Fresh Squeezed Laraine

Hot Dog Heaven

Laraine Shape - Broker — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 06:21:30 -0500

In Melbourne, Florida we've got a few food landmarks that shouldn't be missed. One in particular is Mustard's Last Stand - the epitome of good hot doggery. It's a hoppin', boppin' little place that's been in business here since 1987.

Whenever my friend, Gwen, and I are feeling cranky over a particularly sucky real estate day, (or just because) we head over to Mustard's for a quick hot dog fix.

We start feeling better the minute our order hits the table, which is always less than 3 minutes after placing it. And delivered by a perky waitress with a genuine smile.

There are dozens of dogs to choose from, everything from the 'Eau Gallie' (melted Cheddar and fresh garlic) to the Downtown Dog (bacon, cheese, tomato and mayo) but my personal favorite is the chili, cheese and slaw dog.

And since hot dogs have a tendency to get lonely, you'll want to add some beer battered onion rings (deelish) to your order or, if you're mad at your hubby/wife/boss/dog go for the cheese and garlic fries. Mmmmmm!

The hot dogs are the real deal, made by the Vienna Beef Company in Chicago and the buns are soft, squishy pillows that cradle your delicious hot dog babies to the very last bite.

There are two locations to serve you. One at 1288 N. Harbor City Blvd., in Eau Gallie and one at 415 E. New Haven Ave., in Historic downtown Melbourne. Hours are Mon - Thursday 11:00-8:00, Fri - Saturday 11:00-9:00, Sunday 11:30-8:00

Oh, one more thing. I'm pretty sure that shoes, shirts and dentures are optional here. So, feel free to put your teeth in your pocket and enjoy your Kraut dog, Chicago dog, or chili, cheese and slaw dog!

Short Sale Slumgullion

Laraine Shape - Broker — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:59:14 -0500

Mmmm. This wine is so good.

It's Menage a Trois - California White Wine - vintage 2007. "A delightful blend based on three varietals - Moscat, Chardonnay and Chenin Blanc."

"Discover the enticement of our Menage a Trois. Expand your horizon with this stunning delectable wine. Soft floral aromas and gentle caressing fruit flavors leave you wishing for more." Wal-Mart $9.97. Yum.

Today was a my first WaMu short sale closing - the one that inspired my "Dumpster Diver Discovers Lost Short Sale Files" blog. It went under contract February 12, 2009. Today is June 25th, 2009. That's 5 months according to my math. It's been a long haul, but suddenly I don't hate WaMu so much, in spite of the fact that the file had to be submitted no less than 9 times (really).

It's finally over. Papers are signed and everybody's happy. The buyers were nice (flew in from New York) and the buyer's agent was very pretty. She had dark hair. I hadn't seen her until today and expected her to be blond for some reason. Happy, happy, joy, joy!

I vote for a bottle of Menage a Trois and some comfort food - namely Slumgullion and big, fat cupcakes with lemon icing!

What's slumgullion? It's kind of like a homemade (good) version of Hamburger Helper. It's delicious, comforting and can be made with stuff that's probably already in your pantry (except for the ground meat). My dad used to make it when I was a kid. Said he was going to "whomp up a batch of slumgullion." Back then, I thought it was gross.

I found the recipe for the lemon icing in a recent 'Woman's World' magazine. I put it on some white cupcakes I pulled out of the freezer earlier in the day. Deelish!

Next time you've got the blues, have some chilled Menage a Trois and make yourself some slumgullion and white cupcakes with lemon icing. The world will suddenly seem much brighter.

SLUMGULLION

2 tablespoons Extra Virgin oil + 1 tablespoon butter
1 medium yellow onion, minced
2 stalks celery, minced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 lb ground beef (I used ground round)
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon dried basil
1 Tablespoon sugar
fresh ground pepper to taste
pinch sea salt
1 (14.5 oz) can diced tomatoes
1 (14.5 oz) can tomato sauce
1/2 can tomato paste
2 cups macaroni - cooked according to package directions & drained
(I used a combination of spiral and twists)

1) Heat the olive oil and butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the onion and celery. Saute for about 5 minutes. Add garlic and cook for another minute. Then add the ground beef and continue to cook until meat is no longer pink (about 5-7 minutes). Sprinkle the seasonings and sugar over the meat and mix in well.

2) Add the canned tomatoes, tomato paste and tomato sauce. Simmer for 5 minutes.

3) Mix in the drained pasta.

4) Serve hot - sprinkle with fresh, grated cheese if desired.

LEMON CUPCAKE ICING

2 sticks softened butter
1 3 oz box lemon Jell-O
3 tablespoons boiling water
1 box confectioners sugar
pinch salt

1) Dissolve the Jell-O in 3 tablespoons boiling water. Allow to cool for 5 minutes

2) Beat butter. salt and confectioners sugar until smooth and fluffy. Add cooled Jell-O mixture and continue beating until blended.

3) Frost up a storm!

Being A Home Seller Sucks Worse Than Being A REALTOR(R)!

Laraine Shape - Broker — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 05:58:52 -0500

Being a home seller sucks worse than being a REALTOR(R). I should know. I'm both of them. Been wearing the seller shoes since the end of April.

But unlike most sellers, I do everything my REALTOR(R) tells me and always practice what I preach. Right? Wrong! Can you spell "do as I say, not as I do"?

No For Sale sign in the yard (don't want the nosy neighbors to know. I'm sure they won't notice herds of people spilling out of magnetic-signed real estate cars)

No lockbox (don't want people snooping around in the house when I'm not there)

No "get out of Dodge" when buyers come to look (I'll just stay out on the porch - they might have questions)

I do, however, perform the pre-showing interrogation well.

"Do your buyers have a current pre-approval letter or proof of funds?"

"They're from out of town? Are they planning to make a purchase decision while they're here or are they just starting to look? Are they buyers or tire kickers"?

