Paul's Scottsdale AZ Real Estate Chronicles

Appraisals, Underwriters and the Third Rail of the Housing Recovery

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 18:53:21 -0800

In theory, an appraisal is an independent evaluation of a property by a neutral third party to determine its likely worth in the open market.

In practice, it has become the de facto final word on a property’s worth, overriding the agreement between a willing buyer and seller.

How is it that the guestimation of value has supplanted the actual sale as the ultimate arbiter of worth? That the tail has come to wag the dog? Thank your friendly financial institution.

You see, appraisals are rarely ordered for cash transactions. Why? Because the buyer has already reviewed the recent sales comparables and negotiated the best terms he/she could with the seller before arriving at the final sales price. Appraisals are requirements of (most) financed transactions because they are really not for the benefit of the buyer. They are an added layer of protection for the lender that is putting up the bulk of the purchase money.

Certainly an understandable requirement from an institution that is taking on the risk of lending money against a property that may or may not represent suitable collateral, depending on the drooling-idiocy factor of the buyer. The bank demands an appraisal to validate the purchase price before ponying up the cash; makes perfect sense.

Where things have gotten a bit off-kilter as of late is in the bank’s internal review process of the appraisal. Times were, the appraisal came back at value, and you were good to go. Your shrewd purchase was confirmed by a non-biased review by a licensed professional. After the housing meltdown, however, banks have taken to assigning the bulk of the blame for the whole fiasco to unscrupulous loan originators and appraisers for falsifying loan applications and willfully inflating values, respectively; ignoring their own ridiculous loan products that were offered to people who never should have been candidates for stated income, interest-only financing vehicles, they are determined to stamp out any potential for fraudulent dealings that exposes them to similar risk in the future.

Tightened appraisal standards came to pass, including restrictions placed upon direct selection of appraisers (most orders go to faceless appraisal management companies now, who in turn select the appraiser). Loan originators and Realtors have limited access to appraisers these days, lest we corrupt their sensibilities and bend them to our devious aims.

The appraiser is now free to perform his evaluation in an ivory tower, unencumbered by the incentive-laden hands that would pull at him to bring in a value reflective of the sales price.

Or is he?

While charges of fraud and artificial inflation of value have been heaped upon the working stiffs from up high, I posit that the exact opposite is now occurring.

With the current barriers in place, the banks themselves are the only ones with unfettered access to the appraiser during the course of a transaction. Beholden only to those banks, appraisers have been put in the impossible position of providing fair evaluations of properties for institutions that have a vested interest in suppressing value/risk.

Bluntly, banks are actively pressuring appraisers to devalue properties.

By using the veto power of the underwriter review, they may demand that an appraisal which came in at value be reworked to use different comps or adjustments made to the physical attributes of the house that they dispute (square footage adjustments, etc). They may demand that adjustments (downgrades) be made for market trends, etc.

In short, some bean counter in an office in South Dakota is using his position to dictate the final version of the appraisal to the licensed professional who has actually physically viewed, measured, photographed and evaluated the property.

This is how appraisals initially come in at $400,000, only to get knocked down to $350,000 upon underwriter review. And when that happens? You get to appeal the appraisal … to the very institution responsible for the final disparity in value.

Akin to taking one’s death sentence appeal to the hangman himself.

Appraisers have little choice but to comply if they want to keep their accounts with the big banks in good standing. Further, until the underwriter signs off on the appraisal, it really doesn’t matter what value is reflected in it. He decides the house isn’t worth what you are paying for it, your loan is scuttled. Unless the seller agrees to sell the property to you at the reduced price (unlikely in a market that is now generating bidding wars) or you have additional cash to plunk down to make up the difference, you are out the cost of the appraisal, inspections and emotional investment in the property.

The big banks are artificially suppressing our values, and they are charging you $350-400 a pop to do it.

What’s the best way to ensure that you are working with an institution that is actually interested in helping you purchase the home of your dreams? Think local. Many small, local banks not only work with select appraisers who actually know the areas they cover (as opposed to trucking them in from Tuba City on the luck of the draw), but are more likely to keep your loan in their portfolio. One of the primary drivers of a big bank’s decision to take on your loan is how sellable it is on the secondary market. Any quirks with the property, such as it being recently “flipped” by an investor, and the loan becomes less attractive to them. Out come the knives.

Add the suppression of value and subsequent hindrance to the market’s recovery to the list of charges I wouldn’t mind seeing in a financial perp-walk. Such manipulation of the market and coercive impact on property values does not merely effect buyers, but it robs sellers at large of what little equity they may have left. Of course, I suppose it is only fitting that the very institutions that spawned the ponzi schemes that led to housing’s demise are the same that would stand in the way of its nascent resurrection.

Such practices are an affront to us all, and must be stopped.

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Black Friday

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 20:28:37 -0800

Warning: The story you are about to read has nothing to do with Real Estate, and could very well make you dumber by proxy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carl Maldalfi spent Thanksgiving in a ball pit in the toy section of Stalwart Superstore. Gnawing on the strips of smoked turkey he had concealed on his person, namely in the myriad pockets of his black fatigues, he bided his time while the last-minute holiday shoppers stuck primarily to the bakery and food aisles.

Hustle and get that pumpkin pie, he thought with a disgusted smirk. Not like you had three hundred and sixty five days to secure that can of cranberries.

The lazy habits of the typical American consumer made the Gulf War veteran sick. The entitled masses had no discipline. No impetus for proper planning. No respect for the sacrifices made by men like him who fought to protect their petty, apathetic way of life.

“Hi.”

Carl froze, realizing he’d been spotted by the owner of the tiny voice.

“Hi,” the child tried again, staring Carl in the eye and holding a package that housed a small, green and chrome top.

Carl recognized the toy as a Beyblade, not unlike the one his son Sherman had included on the list he mailed to Santa via Carl’s post office box address. The list that now resided in his right front pocket.

The snot-nosed little brat in front of him probably didn’t even know he could buy it for 70% less in about eight hours.

Desperate to retrieve Sherman’s rightful stocking stuffer from the pint-sized bogey, but equally determined to maintain cover, Carl narrowed his feral, brown eyes. His face obscured by a liberal application of eye-black, they were the only visible features of his fearsome scowl.

“You silly,” the boy laughed as he tore open the packaging. He threaded a red, plastic ripcord through the toy, preparing it for battle.

“Fwee, two, one … let it wip!”

The boy pulled the cord, launching the whirling top. Carl watched as it bumped against the base of his enclosure. Looking around, seeing no one else, he shot a black-sleeved arm out of the sea of plastic balls and snagged it.

“Hey,” the boy objected, tears welling in his big, blue eyes.

“Jimmy,” a woman’s voice called from an aisle over, closing. “Jimmy?”

“There you are,” the young mother exclaimed as she swept the stammering child into her arms. “You can’t just run off like that, sweetheart.”

“M-m-m-my b-bey b-blade!”

Carl put a finger to his thin lips, imploring the imp’s silence.

“I told you we’d get you one tomorrow, sweetie,” she promised, kissing his wispy blond hair as she strode off in the direction of the bakery.

“B-but the man in there took it,” the child objected, looking over her shoulder and pointing at Carl’s hiding place.

Carl pointed back at the boy and drew a thumb across his own throat.

“Of course he did, sweetie,” she acknowledged, not faltering in her purposeful march. “But we have to hurry. Now, do you know any little boys who like apple pie?”

“Me,” the boy squealed before disappearing out of earshot.

Carl let out the breath he’d been holding as a tinny beeping erupted somewhere around him. He experienced a brief moment of panic before realizing it was the timer on his wristwatch that he had synchronized to the store’s posted closing time. He stayed the alarm with the touch of a button and removed another piece of jerky from a pocket.

And he waited.

The overhead lights dimmed ten minutes later, and still he didn’t budge.

Only after the last employee had finished restocking the neighboring shelves, and the janitorial crew came and went an hour after that, did he dare emerge from cover.

The box store now fully cast in darkness.

It took a full five minutes to unwind his frozen appendages. Stretching the pain out of his shoulders, he removed the night vision goggles from the black backpack that had made an unforgiving pillow for the past six hours.

“There you are, my pretty,” he mumbled into the otherworldly green hue as he donned the goggles and spread out the hand-drawn schematic map that had taken him multiple reconnaisance trips to perfect. Confirming the route that was seared into his nefarious mind, he set off for the electronics department.

Removing several more items from his pack, he first rigged trip wires to both points of entry to the 55” LCD flat-screen televisions.

“I’ll take the Samsung,” he smiled. “You mooks can have the Claymores.”

Carl’s next stop was the home appliance section by way of the automotive department. He smiled as he electrified the handle of a Maytag Neptune with a set of alligator clamps and a portable car battery charging station.

In the sporting goods department, he used fishing line and a two by four to rig a bowling ball to fall from the shelf above an official Thomas the Tank Engine tricycle.

A bullsnake with a baby rattle duct taped to its tail would dissuade even the most eager hand from reaching too deeply into the dollar DVD bin.

In the women’s clothing section, he paused in front of an item not on his list.

“For Deborah,” he assured the empty confines as he switched the tags on two pairs of satin undergarments.

On a whim, he greased the floor in front of the pain killers in the pharmaceutical aisle with jar after jar of Vaseline.

The stopwatch started beeping again.

Removing his goggles, he was shocked to find that sunlight was already beginning to creep through the East-facing glass doors of the cavernous facility. He saw a long line of shifting shapes that he knew to be inhabited sleeping bags stretched along the length of the storefront.

The vultures were waking.

After one last check of his list, he crept back to his lair; slipping under the undulating surface of multi-colored plastic balls as the echo of a deadbolt being thrown reverberated throughout the quiet store. He removed a final item before ditching the backpack, his legs tense as he prepared to fall in with the initial wave of slack-jawed bargain hunters.

