Cool de sack” (Well that explains the ice bag in your trousers.)

That's it for this week, folks. Remember: Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"Wife Installed" - Odd Features and Strange Creatures - The MLS

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 11:38:27 -0700

In spite of a recovering market, there was some subconscious hostility displayed in real estate this week, friends. Check out these Freudian bloopers I came across in local real estate ads and the MLS. Prozac anyone?

Flying High

"Planes available" (Advertised Jet Blue after the general populace finally realized it's a suicidal airline.)

"Lots of mirres" (Did you notice the reflection of that stupid guy looking back at you?)

"Nice floor pans" (Uh, to improve the wok-way?)

"Killer view" (Said Inmate # 7 when asked why he wanted a room upgrade.)

"Peckaboo view" (Said Randy Rooster while peering at a hot hen through a hole in the chicken coop.)

"Fresh cot of paint" (Liquid furniture is only appealing to porpoises.)

How Low Can You Go?

"For clients and relators" (No spelly = no selly.)

"Stained class add collar" (Said Lenin while trying to tame the proletariat.)

"Must qual with our brokes" (It's no wonder you're brokes.)

"Sunday cancelled" (Said God after spending Saturday night on the Sunset Strip .)

"Wife installed" (That's one way to insure that the old bag doesn't follow.)

"Dump to be removed" (I believed that's referred to as 'flushing.')

And Finally, He-e-e-e-re's Tor:

"Tor by invitation" (You're not that hot, Tor.)

"Call tor private viewing" (I've seen better, Tor.)

"Size inaccurate" (Yep - that's what I'm sayin', Tor.)

That's it for this week, folks. Remember: Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"High cop rate" - MLS Highs and Lows

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 00:15:22 -0700

Reading the MLS and local real estate ads is like reading the comics. I just wish I were artistic enough to accompany these bloopers with cartoon drawings. Thanks to Vicki Moore of San Mateo for her great contribution. Visualize these hilarious gaffes in a comic strip:

Resident President

“Set a president” (Set him where – on my mantle?)

“Lots of cass” (The reason the Mamas and the Papas traveled in an extra wide van.)

“AA good house – needs your touches” (Celebrity Rehab Rehab.)

“Microwake” (The time between when you hit the snooze button and “Oh-sh_t-I’ve-overslept-again!”)

“Studio with walking closet” (Like socks in a dryer, you never know where they wander off to.)

Nurses and Curses

“We’ll put out the welcome mad” (Cackled Nurse Ratchet of Ward B at Bellevue.)

“Sacks served” (Offered by Bag-Em-n-Tag-Em Realty.)

“Seller pays terminate” (…Said the agent representing the Don Corleone Estate.)

“Lab of luxury” (Let me guess – A dog driving a Bentley?)

“Red private remarks” (Said Comrade Kharkov while wielding a scythe.)

Hi, High…

“Sink with vegetable spayer” (I assume this is the home of a “vegeternarian.”)

“Views of sun and scruf” (Apparently Mickey Rourke lives next door…)

“High cop rate” (Sign in the window at The Donut Palace.)

“Room for all your dishes and pot” ( Purred Betty Bong as she threw open the cupboards to hunt for munchies.)

…and Higher

“Explosive views” (Another Hollywood meth lab goes skyward.)

That's it for this week, folks. Remember - Spell and Sell.

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"One car grudge" - Hilarious MLS Backfires

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 22:03:20 -0700

The Blooper Scooper is back, folks, and this week’s picks demonstrate the beauty of the written turd. Uh, word. Thanks to Bruce Walter of West Lafayette for his hysterical contribution. Check out these absurdities if you want a few laughs:

Expect the Unexpected

“Please compact me” (Last words of Jimmy Hoffa)

“Good desin” (So the exorcism was a success?)

“Fax or bail docs” (If I bail out a doc, can I get a free colonoscopy?)

“House with colorful accent” (Must be an Italian villa…)

“Watch the sun set over the buffs” (Gold’s Gym must be up for sale.)

When Ordinary Just Won’t Do

“Showing Tim – 1:00 pm” (Does Tim have something to brag about?)

“Widow shudders” (Because you just walked into the room?)

“Coffin ceilings” (Perfect for an agent like you who is already DOA.)

“One car grudge” (Kia owner, I presume?)