"Do they have a home to sell? Is it under contract? Do you have a copy of the contract on their home? Why are they moving to Florida? What's their astrological sign"?

And, in my defense, I always do the 1 hour Power Clean drill before a showing.

Dust, alcohol spritz the mirrors, remove everything from kitchen counters, hide all evidence of human life, hide all evidence of pet life, toilet lids down, fresh bars of soap out, fresh towels out, empty wastebaskets, turn lights on, open blinds, arrange and light candles, arrange cookies on antique cake pedestal, vacuum, take another spin through the house, put lid back down after hubby uses toilet, anxiously await the arrival of buyers.

So what's the part that sucks, you ask? REALTORS(R) who fail to communicate and can't return a phone call! Of all the things REALTORS(R) suck at, this is the worst.

We had a second showing yesterday with out-of-town buyers. They stayed for almost an hour. Ate cookies, drank ice water, complimented us on how nice everything was, rang every buying signal bell possible and just shy of asking us point blank what we'd take for the house, appeared to be serious players. They even asked about ceiling fans, window coverings, appliances etc.

Afterwards, we anxiously awaited a call from the agent to let us know which way they were going to jump. Were they going to ask for our hand in marriage or choose someone else? No call.

Okay, so they'll call today. 9:00 am came and went. No call. I called and left the REALTOR(R) a voice mail to please call me. Lunch time came and went. No call. Dinner time came and went. No call. Pretty soon it'll be time for bed.

No call. No email. Zip. Nada.

Now I appreciate the fact that it's Father's Day and also Sunday. But a quick courtesy call or email would have been so easy and painless. Let me know something. Even if it's bad news. Don't just leave me hanging!

Is it just me? Or is NO COMMUNICATION the biggest reason it sucks to be a seller and THE biggest reason people think REALTORS(R) suck?

Broker Jailed Over FSBO Confrontation

Laraine Shape - Broker — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 19:47:08 -0500

Melbourne, Florida- A Brevard County real estate broker has been jailed for 30 days after organizing a neighborhood "flip off" this past Sunday that resulted in property damage, a lost toupee and a broken set of dentures in the gated community of Sunny Pines Estates.

The broker, Helen Cranktank, is known among her associates as the ‘House Hag.'

Sources say the flip off was organized against Toots and Elmer Fartswell, an elderly ‘For Sale By Owner' couple, after they ‘kidnapped' buyers that Ms. Cranktank felt rightfully belonged to her company.

A witness involved in the melee said that Mr. and Mrs. Fartwell had been trying, unsuccessfully, to sell their house for 3 years. After spying what appeared to be qualified buyers going into the House Hag's listing for a second showing, the Fartwell's sharpened their hooks and waited for the right moment to grab their prey.

"And sure enough," according to the witness, "as soon as the Realtor's® car pulled away, Mr. Fartwell was on those buyers like stink on you-know-what. He hightailed it across the street and told them about his FSBO and what a great deal it was. An hour later the buyers left with a contract in hand. "

Upon hearing the news, Ms. Cranktank went into a rage, contacted every homeowner in the community and organized a ‘Fartwell Flip Off' which was to be followed by a free cocktail party and BBQ at the Sunny Pines club house.

But according to one witness, the Fartwell Flip Off went from a 'beautifully synchronized gesture' into a neighborhood brawl.

"Mr. Goober's Pekinese hocked up something really gross on Mrs. Webber's freshly power-washed driveway and one thing led to another. Before you know it, people were calling each other names, throwing eggs at each other, kicking, pulling hair and tearing out flower beds."

"We still haven't found Stan Paxil's toupee and probably never will. Someone thought they saw Ms. Cranktank throw it down the sewer drain."

When Bad Blogs Happen To Good People

Laraine Shape - Broker — Thu, 21 May 2009 17:49:55 -0500

Dear Good Guy from New York,

Remember when I was brand new to blogging? When I didn't know my Active Rain Associates from a hole in the blog?

Remember when you wrote and asked me for help on how to improve the "hit count" on your blogs? And I wasn't very helpful because I was still so new? And still in shock over the fact that people were actually reading and commenting on the crap I wrote?

Well, I haven't forgotten you. I hope you'll forgive me for not writing back sooner. But here I am and I hope this letter finds you well - even though it appears you gave up your quest of becoming an active blogger.

When you asked for my help, back in November of 2008, I suggested that you write about your passion. The thing you enjoy, the thing that is most real to you and is honestly "yours."

We never saw or heard from you again. That's sad. It makes me feel guilty. Maybe if I had given you a better answer you'd still be with us, rocking our world with your blogs. The truth is, I'm still haunted by the fact that I didn't take the time to get you fired up and back into the blogging game here on Active Rain.

So, here we go. I hope you're still out there and I hope there's still a flicker of "I want to write, dammit!" in you. Go get your blogging shoes on and let's boogy! Here's my revised answer to your plea for help.

Ditch the boring, "industry info" crap you were regurgitating from your company news feed. It sucked. No one comes to Active Rain for boring. And no one will bother commenting on it, no matter how cute you are or how much people like you. We get enough of "boring" in the office, from our clients and on TV.

Tell us, in your own words, who you are and what you LOVE, LOVE, LOVE and what you HATE, HATE, HATE. What pisses you off about your customers? What did that lady have on who came to your office to bitch about the price of her home-owner's policy? Did she have alcohol on her breath? Was her hair dyed? Did her husband have a glass eye?

And what about the booger-eating dork who insists that monthly reports be submitted on time, or else? Is he left handed? Does he stutter? Does he wear a bra under his shirt and tie? Is he married to the boss?

Tell us the juicy stuff! And tell us from your heart. We don't care if your grammar is perfect or if you misspell your words. Well, okay there is one guy here who cares....but trust me, if he ever misspells a word on Active Rain he's gonna hear about it from a thousand people.