Lemmings, he scoffed.

They might not score any of the best deals, but at least they’d bring home a good story. His grip tightened around the canister of military-grade mace.

This was going to be fun.

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Willy Was a Liar

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 12:27:08 -0700

Willy was a liar.

Not a teller of tall tales, not a stretcher of the truth, but a pathological liar. Whether swearing that his Uncle Doug played cowbell on Blue Oyster Cult’s ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper,’ or assuring an unsuspecting child that one plus one equals purple, weaving extravagant falsehoods came as naturally to the forty six year old Nobel laureate/nuclear physicist/bratwurst-eating champion as breathing.

So it was that Willy found himself speaking with a Real Estate agent one late autumn morning, outlining his very specific criteria for the home he intended to purchase.

“The community must be horse-friendly,” Willy informed the agent. “Did I tell you Starchaser showed at Belmont last year? Would have won if he didn’t come up lame half a length from the tape.”

Harris Burfect struggled to keep up, scribbling in the margins of a notepad already overwhelmed with his chicken-scratch. A cynic by nature, Harris had taken the appointment on the off chance that the Danny DeVito look-alike was legit. He’d learned his lesson about prematurely blowing off prospects as flakes the hard way.

“And no wells,” Willy continued. “Arsenic poisoning claimed his sire at the ranch I used to own in Montana.”

“We’ll certainly have the property inspected for hazar-”

“Wasn’t the well itself that did him in,” Willy insisted, waving off the agent’s placation. “It was old man Monticore. He was always jealous of my stallions, as he was right to be. He couldn’t raise a barn in Amish country, let alone a thoroughbred.”

“Autopsy was ruled inconclusive,” he continued, making air quotes with his sausage fingers. “But he had everyone from the coroner to the constable in his hip pocket. Those thieves had been trying to run me out of that two-bit town ever since I struck oil in the summer of two thousand and two. Greedy pigs would stop at nothing to get me off that claim.”

Harris shook out the cramp in his hand and turned to a new page. Words such as ‘ranch’ and ‘oil’ had dollar bills dancing in his mind’s eye despite his swirling doubts.

“Okay, no wells,” he yielded, eager to steer the conversation back on course. “You okay with septic systems? Most horse properties pre-date the sewer, and not too many ranchers around here have bothered to take on the expense of linking up to it.”

“Well that simply won’t do,” Willy replied. “Septic systems are a biological nightmare. Did you know that the leech field of a typical alternative waste disposal system contains more radioactive residue than a centrifuge that has processed atomic material within the past twenty four hours?”

“I’m not familiar with-”

“It’s true,” Willy assured him. “Over the years, I’ve seen far more extra fingers and missing teeth in remote villages where such waste systems are used than I did during my humanitarian mission to Chernobyl back in ninety eight.”

“Fascinating,” Harris admitted, gawking at the vaguely unhealthy-looking man across the table from him. “How long were you there?”

“Only about six months,” Willy responded. “I wanted to stay, but the intel I’d gathered was deemed too urgent by the powers that be. In hindsight, it was for the best that they pulled me out when they did. Started noticing these … growths.”

Willy rubbed a stooped shoulder as he stared off into the infinity through glassy, brown eyes.

“Powers that be,” Harris wondered. “You mean like CIA?”

Willy pulled back from wherever he’d gone and looked straight at the agent, winking.

“I’d tell you, but I’d have to kill you.”

“Got it, moving on,” Harris allowed. “Have you spoken with a lender about your financing options yet?”

He turned his head to follow the scent of rosemary that passed by on a tray, instantly regretting his own order. He found a dismissive smile on his client’s ruddy face when he turned back.

“I’ll be paying cash,” Willy informed Harris, signalling the agent closer.

Harris leaned across the table to steal a glance at the wad of cash Willy produced from the front pocket of his one-size-too-small, navy blue coat. It was bound by an ivory 'W' clip.

“Not that I keep all of my money in greenbacks,” Willy assured him, fiddling with the gold chain around his neck. “If you don’t think ten million will get it done, I’ll prep my assistant to move some bullion. Or maybe a couple of the Rembradts.”

“Very good,” Harris gulped, picturing a humorless courier walking into the title company with an attache case handcuffed to his wrist. His internal crazy alarm had moved to DEFCON-3, but he was willing to play out the string. He’d already invested this much time.

“So when do you want to start looking?”

“Straight away,” Willy answered, checking his watch as he stood. “As soon as I get back from the Maldives.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me,” he said. “I have a B-2 Spirit to catch.”

Harris made a move for his wallet.

“Please,” Willy said, staying the agent’s arm with his hand. “You insult me.”

He peeled a few bills from his roll and dropped them on the table.

“Have a productive trip, Mr. Stiffu,” Harris said as he extended his hand.

“Can’t shake,” Willy lamented, tossing him a flippant two-finger salute instead. “My attorneys advise it could potentially void the insurance policy.”

“We’ll be in touch. Be ready.”

With that, the squat, little enigma of a man turned on his heel and strolled out of the cafe, stopping once to tell an older couple studying a menu that the eggs benedict were excellent today.

A bemused grin spread across the agent’s face. He was still smiling when the waitress came by to clear the two plates of half-eaten pancakes and settle the check. Who knew? If even a fraction of what he’d been told was true, there might be a sale somewhere in the middle of it yet. Stranger things had happened.

“Sir?”

Harris didn’t hear her as he polished off the last lukewarm swallow of coffee. He was preoccupied with the ornate insignia stamped across the saucer upon which the dainty cup had been resting.

“Sir?”

Monticore Fine China.

“Son of a bitch,” Harris muttered.

“Sir,” the waitress said again, louder.

Harris looked up at the fresh-faced server.

“What am I supposed to do with this,” she asked, waving a stack of Monopoly money hidden beneath a one dollar bill. “Buy Park Place?”

“Sucker’s play,” Harris sighed, reaching for his wallet for the second time in five minutes. “Nobody ever lands on Boardwalk.”

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

NAR Initiative to Mandate REALTORS Update Avatars

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 23:50:14 -0700

(Washington DC) – In a statement released this morning, the National Association of Realtors® announced a new initiative aimed at curbing abuse in photographic representation amongst its membership in the virtual sphere.

“This initiative has been ten years in the making,” according to NAR spokesman,Trevor Null. “Ever since Realtors entered the online space en masse, we have been fielding complaints from the public about misleading avatars.”

Jane DeVannon of Surprise, AZ filed one such complaint back in 2009.

“We were nervous first time buyers,” Mrs. DeVannon explained. “Having never been through the process, we had no idea what to expect and knew that we needed to hire a Real Estate agent we could trust to guide us through the process. So we did what we always do when we have a critical decision to make. We Googled it.”

With over 87% of today’s home buyers starting their searches online, per NAR statistics, the DeVannons’ story is a common one.

“We settled on a nice looking gentleman, about forty or forty two, with two darling children in his profile picture. Imagine our surprise when an obese seventy five year old with a goiter the size of an Olsen twin showed up to our first appointment. We tried to make the best of it, but we could just never get past the initial lie,” Mrs. DeVannon related.

“We have long had a reputation problem with the general public,” Null admitted. “Grossly misrepresenting our appearances in online marketing has only served to exacerbate the institutional mistrust. I mean, when you think you’re hiring Gary Cooper, and you get Gary Coleman, it’s a problem.”

According to Initiative UB-FUGLY, all Realtors® will be required to update their avatars monthly, without benefit of Photoshop or similar photo editing software that can alter true appearance.

“And none of this downward pointing camera angle bullshit,” Null expanded. “If you have three chins, the consumer needs to see three chins.”

Penalties for failing to comply with the new requirements will be severe, including mandatory use of DMV photos for first time offenders. Proof of ownership for any/all pets and children in a Realtor’s avatar must be furnished prior to Internet use. Nieces and nephews are off limits.

The news comes too late for the DeVannons, but they are hopeful that future buyers will be spared their painful lesson in what the NAR refers to as “photo synthesis.”

“We think he rented the kids,” Mrs. DeVannon added.

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Bad Faith

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 23:53:55 -0700

“What do you mean I can’t back out on the inspection,” James “Jamo” Monahan demanded. “Say the frigging icemaker doesn’t work or something.”

“Like I told you earlier, James, er, I mean Jamo,” Agnes DeMerrit explained to her disingenuous client on the other end of the line. “There is no second bite at the apple once repairs are agreed to by both parties. Besides, your ten days were up two weeks ago.”

“Financing?”

“Your loan is approved,” Agnes responded, her short, grey hair losing pigment by the syllable.

“What if I go buy a car to screw up my ratios,” Jamo offered.

“That would be bad faith, James, er, I mean Jamo,” Agnes chastised. “It will cost you your earnest money.”

“Okay, the appraisal,” Jamo suggested. “We can still back out on the appraisal, right?”

“Appraisal came back at purchase price,” Agnes informed him.

“But you said it was ‘highly unlikely’ to appraise at the sales price,” Jamo exploded in her ear. “Now you’re telling me that I’m stuck in a deal at a price I never intended to pay? You listen to me, and you listen to me good. You better find me a way out of this contract or so help me God-“

Agnes pulled the phone away from her ear and took a deep breath. She despised working with investors. Absolutely despised it. Had she not run headlong into the driest spell of a forty year Real Estate career, she would have sent this creep packing so fast his Grecian Formula Plus infused head would have spun inside the raised collar of his pink Polo shirt.

As a rule, she preferred buyers who were actually interested in buying.

“Agnes? Agnes?”

Her client’s strident voice sounded small and tinny from a distance. She took a moment to withdraw something from the desk drawer before putting the phone back to her ear. She absently unwound a snarl in the cord as she spoke.