“Ranch w/ 2 dunk houses” (When a coffee cup just won’t satisfy your donut…)

One Toke Over the Line

“Drop in sot” (Description under Uncle Paddy’s photo at Chuck-a-Jug.)

“Lick your own pants” (Recommended when you slosh your martini. )

“Designer saint” (Vera Wang before she left the convent…)

Typo of the Year:

“A wonderfuk house” – (Uh, I think that’s only legal in Nevada.)

That’s is for this week, folks. Spell Well and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"In escargot" - Hasty 'n' Tasty MLS Bloopers

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 16:26:11 -0700

This was a week for great bloopers and auto-fill madness, folks. Thanks to Bruce Walter of West Lafayette, Indiana for his hilarious farmer contribution. Check out these MLS and real estate advertising funnies:

Dishing It Out

"Will sell soot" (Proudly offered by Bert, The Chimney Sweep and his partner, Mary Poppins.)

"Farmers makeit every Tuesday" (Hence the term, "bump-her crop.".)

"Make this your nest cattle" (Word to the wise: If there's a cattle nest in your tree, don't sit under it without a really big hat.)

"Sophistication and crass" ( Sandra Bullock when she was with Jesse James?)

"Nice scaly rooms" (The heartbreak of Psoriasis.)

From the Frying Pan Into the Fire...

"Lush lit" (Like when you stumbled into the room with your underwear over your trousers?)

"Braught in Europe" (How 'bout a little schnitzel with that, Hans?)

"Brick with beautiful clanging vines" (Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for your career...)

"Offers will be sordid based on qualifications" (Rep. Anthony Weiner's comment on his nudie Twitter photos.)

"This will be your last stop" (Said the LAPD to Uncle Paddy after he kissed the bartender and then peed in his shoe.)

"Best Reality tools in the biz" (Electroshock paddles?)

"High-end pain" (...said Rick Santorum while setting fire to Mitt Romney's drivers license.)

Just Desserts:

"In escargot" (...said the snail to his mother after crawling in after curfew smelling of butter, garlic and wine.)

"Craps are on surface only" ( Too drunk to hit the toilet bowl?)

"Your buyers will yank you" (Um, isn't that a little personal?)

That's it for this week, folks. Remember - Spell and Sell.

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"Real germ" - The MLS Misspelling Plague

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 09:45:13 -0700

You can say toe-may-to, and I can say toe-mah-toe, but we both need to spell it properly unless we want to come off like morons, right? Well, you decide. The MLS apparently has come out with a new dictionary I didn’t know about: The MLS Garble Edition.

Read it and weep:

Now Trending…

"Real germ” (Uh, pet name for your ex?)

“Retaining wall shited” (You would, too, if you were hanging onto a California hillside during a 6.7 shaker.)

“Recently samblasted” (A description of my home after my Uncle Sam eats cabbage.)

“Won bedroom” (What one is left with after a Hollywood divorce.)

“Hat property” (You must be referring to those towers Princess Beatrice sports on her royal noggin.)

“Dog seltzer” (A popular beverage for dogs with hang-overs.)

You Say Tomato, I say…

“Minor carpeting” (Too young for shag?)

“Miner work needed” (The helmet with the light and the canary were a dead giveaway.)

“Pocked listing” (I hear Proactive is very effective for that.)

“New constriction” (Have you tried a Fleet enema?)

‘Roamin shades” (Is that like roamin’ black-outs when the electric company jacks us around?)

“Former home of famous tart” (Paris? Lindsey? Liberace?)

Auto-Fill Blooper of the Week

“For those with disturbing taste.” (Intoned my mother when I brought my ex home…)

Even Webster Didn’t Plan For This!

“Watch head, ponch hangs low ” (Maybe Ponch should invest in a jock strap…)

“New irritation” (That’s what happens when your ponch hits the pavement.)

Thanks to Patty DaSilva and Jane Peters for their hilarious contributions this week. That’s it, friends. I need to rest my shattered psyche now. Remember – Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"Seller wants clothes" - The Naked Truth About MLS Bloopers

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 12:45:30 -0700

All I can say is, “Ouch!” Some of these flubs should be etched on the tombstones of the perpetrators. Imagine these bloopers on headstones:

And Here I Lie…

“Loin has been removed” (Bragged Tony “The Eviscerator” Tartaglia before catching a flight back to Jersey.)