Please come back and dance with us in the rain. We miss you! And thanks for waiting so patiently for the real answer to your question.

Sincerely,
Laraine Shape

Dumpster Diver Discovers "Lost" Short Sale Files

Laraine Shape - Broker — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 06:42:40 -0500

Jacksonville, Florida- Daniel "Dino" Odum, part-time Ferris Wheel operator, flea market vendor and former Realtor® loves to hunt for dumpster treasure. This past Friday was no exception.

While walking past what appeared to be a stuffed-to-capacity dumpster at the Bay Meadows Washington Mutual building, Odum caught the glint of something "shiny" out of the corner of his eye and decided to investigate.

As Odum approached the dumpster and slipped on his leather elbow protectors, in preparation for a quick dive, he spotted what appeared to be a "gently used" tackle box. A "real find" in flea market circles. But as Odum got closer and flipped back the rubber lid, he was shocked by what he found inside.

Familiar with real estate documents from his year in the business (2005), Odum found what appeared to be hundreds of thousands of fax cover sheets from Realtors®, third party authorization forms, hardship letters, bank statements, short sale addendums, purchase offers, listing agreements, family photos, losing lotto tickets and copies of Psychic Hot Line bills.

Odum immediately contacted authorities and tipped off Eyewitness News to the situation, with a request that he be allowed to keep the tackle box if it wasn't going to be used as evidence.

When authorities arrived at the scene, they found WaMu employees flinging files out of a second story window directly into the overflowing dumpster. Loud music, hysterical laughter, and 'high-five' hand slapping could be heard from the parking lot.

According to investigators, the files Odum discovered are the "lost" short sale files Realtors® have been submitting to WaMu since their takeover by Chase in late 2008. Some of the files have been submitted repeatedly, often as many as 10 different times to different fax numbers and/or locations.

The director of WaMu's loss mitigation department was unavailable for comment, but sources claim he is a former Active Rain member who was permanently banned for comment spam and continual violation of AR's guidelines.

Disclaimer: This "News Item" was written by Ralph the real estate dog. It is a work of (comic relief) fiction. Only the photo is real. Any resemblance between the characters, persons or Realtors® is purely coincidental. Photo GNU Free Documentation License, through Wikimedia.

Bank Of America Announces "Drive Through" Short Sale Service

Laraine Shape - Broker — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 08:59:32 -0500

Melbourne, Florida - In an effort to prevent a massive bank run by depositors and improve customer relations, Bank of America is now offering a "drive through" short sale service complete with complimentary Starbucks coffee and baked goods.

The move came on the heels of a public uproar after Bank of America sent a credit card rate hike letter to millions of their customers. According to undisclosed sources, even bank employees got the unpopular letter.

So far, the new short sale service has proven to be hugely successful and promises to ease at least some of the bitter animosity caused by the rate increase.

The new "concierge" service allows realtors to submit completed short sale packages at the drive through window and get an immediate approval or counter offer, a firm closing date and a 6% commission guarantee - even if the transaction is a "double dip" (meaning the agent both listed and sold the property).

And while waiting less than 10 minutes for their file to be reviewed and approved, short sale customers are treated to complimentary coffee, flavored lattes and delicious baked goods by attractive car hops on roller skates.

Millie Corn, a realtor with Buy Brevard, Inc. was quoted as saying, "This drive through idea is wonderful! No more snotty loss mitigators to deal with. The drive through tellers are friendly, polite and very helpful. One even helped me complete a hardship letter I had forgotten! And I love the blueberry muffin I got with my mocha latte. Yum! I'm going to try the lemon pound cake with my next short sale"

Bob Horndrip, a realtor with BlueSky Realty said, "it's about time these morons got their act together on short sales. Before they opened the drive through, Bank of America was taking as long as 3 months just to tell you they had received the package. Then they'd take another 3 months dodging calls, losing faxes and shuffling staff. And don't get me started on the crap I've had to deal with from Countrywide!"

According to Rodney Flabbergum, spokesperson for Bank of America, the drive through short sale service with Starbucks is a pilot program being tested in 12 major metropolitan markets. "If it works, which it seems to be doing, we'll open it at all Bank of America locations. Going forward, we may even add a complimentary car wash service."

Photo by Coolcaesar, GNU Free Documentation License, through Wikimedia.

Disclaimer: This "News Item" was written by Ralph the real estate dog. It is a work of (comic relief) fiction. Only the photo is real. Any resemblance between the characters, persons or Realtors® is purely coincidental.

Bank Of America Can Just Kiss My Ass!

Laraine Shape - Broker — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 20:43:35 -0500

As far as I'm concerned, Bank of America can just kiss my ass! Listen to this letter I got from them yesterday.

Dear (House Hag),

At Bank Of America, we are committed to providing you with clear, timely information you can use to make decisions about your credit card account (please bend over so we can shove another rate hike up your old kazoo)

Please read this information carefully. (you might also want to keep your heart medication nearby because we can feel a spontaneous aneurism or stroke gurgling up through the old pipes as we speak)

The following changes serve as Amendments to your Credit Card Agreement. (and in this case, please understand that the "Agreement" is unilateral and has nothing to do with what YOU want)) To help make them as clear as possible, we have included a summary ("What Is Happening") directly above each Amendment. (Kind of like what your proctologist does while he's snapping on his rubber gloves and discussing the "procedures" he's about to perform)

Annual Percentage Rate: We are raising Annual Percentage Rate(s) on your account. (If you don't like it, tough shit) You have the right to reject this increase. Instructions on how you can reject this increase and pay off your balance at the old rate are included in the enclosed Amendment. (Pay up or shut up. We don't give a rat's ass how long you've been a customer of ours or how high your credit score is)
Transaction Fee: We are adding or increasing certain transaction fees associated with your account.(Hold still now, honey...this'll only hurt for a minute.)
Foreign Transaction Fee: The definition of what constitutes a "Foreign Transaction" is being expanded (to include every monetary transaction imaginable on planet earth)

We are also changing the following benefits and/or rewards associated with your account (please see the enclosed disclosures for complete details:

WorldPoints Rewards: We are modifying one or more of the redemption options. (Your WorldPoint Rewards for spending $18,000 on your credit card will now be worth LESS than the prize your kids get in their cereal boxes, as opposed to THE SAME AS)

Bla, bla, bla.