“All done?”

Jamo’s silence answered for him.

“Good. Now I’m going to tell you exactly how we are going to get you out of this contract with your earnest funds intact so you can pursue that new short sale that just hit the market this morning. If you’re ready to put on your big boy pants and listen, that is.”

“I’m listening.”

“Really listening?

“Yes, I’m really listening,” he assured her.

“No, James, er, Jamo,” Agnes rebuked. “I mean really listening.”

“Look, I’m listening, okay,” Jamo replied with exasperation. “I’m really, really listening. The world has stopped outside of this conversation. I’m on pins and freaking needles. Now pretty please with a cherry on top, just tell me what to do!”

Agnes whispered something into the phone, barely audible.

“What,” Jamo asked.

She whispered again, slightly louder.

“What,” Jamo asked again, straining to understand.

Agnes waited a beat before giving the air horn poised over the mouthpiece of the phone one long, shrill blast and terminating the call.

“I said you’re fired, Jay-mo.”

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

New McCormick Ranch Listing: 8070 E Via Bonita

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 15:49:42 -0700

The home you didn't think existed in McCormick Ranch not only exists, but is now for sale. Decadently remodeled and expanded, this is the rarest of creatures for these parts. A Scottsdale Real Estate unicorn, if you will. Now remain quiet and try not to make any sudden movements. You don't want to scare it away.

Got your lasso at the ready?

$569,000 - Majestic McCormick Ranch Home for Sale!

Location: Scottsdale, AZ

Love McCormick Ranch, but the typical 1970s style homes of the community ... not so much? Wish you could marry the ideal central location and abundant amenities with architecture and cosmetics a little more in keeping with today's standards? Then this home is for you.

Boasting well over 3000 square feet of remodeled excellence, the original floor plan of this Camelot home in the Palo Viento 2 subdivision of McCormick Ranch is barely recognizable. Expanded to include a bonus game room, relocated front door, expanded living room, expanded master, kitchen opened up to family room, newer roof and A/C(s), remodeled pebble-tec pool, stone and tile flooring, granite counter tops, recessed lighting throughout, stereo surround sound, plantation shutters, dual pane windows, front courtyard with water feature, rear yard with built-in BBQ and fountain, stacked stone fireplaces added to master bedroom and living room (in addition to existing fireplace in family room), additional closet added to master, popcorn ceilings scraped and retextured, pavers added in front and back yards, smooth stucco exterior ... this elegant home simply represents potential realized.

Nestled in a golf course subdivision and flanked by the community lakes and multi-use path (Camelback Walk), you are near everything you love about McCormick Ranch living.

Contact us today for a private viewing of this magnificent home.

Contact Information

Ray & Paul Slaybaugh

(480) 220-2337

Pricing

Price: $569,000

Flexibility: Negotiable

Property Location

8070 E Via Bonita

Scottsdale, AZ 85258

View Map

Features

Bedrooms: 4	Bathrooms: 2.5
Year Built: 1977	Subdivision: Palo Viento 2 (McCormick Ranch)
Lot Size: 11,995 Sq Ft	Garage Size: 2 Car
School District: Scottsdale Unified	Square Footage: 3171
Agent Name: Ray & Paul Slaybaugh	Broker: Realty Executives
MLS #: 4569616

Attributes

Appliances

Range/Oven

Full Refrigerator

Dishwasher

Sink Disposal

Microwave

Interior Amenities

Fireplace

Vaulted Ceilings

Surround Sound

Bonus / Game Room

Granite Counter Tops

Stone Flooring

Recessed Lighting

Dual Pane Windows

Walk-In Closet(s)

Jacuzzi Tub

Pantry

Exterior Amenities

Patio

Fenced Yard

Swimming Pool

Grass Lawn

Courtyard

Water Feature

Built-In BBQ

Equal Housing Opportunity

VFLYER ID: 19673001

Photo Gallery

8070 E Via Bonita
Street View
Front Courtyard
Living Room
Family Room
Kitchen / Family Room
Master
Game Room
Back Yard / Pool

Equal Housing Opportunity

VFLYER ID: 19673001

All information in this site is deemed reliable but is not guaranteed and is subject to change

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Rain Street Blues

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 11:56:15 -0700

Sergeant Druge cringed against the ungodly screeching that accompanied the last goblin to slink into the squad room. Its spiked, purple tail carved a shallow groove in the ceramic tile as it dragged limply behind.

“Long night, DARTH666,” Druge asked, tapping the lectern in front of him with a serrated claw. A quick glance at the clock on the far wall confirmed the time as 5:02 AM TST.

“Sorry, Sarge,” Darth replied as he found a seat. “Stumbled onto a new site last night.”

“And,” Druge prompted under a raised red unibrow.

“And I hit paydirt,” Darth confirmed. “Social media site for Realtors.”

Deep, wet chortles and high-pitched cackles erupted in the squad room.

“OMG,” a towering, grey-haired beast intoned from the back of the room. “Social media and Realtors? In the same place?”

“Throw in Justin Bieber and you’ve got the unholy triumvirate,” an overly caffeinated troll sneared through rotten, yellow teeth.

“Tell me more,” the sergeant commanded.

“It’s called ActiveRain,” Darth answered. “Supposedly the world’s largest Real Estate network.”

The room grew silent as the assembled throng waited with what could only be described as reverence.

“Real Estate agents, home stagers, loan officers, home inspectors, title clerks, web designers … it’s troll nirvana, sir. No offense,” Darth added, nodding his apology to the actual troll in attendance.

“None taken.”

“Were you able to make initial contact, plant a few seeds for conflict,” Druge pressed.

“I did a hell of a lot better than that, Sarge,” Darth assured him.

“Go on.”

“Well, for starters, posing as a home stager, I wrote a scathing blog post about Realtors who were too daft to enlist my services,” Darth said. “I also managed to get in a few digs about how sellers don’t need an agent if they know where to place the sofa.”

“Any bites?”

“Bites,” Darth scoffed. “Look at my dorsal fin! I haven’t gotten this chewed up since the Craigslist Affair!”

A murmur spread through the room as the ethereal underworld denizens recalled one of the proudest moments in unit history: offering a six month old human baby in trade for an X-Box and a case of Red Bull. Straight up.

“I’m still fielding death threats from that one,” GRUMBLR_00 boasted from the back of the room, his iridescent dragon scales splayed out like a peacock.

“Hell, forget threats. I’m still fielding inquires from that one,” an ashen zombie known by the handle @brainz added. “There are some really sick puppies out there.”

“Alright, let’s stay on target, mutants,” Druge decreed. “Continue, please, DARTH666.”

“After the home stager showdown, I was too jazzed to sleep,” Darth admitted. “So I decided to go back in as an SEO expert who didn’t know anything about SEO.”

“SEO?”

“Search engine optimization,” Darth informed the befuddled sergeant. “All of these Real Estate morons are gaga for it. Apparently think it’s the panacea that stands between their past due electric bill and riches beyond their wildest dreams.”

“And?”

“And lightning struck twice,” Darth informed him. “This time, though, it came down from the skies as if from the hammer of Thor himself. Vile email exchanges, slanderous accusations of slander, threats of lawsuits … it … it …,” he trailed off as his Adam’s appleless gullet choked up.

“… it was the greatest night of my life,” he finally managed to croak.

Completely spent, Darth slumped back in his chair. The small horns protruding from his forehead appeared to wilt with fatigue.

“Great work, six six six,” Druge beamed. “I want you to take the day off. You’ve earned it.”

“But, sir, I can go,” Darth objected.

“Absolutely not,” Druge responded. “Take your purple ass home and get some sleep. That’s an order. We’re going to need you tomorrow bright and early.”

Darth gingerly rose and shuffled out of the room, paws clapping him on the back as he went.

“Assignments,” Druge bellowed as Darth pushed through the door and out of the squad room. “IAMDOOM11, YELLOWSNOWMAN!”

“Sir,” two voices replied; one high, one low.

“I want you two on the Twitter beat. See if you can’t pick another fight with Anderson Cooper.”

“Yes, sir!”

“BEETLEGEUSE84, STREISAND4DATASS!”

“Sir!”

“I want you on Facebook patrol. Follow up on friend requests and spam anyone who recently accepted with erectile disfunction prescription drug links.”

“Yes, sir!”

“SEMISAUCY, CAREBEARSFOREVER!”

“Sir!”

“You’re on MySpace. See if you can find it in you to call a twelve year old a jerk today.”

“MySpace again, sir? But no one even goes there anymore!”

“Exactly,” Druge retorted, closing his eye in exasperation. “When you two are ready to start acting like trolls, I’ll start start treating you like trolls. Until then, it's daycare duty. Got it? Now go pull someone’s hair.”

“Yes, sir,” the pair sighed.

“I want everyone else on this ActiveRain site from dawn until dusk,” Druge ordered.

“But, sir,” a gorgon named BCSTONER objected, its hair hissing. “It’s my day to pick up the little monsters from school.”

“Better call the sitter,” Druge advised. “We’re all pulling doubles.”

A collective groan rose in the room.

“None of that now,” Druge reprimanded his charges. “This site could make the career of every troll in this room. We don't want those posers at CORI getting there first, do we?"

A few murmured "nos" greeted his invocation of their rivals at the Center for Online Riot Instigation.

"Do we?"

"No," the group boomed in unison.

"I didn't think so," Druge approved. "Now let’s show the virtual world how we do it here in the Mariana Trench!”

The room burst into action as monsters and ghouls arose to tackle the day, all hesitance forgotten as they shuffled/lurched/slid towards their consoles. Complaints about the long day ahead replaced with excited chatter.

“And hey,” Druge bellowed over the din. “Let’s be careless out there.”

