Robert Bass's Blog

As Thanksgiving Approaches

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 19:01:37 -0800

Know your enemy ....

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,

My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,

And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,

When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,

Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three.

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,

and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,

In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,

And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,

"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing."

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,

I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,

I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,

High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,

I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,

And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,

As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,

I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;

I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;

She held me today, while sewing and humming,

And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."

And a Happy Thanksgiving to All!

A Visit By The Department of Labor

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 01:38:45 -0800

Ranching........A man owned a small ranch in Oklahoma. The Oklahoma Department of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help & sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees & how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room & board.”

“The cook has been here 18 months, I pay her $500 a week plus free room & board.

Then, of course, there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours every day & does about 90% of all the work around here. He nets about $10 a week, & I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the agent.....

"Oh, well, that would be me," replied the rancher !

Cordially,
Robert N. Bass, Esq. 602.274.9452 Fax: 480.478.0616
Robert@BassLawFirm.com

www.BassLawFirm.com

www.activerain.com/rnbesquire

- “Learning is not attained by chance, it must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence.” Abigail Adams - 1780

"About half the practice of a decent lawyer consists of telling would-be clients that they are damned fools and should stop." Elihu Root, quoted in Philip C. Jessup, Elihu Root (Archon Books, 1964)

Senior Texting Code

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 17:24:01 -0800

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code):

ATD: At The Doctor's
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
BFF: Best Friend F*rted
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
GGLKI: (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

Life is not the way it's supposed to be . . . Its' the way it is.
The way we cope with it is what makes the difference! ! ! ! !

The Old Dog

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 17:39:37 -0800

One day the old German Shepherd

starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Uh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard… so, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?' But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... 'Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and treachery will always overcome youthful exuberance! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

TOOL GUIDE for the Uneducated . . . . .

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 02:52:14 -0800

TOOL GUIDE for the Uneducated . . . . .

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used to assist in the creation of blood-blisters.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Also used to shorten fingers.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

THE 'S O B' TOOL: (Son-of-a-b++ch): Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b++ch' at the top of your lungs. Usually discovered immediately after you smash a knuckle or open a wound which will need stitches. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Guns Around The House

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 19:09:06 -0700

This is from one of my favorite humor journals, www.TheOnion.com. It cracked me up - ENJOY and have a GREAT weekend!

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Guns Around The House
By Jessica Postma
November 2, 2010 | www.TheOnion.com

Okay, that is it. Timothy, Rebecca, come here this instant! I've simply had it with you two. I thought I heard a .357 Magnum round discharge, and sure enough, what do I find when I open the end-table drawer but your father's still-smoking Desert Eagle. Just look at it! The nickel plating is scratched up, and what's this on the trigger—peanut butter? Dear Lord, I suppose you thought you could just put it back and no one would ever notice?

This is precisely why we can't have any nice guns around here.

Listen, you can cry all you want about how it was an accident, but that isn't getting either of you off the hook. Timothy, you're old enough to know when a firearm's safety mechanism has been disengaged, and Rebecca, maybe if you set a better example for your little brother once in a while, he'd know that he shouldn't be horsing around with the most expensive semiautomatic handgun in the house.

I swear, you kids will be the death of me.

I don't care who started shooting first! I don't want to hear it. You're both in big trouble. You just wait until we're back from getting Timothy patched up and your father hears about this. My heavens, this is worse than the time you two bent the firing pin on my good Glock 19 because you wanted to see if it could shoot .30-caliber rounds.

Why do you do this? Is there something wrong with the guns you already have? They're functional and plenty accurate, but you're always leaving them outside or strewn across your playroom—honestly, it's like one goes off every time I try to walk through that pigsty—never mind how hard your father works to keep this family supplied with ammo.

Is it wrong that he and I want to have a few nice pistols in our home besides those same junky old double-action revolvers we've had since college?

And don't get me started on that crossbow you kids begged us for last Christmas! Sure, you spent the morning out in the yard shooting bolts straight up into the air, but it's been collecting dust in the nursery ever since. Well, you're both grounded until further notice. No new rifles, shotguns, butterfly knives, blow darts, throwing stars, morning stars, brass knuckles, no nothing. Not so much as a canister of pepper spray.

Timmy, I see that smirk on your face, and you can wipe it off right now. This is no joke.

You see, Paw-paw told me last week he wants to give you kids the Ingram MAC-10 from his arsenal. He knows how much you love that gun, so imagine how disappointed he'll be when I tell him I don't think his grandchildren are mature enough to handle a blowback-operated submachine pistol just yet. It's going to break his heart.

Yes, Rebecca, I know your birthday's coming up, but until things change around here, there's going to be a lot less gunfire in this house. And Timothy, I know you're faint from blood loss, but try to pay attention. This is important.