PS - And please be advised that Bank Of America is currently 6-8 weeks behind on responding to short sale requests from real estate agents like yourself. If you have not already done so, please re-fax the completed short sale package to 866-599-6666, even if you have already sent it 14 times to 8 or more fax numbers and/or mail drops. We will contact you when we get good and god damned ready. DO NOT attempt to contact our loan mitigation department directly. Don't call us, we'll call you.

THIS ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN BY THE HOUSE HAG - UNCENSORED & IN THE RAW!

Shake Your Booty

Laraine Shape - Broker — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 09:37:21 -0500

I don't know about you, but I've always loved to dance. It's high on my list of favorite things. I also love to watch good dance movies. Don't tell anyone, but I think I've seen Dirty Dancing no less than 25 times.

Watching people dance (or ice skate) in unison always gives me goose bumps and makes me feel good all the way down to my toes.

I also love to start the week off with something fun on Monday morning, don't you? And what could be more fun than seeing an entire train station of people break into spontaneous dance?

Have you seen the YouTube video where they do just that? A friend of mine made my day by sending me the link to the T-Mobile dance commercial called "Life's About sharing" (filmed in Liverpool). You may have already seen it and, if so, forgive me. If not, start your week off with something fun. Tune in and shake, shake, shake your booty!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ3d3KigPQM

Walk-ins Welcome!

Laraine Shape - Broker — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 14:55:23 -0600

Palm Bay, Florida - When it comes to work, Wanda Spradleg knows how to multi-task. According to close friends, Wanda has been known to "cook a pot roast, clip coupons, mix up perm solution, pull hair through a frosting cap, bake a batch of cookies, set up showing appointments, call agents for feedback and trim her husband's toenails all at the same time."

So when the Florida real estate market hit the skids, it was no surprise to Spradleg's associates at Tropical Breezes Realty that she would figure out a way to make the most of her weekend open houses.

Spradleg, licensed real estate agent, beautician and dog groomer has really felt the pinch of a stagnant economy in Brevard County. She hasn't been able to afford Bingo for over two years and can barely keep up with the payments on her micro fiber living room set and big screen TV.

Not one to give up easily, Spradleg decided to hold "Walk-Ins Welcome" open houses and offer attendees deep discounts on salon services such as perms, hair cuts and pedicures to increase her open house traffic and cash flow at the same time.

"Hey, I might as well do something other than sit there and watch my Sam's Choice vanilla sandwich cookies go stale, right?" "I'm already dragging open house signs and balloons around. Might as well drag a few hair dryers, too. Am I right?"

Sources at the local Board of REALTORS® were busy planning their annual Valentine's Day "We Love (heart) Brevard Brokers" tea and promised to "look into the matter" when asked about the liability issues associated with Ms. Spradleg's cosmetology services.

Disclaimer: This "News Item" was written by Ralph the real estate dog. It is a work of (comic relief) fiction. Only the MLS photo is real. Any resemblance between the characters, persons or Realtors® is purely coincidental.

Ralph's Top Ten Home Showing Tips

Laraine Shape - Broker — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 13:04:02 -0600

1. First Impression: Remember, you only have one chance to make a good first impression. Why not splurge on a new fire hydrant for the front porch. It's sure to say "Welcome - Mi Casa Es Su Casa." Once your guests are inside the front door, greet them with a pile of shoes, sneakers and dirty socks. What better way to set mood for buying than with a fragrant potpourri of foot odor?

2. Clutter: Buyers love to explore and discover, so be sure to keep them interested with plenty of crap! Pile up tons of books, magazines, TV trays, sticks, dirty underwear, Cabbage Patch dolls, flea market finds, hamster cages, empty pizza boxes and Coke cans, ripped sofa cushions, fake greenery, plastic flowers, half-eaten grilled cheese sandwiches and Easter baskets. Let your imagination run wild!

3. Kitchens: Let's face it folks, kitchens sell homes. Leave as many dirty dishes as possible and forget what you've heard about emptying the trash. The fastest way to a buyer's check book is through an overflowing garbage can! And by all means, leave some snacks. Buyers love to nibble on kibble while admiring your ripped and torn porch screens.

4. Odors. Odd and disgusting odors can often be a seller's best friend. Buyers love to discover them in furniture, closets, draperies, bedspreads, closets and carpeting. Ditch the Febreze and try to keep the olfactory ambiance fresh and alive while your home is on the market. Let them sniff!

5. Housekeeping: A clean house is a nervous house. Relax! Leave the carpet stains alone and let the buyers mark their territory and find their way through the clutter. It helps give them a sense of ownership. Think of it as an adventure in "discovery."

6. Bedrooms: Give your bedrooms a ‘lived in' feel. Leave the beds in an unmade heap, laundry baskets overflowing and closet doors off track. The master suite should give buyers an opportunity to relax, lick, dig, itch and scratch without interruption. If you have a dresser, leave a few drawers hanging open for interest.

7. Bathrooms: Next to kitchens, bathrooms are the most important rooms in the house. Make yours a blue ribbon winner by permanently removing the toilet seat! If that's not possible, always leave the seat up when buyers are coming to look. They're bound to be thirsty after a long day of looking at homes. And don't forget to remove flea shampoo bottles, sprayer attachments, clippers and all reminders of BATH TIME.

