Dwight's Blogosphere's

Help Take A...Bite Outta Crime

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 18:33:03 -0500

Butt Gaskets ~Do We Really Need Them?

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 18:35:06 -0500

This has become a hot topic of debate in the office lately. Ed is demanding them in the men's room and Linda on the other hand could care less. I ask you, do we really need to slaughter another small forrest, just so Ed can sit on a doiley?? Please, here are just a few examples:

This is the "Prince Edward Special," it's gold plated and pleated

here is one for Linda some for Suzi

as you can see there is no shortage of people with nothing but time on their hands to make up these silly things. However, I did see one model, that I thought might be a good idea, and here it is ~

it's the handy dandy toilet seat re-cover-er. and it's sanitary, not that that matters in our men's room, geez how about flushing once in awhile guys ? !! I also say it's time to put back in the pay toilets, they can help defer the costs of adding the re-cover-er's. So now is the time to let your voice be heard, vote yes or no by leaving your comment and let us know how you feel.

That is all - Dwight

Put Down the Pop-Rocks Kid !

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 14:23:43 -0500

Teen Finds Cocaine in Skittles Box at CVS, apparently at this drugstore, you don't need a prescription !!

MIDDLEBURG, FL -- The Clay County Sheriff's Office says there isn't enough evidence to continue investigating a bag of cocaine that was found in a Skittles box at a local CVS.

The CVS manager says that although security cameras were in use at the time of the incident, due to the angle of the camera, they were unable to see who dropped off the 1.2 gram bag of cocaine.

A CVS spokesperson, Mike DeAngelis, says "there's no evidence of somebody placing a foreign object near the candy."

Police say Bonnie Cowart and her 14-year-old son went into the CVS on CR 218 and SR 21 around 5:45 p.m. Wednesday. Her son, Corby Cowart, says he found a bag of cocaine next to the bag of Skittles inside the candy box.

OMG, how dumb can these hic sheriff's be? This was obviously "a drop", and the intended perp didn't make it to the candy aisle quick enough. If only I could clone myself and be all places at all times, I'd put an end to yet another stupid crackhead, dope dealer on the loose.

remember people, "Crack Kills"

Paper is Not to Waste People !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:07:29 -0500

I've told you people time and time again, just because we are a real estate company that uses forms and alot of paper, does not mean we have paper to waste. On the contrary, every paper wasted is a piece of a tree just thrown into the tree chipper. Not to mention the money you're costing the company. I see how you misuse paper with crappy drawings (Vu), by printing up celebrity horoscopes (Edward), or by tearing it into strips to roll cigarettes (Jonh and Bill) (go buy some real ones will ya). I've been keeping notes (on the back of old discarded pieces of paper, thank you very much) of all the paper you're wasting, and I sent those notes to Suzi. When Ron calls you to ask why you wasted three sheets of paper to blot your lips last week (Tina , you'll be sorry you didn't listen to me earlier. Also the office printer is not to be used for printing your personal emails and junk mail. It's bad enough you waste paper printing up excessive MLS listings you don't even use for clients. Remember people paper costs the company and the environment, use it wisely!!

Monsters and Beasts, the Art and Technology of Animatronics at MUZEO

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 12:43:29 -0500

This is such a cool idea how come no one thought of it before ? This should be a totally awesome event I plan on going. Check it out !

Hollywood's most marvelous creatures and scariest monsters are on display at MUZEO. Get a look at these technical creations inside and out through interactive displays of the animatronic insides that bring them to life. See the Abominable Snowman, Gorilla from George of the Jungle, Peter Pan's Crocodile and many of the gizmos from Inspector Gadget 2.

Muzeo (Anaheim, CA)
Wednesday, Jun. 3 @ 10:00am - 5:00pm
Thursday, Jun. 4 @ 10:00am - 5:00pm
and 57 more dates.

The Fungus Among Us !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:42:40 -0500

An office worker cleaning a fridge full of rotten food created a smell so noxious that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and made many others ill.

Firefighters had to evacuate the AT&T building in downtown San Jose on Tuesday after the fumes led someone to call 911. A hazmat team was called in.

What crews found was an unplugged refrigerator crammed with moldy food.