“Alaroundeck furniture” (Alaroundumb advertising.)

“Widow boxes add charm” (How charming can one be when stuffed in a box?)

“Hurry, lost one!” (“David Livingstone, I presume?”)

And No Wonder I’m Dead…

“Come S to avoid confession” (What's this - a welcome sign on the Road to Hell?)

“This is high over all others” (You must be referring to Don King’s hair.)

“Lots of wilt life in area” (Yet another ad for Happy Trails Retirement Village.)

“New cHeating system” (Let me guess – banks foreclosing on the hapless in order to get bailout money?)

“Guaranteed to fat your budget” (Is seems to have worked for your head.)

For the Brain I was Given, Was Nothing But Lead

“Leadin sales” (Chapter 1 – Why We Drink So Much – The 2011 Agent Book of Laments.)

“Seller wants clothes” (No doubt he lost his shirt in the sale.)

“You can’t pass this” (Said the doctor while gazing at an X-ray of a twenty-five pound kidney stone.)

“Number wan pririority” (Reason #1 not to talk while flossing.)

“Hoing fast” (Introducing the new Mayor of Chinatown.)

Flub of the Week

“Access rumps” (Nope, not going there....pass...)

That’s it for this week, folks – spell and sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"Price just droppings" - Do-Do and Don'ts on the MLS

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 10:16:40 -0800

Cue the music: “You’ve got to ac-cen-tuate the positive, e-lim-inate…” Oh, where was I? Yes, waste on the MLS. Check out these hilarious bloopers that were wasted opportunities to advertise listings. Remember, friends: Spell and Sell!

Eliminate The Negative

"Price just droppings" (From what I can see, your license has the same value.)

“Dumpers in driveway removed soon” (Anyone who takes a dump in my driveway will be ”removed” to the hood of my speeding car.)

“Buyers will tank you” (You just tanked yourself.)

“2 porches & mad room” (That expalins the padded walls.)

“Energy saber appliances” (Former home of Obi-Wan?)

“Seller wall carry” (That’s one sure way to get a hernia.)

Accentuate the Positive

“Views of cannon” (…shrugged Robert E. Lee to his Lieutenent at Gettysburg while Map Questing the Appomattox Courthouse.)

“New point upper level” (Yes, I can see it there on the top of your head.)

“Damage from moister intrushion” (Let me guess – the diagnosis regarding the water on your brain?)

“Flor needs buff” (Just put a paper bag over Flor's head.)

There Is No In-Between

“Very nice manicared” (Is this Medicare for men, or a Beauty Salon in West Hollywood?)

“Whitewarshed” (...A cousin to the ever-popular German sausage, the “bratwarshed.”)

“Kitchen all stains” (A bit like your professional reputation, eh?)

“Tub and shower congregation” (They must belong to the Church-of-Cleanliness-Is-Next-to-Godliness.)

“Lovely walking pat in area” (Is Pat a zombie, or did she wander away from Stepford Retirement Village?)

Sold For a Song (My Fave of the Week)

“Matched real good” (…said the bull to Mrs. O’Leary’s cow as they cavorted in the pasture while Chicago burned.)

That’s is for this week, folks. Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"Realy goose house" - Cooking Your Goose on the MLS

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 23:58:37 -0800

Are you cooking your own goose with your listing remarks? This week was a smorgasbord of blooper delights. Yes, real estate can be a pressure cooker, friends, but it seems these agents have offered themselves up as the first course:

Plug In The George Foreman

"Realy goose house" (Let me guess - you'll bend over backwards for me?)

“Radiation heet” (Oh great - buy, fry, and die.)

“Flame retarded fabrics” (It seems the flames had the same effect on you.)

“Gas – landlords” (Then I'd advise you not to light a match near his arse.)

“Seller wants fist” (I’m not touching this one…)

“Divorce special” (Yeah - just wait until you get the bill.)

And Now For the Side Dishes

“Drawing for Pad” (Always a fun activity at The Grim Reaper Retirement Home…)

“Nice orifice” (It that the slogan on your business card?)

“Trees will be curt” (They must be French.)

“Low for nice aria” (How do you hit the high notes – tight boxers?)

“Will disgust carry” (Carry is right - you disgust me, too.)

Just Desserts

“Call about nice seller proposal” (Does he have hair and a job?)

“Lawn just laid” (Everyone gets more action than I do!)