8. Stay Away: Try to stay away when your home is being shown. Buyers won't take the time to jump in laundry baskets, drink out of the toilet, hop up on tables or envision the home as their own if you're present. Sellers create an uncomfortable, "stop-looking-at-me!" fish bowl effect.

9. Pets: Remove all leashes, gates, kennels, rolled up newspapers, obedience spray bottles and other ‘les instruments de torture.'

10. Color and Décor: Forget what you've heard about staging! All the hoopla about neutralizing wall color and making things attractive is pretty much a waste of time. Most buyers are color blind anyway, so don't worry about it. Spend your time and energy creating new, revolting stains and odors.

Good luck and happy home selling!

Open House Turns Grisly

Laraine Shape - Broker — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 17:39:29 -0600

Warning: This article may contain material of a violent or graphic nature.

West Melbourne, Florida -The dog problem at Buzz Wilson's 1742 Azalea St. listing has been resolved, but the legal problem replacing it may cost Mr. Wilson his real estate license.

Wilson, broker for Fun Shine Realty Inc., was arrested Sunday on charges of animal cruelty and resisting arrest while urinating in public.

According to neighbors, Wilson appeared at the Azalea home at 12:00 pm, after placing open house signs and balloons at strategic intersections near the neighborhood. The sellers of the home, Bobby and Raylene Platt, were out of town for the day.

According to neighbors, Wilson got out of his car with a fist full of flyers, fixed his dangling "For Sale" sign, which had come loose from an 'S' hook, then proceeded up the Platt's cracked and stained sidewalk to the front door.

While trying his key in the front door, neighbors reportedly heard Wilson shouting obscenities at the two barking Platt dogs who, according to a source at Fun Shine Realty, "bark like banshees 24/7."

Neighbors claim the dogs continued to bark until about 1:00 pm, at which time things got "eerily silent." According to sources, no one showed up for the Open House and Wilson was seen locking up the house around 4:00 pm.

The Platt's returned home at approximately 7:30 pm and shortly thereafter Mrs. Platt was seen running out of the house in her flowered housecoat screaming "they stuffed my babies, they stuffed my babies, oh my god they stuffed my babies!"

Investigators allege that Mr. Wilson killed the Platt dogs with Mrs. Platt's largest Ginsu knife (guaranteed for life and known as the ‘Sharpest Knife on the Market‘), cut their heads off with a meat saw Mr. Platt keeps on the kitchen counter during deer season, sewed their lips back with a curved upholstery needle into a grisly, toothy ‘grin' and proceeded to mount the heads on the living room wall, directly above the television.

Wilson was quoted as saying "The dogs actually enhance the decor in that dump. I don't know what the big deal is. At least they died with a smile on their face."

(Note: This article is dedicated to Mike Saunders (Keller Williams Realty - Greater Athens) who helped inspire this story. Thanks, Mike for unblocking my writer's block!)

La-Z-Boy Recliner Shot Dead By Local Realtor

Laraine Shape - Broker — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 19:10:07 -0600

Palm Bay, Florida- Margaret Fleeger has no idea when she'll see her next commission check, but when she does, part of it will be spent on a new La-Z-Boy recliner for Larry and Ronda LaRue.

What started out as Ms. Fleeger's last listing presentation of 2008, turned into what neighbors close to the LaRue's are describing as "The shoot out at La-Z-Boy Corral."

Sources claim the realtor became agitated after Mr. LaRue refused to sit at the table and participate in the listing presentation where she was discussing current market conditions, comparable home sales, and home staging suggestions. LaRue wanted to stay in the living room so he could watch his favorite TV program.

According to Fleeger, she was invited to the LaRue home by Ronda who seemed very anxious to sell. "Ronda was just as sweet as she could be," said Fleeger. "She offered me coffee and listened intently to my presentation while ‘La-Z-Boy-Larry' watched Bay Watch reruns, drank beer, and passed gas."

"He told me to go ahead with my presentation and that he could hear everything ‘just fine' from the living room," Fleeger added.

"He was so rude and disgusting that I finally just snapped. I couldn‘t take one more of his revolting beer burps or stupid comments about ‘not taking a nickel less than $175,000' for a house that's worth $89,000 on its best day.

"What finally pushed me over the edge," Fleeger continued, "was ‘La-Z-Boy's' statement that realtors make too much money and that people could kiss "his royal ass" if they thought he was going to rearrange furniture or move his recliner to a storage facility while the house was on the market"

According to police reports, Ms. Fleeger calmly pulled a .357 Magnum out of her briefcase, ordered LaRue out of the La-Z-Boy and proceeded to empty 7 rounds into the chair and one 'grand finale' round into Pamela Anderson's fanny on the big screen TV.

Charges for property damage and firing a weapon inside city limits are pending.

Free Toaster Fails To Attract Home Buyer

Laraine Shape - Broker — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 10:44:02 -0600

Palm Bay, Florida - Like thousands of other Brevard County residents, Missy Clamp's home is for sale and she's made every possible effort to beautify the home and make it 'sparkle' for potential buyers.

She even went so far as to put out a plate of crackers and Cheese Whiz for her last "open house," hoping the treats would make people feel at home and want to write an offer.

But the home she and her husband Rod put on the market 2 years ago still hasn't had any serious interest. "We even reduced our price several hundred dollars," Missy said.

She and Rod were sure their latest marketing ploy would result in multiple offers. But their "free toaster at closing" giveaway failed to attract any interest.

"I can't believe nobody jumped on that free toaster," Missy mused. "It's never even been used! Maybe it's because of Christmas and all. People might be afraid they're going to get one and don‘t want to risk getting stuck with two of them."

The Clamps are anxious to sell their Palm Bay home so they can move back to Akron, Ohio where Rod left a lawnmower repair business he owned with his half brother, Edward.

According to Missy, "the lawnmower repair business down here in Florida hasn't been what we'd hoped it would be. Rod ain't had but two jobs this whole year. We need to move back in with Rod's mom and dad until the economy picks up again."