Authorities say an enterprising office worker had decided to clean it out,(sounds like Suzi) placing the food in a conference room while using two cleaning chemicals to scrub down the mess.

The mixture of old lunches and disinfectant caused 28 people to need treatment for vomiting and nausea.

Authorities say the worker who cleaned the fridge didn't need treatment _ she can't smell because of allergies. yah, right, I say she just had a clothespin on her nose!! This is for real and could happen in any office, even ours!!! Why I've seen food that Herb and Oakley have left in there for days on end !! Geez people, throw your uneaten garbage away for once will ya!

Speaking of Pigs and Swine

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Wed, 06 May 2009 13:23:49 -0500

All of this talk about pigs and swine flu put me in mind of a favorite funny tv character of mine:

This gal is quite the authority as you can well see. Mimi is a secretary. She works at Winfred-Louder Department Store for the store manager, Mr. Bell [later Nigel Wicks]. Mimi wears too much make-up and has a vindictive nature. One of Mimi’s bold fashion statements inspired the comment “Only dogs can hear those colors.“ Mimi’s nemesis is Drew Carey, the Assistant Director of Personnel whom she calls “Pig!”

Swine Flu, get the FACTS people !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:56:47 -0500

What are the symptoms of swine flu ?

The symptoms of swine flu in people are expected to be similar to the symptoms of regular human seasonal influenza and include fever, lethargy, snorting, cravings for slop and coughing. Some people with swine flu also have reported runny snout, sore throat, curly tails, achy hooves . strange cravings for corn on the cob.

Can people catch swine flu from eating pork?

Yes. Swine influenza viruses can be transmitted by food. You can get swine influenza from eating pork, pork chops, barbeque pork, bacon, ham, sausage and pork rinds. Eating properly handled and cooked beef and chicken products are your best bet. Cooking pork to an internal temperature of 995°F kills the swine flu virus as it does other bacteria and viruses and pretty much anything else.

How does swine flu spread?

Influenza viruses can be directly transmitted from pigs to people and from people to pigs and from pigs to pigs and from pig stye to people. Human infection with flu viruses from pigs are most likely to occur when people are in close proximity to infected pigs, such as in pig barns, pig pens and livestock exhibits housing pigs at fairs. Human-to-human transmission of swine flu can also occur. This is thought to occur in the same way as seasonal flu occurs in people, which is mainly person-to-person transmission through coughing or sneezing of people infected with the influenza virus. People may become infected by touching something with flu viruses on it and then touching their mouth or snout

There have also been unsubstantiated reports that watching old Porky Pig cartoons and or Charlottes' Web can help ease the symptoms of swine flu.

Frozen Yogurt ~ Beware of the Addiction !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 12:34:03 -0500

When choosing which foods to consume, I generally seek the most nutrient-rich provisions. My rations serve as fuel, which I use to power my complex, highly efficient, ass-kicking machine. I especially enjoy protein-rich foodstuffs full of real down-home flavors: be they salty, gamey, or grizzlish. I've even been known to enjoy goat milk iced cream, which manages to be both salty and gamey! What I don't like and what I will not tolerate, is Ed's recent infatuation with this God-awful frozen yogurt craze.

My nephew, Bastian, returned from his Rumspringa and turned Ed onto the white stuff. Now, I consider myself an open-minded person. I'm willing to tolerate the concept of yogurt, if only because of the obvious health benefits of eating live bacteria cultures and absorbing their life force. But frozen yogurt, at least the variety Ed and Bastian fancy, is made from a powder and contains no live bacteria, no nutrients, and not even a trace of flu virus that could exercise the immune system. In spite of its frivolousness, I might be willing to indulge Ed's misguided addiction now and again, if the frozen yogurt wasn't so girly. Ed has a hard enough time being respected by fellow males without a public obsession with spa food. Plus it tastes disgusting!

Of course the frozen yogurt store does its best to cover up the horrible taste with a variety of toppings, both sweet and fruity. Although, when I asked for beets on mine, they looked at me like I was requesting ketchup. Oh yeah, like a delicious Pennsylvania vegetable is a weirder dessert topping than some exotic fruit that doesn't even grow in the contiguous United States--what kind of idiot uses coconut for anything other than fighting off predators or dissenters on a desert island? And regardless, the very notion that you can mask the too-tart taste, is kind of like putting a suit on a lion: no matter how you dress it up, if it comes into contact with your body, it will wreak havoc on your intestines. It gives Ed horrible gas. So do yourself a favor, avoid frozen yogurt at all costs. If you have a friend or family member who eats the stuff, help them beat the habit the Schrute way: mercilessly ridicule them until they lose their appetite altogether.

