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Joke of the day - #54: The diligent auto mechanic - 12/31/10 09:23 AM
Having just been car shopping (equivalent to getting your teeth drilled without anesthetic, in my opinion), I'm kind of in the mood to poke fun at auto dealers. However, the following little story, though not quite about dealers, is cute and makes a point: When my wife and I arrived at the dealership to pick up our car, which had been left for service, we were told the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the passenger's side door. As I watched from the driver side, I (1 comments)
Joke of the day - #53: Don't want to miss the football game! - 12/30/10 10:49 AM
We often find it expedient to make concessions to those we love. That's part of what love means. Although those who aren't football fans might not appreciate it, here's a great example: As in many homes on New Year's Day, my mother and father always faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace one year, my father ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game. Several minutes later, (1 comments)
Joke of the day - #52: How to collect past due debts. - 12/29/10 07:35 AM
I was just reading that Countrywide, now part of B of A, strongly overstated the value of mortgages they sold to investors. There is a whole series of lawsuits coming down regarding this type of misrepresentation. The full extent of the problem is just starting to come to light and the probable end result looks like the taxpayers will have to end up holding the bad mortgages. Generally speaking, if you borrow $100 from a bank and can't pay, that's your problem. If hundreds of thousands of us borrow from a bank and can't pay, that's the taxpayer's problem. It's no (1 comments)
Joke of the day - #51: Uncle Joe's Rules of Business - 12/28/10 07:45 AM
It seems like there're lots of Uncle Joes out there. They've quite often been semi-retired since the age of 24. Never-the-less, over the years, they've developed a set of principles which they apply impartially to both their private and business affairs. Here are some of them: If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away and it won't be missed. If you keep it longer, you can sell it as an antique on eBay. If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a 50% chance of getting a reputation as a prophet. If you live in a (6 comments)
Joke of the day - #50: Temperature and What it Means to a Realtor - 12/27/10 09:02 AM
Who ever said that real estate was easy? If people only knew the challenges that agents face, especially during the winter season, they'd be more appreciative. Really. (NOT REALLY!) Temperature and What it Means to a Realtor 40 - Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming. Neither is in a buying mood. 35 - Italian cars don't start. You get a laugh because the Board's top producer's Masarati leaves him stranded outside a XXX-rated bar. 32 - Water freezes. All of the pipes in your listings break. 30 - You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless. They blame mortgage (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #49: Top ten New Years Resolutions for Real Estate Agents. - 12/26/10 07:52 AM
Considering how many people are engaged in the profession of real estate sales, you'd think that training would be available to avoid the most common mistakes. After all, nearly everyone has first-hand knowledge of several really stupid things that should be avoided. With this in mind, here's a brief list of resolutions to help you get started preparing for New Years:
1. I resolve to spend time working with neglected children. (my own). I arrived home early and fixed dinner the other night. They didn't show up when I yelled, "It's time to eat." After 10 minutes of searching, I (10 comments)
Joke of the day - #48: Santa's pre-flight security check. - 12/25/10 09:20 AM
If the government were in charge of Santa's Sleigh flight: (I'm sure I'll get a lump of coal in my stocking for this one. Oh no, wait. Coal isn't environmentally appropriate-CO2 & global warming, you know.) The reindeer would be x-rayed for contraband. The reindeer would also have to surrender their antlers. After all, an antler could be used to take over the sleigh. Santa would have to go through the metal detector and then he'd automatically be selected for further screening due to his suspiciously large stomach which shakes like a bowl of jelly when he laughs. Santa would have to undergo an (9 comments)
Joke of the day - #47: Political Correctness has gotten out of control. - 12/24/10 09:40 AM
I don't mean to be critical of our wonderful, politically correct culture, but it seems to me that things have just about gotten totally out-of-hand in the past year. Here's a clever version of the 12 Days of Whatever(you probably know the melody): "On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though (1 comments)
Joke of the day - #46: Pessimist or Optimist? - 12/23/10 09:22 AM
Here's an old joke, but, like all good jokes that stand the test of time, it has an element of truth in it and a lesson for us regarding our attitude. There were identical twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was remarkable. However, their personalities were opposite in every way: one was an eternal optimist, the other a terrible pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he filled with buckets of horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #45: Politics brings out the worst in me. - 12/22/10 09:05 AM