Missy went on to say "I done everything them home selling TV shows said to do. I made the master bedroom look real romantic, took some of the aluminum foil off the windows and even tried that fung shay stuff. Plus, Rod buried a statue of Dale Ernhardt upside down in the front yard."

"I keep the toilets flushed, empty the ashtrays, run the sweeper every couple of months, empty the kitty litter box when I think about it, spray Glade air freshener around, try not to smoke in every room and keep all the dogs in one bedroom when buyers come to look. Nothing I do seems to work."

"It looks like we might have to reduce our asking price another few hundred dollars to attract some interest. What else can we do?"

Sleepwalker Performs Makeover During Deep Sleep

Laraine Shape - Broker — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 10:35:58 -0600

Melbourne, Florida- Greg Danhepper suffers from a rare form of Somnambulism, the medical term for sleepwalking. The form Greg has is unusual in that it causes a person to perform common, every day tasks they wouldn't ordinarily perform while awake.

Greg's wife, Meg, has been wanting a purple master bedroom her entire married life. She even went so far as to purchase paint for the project.

But, according to Meg, "Greg has hated the color purple ever since he was ten. He threatened to divorce me if I painted our bedroom that color."

"It all started when he got caught sneaking into his grandmother's liquor cabinet one weekend. For punishment, she made him drink an entire bottle of Maneschevitz wine. He barfed up so much 'purple' he hasn't been able to look at the color since then."

That all seemed to magically change this past Tuesday when Meg woke up to a purple faux painted bedroom. When she asked Greg if the makeover was her surprise anniversary present, Greg muttered, "Huh? What are you talking about?"

According to Meg, once Greg was fully awake and saw the new wall color he started to retch and ran to the adjoining bathroom.

But Meg couldn't be happier. "I've always loved the color purple. It makes me feel all royal and queen-like. Plus it reminds me of that yummy birthday cake icing they use at Wal-Mart. I think it gives the room a gay, party kind of feel. Don't you?"

Greg, on the other hand, says there is no way he can live with the color. "Every time I go in there I get dizzy and feel like I'm going to lose my lunch. I may have to move into the guest room."

Show Me The Pizza!

Laraine Shape - Broker — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 10:53:09 -0600

About once a month, Ralph and I make sausage pizza from scratch. It's his favorite day of the month - next to T-Bone Tuesday. Here are some scratch pizza secrets we learned along the way:

1. A good pan makes a world of difference. We found one at Wal-Mart that's just about the best one we've ever used. It's a heavy duty, non stick, 16-incher that produces a nice big pizza with a perfect crust.

2. We use Bob's Red Mill Organic unbleached flour and pizza crust recipe Bob's Red Mill - increase sugar to about 3 teaspoons. If you've got a heavy-duty electric stand mixer with dough hook, use that. Ralph and I use ¾ of the dough to make one big pizza - instead of using 1/2 to make 2 smaller ones, like it calls for in the recipe. We make a couple of breadsticks or rolls with the leftover dough and freeze them for later.

3. Get a can of pre-made pizza sauce (We like Muir Glen Organic Pizza Sauce) or make your own by combining 1 small can of tomato sauce with 1 can of tomato paste. Doll up the sauce with 3 teaspoons sugar, 2 or 3 cloves of finely minced garlic (Ralph LOVES garlic) and about 1 teaspoon dried oregano. Heat the sauce for a few minutes to bring out the flavors.

4. Gently push dough out over the whole pan (working it from the middle out to the edges work best for us).

5. Spread sauce on crust (use as much or as little as you like...we always have some left), sprinkle with more oregano, several shakes of Parmesan Cheese, then add your favorite toppings and finish with Mozzarella cheese. Ralph and I like to use 1 tube of the Jimmy Dean's Italian sausage (cooked and drained), sliced sweet onions, sliced green peppers, a small can of sliced black olives and then we top it all off with a 1 lb bag of Sargento's Mozzarella/Provolone Shredded Cheese blend.

6. Bake in a preheated 400º degree oven for 15-20 minutes. Remove from oven, slice with a pizza wheel and PUG PIG OUT! Oh man, this is sooooo good.

Home Stager Sued for Wrongful Decor

Laraine Shape - Broker — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 09:31:54 -0600

Cocoa Beach, Florida - The owners of a home in Crestview Estates filed suit this week against home stager Clarissa Winston-Fairview and her employer, Interiors By Design, for wrongful décor and negligence.

Plaintiffs, Connie and Lonnie Bray, claim in their lawsuit that Winston-Fairview wrongfully caused "beloved possessions and historically important collectibles" to be removed from the couple's home in preparation for its listing and sale. The lawsuit asks for $5 million and other damages.

The possessions allegedly removed by Winston-Fairview include "85 Avon bottles, 10-20 stuffed animals, assorted silk greenery, numerous silk floral arrangements, 2 hand-crocheted toilet cozies, 1 Elvis on velvet painting, a mini trampoline, a full set of Billy Ray Cyrus CD's, several pink plastic flamingos, 8 boxes of National Geographic magazines, matching Nascar lamps, miscellaneous "collectible" hotel ash trays from Las Vegas and a decorative Jim Beam bottle that had never been cracked open."

According to Ms. Bray, the wholesale removal of her beloved objects and Winston-Fairview's continual reference to the objects as "sale-killing-clutter" caused her to suffer spontaneous hysteria, a possible aneurysm and the discovery of a pet parakeet that had been dead in its cage for nearly 4 years.

"Seeing my little "Tweetie Pie" like that was just awful. It made me have a real bad case of diarrhea for over 3 weeks. My insides still ain't right. Plus I think I might have an aneurysm. And poor Lonnie hasn't been able to eat chicken since the day we found him. We're both going to be scarred for life.