No More Sick Days !

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 12:25:45 -0500

The time of the year where everyone whines about getting sick is finally coming to a close. Some refer to it as "flu season," I call it "scheming industry out of a free day away from work season." Although I know my name for it is not as catchy, it is much more accurate. I find it disgraceful when people take sick days on the company dime due to their illnesses. Corporate America will be relieved to know that I have a plan to tackle this abomination.

I propose that companies provide a quarantine and medical unit to treat sick employees (I got the idea when I watched 28 Weeks Later and an episode of M.A.S.H. back to back last weekend)

Instead of calling in sick, wasting time, and lowering productivity, employees will have no excuse but to come in and work in a controlled environment where they can receive medical attention. In my office, I think they should quarantine the cubicles. As it is now, the office runts work in there, so there's no real loss if they get infected. Of course, should this proposal ever be carried out, these units will need leaders, people with experience in the medical realm; a post I'd be honored and adequately qualified to fill.

I am an authority on dealing with the sick. I spent my youth as an apprentice under Abelard Schrute, my Großonkel and the farm doctor. Since his death (he died of a broken arm), I've taken over his role. I've tended to snake bites, treated whooping cough, and once even removed a bullett from a friend's foot (Eric shall remain nameless), so I feel confident that I can take care of an agents flu, a large real estate salesman's diabetes (Ed, you really need to watch the sweets). Plus I have a huge supply of homemade penicillin, so not only am I qualified to handle the sick, I am also prepared.

Corporate America, this is your opportunity to end the era of companies being exploited by sick employees. Adopt what I am proposing and form a quarantine/medical unit in your offices STAT. You'll save money and increase productivity. ... and you'll have me to thank. You're welcome.

No More Free Tissues

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 17:40:25 -0500

After personally conducting a cost-benefit analysis, I have concluded that the company can no longer afford to be wasting its money providing you with free tissues. If you are a frequent tissue-user (I'm looking at you, Alice), you can choose to purchase a personal box of tissues or follow my example by bringing your own handkerchief into the office. Before you pass judgment, let me remind you that a hankey is a great way to be environmentally friendly. It also serves as a reminder of times past. My hankey is a family heirloom, passed down from Schrute to Schrute for generations. Every time I use it, I think back to the time when my paternal grandfather used it back in the old country. Once in a long while, I'll blow my nose and smell the rich aroma of ancient Bavarian beet fields nestled into the fabric of my hankey. I look at its frayed, tattered edges and breathe a sigh of relief knowing that I'm carrying around a piece of history that's helping me save the future.

Attention pen thief(s)

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 17:32:52 -0500

Seriously guys, stop stealing my pens. I know I have a lot of them and they're all really cool because I actually spend money on quality writing utensils, but that doesn't mean you can take them. I'm not running a pen library. Even if I was, there would be due dates for the pens that you borrow and penalties for not returning my pens on time. Considering that I'm not actually running a pen library, what you're doing is theft. Plain and simple. If I catch anyone stealing from me in the future, I will have you arrested and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Consider this a warning.

Also, if you are currently harboring any stolen pens, you may return them until the end of the month under my newly imposed Pen Theft Amnesty Program. No questions asked.

Reminder About the Office Dress Code

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 17:30:21 -0500

I've kept my mouth shut for long enough, but after years of watching the ReMax NOC dress code get flagrantly abused by one of my (anonymous) desk-mates, I've decided I can no longer stand by idly and watch the honor of our proud corporation desecrated by said agent (who sits across the building from me). Rolling up your sleeves makes you look like a slacker. Just like the kid from "Bach to the Future." Remember him? Of course not, because he was a Slacker! Unbottoning the top button on your dress shirt makes you look like an anarchist. Loosening your necktie, makes you look like a marijuana addict. I've also noted several female agents wearing inappropriately distracting clothes, bright colors tht lower productivity and destroy morale. When you undermine our dess code, you're not only doing a disservice to yourself, but to your coworking agents, your clients, your family name, and the entire corporation. The aforementioned behavior must be rectified IMMEDIATELY or else I will be forced to send out additional memos. Trust me, I will follow through on my threat and drown you in a sea of memos. Once I pull the trigger, you can be pretty sure I'm going to empty the clip. Get it together people, before it's too late.