After reading about the latest set of politicians on the take, wasted money, insane legislation, national debt, bureaucratic outrages and TSA gropings, I'm ready for another election. Can we vote before the end of the year to get rid of them all? A freshman congressman had won his election on the basis of promises that he wouldn't become just another Washington establishment insider. After he had gotten the key to his office, he found a set of rules on his desk which he was supposed to memorize prior to reporting for the first session of the house of representatives. Here they (0 comments)
Joke of the day - #44: Two ears and one mouth. - 12/21/10 10:19 AM
Sometimes, we don't listen too well as opposed to not hearing at all, as in the following story. An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair and spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response, so he moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was still no response. Feeling worried, he moved right behind her. Drawing a deep breath, he said loudly, "Honey, can you hear me?" She turned towards him (3 comments)
Joke of the day - #43: Squeezing juice out of a lemon. - 12/20/10 09:31 AM
What comes with the turn of the new year? Football games, left-overs, guests who won' t leave? Well, yes, but I was thinking about getting ready for TAX Season! Gasp! It just doesn't seem right for it to take so long for us to prepare a statement of how much the government is going to take from us. Why not just a flat 100% or something? It'd be a lot quicker and then we could be back on the streets trying to earn money to pay for next year's overspending. Anyway, we all love IRS and in that spirit here's a (5 comments)
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. (6 comments)
Joke of the day - #41: Forms of government explained. - 12/18/10 10:21 AM
FEUDALISM: You live on the Baron's manor. You have two cows. The Baron takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The (8 comments)
Joke of the day - #40: The political TV - 12/17/10 09:10 AM
One day, a farmer went into town to pick out a new TV. He found one that he thought would do just fine. As the area had no cable, he picked out an antenna as well. The sales person assured him that the store would install the antenna and TV for him the next day. The television and antenna were delivered and installed as promised.The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV set and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat (4 comments)
Joke of the day - #39: Not raising hogs - 12/16/10 08:32 AM
Considering the state of the Federal budget and the propensity to lard up spending bills with lots of pork enjoyed by almost all of our duly elected representatives, here's a sample letter to the government inquiring about income possibilities: TO: Honorable Secretary of AgricultureWashington, D.C. Dear Sir; My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #38: Artificial Intelligence - 12/15/10 09:47 AM
The newest smart phone is so smart that it can be programmed to converse with humans. Three men were comparing their phones' conversational abilities. The first man said that his phone discussed the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc... The other two were impressed. "And, you enjoy this kind of thing?" asked the second man. "Yes," he answered, "my IQ is about 160 and I find the topics fascinating." The second man then said that his phone would only discuss NASCAR racing, the latest football scores,and what to expect the Colorado Rockies to do this season. The (1 comments)
Joke of the day - #37: Creation might be delayed a few days... - 12/14/10 10:11 AM
The following story is one I found on the internet, no copyright and no author, but it is just too...too perfect an example of the obstacles builders usually meet, so here it is: A Story of CreationIn the beginning, God created heaven and earth. Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part. At the hearing, God was asked why he began (6 comments)
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #35: The Dancing Duck - 12/12/10 10:46 AM
A circus sideshow owner walked into a bar in a small town and saw all of the patrons gathered around a table. When he neared the table, he saw an upside down pot with a duck madly tap dancing on it. Thinking what a great draw this would be for his show, he offered to buy the duck from its owner, the bartender. After some hectic bartering, a deal was struck at the rather expensive price of $5,000 for the duck with the pot included. A week later, the sideshow owner returned to the bar. He was furious with the duck's (6 comments)
Joke of the day - #34: More letters from tenants - 12/11/10 09:19 AM
More exerpts from letters to property managers: The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. Will you please send someone to (4 comments)
Joke of the day - #33: The smart tenant. - 12/10/10 10:03 AM
Have you ever met people who want to appear to be ethical, but often bend the rules a little? A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city where the father had been transferred by his company. Not wanting to purchase a house until they'd gotten oriented, they decided to rent for a few months. (Don't you just hate that when your referral does it?). They were having a difficult time finding a suitable apartment. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the number of children (It's a joke, ok?). After several days of searching, the (8 comments)
Joke of the day - #32: Don't look now, but the joke may be on us - 12/09/10 04:37 PM