The negligence charges stem from the allegation that Winston-Fairview suggested a new (more neutral) paint color scheme and the removal of wallpaper that Ms. Bray had allegedly spent years applying after seeing it used in a 1968 Good Housekeeping Magazine.

Benjamin Latimer-Lewis, owner of Interiors By Design, said in a statement that he's sorry about Ms. Bray's diarrhea and that his prayers go out to the family for the untimely discovery of their beloved "Tweetie Pie."

Homeowners Held Hostage By "Magic" Vacuum

Laraine Shape - Broker — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 12:59:02 -0600

Melbourne, Florida- Herb and Lucille VanCamp are beginning to wonder if they'll ever be able to move out of their Lake Washington home. After two years of trying to sell, they feel like they've had the life sucked out of them, literally.

According to Herb, their problems began back in 2003 when they purchased what they thought was their 'dream home.' "The people we bought the house from left a lot of stuff here, including a real nice blue vacuum cleaner. We were thankful at the time because we practically spent our last nickel getting in here."

"But right after we moved in, weird things started happening." Herb said. "One night we was just sitting here watching TV when that dag-gummed vacuum cleaner walked itself out of the closet and started vacuuming the floors all by itself.

"Our dog, Buddy, about came unglued. He barked at that thing until he was blue in the face, no pun intended. I looked at Lucille and said, am I seeing things or is that vacuum pushing itself around the living room?"

"It was right then and there that she named it her "magic" vacuum cleaner. Lucille felt like she was the luckiest little gal in the world. Like "Queen For A Day." And from that day forward we had the cleanest floors in town. That dang thing would turn itself on, clean the floors and go back to its closet every single day."

"But when we put the house up for sale, things started to get a little ugly," Lucille mused. "People would come to look at the house and my magic vacuum wouldn't stay in the closet where she belonged. She would come out and stare at people, almost as if she was daring them to buy the house. We even tried to lock her in the closet. But that didn't work. Somehow she managed to get out, every time."

The VanCamps aren't sure what they're going to do. They've had no offers in spite of several price reductions. "I guess people are turned off by my magic vacuum." Lucille said.

Disclaimer: This "News Item" is a work of (comic relief) fiction written by Ralph the real estate dog. Only the MLS photo is real. Any resemblance between the characters, persons or Realtors® is purely coincidental.

Gothic Decor Gives New Meaning To "Dead" Real Estate Market

Laraine Shape - Broker — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 12:15:38 -0600

Palm Bay, Florida - According to Dylan and Moonbeam Becker, the real estate market is "deader than a doornail" and they couldn't be happier. So, in celebration they decided to give their home the gothic makeover it deserves. "We just love it," gushed Moonbeam. "It's like, totally black and depressing."

"Before the makeover it was all like, light and bright and open. I hate that look. How can people eat, sleep or hang upside down in a place like that?"

"It was totally creeping us out," continued Dylan. The down and out real estate market was just the "environment" we needed. We were like, really glad to hear something was as dead as we like to think of ourselves. "

But neighbors aren't so happy with the Becker's trailer home makeover. Several have signed a petition and asked the park manager to do something about the "dead-looking trailer at 141 Sun Gazer Circle."

Mabel Gladfolk, long time resident of the park, had this to say, "Things are depressing enough as it is. I shouldn't have to look death in the face every time I get the binoculars out to see what's going on in the neighborhood."

Red Hatter Decor Blamed For Vertigo And Stalled Home Sale

Laraine Shape - Broker — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 12:52:49 -0600

Indialantic, Florida - Harlan Hooper is seeing red. Literally. And purple. As a matter of fact, he's seen so much of it over the past few years that he thinks it may be responsible for his dizzy spells and vertigo. He also thinks it's the reason his home isn't selling, but he can't convince his wife.

Harlan's wife, Edna, is a full-fledged "Red Hatter," having joined the Red Hat Society over four years ago. According to their official web site, the Society is a group of women who wear red hats with purple dresses, play dress-up and have tea parties, among other things.

But according to Harlan, "they all need their heads examined if you ask me. The ones I've met are all a bunch of drunks or fruitcakes, including my wife, Edna."

Eighteen months ago, Harlan came home from work to find his entire house transformed by Edna and her red hat ladies into a "Red Hat House" which she describes as "fun, festive and alive with color!"

But Harlan had this to say about the makeover, "Everything in the gosh danged house was red, purple and fluffy. She even had the dog dressed up like one a them Red Hat nut jobs!"

Shortly after the makeover the Hoopers decided to put their home on the market. It's been for sale ever since. According to Harlan, they haven't even had a nibble.

"The real estate lady keeps tellin' us to lose the red and purple but Edna just won't listen. She says neutral colors make her feel depressed."

Show Us Your Cupcakes!

Laraine Shape - Broker — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 18:52:05 -0600

Speaking of cupcakes, I've never met one I didn't like love. Have you? No matter what's going on, they can be counted on to take you to your happy place. Ever see someone snarl around a pretty plate of freshly baked, cupcakes? Me either. I mean, who doesn't love a neat, paper lined cup of cake with homemade frosting on top?

My latest love is big, fat coconut cupcakes. The recipe is from The Barefoot Contessa cookbook and made from scratch with a ton of real butter, eggs, flour and buttermilk - all slathered in a rich cream cheese frosting and sprinkled with moist, sweet coconut. (I dip mine in the coconut rather than sprinkle) Ooh la la! They're moist, buttery and coconut-y all at the same time.

Lose a listing to Mr. Slick? Step in doggie do? Misplace your lockbox? Get an ugly phone message from Mr. and Mrs. Unstaged and Overpriced? Go home and bake a batch of these cupcakes. If you have kids, let them help. Play some classic rock, lick the bowl, dance, laugh out loud and make sure to lay the frosting on thick! I promise your day will suddenly seem brighter and a whole lot more fun.