“Pets – no aloud” (Isn’t it hard to train them to sign with their paws?)

Auto-fill Blooper of the Week

“Incorrigible city views” (Welcome to Los Angeles, dude.)

“Please aske for assassin” (I'm sure your wife already has.)

That’s it for this week, folks. Until next Friday, Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"You will like a log" - MLS Gaffes and Laughs

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 08:25:58 -0800

The world of real estate has gone mad. The MLS had so many bloopers this past week that I’m convinced the winter slump has set in and brains are hibernating. Thanks to Jane Peters of Los Angeles and Fred Glick of Philadelphia for their great finds. Enjoy the fun, my friends:

You Snooze, You Lose

“Very delirious home” (…And it seems you've been drinking the Cool-Aid.)

“Trembled marble” (You’d tremble, too, if you were laid out on a slab.)

“Submerge docs with FICOs” (Newsflash: Most FICO’s already went down the crapper.)

“Features tennis pools” (How desirable can wet balls really be?)

“Your buyers wash for this” (Well that explains the wet balls…)

Now You’re Snoring, Pal

“Deadline rewinder” (Let me guess – the ever-popular Real Estate Groundhog’s Day?)

“Beverly Hills confound” (Uh, Paris Hilton’s driving skills?)

“Private rear” (Unless you’re Kim Kardashian…)

“Lots of walking trials” (Methinks someone had a three-martini lunch.)

“You will like a log” (Is that what your mother said to your girlfriend?)

Say Goodnight, Gracie

“Open on Sinday” (I don't know where you're from, pal, but every day is Sinday in Hollywood.)

"Walking distance to restaurants and freeways." (...Said Al Cowling to OJ Simpson after the Bronco had been seized by LAPD.)

"Well lit hardwood flooring" (I bet those strobes really piss off the neighbors.)

And the "If You Can't Spin, Give In" Award Goes To:

[Price Tag: $602,000] "House has major foundation issues with mold. No warranties are giving....There are cracks in the foundation with 3 to 4 inches off the back of the house...The retaining wall has major issues with water running into the back of the house. Part of the house in not in liable (livable?) condition. Buyer to be aware of dog in backyard. Please be aware there is freeway noise... Their was additional structural damaged found after buyer inspection. The pool does not work or in operating condition. A lot of draining issues with leaking roof... The retaining wall is worse condition then expected.

(Note to Agent: I have heard better spin on condos in Hell. I suggest you take a nap on the freeway and let the dog sell the house.)

That's all until next Friday, folks. In the meantime - Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"Asphalt roll" - Are You Steam-Rolling Your Own MLS Listings?

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 10:39:22 -0800

Is it any wonder I drink, folks? From beef to bull, this week’s MLS bloopers left me in tears. Thanks to Ben Goheen, Patty DaSilva and Jane Peters for their hysterical contributions. It’s nice to know that not all the crazies live in L.A. Check these out:

Out and About

“Sellers mooed out” (They probably had a beef about something…)

“Preview only for out agents” (Offered by Barney Frank Realty.)

“Bank REO – sumbit with buyers’ credenza” (I would if I knew how to squeeze a credenza into a fax machine.)

“Pans for bedroom” (Welcome to Sunset Acres Nursing Home.)

“Asphalt roll and dilled” (Menu item #1 at Shitski Sushi.)

“You’ll love accent” (Only if it’s coming out of the mouth of Antonio Banderas.)

Dark Humor

“Large blackyard for kids” (I think that’s called a freeway.)

“Has pool and clubhose” (At last – hosiery for club feet!)

“Palmergranted trees in back” (You should find one with a branch that can support a noose.)

“Tennis and shovel ball” (It takes a tool to know one.)

“Fore in good condition” (Another foreskin update by Rabbi Rachamim.)

“Ceil’g fin in foyer’ (That explains the chandelier in the aquarium.)

“The Rambling Rose Awards Go To:

“The huge outback is truly awaiting so tlc and can become a oasis” (…Said the stoned kangaroo while smoking a doobie and perusing the listing sheets in his delivery pouch.)

“Three great reasons to buy now: Low rates, low prices.” (Straight from the Rick Perry School of Oratory.)

Zinger of the Month

“Needs a little tlc to bring back its full shite” (Yes, sweetie, you’re right – now put down the mirror and stop examining your wrinkled mug.)