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Just Listed For Sale in McCormick Ranch ... The Exception

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 18:48:02 -0700

Peanut butter and jelly. Cookies and cream. Cheech and Chong.

Such combinations prove the adage that the whole may indeed be greater than the sum of its parts on occasion.

In the Scottsdale Real Estate world, that truth is readily apparent in some of the older master planned communities. Take McCormick Ranch, for instance. When considered in conjunction with the lakes, greenbelts, parks, shopping, award-winning schools and central location, some of the older properties that fall within its boundaries are far more desirable than they would be elsewhere in the Valley.

Because, let's face it, 1970s architecture is sometimes better left in the 1970s.

So if the dated homes that fall within desirable communities are given a boost for their address, what do you get when you add the variable of rennovation to the equation? And an exceptional lot? And a unique floor plan that you would be hard-pressed to find anywhere else in the community?

You get our one-of-a-kind new McCormick Ranch listing, that's what.

You've been told that you'll have to make compromises to get the home you want in the neighborhood you want for the price you want. Well, you know what?

Compromise is overrated.

Boasting over 2800 square feet of remodeled decadence, this four bedroom gem greets you at the front door with soaring valuted ceilings and a two-way fireplace. The wide open kitchen looks out to the living, dining and family rooms. No dated laminate counter tops or 1970s avocado appliances here, but slab granite and stainless steel.

The master suite is a monster by McCormick Ranch standards, and features a fully remodeled bath with travertine stone, granite top vanities and vessel sinks for a sumptuous retreat.

Hardly a one trick pony that hides its newer interior inside a dated shell, the home's exterior features smooth stucco and a newer roof (2006) in addition to newer A/C.

This home in this location would be special enough, but it has the good sense to reside on a 1/3 acre (nearly 15,000 square feet) North / South cul-de-sac lot. Like a big back yard for entertaining or just to get away from the world? You'll have all the room you need between the large covered patio, pool & spa area and two separate lawn areas that are each as large as the typical back yard by themselves.

Oh, and one last thing. This anomaly has a 3 car garage.

Yes, you heard me correctly: a 3 car garage in McCormick Ranch.

While many properties in this sought after community will have an achilles heel, as is to be expected of 30 year old homes, you'll be hard pressed to find one here.

But don't take my word for it. I'm a salesman. Give me a call or drop me an email to learn more about this special McCormick Ranch home, or to schedule a viewng today. Coffee's on me if you think I've puffed the goods.

8401 N 86th Way, Scottsdale, AZ 85258

MLS# 4552458

Property Features

4 Bedrooms
2867 Sq Ft (Approximate)
3 Car Garage
Living Room / Family Room / Dining Room
Pool & Spa
Cul-De-Sac Lot
1/3 Acre
Vaulted Ceilings
Newer Roof & A/C
Granite and Travertine and Porcelain ... Oh my!
Chaparral High School District
Lake Communitiy
Golf Community
Multi-Use Paths
Greenbelt

Offered for sale at $495,900

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Walter Deklan's Great Escape

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 11:04:02 -0800

Sully strolled into the dingy office bullpen ten minutes late with his cell phone glued to his ear. He held up a well-tanned finger to still the chatter around him.

“I don’t care if you have to charter a rowboat and pick them up yourself, just get’em here by tomorrow or so help me God I’ll bury the lob wedge so far up your backside you’ll need a proctologist for a caddy,” he threatened, terminating the call.

“What did I miss,” he asked of no one in particular, surveying the room through designer Ray Bans before lowering his head to practice his golf swing.

“Nice of you to grace us with your presence, Sullivan,” Walter Deklan, the office manager, said by way of a welcome. “We were just reviewing goal achievement for the accountability program that corporate introduced last month.”

“Accountability program, pfft,” Sully scoffed. “I don’t need any accountant to tell me my last five hundred bucks just went to re-gripping my Pings. Right?” He nudged the constipated-looking man in the too tight corduroy pants standing next to him.

“How many deals you close this year, Sullivan,” Deklan asked.

“Including the Palmer transaction? None, but it’s only May,” he shrugged and moved on to practicing his short game.

“Perkins, your turn,” Deklan announced, adjusting the knot of the faded royal blue and gold striped tie his son had given him for his forty fifth birthday.

Bodies parted, revealing a small man in the back of the room. His hawkish nose was buried in an iPhone.

“Perkins?”

The little man didn’t flinch.

“Perkins!”

Perkins’ head snapped up, bifocals sliding down the sharp bridge of his beak.

“Oh sorry, just checking in on Foursquare,” he said, nervously pushing the glasses back into place.

“Did you meet the goals we set last week,” Deklan asked.

“Well actually,” Perkins began, swelling beyond his full five feet four inches. “I exceeded them.”

“That’s great, Sidney,” Deklan lauded. “So you made all your calls? Mailed all your letters?”

“Well, not exactly,” Perkins answered. “Phone calls, handwritten notes, pop-ins … that old school stuff might have worked back in your day, but it’s all about the internet now.”

Deklan buried his face in his hands, silently counting to ten as he was apt to do when the kids would shave their names into the dog, or write “FART” on the living room wall in purple crayon.

“So what did you do this week, Sidney,” he asked upon reaching seven.

“Thought you’d never ask,” Perkins squeaked. “This week alone, I composed six hundred and forty two tweets, wrote twelve blog posts and added fifty nine new connections on Linked-In.”

Deklan stared at the second year agent.

“You didn’t make a single sales call?”

“No offense, Dek, but listen to yourself,” Perkins challenged, feeling his oats. “Who makes sales calls anymore? In case you haven’t noticed, everybody is online these days. A place where I happen to be a pretty big deal.”

“Is that right,” Deklan asked.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Perkins assured him. “I just crossed twenty five hundred Facebook friends. I’ve got seven hundred and fifty blog subscribers, and over eleven thousand Twitter followers.”

“And one piece of shit rental listing,” Deklan added.

Perkins blanched, his bulging hazel eyes magnified behind the thick glasses. Rescued from the humiliation by the buzzing of his handheld, he swallowed hard and retreated into his virtual kingdom.

“Make sure to tell all your followers about being the mayor of No New Business,” Deklan suggested, unable to resist the dig.

“How about you, Sheila,” he asked the aggressively dour woman standing directly in front of him with arms crossed. “Did you set aside two hours per day to preview property like we discussed?”

“Cut the crap, Walter,” she snarled. “Nobody wants to talk about your stupid goals. If we needed a guidance counselor, we’d go back to high school.”

A few scattered chuckles confirmed the assertion.

“I know it may seem foolish, Sheila, but the simple stuff works. If you want to be a top producer, you have to do the things that top produ-”

“We’re still out of hazelnut,” she interrupted, seething.

“What?”

“We’ve been out for a month,” she informed him. “Funny it’s the one flavor that always gets forgotten when I’m the only one who drinks it.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Sheila.” Deklan began, incredulous. “I place new orders on the first and the fifteenth, and I always include extra packets of-”

“Never a mix up with the Columbian or the French Roast,” she noted. “Just the hazelnut.”

“And these chairs,” she went on, her shrill voice climbing. “Are you waiting for my L4 vertebra to fall completely out before you get around to doing anything about them?”

“Like I said last week, we’re in the middle of a recession here, Sheila,” Deklan began patiently. “We don’t have the mone-”

“Liar,” she screeched, pointing an arthritic finger at the beleaguered office manager. “You managed to find enough of our money for the new sofa in the lobby, didn’t you?”

“What would you have the clients do,” Deklan demanded, his blood beginning to boil. “Sit criss-cross applesauce on the floor? I bought that couch for ten bucks at an estate sale in Old Town. Dragged it in here on my day off.”

She dismissed him with the flick of a bony wrist.

“And why does Clarissa get to bring that mangy fleabag of hers into the office if I can’t bring my Mister Whiskers?”

“It’s a guide dog for chrissakes,” Deklan railed, glancing at the golden retriever sitting at the foot of a heavy-set woman wearing a floral patterned sundress and staring at the wall.

“Hear me well, people,” he announced. “Out of the twelve local branches, we were eleventh in production last quarter. Eleventh! Only the charity cases at Town and Country sold less than us, and they’ve been closed since November on account of the fire!”

“Freaking Obama,” Sully opined. “Things will turn around once we vote that bum out of office. Just gotta ride the storm out until twenty twelve.”

A deafening clanging reverberated throughout the office. All turned to see a chubby part-time agent named Herbert Dobbler ringing the sales bell for all he was worth. He wore a black t-shirt with red lettering that said I’m With @ Stupid.

“Winner, winner, chicken dinner,” Dobbler shouted.

“Okay, okay,” Deklan pleaded, palms out as he tried to restore order. “Can we please get back to-”

“Oh Captain, my Captain,” Dobbler cried before launching another salvo with the bell. “The Dead Realtor Society is hereby called to order!”

The chords on Deklan’s neck reared up like angry cobras as peels of laughter erupted from all corners of the bullpen.

“Two thousand eleven … going once,” Dobbler howled. “Going twice!”

Deklan blinked hard, once. A change coming over his normally genial face.

“Sold,” Dobbler hollered, ringing the bell to punctuate the joke. “To the gentleman in the black robe with a scythe!”

More laughter.

“You know what, that’s it,” Deklan declared, his icy voice barely audible above the raucous din. “If you want to sit in your cubicles complaining about the market and the coffee all day, go right ahead, but I’m not going down with the ship!”

He tore off his tie and threw it to the floor.

“You want to tweet about the movie you saw last night and call it networking, be my guest,” he boomed. “You want to optimize your websites, but not answer the phone when it actually rings? Knock yourselves out!”

He removed a highly polished black wingtip and hurled it across the room, causing three terrified sales associates to duck.

