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jokes: Funny Fridays, Enjoy! - 05/04/12 06:53 AM
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
Why don't aliens eat clowns.Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?A fsh
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?el-if-i-no
Two peanuts walk into a bar.One was a salted.
There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?The … (14 comments)
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jokes: Funny Fridays, Ellen Degeneres Quotes - 04/06/12 07:01 AM
Ellen Degeneres Quotes
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
People always ask me, … (12 comments)
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jokes: The Bagpiper - 04/04/12 06:25 AM
My mom forwarded this to me.....enjoy! As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were … (12 comments)
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jokes: Funny Fridays, Black Suit Or Blue Suit? - 03/16/12 06:35 AM
I was forwarded this email....thought I would share since it is Friday :-)
A man died and is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. The widow says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her … (17 comments)
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jokes: Funny Friday, The Miracle of Toilet Paper - 02/03/12 10:44 AM
I received this email from my Mom, so I thought it would be OK to share it :-) THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the … (24 comments)
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jokes: A Few Funny Fridays - 12/16/11 10:32 AM
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.
… (11 comments)
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jokes: Funny Friday's, An assortment - 12/09/11 10:53 AM
I thought these were kinda cute...enjoy the chuckles:
I was shopping at a grocery store, picking up cat food for a friend. Not having a cat myself, I asked the clerk if I would get the senior discount on the cat food. To this, he replied, "How old is the cat?"
A woman from the city stopped in at the small country store and asked the clerk behind the counter for some fresh meat. "I'm sorry, ma'am" the clerk said. "All we have that's fresh is cow tongue." The woman made a face. "Oh! I won't eat anything that … (22 comments)
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jokes: Wise Words - 12/05/11 10:16 AM
This was forwarded to me...thought some were pretty good :-)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
A bank is a place that will lend you money, provided you can prove you don't need it
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing … (18 comments)
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jokes: Funny Fridays, Two Blind Pilots - 11/18/11 10:14 AM
Two Blind Pilots
Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it … (13 comments)
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jokes: Funny....Priorities! - 11/14/11 10:08 AM
This was emailed to me... Funny how Priorities can Change:
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build … (21 comments)
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jokes: Funny Ads - 11/11/11 09:59 AM
Funny AdsBraille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.Wanted: Part-time married girls for … (17 comments)
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jokes: Funny Friday's, Dust To Dust - 11/04/11 10:55 AM
… (18 comments)
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jokes: Funny Friday's - 10/28/11 10:25 AM
One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass.""Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said."But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.""Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You … (21 comments)
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jokes: Funny Fridays - 10/21/11 09:45 AM
A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The … (22 comments)
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jokes: Funny Friday - 10/14/11 09:52 AM
A friend emailed this to me.... A doctor in Duluth Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, … (16 comments)
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jokes: Funny Friday by Kristin Johnston, Waukesha Cty WI Realtor, Remax, Buyer's Agent - 10/07/11 09:20 AM
A woman is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies.Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio."Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!"Ground control receive her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, Madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say.First, I need you to give me your height and position.""I'm 5"2' and sitting in the right front seat."Ground control: "Repeat after me:Our Father..... Which art in Heaven.... "
… (17 comments)
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jokes: Adult Truths! - 09/20/11 10:31 AM
This was emailed to me by a friend...pretty funny.
ADULT TRUTHS
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. … (19 comments)
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jokes: Funny Friday by Kristin Johnston, Waukesha Cty WI Realtor, Remax, Buyer Agent! - 09/16/11 09:36 AM
I came across this joke and thought it would be fitting for a Funny Friday:
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So they got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine!!
The little brats.
… (29 comments)
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jokes: Funny Friday, Church Fart! - 09/09/11 09:52 AM
My mom forwarded this to me.....he he!
"An elderly couple is attending a church service. About half way through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" The husband scribbles back,"Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
… (24 comments)
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jokes: Funny Friday! - 08/26/11 09:55 AM
This was emailed to me...women are so clever!
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with … (21 comments)
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Kristin Johnston,Waukesha County Realtor Buyers Agent,Waukesha Cty WI Real Estate
Waukesha,
WI
More about me…
Remax Realty Center 414-254-6647
Address: Waukesha Cty Buyers Agent,Real Estate Waukesha Cty,WI,Remax Realtor
Office Phone: (414) 254-6647
Cell Phone: (414) 254-6647
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