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Joke of the day - #174: Where did the baby go? - 04/30/11 08:43 AM
Think of the first time you saw something you didn't fully understand. If you were unprepared, your immediate thoughts about whatever it was might have been completely different from the actual reality. Here's an example: For weeks a six-year old boy kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother that was expected at his house. This stopped abruptly when his mother allowed him to feel the movements of the unborn child. He was obviously impressed, but made no comment. After several days of not hearing about the boy's baby brother, the teacher finally asked him, "Whatever has become of that (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #173: Is your Realtor normal? Questions for the consumer. - 04/29/11 09:13 AM
Sometimes it's acceptable to poke fun at yourself and I'm of the opinion that there just isn't enough humor directed at Realtors, so here's a list of questions that can be useful in determining if your Realtor is in need of professional mental help: How to tell if your Realtor has a problem by asking yourself the following questions: Does your Realtor sleep 6 hours a day, talk on the phone for 16 hours and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating? Does your Realtor take frequent phone calls at times guaranteed to be annoying, such as in the middle (5 comments)
Joke of the day - #172: Hey, Pa! There's a dinosaur in the toilet! - 04/28/11 08:52 AM
Sometimes the job just seems to be more complex and take more effort than you'd planned on. Take this common plumbing problem, for example: A man couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, and had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a red, plastic dinosaur, which belonged to his five-year-old son. He painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and tried an experimental flush. He was unhappy to see that it didn't work much better than before! As he pondered what to do next, his young son (1 comments)
Joke of the day - #171: How am I going to change the channel? - 04/27/11 08:51 AM
Even the most socially insensitive individual can get the point, if it's illustrated adequately. Here's one way to show your displeasure: "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal, evil thing I could do to him." Have you ever worked with someone whose primary and only focus (6 comments)
Joke of the day - #170: They like to shop. - 04/26/11 09:15 AM
When you're developing a marketing plan, you may find that you've got to be creative in order to focus on elements of the property that will engage prospective buyers emotionally. Here's a clever woman's example: An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. "What are they?" he asked. "Well, first, I want to be cremated," she answered. He wrote in a notebook for a second and than asked, "Ok. What is your second request?" Her answer took him by surprise, "I want my ashes scattered (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #169: Photo-shopping your geneology. - 04/25/11 09:40 AM
We all love the Internet. It gives us access to lots of information that we'd otherwise have a difficult time finding. It's a great place to advertise our listings. However, it can be used deceptively as well. Here's an example of how a little creative editing and photo-shopping can create a more favorable impression: You are working on your family genealogy and for example, let's imagine that your great-great uncle, William Smith, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of William, showing (1 comments)
Joke of the day - #168: Going the wrong way? - 04/24/11 10:12 AM
Did you ever get the idea that you were heading in the wrong direction? What were the signals that alerted you? An elderly man was driving down the freeway and his cell phone rang. After some fumbling, he managed to answer the phone. It was his wife who'd called to warn him of a dangerous situation. "Fred, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-95. Please be careful!" she said. "Tell me about it!" answered Fred, "But, it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" As the saying goes, "Now there's a (3 comments)
Joke of the day - #167: Oh, no! I was rejected again! (Great!) - 04/23/11 09:55 AM
Yesterday I wrote about how important it was to document what you do and what is said in each real estate transaction. No one has a memory good enough to remember absolutely every detail, especially after days or weeks have passed. In fact, sometimes not having a very good memory can be very useful: Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The (3 comments)
Joke of the day - #166: What did I agree to do? - 04/22/11 11:18 AM
When we're young, we think our memories are infallible. As time goes by, we usually learn the hard way that they're not quite that perfect: An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he (0 comments)
Joke of the day - #165: Your reputation (A) Sucks! or (B) is wonderful! - 04/21/11 09:44 AM
When you're in business providing services to the public, your reputation is critical. Any poorly thought out action can come back and bite you when you're least expecting it. For example: A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Smith. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about (1 comments)
Joke of the day - #164: Those trash cans make a lot of noise! - 04/20/11 09:38 AM
When we're faced with modifying our behavior or that of someone else, it might be a good idea to remember the lesson in this story: A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #163: Results wanted! - 04/19/11 09:20 AM
Selling real estate for a living means that you can be subject to large variations in your income. One month you might bring in thousands of dollars and then nothing in the next month. Perhaps this story can help shed some light on this phenomenon. A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. "Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first one of you who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. (4 comments)
Joke of the day - #162: Manipulating your children. - 04/18/11 10:20 AM
Creative thinking knows no bounds. Here's a particularly innovative way to get your kids to do what you want: An elderly man in Florida called his son in New York. The father said to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're thinking of getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." He hung (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #161: Life's too short, so let's just paraphrase it. - 04/17/11 11:43 AM
It often seems like the world is full of rustic philosophers who've spent some time observing life and have a few critical aphorisms they use to impart their wisdom. Here are a few of the less racy ones: Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Life is sexually transmitted. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internetand they won't bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can'thelp but (5 comments)
Joke of the day - #160: Who gets the dog? - 04/16/11 10:26 AM
Sometimes what is true for us just doesn't seem possible to other people: A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can (3 comments)
Joke of the day - #159: Yesterday I didn't know what a Real-A-Tor was, now I are one! - 04/15/11 09:51 AM
Advancement can come easier for some people than for others: The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-president. Now, it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #158: Aggh! Now, I'm fat! - 04/14/11 08:05 AM