It's not enough to work hard, you've also got to do the right things with the money you earn. I'm not offering financial advice here, but, if you want to benefit from your efforts to the maximum possible, you'd probably better think about this type of thing. I've read that basics have increased in price (wheat is up over 70% year-over-year), so it's time to start watching for inflation to show up. Washington, D. C.A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac (1 comments)
Joke of the day - #31: Efficiency & keeping your house showing ready - 12/08/10 09:41 AM
It can be a challenge to get your sellers to keep their home ready for showing. We always finish our listing presentation (after the contract is signed) by telling the seller that their home has just changed from "their home" to a "product on the market." We tell them that it must be considered to be in the same category as a display window at a large department store and it's easier to keep it that way than to go through the motions of cleaning it up for every showing. We mention that it's often disappointing to spend 30 minutes picking (4 comments)
Joke of the day-#30: Communications from the far side-letters from Tenants - 12/07/10 09:34 AM
It's a truism in social discourse that we often don't say what we mean. Complete candor is often embarrassing and can be insulting to the person who is the subject of the statement. As Realtors we are careful to phrase things in a positive way. For example, when you're faced with a house which has a hot pink carpeting, you might say, "This will really appeal to the segment of the buying population who hold stock in Pepto-Bismol or sell Mary Kay cosmetics. On the other hand, we all don't always say exactly what we mean. Here are some examples extracted (5 comments)
Joke of the day- #29: Bankers- sink or swim? - 12/06/10 09:16 AM
Apologies in advance, the pun is bad, but the point is good. A mortgage banker fell off the railing of a friend's boat some distance from shore. Not knowing if the banker could swim, his friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Of course," the banker replied, "but it would have to be full-doc." It seems like the banks have plenty of money and yet qualifying for loans is more difficult than ever before, especially for those of us who are self-employed and used to rely on stated-income loans. Hmmm. Have a great day (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #28: Wouldn't it be nice if ... - 12/05/10 09:39 AM
Joke #28 - Wouldn't it be nice if... A woman told us, "While carpenters were working on the outside of the older house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom." With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers." "That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained." Renovations are always interesting. We've found that the amount of dust is exponentially proportional to (6 comments)
Joke of the day -#27: You know there's too many bureaucrats when... - 12/04/10 08:54 AM
For the past two years, the government has spent millions in tax dollars to study the public's approval ratings for unemployment. They have concluded that a 9% unemployment level is acceptable to 91% of the working population. The spokesman for the Department of Labor says they now just hope that the unemployment rate doesn't change.
Of course, Realtors don't fit into the statistics very well. This is one of the few careers where a person can work 24 hours a day for a month and then not have any business for the next month and still consider themselves as employed. (1 comments)
Joke of the day - #26: Getting your sellers to keep their house show ready. - 12/03/10 09:09 AM
Trying to educate your sellers about keeping their houses showing ready is sometimes a bit of a task, especially when it's not normal for them to live that way. My wife once showed a house which looked as if it'd been burglarized. All of the drawers in every room were open and clothes were hanging out of them and scattered on the floor everywhere. Even the kitchen drawers were open. It was so bad, she called the listing agent only to be reassured, "Oh, they just live that way." At another house, she and her buyers were greeted by the owner (1 comments)
Joke of the day-#25: Look for hidden motivation. - 12/02/10 10:03 AM
It's a good idea to look at the end result of a situation when dealing with other people. Their behavior might not seem right to you, but often looking at the result from an informed viewpoint will shed light on what motivates them. We've heard about a man who insisted on a particular price for his house, not because it was worth it, but because he wanted to get more than his brother did when he sold. Here's another example:
There was a boy who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what his problem (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #24: Take responsibility for your actions. - 12/01/10 08:32 AM
Here we are approaching the turn of the year. I don't know about you, but we've pretty well stayed on budget, despite the efforts of numerous phone solicitors who want to sell us top billing on search engines, new software, website remakes, leads and so on. What we've learned from their efforts is to not answer the phone if the call is from either a toll-free line or if the caller id is blocked. The chances of having some actual business come in from either of these two sources is minuscule and we've got voicemail and can call them back, if necessary. (1 comments)
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