I'm at my wit's end here. Every time one of you loses a finger, you swear it will be the last, but then next thing I know you're out wasting a whole box of hollow-point. Not only are we running out of junkie veterinarians who don't ask questions, but between bloodstains, growth spurts, and bullet holes, we can barely afford to keep you two in new clothes.

Your father and I, we try so hard to raise you right. We just want you to have the weaponry we never had when we were growing up. Believe it or not, those nice guns, we're trying to keep them nice for you. One day the Desert Eagle, the Smith & Wesson Model 29, the Soviet-era Kalashnikov, the dueling pistols, the mother-of-pearl-inlay Colt .45—they'll all be yours Rebecca and…Timothy? Timothy, what did I just say?

That's it, no fishing trip for you this weekend. Nope. It's off. I'm calling your father right now and telling him not to bother picking up that cache of dynamite on his way home.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/this-is-why-we-cant-have-nice-guns-around-the-hous,18378

"Waking Up is Hard to Do" by The Laryngospasms!

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 16:11:29 -0700

Bet this is the funniest thing you've heard all week!

The Singing Anesthesiologists! They call themselves the “Laryngospasms.”

Listen carefully to the words.

These singers are all Anesthesiologists in Minnesota and they can really harmonize. Here they sing "Waking up is hard to do!"

click on:

http://nottotallyrad.blogspot.com/2009/11/waking-up-is-hard-to-do.html

Best of the Best Deals - If you're REALLY cheap!

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 14:00:33 -0700

They say that REALTORS are the cheapest people on earth: they want everything for nothing, and they want it yesterday... Frankly, just between us girls, lawyers have you beat!

But on a positive note, a friend of mine accumulated several "Best Deals on the Internet" aggregators several years ago, and just updated it. If you are looking for a super bargain, it is worth checking out these sites. Most of them watch the internet for special bargains from sites that already offer exceptional prices.

One is a social bargain site, where members are continuously voting on what the best deals are. An interesting approach. One is a site that aggregates the deals found by the other aggregators. Some are better at deleting outdated deals than others. Anyway, if you are considering a purchase of something and would like an excellent price, it's worth checking out some of these sites. Check them out, and bookmark the ones you like.

Ben's Bargains

dealdump aggregator of aggregators

Dealigg Social Bargain Hunting site - worth checking out

SlickDeals

GottaDeal

Strange Business Facts: All you ever needed to know about work – Volume 2

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 16:01:17 -0700

Strange Business Facts: All you ever needed to know about work – Volume 2.

A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.

There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.

If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you no longer need it; are in the middle of something else; or don't want it to be fixed because now you don't want to do what you were supposed to do.

The more urgent the need for a decision to be made, less apparent becomes the identity of the decision maker.

It is never wise to let any piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.

Don't fix something that ain't broke, 'cause you'll break it and you still can't fix it.

If you are not thoroughly confused, you have not been thoroughly informed.

Standard parts are not.

Interchangeable tapes aren't.

Never trust modern technology. Trust it only when it is old technology.

For any given software, as soon as you master it, a new version of that software appears.

The new version always manages to change the one feature you need most.

In today's technical environment, it is a requirement that we forget more than we learn.

It is simple to make something complex, and complex to make something simple.

Measurements will be quoted in the least practical unit; velocity, for example, will be measured in 'furlongs-per-fortnight' .

An expert will always state the obvious.

The chance a copy machine will break down is proportional to the importance of the material that needs to be copied and inversely proportional to the amount of time till the material will be needed.

A maintenance department will neglect a customer's complaints until it starts installations on the customer's new projects.

If it works in theory, it won't work in practice. If it works in practice, it won't work in theory.

No matter how clever and complete your research is, there is always someone who knows more.

The less intelligent the idea, and the person stating it, the more likely it will be funded.

A man with one watch is certain about time. A man with two watches isn't.

The more knowledge you gain, the less certain you are of it.

Technicians are the only ones that don't trust technology.

The more you want to contact someone over an instant messenger is inversely proportional to the chances that they will be online.

The more important your email is, the worse your email program will screw it up.

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Cut your phone bill!

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 19:26:50 -0700

A buddy of mine, REALTOR Evan Fuchs from beautiful downtown Bullhead City, AZ, posted this great tip on Facebook that will surely save you a few bucks!

I read a tech article recently that prompted me to examine my home landline phone bill. I canceled $13 worth of completely useless features, such as Call Forward, Speed Dial, 3-Way Conference Call, Repeat Dial, Selective Call Rejection, Call Return. Holdovers from a bygone era. Take a look and see what you're paying for that you NEVER use.

That should bring a smile to your face! Oh, and about all that money you save: I'll take my usual 1/3!

Why English teachers retire early.

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 02:57:37 -0700

Why English teachers retire early.