Reminder: Valentine's Day Premiere of "THE RINGLEADER"!

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 20:11:02 -0800

Hi Friends, This is just a reminder that my daughter's TV special "The Ring Leader" will premiere Tuesday, February 14 at 7 PST on Bravo, and airing again at 9pm and 11pm (according to my Cable guide, but please check your own cable schedule).

"The Ring Leader" follows larger than life wedding planner, Kristin Banta, whose out-of-the-box style is revolutionizing the way couples look at their special day. Kristin is beautiful, hysterical, and wildly talented.
SNEAK PREVIEW: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htWVrQxtG54&feature=player_embedded

KRISTIN BANTA IS "THE RINGLEADER"

Her mom thanks you all for your support!

"On steep hell" - MLS Bloopers - An Assessment of Your Career?

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 13:48:35 -0800

I am all for having a martini or two, folks. Maybe even three if it’s at least 10:00 AM. (I have my standards, you know.) However, I do draw the line at drinking and typing. It seems the MLS is going to hell in a hand basket. Read these real estate bloopers and tell me if you agree that there should be a breathalyzer test for fingers:

Corn Squeezins = Loss of Reason

“Pone found at open house” (Proudly ofered by Alabama Al and his Cornbread Combo.)

“Seller says he’s don” (That explains the horse’s head in your bed.)

“New studdo in back” (New bottle of Viagra in medicine cabinet.)

“Cabbage lights line the driveway” (Welcome to the International House of Slaw.)

“Long lisp of improvements” (Thairs, thucco, thiding and thewer?)

Over the Line on Moonshine

“Brown patches due to gardener ear” (Now that’s a disgusting wax problem!)

“Light filled adrian” (I warned Adrian about holding a flashlight in her teeth while on a trampoline.)

“This dimond is goiing to sell” (This dictionary is going to hit you upside the head.)

“Tase it all together” (Motto of the ever-friendly L.A.P.D. )

“Stains are from zap” (Let me guess – your boxer shorts after being tased by the L.A.P.D.?)

Be Glad You Weren’t on Skype

“Bevriges served” (From the looks of things, they come in a shot glass.)

“Large space cabinet” (Are you referring to the space between your ears?)

“Bonus for close earl” (Grunted the surgeon to his flask after suturing the nail-gun wound in Earl’s hairy buttocks.)

“On steep hell” (Just like your career?)

This Week’s Fave

“Just pissed inspection” (This gives new meaning to “just waiting for the ink to dry.”)

That's all until next Friday, folks. In the meantime - Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"Foe painting" - This Week's Colorful MLS Bloopers

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 12:49:49 -0800

As an experienced agent, I sometimes think I’ve seen everything, but when I read the remarks below, I realized I have so much to learn. For instance, how does one get enough pate for a road? Or enough figs to make drapes? And why would one shag on a roof? Read these bloopers, and then maybe you can explain it all to me:

A Leg Up On Things

“Leg in for details” (Oh yay – we’re doing the Hokey-Pokey!)

“Custom figged drapes” (How do you get the little fig seeds into the fabric?)

“Road just pated” (Hence the expression, “What am I – chopped liver?”)

“Foe painting in lvg rom” (Uh, did that skull and crossbones on your wall tell you anything? )

“1/4 miles to Malibu Winary” (It’s apparent you’ve clocked this too many times…)

The Foot In Your Mouth Is Yours…

“Please leave fool and drink outside” (I tried that with my ex, but my neighbor kept complaining about the olives in her fountain. )

“Lawn just seedy” (Well, that describes your whole trailer park, doesn’t it?)

"Shed in bud condition" (And another grow house springs up in Hollywood...)

“Note new sin” (That's Hollywood for ya - we've perfected sin.)

“Rooms washed with color” (Yet another reason for chlorine-free bleach…)

That Last Step Resulted In Bodily Injury

“New shag shingles” (I can tell you from experience that a person should never shag on a roof.)

“Autistic touches throughout” (That’s a really moronic oxymoron, moron.)

"No credit for pest" (That's what my divorce lawyer said when I asked for hazardous duty pay.)

“New tail in kitchen” (Dead rabbit in stew.)

Speaking of the Tail End...

“Floos just finished” (And so am I.)

That's all until next Friday, folks. In the meantime - Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

Exciting Premiere - Final Date Set!