Florida Real Estate Broker Arrested For Indecent Exposure

Laraine Shape - Broker — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 10:20:40 -0600

Palm Bay, Florida - Real Estate broker Wilson "Wink" Lewis was arrested and booked into County Jail yesterday on charges of indecent exposure, police said.

Lewis, 69, broker for Sun, Sand & Sea Realty, Inc. since 1974 was placed under citizen's arrest after a professional home stager previewed one of his listings in the southwest section of Palm Bay.

Police approached a home at 3:20 pm that matched the home stager's description and found Lewis in the dining area telling the owners how nice their display of family photos looked. He was also heard advising them to just leave the photos up.

According to detective Buddy Graham, lead investigator for the case, "We were shocked that someone who represents himself as a knowledgeable professional would allow home sellers to do such a thing. This family photo exposure was absolutely indecent. I'm ashamed for the community."

The home stager later identified Lewis as the listing broker and said she's seen him doing similar things on three other occasions, Graham said. "One of the listings I previewed was so full of clutter that it gave me angina pains. I was tempted to call the police then but had to go to the emergency room instead."

Mr. Lewis was unavailable for comment.

Entire Kitchen Found In Dumpster

Laraine Shape - Broker — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 08:11:36 -0600

Melbourne, Florida - Ralph and June Haggemeir are counting their lucky stars after having discovered an entire kitchen inside a local dumpster. "We found it right under some empty milk cartons and a perfectly good trellis someone threw out. It's our "miracle kitchen!"

When asked what they intend to do with their find June had this to say, "well, until we can find a buyer for it, we was thinking about charging people to come in and look at it. Like they did with that Mother Mary window stain down in Clearwater. The extry cash would sure come in handy for Christmas."

Palm Bay Couple Convinced Crop Circle and Chicken Tracks Worth Big Money

Laraine Shape - Broker — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 12:35:23 -0600

Melbourne, Florida - Anthony and Carmine Sarducci have been through 6 realtors, 14 open houses, 12 showings, 36 months on the Brevard County MLS and nearly a year of attempting to obtain a property tax exemption based on "religious" use.

They were disappointed this past Monday to learn their claim for exemption was thrown out and deemed "legally insufficient" by Brevard County taxing authorities. But in spite of the controversy, they remain confident they will get the exemption and the $349,900 (Zillow valued at $50,000) they are asking for their modest 1200 square foot home.

According to Mr. Sarducci, a truck driver for Martin's Potato Rolls, "Our home has been blessed by extraterrestrial beings and should be exempted as a place of worship."

"And as for the price, we got something nobody else in town's got. We got a crop circle out in the front yard and chicken tracks in the kitchen from the night we was visited by them aliens. We're pretty sure they came during the night of my 40th birthday party," Mr. Sarducci continued.

"Carmine had this huge surprise party for me and 40 or 50 of my biker friends came over. We stayed up until about 2:00 am then went to bed. We didn't notice anything odd until the next day."

When the couple arose at approximately 1:30 pm the following afternoon, they discovered a dead chicken in the middle of the kitchen floor with black paint all over its feet and an unusual "chicken scratch" pattern on the walls and cabinets.

"We definitely believe it's the work of extraterrestrials," noted Carmine. I think they landed sometime during the night, made the crop circle out front, came through that broken window over there and did their work."

"They must have dipped the chicken's feet in the can of black paint I was using for Tony's "over the hill" decorations and let it run wild all over my kitchen. When it was done running around, they obviously wrung the poor thing's neck and left it on the floor. I'm just glad there wasn't any probing involved, or at least I don't think there was."

"The point everybody's missing is that these items add a ton of value to our home" Mr. Sarducci continued. "We've got a friggin' shrine here. All the real estate people keep telling us to reduce the price, but I smell a commission check. We ain't giving our house away. Somebody's gonna come along and realize what we have here"

The Sarduccis concluded by saying they "won't take a penny less than their $349,900 asking price." They plan to hire an attorney for the property tax exemption matter as soon as Mr. Sarducci's Worker's Compensation funds are released.

Disclaimer: This "News Item" is a work of (comic relief) fiction. Only the MLS photos are real. Any resemblance between the characters, persons or Realtors® is purely coincidental.

Mummified Real Estate Agent Sets Open House Record

Laraine Shape - Broker — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 10:52:21 -0600

Melbourne, Florida - On April 19^th, 1964, Oren "Mac" Mackerel ate his modest bowl of Special K with skim milk, gave his cat "Dolly" her daily dollop of cream, drank the last of his Sanka and headed for his Sunday Open House, just as he had a thousand times before.

Mac, a Realtor with now defunct HappyHomes Realty, Inc., was looking forward to a nice, home cooked meal with Miss Lucille, Melbourne city librarian, later in the day. Today was going to be meatloaf, fresh green beans, mashed potatoes, a green Jell-O salad with pears and a big, fat slice of double-chocolate cake.

Twenty four years later, to the day, Mac was discovered inside the home he was hoping to sell at the Open House. The sale would have helped pay for the diamond engagement ring he had on layaway for Miss Lucille down at Jessup's Jewelry.

Melbourne police, contacted by a homeless man on his Blackberry, were shocked to find the mummified Mr. Mackerel in the home's formal living room, "looking as if he was pointing out the features of the home and its furnishings which, according to flyers, were being offered for sale with the home."

Captain James Dangle with the Melbourne Police department said, "It appears Mr. Mackerel died of heart failure during an Open House some time in April of 1964. His Open House flyers and a plate of cookies were still on the kitchen table, untouched. It's absolutely bizarre that no one found him before now."

Captain Dangle is pretty sure twenty four years sets a world Open House record. He plans to contact representatives of Ripley's Believe It Or Not to find out. "Hey maybe they'll come to Melbourne and do a show about it. You just never know."

Disclaimer: This "News Item" is a work of (comic relief) fiction. Only the MLS photos are real. Any resemblance between the characters, persons or Realtors® is purely coincidental.