“I bring in top shelf instructors, cater lunch for you mooches, give you all I’ve got from thirty years of sales experience in every kind of market you can dream of, and for what? For you to think about selling a house every other leap year when you’re not too busy working on your slice or stumping for Bring Your Cat to Work Day?”

Deklan turned on a folding table that supported a veggie platter and tray of lukewarm cold cuts. He crammed three rolls of smoked turkey into his mouth before upending the entire spread.

“Well, guess what, kids,” he resumed, Butterbean-flecked spittle bursting from his mouth. “Class is dismissed! As of five minutes ago, I no longer work at this daycare for the criminally idiotic. Good luck. Best wishes. Try not to eat the plants. Deklan out!”

He tore the company nametag off the breast of his dress shirt, leaving a ragged hole in the white fabric, and stormed down the hall. One heel clicking each time it touched down on the porcelain tile, the other silent.

“Make sure to wave when you greet me at Walmart next week,” Deklan shouted over his shoulder as he darted into the break room. The sound of smashing glass carried back to the bullpen.

“Coffee pot,” Sheila whispered in horror.

“Vending machine still owe you that Diet Coke, Arturo,” Deklan bellowed before a flying soda can exploded against the far wall of the hallway.

Thirty more seconds of indiscriminate thrashing and their former manager appeared as a silhouette against the floor to ceiling window in the front lobby. He was hunched over, holding something heavy. It was his bare ass.

“Look, ma! I’m the mayor of SAYONARA SUCKERS,” Deklan yelled before straightening up, ripping the fax machine off the secretary's desk and heaving it through the window, an ungodly crash punctuating the lethal shower of tinted glass. He kicked out half a dozen stubborn shards with his stockinged foot, ducked through the jagged opening and disappeared into the midday sun, leaving a faint trail of blood in his wake.

A pronounced silence filled the decimated office, shell-shocked agents searching each other’s faces for confirmation of what they just saw.

At last, a low, reverent whistle escaped Dobbler’s lips, breaking the spell.

“Winning,” he breathed.

“So,” Sully prompted his bewildered colleagues, twisting his heels into non-existent sand to practice his bunker shots. “Eight months … who had the under?”

“That would be me,” Sheila answered, cracking her first smile of the year.

Clarissa stood and lumbered to the water cooler without assistance, her pupils engaged and focused as she retrieved a paper cup from the dispenser.

“Think downtown will wise up and hire in-house this time,” she asked between sips.

“Beats me,” Perkins snickered. “But I am so tweeting this.”

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

50 Things I've Learned Since 2007

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 13:19:50 -0800

Let's face it, anyone associated with the Real Estate industry over the past few years has a story worth telling. Unwitting witnesses to the fifty car pileup that has brought gridlock upon the highway to the American Dream, we owe it to consumers and historians alike to relate our first-hand accounts of the carnage.

Or at least squeeze the sweeping financial tragedy for a few yuks.

Follow me back to the Scottsdale Property Shop to read up on the 50 Things I've Learned Since 2007.

Because life is too short not to take comfort in the misfortune of others.

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

The Definitive Scottsdale Real Estate Glossary

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 13:21:42 -0800

Ever think your Scottsdale Real Estate agent is speaking Klingon when parsing out those cryptic acronyms and assorted colloquialisms of nonsensical industry jargon?

You are not alone.

Typical of the human condition, we Realtor types tend to assume everyone knows what we are talking about even though most consumers only think about Real Estate when it's time to buy, sell or refinance a house. In other words, maybe once every five to seven years on average.

As such, it is not surprising that there is often a disconnect between the shop-talking industry insider and the consumer who doesn't know a RESPA from a Vespa, an ARM from a leg. Thus, a project that was long overdue for our clients and soon-to-be-clients (it's easier if you don't fight), we at the Scottsdale Property Shop give to you the more or less complete glossary of local AZ Real Estate terminology.

As you wouldn't expect any less (or more) of me, I've managed to slip in a few bogus definitions amongst the legitimate ones. I owe the first person who picks out all the ringers (leave your guesses in the comment section of the post, not here) a beer.

Scottsdale Real Estate Terms and Definitions

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Sources: REALTOR Reintegration Scheduled for Scottsdale Market in 2013

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 19:06:53 -0800

Feb 9, 2013 09:45 AM

Disassociative Press

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

SCOTTSDALE (DP) – A four year federal wildlife program to rehabilitate the sagging numbers of a local animal population has proven to be a rousing success, according to Slade Winders of the Department of Herpetology. Non-indigenous to the Sonoran Desert, Realtus Serpentes is believed to have first been introduced to Arizona shortly after the Gadsden Purchase in 1853 by a traveling circus on tour out of Toledo, OH. An aggressive reptilian known commonly as “REALTOR,” Realtus Serpentes wasted little time overrunning the desert terrain, specifically the densely populated metro areas, earning the apex predator a fast reputation as a nuisance species.

Read the full report at the Scottsdale Property Shop

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

The Poltergeist Home Inspection Report

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 15:54:42 -0800

Okay, so I chickened out on losing my Rainmaker status by not posting something in 90 days. As such, here is a quarterly effort. To catch my schtick, visit me at the Scottsdale Property Shop.

See you in three months, AR.

__________________________________________________________________________

(1)

Date of Inspection: 1/5/11

Premises: 666 S. Hanson LN, Scottsdale, AZ 85258

Client: Scheptich, Myron

Present At Time of Inspection: Buyer, Buyer’s Agent, Malevolent Spirit(s)

Start Time: 1:57 PM MST

Weather Conditions: 72F degrees, clear skies, light winds out of the SE.

*Note: Findings limited to visible observations of property condition at the time of inspection. Lemonbusters, LLC not responsible for property deficiencies discovered subsequent to the date noted on line 1 of this report. Damages for errors and omissions limited to the cost of inspection.

Grounds

Distinguishing Lot Characteristic: Hillside

SW corner of property bisected by natural arroyo. Recommend additional investigation to determine if designated flood plain.

Possible earth fissure detected in east side yard between garden and block wall along property line.

Front and rear sprinkler systems detected, but not tested.

Note: Homesite familiar to inspector - believes his great aunt Stella may have been buried in the atrium. Possible explanation for faulty grade present at that location.

Exterior Structure

Heaving to concrete slab of front sidewalk and separations at the north stem wall of the home indicate possible settling issues. Recommend further investigation by structural engineer to determine presence of expansive soil and extent of damage to foundation.

___________________________________________________________________________

(2)

Main Roof

Concrete tile applied over underlayment. Noted three (3) cracked tiles on southern slope (photos 1a & 1b). Vent stack penetrations require resealing. Improper flashing in valleys. Recommend evaluation and repair by licensed roofer.

Garage

Standard two-car stall with attached utility room. Slight discoloration in concrete noted, likely motor oil.

Attic access limited by ectoplasmic resin. Ominous thumping and disembodied caterwauling in crawlspace between trusses not inspected.

Water heater functional, but nearing the end of its useful life. Manufacturer's label indicates 13 years old. Unit speaks indecipherable dead language not recognized by Western civilization at the time of this inspection.

Interior – Kitchen

Vent stack from fan hood terminates in the attic, resulting in improper ventilation. Recommend repairs.

Kitchen outlets not GFCI protected. Code did not mandate at time of construction, but recommend consultation with licensed electrician to assess safety hazard.

Flooring slab appears to be notably off-level as chairs observed sliding from one end of the room to another throughout the course of the inspection. (photos 2a, 2b, 2c, 2d, 2e, 2f)

Anti-tip device not installed at range/oven.

Interior – Master Bath

Left master sink slow draining.

Tub/shower diverter valve not functional.

Water shut off valves frozen at both sinks.

Recommend evaluation and repairs by licensed plumber.

Interior – Hall Bath

Toilet runs after flushing. Literally. Recommend securing base to floor with reinforced lag bolts.

Interior – Family Room

Cracked picture window at west wall has breached seal and fogging between the panes. Recommend repair/replacement.

Appearance of two restless apparitions noted at stairwell. Unable to make definitive age determination.

__________________________________________________________________________

(3)

Interior – Bedroom 2

Damage to drywall at south wall (photo 3a).

Heavy staining to carpet (cosmetic) (photo 3b).

Interior – Bedroom 3

Demonic entity precluded inspection of walk-in closet. Recommend seller make accessible prior to final walk-through.

Air/Heat

Ambient temperature allowed for unit to be tested in both heating and cooling modes. Unit functioned properly in heating mode, but did not attain optimal temperature split in cooling mode. Recommend evaluation and service by licensed HVAC tech.

Electrical System (Main)

Sixteen double taps (two circuits running to the same breaker) located in the main panel. Panel improperly grounded to the underworld.

220V line for the dryer improperly wired to rheostat.

Multiple instances of 60W bulbs in ceiling fans and wall sconces illuminating past structural limitations and shattering. Recommend capping exposed wiring until replacement bulbs can be installed and cause determined.

Reversed polarity at "half-hot" outlet in den. Improper splicing of the 110V line at the same outlet appears to power the portal to hell in the sub-floor. This would be considered faulty installation.

Recommend complete evaluation of electrical system by licensed electrician.

Pool

“Pops” in plaster appear to represent cosmetic deterioration. Recommend monitoring for further degradation or appearance of rebar staining.

Pool motor not grounded.

Backwash valve leaks when activated, allowing for possible release of E.V.I.L. (known carcinogen) into the ecosystem. Recommend replacing packing nut and hosing any/all displaced life force off cool deck. Further recommend upgrading from carbon to "DH" filter to improve overall filtration and water quality.

Inspection of main drain cut short by chanting and otherworldly green glow emanating beneath its housing. Original contractor appears to have only moved the head stones. Recommend licensed contractor exhume and relocate bodies of trapped spirits to undeveloped neighboring plot.