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 23:29:47 -0800

Hi Friends,

My daughter Kristin's show, "The Ringleader," has had a date change. It has been scheduled to air as a Valentine's Special on Tuesday, FEB 14 - BRAVO at 7:00 pm! Please tune in and pass the word. She is beautiful, funny, smart, quirky-as-hell, and oh-so-talented...even beyond my maternal bias. Staying tuned in will bump the ratings, so if you hate it, please leave it on while you shower, shave, nap, go on safari, etc. I appreciate your support so very much.

Official Bravo Press Release Below:

“The Ring Leader" Premieres At 7pm ET/PT
New York – February 1, 2012 – Cupid’s arrow has struck Bravo Media as two loved themed specials airing on Valentine’s Day with “The Ring Leader” on Tuesday, February 14th at 7 pm ET/PT, followed by “The Millionaire Matchmaker Valentine's Day WWHL Special” at 10:00 pm ET/PT. For more information visit www.bravotv.com and follow us on Twitter at https://twitter.com/BravoPR.

“The Ring Leader” follows larger than life wedding planner, Kristin Banta, whose out-of-the-box style is revolutionizing the way couples look at their special day. As founder of Kristin Banta Events, she brings her wedding expertise to the forefront, making each and every one of her client’s weddings into a must see spectacular event. Whether hanging chandeliers from trees, setting up an art installation or mounting a 100 foot tall wedding cake, Banta’s weddings are anything but the norm. In this one-hour special, Banta plans the ultimate wedding for Sarah and Michael, high school classmates who reconnect after a number of years. Despite a life altering accident that left Michael paralyzed from the waist down in his teens, there is nothing that will stop this daring, adventurous couple from putting on a wedding that will be remembered forever. Banta has one shot to prove that she can make this couple’s wedding as unexpected and unforgettable as possible.

FOR YOU TECH SAAVY FRIENDS:
There is a #hashtag for the show on Twitter - #TheRingLeader - so by all means, feel free to Tweet about the show and let @KristinBanta know what you think! Also, if you want to send extra support, please tweet @BravoTV, @BravoAndy and @BravoPR.

Thank you for indulging her proud mama!!!

Look for my next Blooper Blog - returning this Friday!

"Bald touches" - Are Your Listing Remarks Missing by a Hair?

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 02:39:39 -0800

Yes, it's Friday, and the Blooper Scooper is back. When you see some of the gaffes I found this week, you may want to shave your own head in protest. Check out these hysterical faux pas, friends:

Please tell me it’s a joke…

“Park at Kim’s Wart” ( Uh, not so fast - is there a hair growing out of it?)

“Blow-up sale” (Did this occur before or after you blew up your career?)”

“Electriiciity now on” (My gut says you tested the outlets with a fork.)

“Key hidden under matt” (I can only imagine where Matt’s keyhole is…)

“Dont hasittate” (Don’t drink Nyquil.)

Please tell me you don’t live in L.A

“Here it is – a buyer’s dram” (There it goes – an agent’s six-pack.)

“A correction of statues” (Is that when someone paints little panties on their bare, marble arses?)

“Canceleed – agent suck” (Who ever said introspection is overrated?)

“Lush on gate” (Wait for it...yep, lush just hit floor.)

“Bring the city into your home” (Like when the LAPD choppers circle overhead with their spotlights frying all living creatures?)

Okay, then just tell me you’re an only child…

“Private and ga” (Uh, hello? Chest paddles, anyone? )

“Flos now finished” (You must be Flo…)

“Erotic plants” (Let me guess – they slither on poles?)

“Bald touches everywhere” (That’s what they say about Bruce Willis on coke.)

This week’s shocker:

“Presenting the Tajma Hall of Leases” (Presenting the idiot savant of all agents.)

That’s all until next week, folks. Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

ANNOUNCING SOMETHING EXCITING! - (DATE CHANGE)

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 16:14:30 -0800

Hi Dear Friends - For all of my kind supporters, please note that the date for my daughter's premiere (see original blog below) has been changed; THE RINGLEADER - BRAVO - FRIDAY FEB 10 - 9 or 10 pm. Please check schedule, as the time has not been confirmed - it will follow Millionaire Matchmaker. PLEASE TUNE IN AND BOOST THE RATINGS. Much gratitude from her proud mama.