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had
its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked
at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it and now goes around the county speaking
at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole
scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're
on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at
7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other
like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at
6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with
picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant
and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like
a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long,
it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.
But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you
get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame
duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame.
Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a
fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought
he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!! Hope yours averages under 100 (albeit dry) degrees!

A Good Pun is Its Own Re-Word

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 19:10:41 -0700

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD

I hope I will be forgiven for these, but when it comes to puns, like Shakespeare, I find myself going from bard to verse.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery!

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN down under.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and it ‘taint mine!

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

Great Insights!

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 19:01:05 -0700

Howdy:

The following “quotes” may be true or apochryphal*; I don’t know. They are entertaining nonetheless. I provide them without representation or warranty as to truth or historical accuracy. Enjoy!

Cordially,

Robert N. Bass, Esq.
602.274.9452 Fax: 480.478.0616
Robert@BassLawFirm.com

www.BassLawFirm.com

www.activerain.com/rnbesquire

- “Learning is not attained by chance, it must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence.” Abigail Adams - 1780

"About half the practice of a decent lawyer consists of telling would-be clients that they are damned fools and should stop." Elihu Root, quoted in Philip C. Jessup, Elihu Root (Archon Books, 1964)

* apocryphal >adjective Widely circulated but unlikely to be true: an apocryphal story

GREAT INSIGHTS

Open mouth, insert foot…

Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."

- - Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."

-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers ." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what . is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

" This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us," -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible," -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper," -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make," -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,"

-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible," -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this," -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy," -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."

- - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value," -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented," -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required." -- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself." -- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon," -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

And last but not least...

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."

-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

The beginning - and end - of my fishing career

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 00:51:50 -0700

If you are a fisherperson, or just want to read some rollickingly good writing, enjoy this item from "Jaren's Blog"

Jaren L. Davis is a gifted writer with a delightful sense of humor! http://jarenldavis.wordpress.com/2010/08/26

CAVEAT: I would advise you not to be sipping any beverages while you're reading...

One Day on the Golf Course

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 19:25:10 -0700

Two men are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind two women. Eventually one of the men walks over to ask the ladies if they can play through.

He scuttles back to his partner and says, "When I got closer, I realized it was my wife and my mistress!" he says. "You go and ask them instead."

The other one walks over to the women but hurries back and says, "Small world."

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

Our Yearly Mental Acuity Test

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 16:54:42 -0700

Our Yearly Mental Acuity Test

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said "bread," go to Question 2.

2.   Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4 Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales .   In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In    Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven   ..

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
   It was YOU driving the bus!!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

HAVE A GREAT 4th OF JULY WEEKEND!!!

Your AAAWWWW for the day - with a twist!

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 23:50:15 -0700

Widdle Wabbit

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A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing front teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuzzy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a wat's ass!"

Shorties

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 19:17:50 -0700

A guy is sitting on his sofa when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What was that about?"

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other, "Funny, I smell carrots, too."

One day a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Okay, send me your mother."

A guy walks into a bar with a priest, a minister, a rabbi, a Polish guy, and a duck. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

Two men are hiking in a forest and they see a bear. The first man starts changing into a pair of running shoes. The other looks at him and says, "That's stupid. You can't outrun a bear!" "True," says his friend. "But actually, I don't need to outrun the bear - I just need to outrun you."

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND, AND HEY - LET'S BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!

A Little Something for St. Patrick's Day

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 02:08:23 -0700

A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little.... then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and whispered,

"Don't sell that cow!"

Tool Guide...

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 02:26:38 -0800

TOOL GUIDE for the Uneducated . . . . .

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Also used to shorten fingers.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

THE 'S O B' TOOL: (Son-of-a-b++ch): Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b++ch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Converting units

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 18:48:37 -0800

Converting units

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo/Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decaration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

Good for a groan - Puns!

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 14:39:56 -0800

If you know me – you know I’m a very Punny guy!

1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

2. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

3. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

4. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

5. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

6. The batteries were given out free of charge.

7. A dentist and a manicurist got married. They fought tooth and nail.

8. A will is a dead give-away.

9. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I will show you A-Flat miner.

11. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

12. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

13. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

14. Police were called to the day center when a three year old was resisting a rest.

15. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

16. If you take your laptop for a run, you could jog your memory.

17. A bicycle can't stand alone. It's two tired.

18. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

19. The guy who fell on the upholstery machine was fully recovered.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she would dye.

The Reunion

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 15:00:56 -0800

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice figures.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.

IT'S FRIDAY!!! Dear TIDE:

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 13:45:08 -0800

Dear TIDE:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse as well!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative!

Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief!

Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go! I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.

AARP Q & A

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 16:46:37 -0800

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?	A: Try a bookstore - under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?	A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?	A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?	A: Take off your glasses..
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?	A: Go braless... It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?	A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?	A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?	A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?	A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?	A: 'Gosh, I remember these.