Review of entire pool system required by licensed pool contractor.

___________________________________________________________________________

(4)

General Observations

Home is in overall good structural condition with several action items that require immediate attention. In addition to the findings noted previously in this report, inspector recommends burning sage in all four corners of each room and consulting with licensed shaman for proper incantation/invoking of ancestors.

As exorcism typically falls outside the scope of standard home warranty policies, recommend paying for extended Max Von Sydow coverage.

Dead cypress tree outside bedroom 3 window too close to structure. Possible root penetration and moisture damage to foundation. This species of tree has been known to come to life during violent thunderstorms and devour children. Recommend consultation with professional arborist about relocating elsewhere on the premises.

In the event “they’re here” or ever become “here,” inspector recommends professional remediation by licensed exterminator.

Front door latch sticks.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Lemonbusters, LLC is a division of WTF? Inspections, Inc (subsidiary of Def Door Jam Productions).

*Lemonbusters is not responsible for supernatural occurrences and/or the actions/findings of our referral partners in the psychic realm. Should your home be declared clean by a third party affiliate, Lemonbusters, LLC is in no way liable should your child subsequently be attacked and dragged under his/her bed by a maniacal clown.

*Lemonbusters recommends consulting a specialist prior to going into and/or staying away from the light.

*Please direct any and all questions regarding this report to the Department of You're Screwed.

Congratulations, and good luck with your new home!

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Agents Are From Mars, Consumers Are From Venezuela

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 18:53:15 -0700

It is human nature to view oneself in terms of value, and others in terms of cost. This paradox is never more evident than in a business setting. No exception to the rule, Real Estate agents and consumers must coexist in an arena of disparate interests and subjective truths. In the search for common ground, full transparency is prerequisite. Let us peel back the veneer on the agent/consumer dynamic to uncover overlapping tenets of these competing psyches. Only through complete understanding of each other's motivation can we better function as one cohesive unit.

What agents look for in their clients

Buyers: Ideally you will be a type A personality. You know exactly what you want in a house, and you do not deviate from script. If you cannot find what you want in your price range, you open up the purse strings further or you start eliminating wants until you find the closest facsimile of the perfect home. As you require no outside validation of the wisdom of your decisions, multiple trips to the home that appears to be “the one” are unnecessary. You will know it on sight, and eschew the stamp of approval from mom & dad, sister Rebecca and the guy from accounting whose cousin was licensed in Indiana seventeen years ago. You adopt my negotiation strategy as your own and forward documents to your lender that have not been requested yet. You invite me to the housewarming party and introduce me to the assembled guests as “the man.” You flag down random people in the street and tell them to call me if they ever so much as think of buying a house.

Sellers: Four years of home ownership have mellowed you considerably. Now entrenched in the type B camp, you require a spotter when double knotting your shoes. You pull over in traffic when cars get too close, and you don’t answer the front door for fear that you will purchase yet another set of encyclopedias from the nice salesman who won’t take no for an answer. You cower when I produce the latest sales data from the neighborhood, and thank me when the mathematical beating isn’t as severe as you had anticipated. You don’t question why I no longer advertise in magazines or newspapers, and offer to paint and recarpet the house just prior to listing it for 10k less than my suggested price. You thank buyers for coming when they show up unannounced and leave the country when given advanced notice of a showing. Venezuela sure is nice this time of year. You greet the news of a roof that fails inspection with, “Whatever,” and cheerfully reduce the price by 15k. You show up for the closing with Cuban cigars and a 5k agent bonus.

What consumers look for in their agents

Buyer’s Agents: You will show me every g&^%#n house between here and Pluto if I ask you to and won’t pry into my finances. I already told you I’m good for it. Be a good little agent and open some doors for me. I’ll do the rest. You’ll happily kick me back half of your fee, overpaid cabbie that you are, because you didn’t really do anything. If I want to offer 250k on a 500k short sale, don’t argue with me. I’ll paint this whole town with magenta ink over the course of the next two years if that’s what it takes to find a dance partner. Hope you’ve got your contract writing hand limber over there, Scooter, because it's macarena time. And since I’m dropping every frigging cent I have into the down payment on this joint, a new refrigerator at closing wouldn’t go unnoticed. Or at least a box of chocolates and a smooch, you cheap SOB.

Listing Agents: I’ve already been on Zillow. I know what it’s worth. I’ll give you twenty bucks to put it on the MLS. Twenty five if you sell it above current appraisal within one hour. Be a champ and send me daily receipts of your advertising expenses so I can verify that you are meeting the 10k per week quota that will get us noticed. You keep telling me that no one uses print advertising anymore, but it couldn’t hurt, right? My great aunt Mildred purchased her first house in 1946 off an ad in the penny saver. Don’t tell me it’s not in the budget when there’s eighty thousand dollar’s worth of foreign SUV parked in front of my house right now.

Oh, and turn off the f*&#^%g lights after showings.

Conclusion: Humans are inherently flawed and destined to nuke the earth over a Yahtzee dispute. Capitalistic Kumbaya in the Real Estate sector remains as likely as Gigli II.

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Pocket

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 15:28:49 -0700

There is a hole in my front pocket.

At least, I think there is. What other explanation for the coins and keepsakes that litter the ground in my wake? Marking the passage of otherwise inaudible footfalls. What started with the occasional lost memento - a nickel here, a baby tooth there - grows larger with each step. As do the forfeited items. Ticket stubs to shows I’d never forget. An imperfect conch shell that whispered of perfect faraway lands. First dances. Last rites. Every new deposited curiosity forcing an older one out of the bottom. In time, the collectibles will barely ripple the frayed fabric as they pass straight through these faded jeans. I’ll turn to retrieve all that was lost, only to find a history scattered to the winds.

And she’ll pull me from the reverie with a gentle squeeze of my hand. A sly smile to coax one more block out of tired legs. For more trinkets await discovery around the next bend.

Happy Anniversary, babe. I love you.

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

All Stocked Up On Lions, Send More Christians

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 16:22:29 -0700

“Good afternoon, Scottsdale. This is Paul Slaybaugh reporting live from the mouth of a saber-toothed tiger.”

“While waiting for an underwriter to emerge from the bowels of the Real Estate Colosseum to give the thumbs up or thumbs down to a pair of prostrate gladiators, we break from the action to report on the day’s proceedings.”

“With two more famished lion versus catnip-dipped slave matchups slated for the lunch hour crowd, the tally currently stands at Man: 0, Beasts: 137. Looked like Buyer #42 was going to get the humans in the win column for a few fleeting moments, but ultimately, the three-headed Cerberus of Ben Bernanke, Bank of America and Fran Drescher (come on, you know she has something to do with this) proved too much for the plucky upstart. Once he slipped on the appraisal banana peel, it was all over.”

“What’s this? The assembled crowd is now doing the wave? Oh, scratch that … the bank is simply asking for another volunteer. Given the constant drumbeat of low prices and low rates, there is no shortage of potential grease for the machine amongst their ranks. Looks like we have a new entrant, too. Good credit, steady employment with solid income. Ladies and gentleman, could this be our champion who navigates the gauntlet?”

“Hmm … they are trying to match him up with a property that has been flipped within the last 90 days. The seller stands to make 250k without adding a single documentable dollar's worth of renovation.”

“That’s okay, he has 20% down in cash! He’s going to make it!”

“Oh, no … no, no, no! This is terrible! The bank just got wind that he has negative equity in his current home! The underwriter smells a buy and bail! Additional documentation is being requested!”

“Hurry, lad! The rabid dingoes are gaining on you!”

“What’s this? He’s got a lease! He has a signed lease to demonstrate that his existing home will be used as a rental! I can’t quite make out the figures from here, but it appears that it might be close to a break even!”

“Fax it over, son! For the love of God, the monkeys riding the dingoes have you in the cross hairs of their slingshots!”

“It’s sent! But no confirmation! Oh, this is horrible, I can hardly bear to watch! He’s sending it again! This time to the underwriter, his loan officer, his agent, the title company and the Surgeon General via fax, email, direct mail and carrier pigeon!”

“Look at this cool cucumber, he thought a step ahead and forwarded a sample of his third grade teacher’s DNA to the bank’s CSI lab!”

“The package is complete! The wolverines sitting atop the monkeys atop the dingoes are within leaping distance! It’s going to be a photo finish!”

“As the underwriter lumbers back to his perch and waits for the gratifying hush to fall over the crowd, all eyes are directed to the clammy arm that stretches from his blood-flecked toga. He makes a fist, save for the extended thumb, and slowly wiggles it up and down, gaging the reaction from the ravenous throng. Does he file those teeth?”

“Yea or nay, what will it be? The suspense is killing this reporter!”

“Looks like it’s going to be …

... connection ... reaking up ..."

<transmission interrupted>

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

McCormick Ranch Foreclosure Homes Hotsheet

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 11:50:22 -0700

In the market for a McCormick Ranch home? Intrigued by the bargains everyone keeps telling you about in the foreclosure / bank owned property arena?

Follow me to the Scottsdale Property Shop for the daily McCormick Ranch Foreclosure Home Hotsheet!

Contrary to other segments of the current Scottsdale Real Estate market, the low-priced foreclosure arena is teeming with demand, and the best values come and go in the blink of an eye. Stay on top of new McCormick Ranch foreclosure listings as soon as they hit the market so you don't miss another one!

Follow the link below and bookmark the page to come back as frequently as you like to see the most recent arrivals. No site registration is required, so you can peruse each new batch in peace. Should you locate a property that you wish to pursue, or learn more information about, you are in luck. Ray & Paul Slaybaugh, the agents behind both McCormick Ranch Home and The Scottsdale Property Shop, have nearly 50 combined years of experience specializing in the McCormick Ranch Real Estate market.