KRISTIN BANTA IS "THE RINGLEADER"

Premieres Monday, February 27 at 10pm ET/PT on BRAVO

Follows larger than life wedding planner, KRISTIN BANTA, whose out-of-the-box style is revolutionizing the way couples look at their special day.

Hip, hysterical, and artistic beyond the limits of imagination.

Yes, friends, she's my darling daughter, so forgive a mother's pride...and please tune in. She's beautiful, hysterical, and soooo talented. No, none of it came from me - I just popped her out and raised her on martinis, the Stones, and John Irving. Okay, maybe it was I who was drinking the martinis. I can't remember due to the black-outs.

Thank you for indulging a proud mama!

I'LL BE BACK WITH BLOOPERS THIS FRIDAY!

"Fumbled marble" - Do Your Listing Remarks Reflect Your Life?

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 14:55:32 -0800

The year is rolling along at the speed of idiots! Check out these bloopers from the MLS and real estate ads, and I’m sure I’ll get no argument. Jane Peters of Los Angeles and Michael Jacobs of Pasadena both found some great bloopers this week. I suspect this year will be a wild ride, folks!

Fumble, Bumble and Stumble

“Fumbled marble adores baths” (Fumbled agent adores martinis.)

“Somother work to be done” (Say good-bye to the mother-in-law.)

“Formal dinging room” (Shag carpet, I presume?)

“Will maul your directly” (Said Sean Penn just before he took out two paparazzi.)

“Processing pee” (For those who wish to purchase a kidney…)

“This house has pizzas” (That explains the well-lit Domino’s sign on the roof.)

Biting the Dust Can Be Humiliating

“This is a crate house” (Then I suggest you climb inside and ship yourself to Crazytown.)

“Plaintain shutters on windows” (Monkeys crapping on window sills.)

“Submit to doc” (Not until he puts down that gigantic probe…)

“Certified insectors” (Certified by mosquitoes, I presume?)

“Sellers need two moths to close” (Perhaps the insectors can help you out there.)

“Studding colors” (Let me guess, Viagra blue?)

Maybe There’s An Afterlife

“Turn at boweling lane” (Is that what the probe is for?)

“Posts have cemen support” (Again with the Viagra!)

That's all until next Friday, folks. In the meantime - Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"Expel the best" - How to Blow a Career with MLS Bloopers

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 13:08:04 -0800

Something may have been rotten in the State of Denmark, but the MLS isn’t smelling much better. Check out these stinkers and clinkers from the MLS and other real estate ads if you’re in the mood for a few giggles:

Something Seems Amiss…

“One moth incentive” (Do you wave wool sweaters before their little eyes?)

“Come see a good hose” (All I see is a dumb hoser.)

“This yer special” (Aww, yer special, too… in a really slow kind of way.)

“Ice cram served” (That’s even too kinky for me…and I live in L.A.!)

“$10k bonus to close end” (Have you tried the “ice cram”? That oughta close your end!)

Now I’m really Confused

“Drawwing for fre tip” (Here’s a “fre tip”: Try removing your baseball mitt when you type.)

“Out with the old, usher in the mew” (Interesting - ice the old broad and then buy a cat?)

“Prussians can stay” (…So said the Germans, but how’s that workin’ out for ‘em now?)

“Dog hole will be fixed” (I believe it’s their protrusions that require alteration…)

“Turn R at chich” (…Got stoned with Chong?)

“Water dramage” (That’s what I said to the bartender when he put too much water in my scotch.)

“Too mush to desscribe” (That’s what I said when he bent over in his tight jeans.)

This Week’s Faves:

“Windy path” (You must be describing my Uncle Paddy’s boxer shorts.)

"Expel the best" (I believe that is an Irish farting game, no?)

“Invisible wall of gass” (That’s what we call my Uncle Paddy after a few beers and a sausage.)

That's all until next Friday, folks. In the meantime - Spell and Sell!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"THE RING LEADER" - Check This Out!

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 22:55:46 -0800

ANNOUNCING SOMETHING EXCITING!!!!

“The Ring Leader”

Premieres Monday, February 27 at 10pm ET/PT on BRAVO

Follows larger than life wedding planner, KRISTIN BANTA, whose out-of-the-box style is revolutionizing the way couples look at their special day.

Hip, hysterical, and artistic beyond the limits of imagination.

Thank you for indulging a proud mama!