I've been thinking about thinking recently. It's funny (as in funny-tragic) how our thoughts are the only reality we can actually know and how they can be so wrong about a situation that we behave inappropriately. Here's an example of how our thinking can impact our physical body: A woman went to the doctor for her annual physical. The nurse asked her how much she weighed and she told her 135 pounds. Then the nurse weighed her and the scale said 160. The nurse asked her how tall she was. She answered, "5 feet, 8 inches." When she was measured she (7 comments)
Joke of the day - #157: Don't forget to remember being successful! - 04/13/11 10:03 AM
It's interesting how our memory works. It can often retrieve critical pieces of information instantly starting from clues that a computer wouldn't be able to isolate, but other times it seems to just stall: Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding, " Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, and association. It made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred suddenly couldn't remember. He started to say that (3 comments)
Joke of the day - #156: Go ahead! Give 'em a call. - 04/12/11 10:50 AM
Sometimes it's a good idea to get impartial and unbiased feedback on just how well we're doing: A boy walked into the corner drug store and asked if he could use the phone. The store owner agreed and let him make a call. Curious, the owner lingered nearby to listen in on the conversation. The boy dialed a number and then proceeded to try and get a job from the woman who answered the phone. The boy asked, "Lady, will you give me a job cutting your lawn? The store was quiet and the owner could hear the answer, "I already have (4 comments)
Joke of the day - #155: Don't let it be a popularity contest. - 04/11/11 10:12 AM
You can fool some of the people part of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. Despite what your public story is about your accomplishments, the truth will eventually come out... While driving through Tennessee a man saw a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." Curious, he rang the bell and the owner said, "Meet me around back, that's where the dog is." The man walked around the house and into the backyard and there was a large, jet black Labrador retriever. "Do you talk?" the man asked. "Yep," the (1 comments)
Joke of the day - #154: You are what you eat... - 04/10/11 11:35 AM
I was having a discussion with someone the other day about healthy eating. Here's an example of what it will do for you: An elderly couple were killed in an accident and soon found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. During the tour, he showed them the amenities: "Here is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been (3 comments)
Joke of the day - #153: Start walking away from your bad results. - 04/09/11 09:29 AM
We draw the things we think about the most into our lives. This is the essence of the law of attraction and, although it seems esoteric and odd, it does and must work in that way. Here's a story demonstrating how not to think: Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But, mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #152: Some observations caused by a stalled computer. - 04/08/11 09:51 AM
One of the greatest problems we face on a daily basis is using our computers to assist in our job. Once the darned things get into the mode of causing problems which seems to be programmed into all of them to begin a few months after they're first purchased, you find that you spend increasingly more and more time waiting on them. Here's a commentary on that subject: A computer industry spokesman reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If car manufacturers had advanced as quickly as the computer industry, we would all be driving $25 cars (1 comments)
Joke of the day - #151: Watch your P's and Q's when you're writing. - 04/07/11 10:35 AM
English is a funny language. Considering the syntax and odd spellings, it's a wonder we can ever make ourselves understood. Here's some help for those who are confused: How to Write Good 1. Avoid alliteration. Always.2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.3. The adverb always follows the verb.4. Employ the vernacular.5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.7. Remember to never split an infinitive.8. Contractions arent necessary.9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.10. One should never generalize.11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #150: Casual day has gotten out of control! - 04/06/11 09:36 AM
I'm going to write a political commentary today, so don't say you haven't been warned. The business of bureaucracy is to grow. And grow, and grow larger yet. If given the chance a bureaucracy will spring up overnight and then insist that it is now absolutely essential for survival. One wonders how we ever survived without it. Yes, I'm talking about government, but all kinds of bureaucracy are the same. Here's an example: Memo 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity. Memo 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #149: Whose motorcycle was that, anyway? - 04/05/11 10:18 AM
There are certain things that you must be aware of when you become a real estate agent. One of them is that working as a Realtor means you are in the public relations business. A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough looking bikers walked in. One of the bikers walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The old man didn't say anything, but just kept on eating his pancakes. The second walked up to the old man, took a big (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #148: Why is it my fault you burned your leg with that iron?! - 04/04/11 09:06 AM
It sometimes seems to me that today's society is entirely too consumed with worrying about potential lawsuits. We have insurance to cover any potential liability we might have for any untoward event, to wit: Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous (2 comments)
Joke of the day - #147: The $50,000 dog. - 04/03/11 10:33 AM
We are always engaged in commercial trade of one form or another throughout our lives. Here's a story about a young boy who got started in trade early: An economist was leaving his office building and saw a little boy sitting on the curb with a dog. The boy yelled at the economist, "Hey, Mister, how would you like to buy a dog." The man was intrigued by this sales approach and asked the boy, "How much do you want for your dog." The boy told him, "Fifty thousand dollars." "Fifty thousand dollars!" the man repeated in astonishment. "What special tricks does (1 comments)
Joke of the day - #146: Offers may or may not become contracts - 04/02/11 09:31 AM
I had a rather trying time with another real estate agent yesterday and I happened on the following observations on our language, so I decided to post it, since it makes a good point. Let's face itEnglish is a stupid language.There is no egg in the eggplantNo ham in the hamburgerAnd neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.English muffins were not invented in EnglandFrench fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for grantedBut if we examine its paradoxes we find thatQuicksand takes you down slowlyBoxing rings are squareAnd a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it (5 comments)
Joke of the day - #145: Try not to think of a white bear. - 04/01/11 10:03 AM
People arrive in real estate coming from all sorts of careers and they always have a story about why they changed... (What's yours? Why did you become a Realtor?) I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate. I used to be a magician's assistant, but I was dispelled and disillusioned. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. I used to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job. I used to work in (0 comments)
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