Whether it's a foreclosure property or a typical mom & pop resale home you are after, no one know McCormick Ranch Real Estate like Ray & Paul. No one.

Browse the McCormick Ranch Foreclosure Home Hotsheet Now!

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Introducing The Scottsdale Foreclosure Hotsheet: Daily Listing Updates!

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 20:28:00 -0700

Unless you are the Scottsdale home buyer who is like the one dentist out of ten who does not prefer an Oral B toothbrush, odds are you have at least a passing interest in the Scottsdale foreclosure home market.

While your best bet to stay on top of inventory is to work with a top notch Scottsdale Real Estate agent <cough, cough>, I know that you like to moonlight as an Internet home shopper at all hours of the night. Who doesn't like logging on and cruising the big search sites instead of waiting around impatiently for news from said agent about the latest listings?

Recognizing that even those wise souls who have enlisted the services of a Realtor <cough, cough> to serve as a home buying sherpa enjoy running parallel investigations, I have created the Scottsdale Foreclosure Hotsheet.

Updated daily, you can check back as often as you like (no sign up required) to see the latest Scottsdale foreclosure home listings to hit the market.

Want to take charge of your home search? Follow me back to the Scottsdale Property Shop via the link below to find out about the latest bargains before someone else snatches them up!

Scottsdale Foreclosure Hotsheet

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Is That Home Really For Sale?

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 12:22:21 -0700

Is that home really for sale?

It sure looks like it is. There’s a sign in the yard, property information on the internet, an asking price and everything. The comings and goings of Real Estatey type people with wide eyed gawkers in tow confirms that the quaint Spanish hacienda is looking for a new owner.

Or is it?

There is a disturbing new trend in the Scottsdale Real Estate scene: the fictitious short sale listing.

By now, anyone who is not somewhat up to speed on the short sale market should be stoned to death with the rock under which he has been sleeping. Get used to them, people, as they are not going anywhere anytime soon. Though we all know the uncertainties and complexities involved in such a transaction mean that the listed price is not necessarily the real price, we generally take for granted that a seller is actually interested in selling.

Given the rise in anecdotal reports of would be sellers who haven’t made payments in two years while attempting to consummate short sales, you can imagine what the more entrepreneurial freeloaders in our midst have concluded: going through the motions of a short sale for the sake of appearances can keep the bank off one’s back while he lives rent free for as long as the ruse will allow.

Financial institutions are not so naive to believe such subterfuge never happens, so it typically takes a viable offer on a property to postpone a trustee’s sale (Arizona’s version of a foreclosure). That’s where you, the buyer, come in. For the “seller” interested in staying in the payment-free property for as long as possible, the facade entails the procurement of an offer for submission to the bank. Whether the seller intends to actually complete the sale or not.

In essence, the prospective buyer could get strung along for months by a seller who is just buying time. Or stealing time, I should say.

Perhaps his credit is already damaged beyond repair. Perhaps he doesn’t want to bring any of the money to the table that the bank demands. Perhaps he does not qualify for the short sale at all (yes, a seller does have to meet certain qualifications to gain bank approval). Perhaps the seller is simply bitter beyond reason and unwilling to let some buyer have his home for pennies on the dollar. Whatever the reason, there are properties on the market that aren’t really available.

How do you identify those shiftless wasters of time before embroiling yourself in a slow, emotional death? There are a few tactics that a competent buyer’s agent will employ when separating fact from fiction on a short sale offering, but none is foolproof. Short of peering into homeowner’s soul, all one can do is take basic precautions to assess the viability of a sale. Unfortunately, the determination of what the owner can do is not necessarily indicative of what he will do.

The guy could be dealing with you in good faith, or he could simply be using your offer to delay his inevitable foreclosure.

My advice? If you are going to go the short sale route, start with properties that have been through the process to the point that they have a bank approved price attached. One way of the other, the process will resolve itself with considerably more haste once the bank has assigned an acceptable price to the property. If the seller is still playing games at this point, he is running out of room to maneuver. Moreover, to reach this point, most are actually committed to the process.

If you fall in love with a home that has not yet been approved for a short sale by the bank, make sure the appropriate questions are asked and answered and that the listing agent has a competent record of successful short sale transactions. The good ones are adept at separating the viable candidates from the disingenuous types as they have a vested interest in getting the transaction to the closing table as well.

At the end of the day, though, you just never know what is in store from one short sale to the next. With all of the variables to contend with in the best of circumstances, adding the integrity and intention of the seller to the list of concerns is almost comical in a tragically masochistic sense. All the more reason I recommend avoiding the short sale quagmire unless all other avenues have been exhausted.

It’s a beautiful home alright, but is it really for sale?

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Is It Time to List Buyers in the MLS?

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 11:18:53 -0700

Is it time for an MLS database of active buyers?

I ponder this on the heels of difficulties in locating quality resale homes amidst the bank owned rubble of today's market.

We have long been beholden to the seller in the Real Estate hierarchy as a home listing sets all subsequent wheels in motion. Cooperating agents are alerted to the new offering. Those agents, in turn, seek matches for the property against their current active buyer rolodex.

Is it time we fully turned that seller oriented paradigm on its ear?

I'm wondering if I'm alone in my thinking when I posit that it would be beneficial to reach agents via the broad scale of the MLS with our buyer needs. We tout such needs at office meetings and tour groups, so why not disseminate them across a collective platform? No need to be strictly beholden to the current crop of listings when we could create a database for all agents to peruse based on buyer specific criteria (location, price, size, etc preferences). In addition to helping match up buyers with forthcoming properties that have yet to hit the market, I imagine such a beast could help potential sellers gauge the level of demand for their properties prior to "testing the market." What a tremendous listing tool as well. Imagine looking through the day's hotsheet for new buyer needs to find a potential match for a would-be seller who has been on the fence about putting his home on the market.

"Mr. Seller, there are now 7 listed buyers for a home that fits your exact parameters. That is up from 3 last month. It's time to throw this thing on the market."

In this regard, such a dual database of homes for sale and active buyers could serve the interests of both parties. A seller could opt to keep the general public at bay and make his home available only to those buyers his listing agent targets as candidates (no sign in the yard, no nosey neighbors, no showings with little to no notice), and a buyer could tap into the burgeoning inventory of almost sellers.

If we are to consider the Multiple Listing Service as Match.com for Real Estate buyers and sellers, why does half of that equation gets the benefit of perusing the pictures and profiles of prospective mates while keeping their own buckteeth hidden behind a pixelated avatar?

Precautions would have to be taken for privacy concerns, of course, but such obstacles are not insurmountable. Only buyers signed to Exclusive Buyer Brokerage Agreements would constitute suitable "listing" candidates.

What say you forward thinkers of Active Rain, care to join me for some impromptu brainstorming? Is it time for dual databases for buyers and sellers?

Or have I been eating too many paint chips again?

_________________________________________________________________________________

Quick aside: it was mentioned on my outside blog that we already largely have this capability with reverse prospecting via buyer searches, but I'm curious about upgrading the scope to a fully functional and highly utilized database of active buyers.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Sign Here

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 12:13:44 -0700

“Sign here, please. And here. Initial here, please. Date. Super, I’ll email this to the listing agent, and we should get an answer within three to five business days.”

There is no arguing that the inexorable march of technology has merged with the increasingly corporate backdrop of the Real Estate world to metastasize into an impersonal cancer of convenience. With REO agents, short sale agents and, well, virtually any agent trudging through this muck who seeks to offset the commission implosion of falling prices with an increased quantity of transactions, it only follows that we limit personal interaction in the name of production. Listing agents instruct buyer agents to text for lockbox codes and review the document tab for offer instructions. You may email for confirmation of receipt, but please no calls. Shoot, you have a better chance of finding the Lost Dutchman’s Mine with a broken lamp and defective map than reaching a bank agent with 100 open files by phone. It’s all just a precursor to the ultimate end game of conducting a transaction entirely by telepathy.

In stark contrast to the Borg-like approach that the banks and their chosen representatives have brought to the industry, however, is the resale end of the spectrum. While the low priced, low conditioned bank homes are being churned out like not-so-Happy Meals, there remains a dearth of quality, owner-occupied, resale properties available. At least of the competitively priced variety, that is.

I am working with several buyers at present who are not interested in the distressed end of the market, and find themselves frustrated with the lack of reasonably priced resale homes. I have to admit, I am right there with them. Even after factoring in a price allowance for superior physical condition and the likely equity constraints of the sellers, it is downright shocking what someone can’t find for, say, 500k in the Central Phoenix corridor.

What’s a buyer’s agent to do?

Flogging the MLS 58 times a day for new inventory will only lead to frustration. And chafing. One has to buck inertia and go make things happen. And how, pray tell, does an intrepid REALTOR go about pulling a rabbit out of a rabbitless hat in this world of impersonal drones?

By picking up the phone and calling the heavy hitters in the area to see if they have anything coming up that might fit the bill. By, gulp, knocking on doors and sending out mailers to the desired neighborhood(s). By going and finding the damn house and coercing a sale, rather than idly waiting for it to show up during the course of one of those feckless 58 searches.

The MLS has become its own brand of social media. Resign yourself to its database as the only source of business procurement, and the constant surfing is more akin to updating your Twitter status than actual work. We complain about looky loo buyers when we are often online versions of the same animal.

If the property you seek is not in the database of currently available homes, go find it in the real world. It’s what we used to do. Or, should I say, it’s one of those salesy relics of the so-called “dinosaurs” of the industry that we high-paced, high-tech, trailblazing ingrates have eschewed in the name of progress.