I'LL BE BACK WITH BLOOPERS THIS FRIDAY!

"Ring hell" - Ringing in the Year with MLS Mayhem

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 13:21:45 -0800

Happy New Year, friends. This year is starting out with as much laughter as we ended with in 2011 when buyers flocked “like bees to hiney.” (Please see the 2011 Dufis Award in my last post.) The following bloopers will prove that nothing much has changed regarding MLS giggles and goofs. Check out these gaffes to start your year with some hearty laughs:

One Too Many

"Ring hell" (You mean New Jersey?)

“Mable on floor” (Apparently Mable is running a tab…)

“Start the year with a bung” (No thanks, I already divorced one of those.)

“Come for Thai launch” (I didn’t know a Thai could orbit.)

“Hind end electronics” (Does the seller’s arse lights up like a Christmas tree?)

“New canopee adds color” (I bet a can-o-pee would add warmth, too.)

“Serving crackers and drip” (That explains the can-o-pee.)

And, You’re Staggering…

“Choose custom pants” (I’ll take the ones wearing George Clooney.)

“Good property in desire area” (Let me guess - a one hour hotel just off Hollywood Blvd?)

“Temporary on hood” (That’s called a hit-and-run in L.A.)

“Happy new ear” (…Mumbled Van Gogh just before he sealed the envelope.)

“Nice view pint” (“View” pint? Methinks you’ve been chugging pints.)

“5bd/3ba mouse” (I suspect there were steroids involved…)

“For hose that want a great view” (Don’t most hose have a great view?)

“Fast appoval with no wit” (There’s no wit like a dim wit, nitwit.)

You’ll Never Recover From THIS!

“All cocs require wet signatures’ (Uh… I first heard that line from my high school boyfriend, pal. I believe he’s still in intensive care.)

Have a great year, friends, and look for more bloopers next Friday!

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

"Snort Sale" - The "Highs" and Lows of the MLS - 2011

Gwen Banta (Sotheby's International Realty) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 02:00:23 -0800

Well friends, this is my last blooper post of the year, and I still have not run out of material. I don’t know whether to thank these hapless agents or to flog them. At the very least, Perhaps I should commend them for sending us off into 2012 with a lot of laughter. Enjoy these bloopers, and have a Happy New Year everyone!

For Those With Hang-Ups

“Kitch with breakfast hook” (Heehaw - hook ‘em, book ‘em and cook ‘em!)

“Indescribable wildlift” (How are those diet pills workin’ out for ya, sweetie?)

“Bif gym fully equipped” (Who’s more fully equipped – Bif or the gym?)

“Brig bonus by New Year’s day” (Yay – a prison party – at last I’ll find a date!)

“Pets wilcome” (Ahhh, a veternarian’s Field of Dreams.)

From Those Who Should Be Hanged

"Snort Sale" - (Okay Scarface, that explains the teeth grinding)

“Christmas crab bag” (I think there’s an ointment for that.)

“Big troy drive” (Methinks this is an ancient Greek ad for a Trojan horse...)

“Nice entertainment arena” (Proudly offered by Ringling Brothers Realty.)

“Fully rehabilitated upper level” (Let me guess - ”Twelve Steps” to get there?)

“Breakfat room” (Lapband, anyone?)

“Come to holiday patty” (This is Hollywood, pal - if you pay Patty, she’ll come to you.)

“Enjoy the egg nod” (That explains why your keyboard is affixed to your forehead.)

Can You Hang Somebody Twice?

“Celebrity hose” (Who did they belong to – J. Edgar Hoover?)

“You’ll like dip in pool” (I will if he’s cute and buys me dinner…)

“Ned addition” (Is Ned the dip floating in the pool?)

“Hug play area” (Ned again?)

“Please ignore big hole in yard” (Should I also ignore the casket with the dead flowers?)

And The 2011 Dufis Award Goes To…

“Buyers will flock like bees to hiney” (Okay, let me first stop laughing long enough to pen a smart-mouth comment. …Oh hell, I can’t….this is killing me…seriously, this has me on the floor, folks. Okay, let’s try again: “Buyers will flock like bees to hiney.” I’m sorry, I just can’t top that one other than to say:

”They must know an ass when they see one!”

For more real estate humor, please visit Gwen at www.sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ or Agent Genius. For all your real estate needs, please go to www.LAhomesite.com.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FRIENDS!