We are Real Estate professionals, not market watchers, contract submission specialists or inventory managers. We are paid to sell houses. Those of us who have opted not to represent bank listings as REO agents or rushed to short sale “specialization” would do well to understand that we cannot afford to operate under the drive-through mentality that has infiltrated our industry. We must put down the modern tools from time to time and make things happen the old fashioned way.

The art of the deal is not dead. In fact, I’d argue that the lack of equitable resale homes on the market makes the interpersonal role of a buyer’s agent more important than ever. If you want dirt cheap, you can take a number and wait for the banker to see you. If you want a move-in ready home, however, you might have to turn over a few rocks just off the beaten path.

I, for one, have pledged to stop lamenting the lack of quality listings in this alleged buyer’s market, and go force some honest to goodness face time with the carbon-based lifeforms that can produce them.

Right after I run another search.

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Reintroducing the Scottsdale Foreclosure Value of the Day Series

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 13:11:17 -0700

It has been quite some time since I revisited the Scottsdale Foreclosure Value of the Day series that I launched in 2009. More aptly titled the Scottsdale Foreclosure Value of the Fortnight, or Leap Year, I aim to chase away the dust bunnies and rededicate myself to the format. It may not be daily, and it may not be strictly Scottsdale (value propositions do not adhere to our strict time tables and locational demands), but it will be a viable resource for those Scottsdale area home buyers who are only interested in the deepest discounts that the bargain basement bin of the Arizona Regional Multiple Listing Service has to offer.

The series will be hosted at the Scottsdale Property Shop, so be sure to subscribe to post updates on that site to receive alerts to new and changed foreclosure listings that represent (on paper, at least), the most sublime values on the market.

We christen the relaunch with a terrific bank owned opportunity in Hayden Estates, one of the premier Victorian and Tudor style subdivisions in Scottsdale.

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

Social Media and the Great Personal Uploading

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 12:27:21 -0700

We REALTORS are a narcissistic bunch. A revelation, I know. From the bus stop advertising that depicts an attentive agent fielding calls on a pink cell phone to the glamor shot of an agent with his toy poodles on a "For Sale" sign in front of an overshadowed house, the marketing realm is littered with examples of self-promotional prowess. No one sells self like a house peddler.

Enter the explosion of blogging and social media.

What other profession would employ the usage of such tools to the extent that we do? What other professional would flog a keyboard on a semi-weekly basis secure in the knowledge that the consumptive public was hanging on every innermost, poorly conjugated thought?

Yes, the posting of fresh content keeps the attention of the search engines, and drives more eyes to our websites. Our respective blogrolls serve as a running commentary on how we approach business and market our properties: an ever-growing resume for prospective employers, if you will. We provide handy tips and the latest market news from our primary coverage areas. All sandwiched around odes to our pet bunny rabbits. And journals of our kids' kindergarten adventures. Speaking of sandwiches, don't forget our series devoted to the amateur critiquing of local eateries.

Where are the insurance agents? Where are the divorce attorneys? Where are all of the professionals that are not in some way affiliated with the Real Estate industry?

Consumers do not think about us except when they need something from us, and yet we continue to pour our hearts and souls into these virtual diaries under the quaint, misguided certainty that the public actually cares. When someone needs a hammer, they shop for a hammer. When someone needs a house, they shop for a house.

The guy with the hammers is satisfied with the sale. The guy with the houses seeks a relationship. The self-indulgent assumption on the part of the latter is that the purchase of a home is such a momentous milestone in one's life that any old professional just won't do. Surely, an eager home buyer won't just call the number in a random property ad, right? He will want an experienced champion of unassailable virtue and expertise to don armor and joust with sellers on his behalf. He will want to know what his fledgling hero thinks of the current state of the market. He will want to know where his knight in Real Estate armor is ... eating lunch?

We kid ourselves into thinking the social media craze is some new manifest destiny. It is merely an alternate route with the same potential for leading a wayward traveler away from perspective. As we agents tend to sell the amalgamation of our entire being as much as an actual service, it follows that we continue to pioneer such avenues of conceit.

Yes, I sell houses, but Internet 2.0 protocol mandates that I don't simply advertise my wares. You must know what I thought of the latest Harry Potter installment, and where to take the kids to cool down on those hot summer days. Surely the general public will not do business with someone until they learn his political and religious leanings, just as no one would think to employ a member of the service industry before reading up on his family trip to the Poconos.

Don't think my commentary on the absurdity of it all precludes me from being a willing participant in the shared delusion. I will continue to unravel my own personal onion until there is nothing left. No mystery left to discover. No unique perspective left to impart. Only through full assimilation into the collective virtual mainframe does one realize his true social media potential.

Consider it Wikipedia for egomaniacs.

So while there are plenty of homes for sale on my website, I urge you, the reader, to keep following this blog. I have opinions about the career arc of Scott Baio that you need to know before determining whether I am the REALTOR for you.

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

A Blog Is a Negotiation

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 01:31:13 -0700

A blog is a negotiation.

From the agreeable dispensation of non-threatening content which the audience will accept at face value, to the unapologetic delivery of overwrought, editorial hyperbole that is received with abject horror, the post itself represents but an initial listing. In the case of the former, resolution is immediate. All parties walk away happy, commending each other on being so well-reasoned and pleasant to deal with. It doesn't occur to the satisfied author and reader that a little might have been left on their respective sides of the table by moving straight to common ground.

Then there is the matter of the latter.

Rather than seeking the market with one's approach to a topic, an author slaps an outlandish price tag on his own opinion, and throws his piece on the server with wanton disregard for the public response.

If you like it, it's gonna cost you. If not, take a hike.

While the responses roll in, the standard pats on the back are rendered invisible by the arrival of the inevitable lowball comment offering. As strident in opposition to the post's thesis as the author is convinced of its legitimacy, the negotiation begins. Impervious to counter points, neither party gives a binary inch in the initial exchange. After several rounds of tense back and forth, however, the smug repartee gradually yields to actual discourse. The initial concern with scoring points and winning minor concessions gives way to a shared desire to reach common ground.

Consensus is not always found, and agreements are not always consummated, but the participants typically shake virtual hands and part ways with a grudging respect for one another.

Contrary to all we have learned as Real Estate professionals, the blogging arena is one in which you should never shy away from overpriced content. While it makes one feel all warm and fuzzy to receive the perfunctory gushing of saccharin response to rainbow and butterfly material, it fails to resonate. Neither the author, nor the audience is left with any fodder for intellectual sparring, and the non-threatening Hershey's Kiss of a post melts in your cerebellum before you even exit the page. There is nothing more damning to a post than to be utterly forgettable.

Don't fear the argument. The competitive exchange of ideas is as healthy as it is exasperating. Besides, what's worse than short selling your own opinions?

Price your content high and relish the negotiation to come. You may actually end up buying new thoughts and ideas when you only thought you were in the market to sell.

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!

The Buyer's Agent Bonus: Thanks, But No Thanks.

Paul Slaybaugh, Scottsdale AZ Real Estate (Realty Executives) — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 13:25:44 -0700

Thanks, but no thanks. Therein lie my in-depth sentiments regarding buyer agent bonus compensation.

It’s a tricky business, this whole trust-building endeavor. From the initial consultation with a prospective client, to the signing of the closing documents and all stops in between, a certain rapport and mutual belief in the positive intentions of each party must be developed to produce the desired outcome: namely, the purchase of the most appropriate property at the most advantageous terms. With ample opportunity for an agent to unintentionally spit the bit along the way, warding off the encroachment of countless variables that would undermine the health of the relationship is an undisclosed facet of the job. And what, pray tell, is the swiftest and surest endangerment of one’s relationship with the client? Money. More specifically, the belief, whether founded or not, that the agent is twisting his fiduciary obligation by putting his financial interests before those of the client. That’s a relationship killer. Once any doubt creeps into the mind of the client as to the motivation of his representative, you might as well go ahead and split the sheets.

I don’t want a bonus to sell your listing.

If your listing fits my client’s criteria, and you are offering me fair compensation for services rendered, I will show the property. If you are offering compensation that does not meet my minimum standards, I will show the property if my client agrees to make me whole. Mind you, that’s a terrible disincentive to buyers and buyer’s agents alike, but run your business however you see fit. What I do not require is any kind of additional spiff over and above suitable compensation. An extra percent if the transaction closes in the next 30 days, a co-broke that is double the normal range of compensation, a week aboard the listing agent’s yacht after the close of escrow … all such supposed motivators are liable to call my judgment into question.

Am I really pushing property “x” because it represents that best value proposition for the client, or am I mentally slathering SPF 15 over my epidermis in preparation of the promised week in the Bahamas?

I’m not real keen on trying to explain to my client why I am grossing 20k on a $200,000 transaction while we are sitting around the closing table.

So while I appreciate the extra incentive a listing agent and/or seller may try to stoke via a buyer’s agent bonus, it calls my credibility into question. Matter of fact, I will typically apply any such bonus (if monetary value can be readily affixed) to my client’s closing costs. I maintain my reputation and my client gets an unexpected perk. In fact, I would be in breach of my personal ethics, if not my fiduciary obligation, if I didn’t carve out such extraneous allotments for my client’s benefit. If I am being compensated fairly for my role in the transaction, it is my duty to corral any additional nickels that fall out of the seller’s pockets for the buyer.

Want to expedite your home sale? Put the agent bonus back in your shorts. Repackage the offering as a reduced price or concession towards the buyer’s closing costs. Make the terms more appealing to my client and you will produce the desired result. The seller gets his fast sale, the buyer gets more attractive terms and both agents get happy, referral-prone clients. Everybody wins.

If I want to go play Dread Pirate Roberts in the Caymans, I’ll do it on my own dime.

Your source for Scottsdale Real Estate since the dawn of time ... or thereabouts.

Launch your Scottsdale Home Search now!