America's Dumbest Criminals Strikes Again !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 17:24:48 -0500

Or maybe I should say Fullerton's Dumbest Criminals. For those of you that haven't heard our office was almost broken into in the wee hours this morning. Unfortunately for Ron I was on patrol elsewhere in the city, doing my part to fight crime. You've heard the old addage "dumb as a box of rocks", well, that description fits our Perp to a T ! This guy is enterprising at least, he brought his own rock with him, to throw at our glass doors. But the only thing that broke was the rock !! I can't show you a picture of the real rock, because it's being held as evidence. Lesson learned I think for this moron, don't take a knife to a gunfight (old policeman's addage) At any rate, if he comes back, I'll be ready for him!

We do however have a composite drawing of the perp (Suzi's a pretty good artist) He's male, caucasian, apprx: 5'10, 190 lbs, wore a hoodie, shorts, white socks and white tennis shoes. Driving a Silver 4-door Honda Civic. If anyone see's this crackhead please let us know and alert the Fullerton PD.

Leprachauns Are Evil !! Beware

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 12:56:30 -0500

The name leprechaun may have derived from the Irish leath bhrogan (shoemaker), although its origins may lie in luacharma'n (Irish for pygmy). These apparently aged, diminutive men are frequently to be found in an intoxicated state, caused by home-brew poteen. However they never become so drunk that the hand which holds the hammer becomes unsteady and their shoemaker's work affected. Truly amazing. Mose actually owns a pair of these shoes cobbled from the hands and hammers of a wee lad. But whenever he wears them something always happens. He turns into a pig and dances and dances and dances until the spell wears off. Don't believe me?? Then watch this :

Get off the Can people !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 13:02:25 -0600

I just want to remind all of you that you are not paid to sit on the toilet .

Visits to the restroom should be taken before work, after work, or on your lunch break. When you're on the clock, you are paid to work, and you are not working when you are in a bathroom stall (unless you're like me, I fill out paperwork at that time). Because many of you are abusing our restroom facilities. I am requesting that Ron install pay toilets to make up for the time, and thus the money, people are wasting.

Take advantage of the free restrooms while you can people, but you must do so when you are off the clock. Even though agents are technically self-employed sub contractors, this makes no difference. Too many of you are wasting time in the bathrooms when you should be out selling property! Suzi has informed me of certain women agents who like to "talk" on their cell phones in the ladies room and take the paper in there!! I cannot believe that ! what is WRONG with you women anyway? Do you know how rude it is to talk to someone on the phone while in the john? Not to mention the reverberating acoustics, why do you do it? Why, why, why....that is why men will never understand women. Get a clue girls, the john should not be used as your office. If you want to talk and read and do whatever else it is you girls do in there, I suggest you find a nice little hair salon, like on that famous "chick flick" Steel Magnolias. You know the story, all the women gather there at Dolly Partons converted garage to do all those disgusting "girly" things, while gossiping and bonding. (whatever) anyways, the bottom line is do it somewhere else. Pay toilets are unisex, and I think the women are just as big abusers as the men, probably more so because you women have a much bigger john than we do, you even have an extra stall. Ron is going to clean up with the new toilets. (no pun intended)

Put Down the Marker!!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 11:05:32 -0600

It's a new year, so perhaps we can finally put an end to rampant incompetence that continues to plague this office. For the last time, do not use permanent markers on the dry erase board. The only time it has ever been acceptable to use permanent markers on the dry erase board, was when I wrote, "DO NOT USE PERMANENT MARKERS" in permanent marker on the dry erase board. My warning could not be any clearer.

The marker that conveniently says "dry erase marker" on it is the only writing utensil appropriate for the dry erase board. It doesn't take a genius to see the connection between the "dry erase marker" and the "dry erase board." Obviously, dry erase markers don't contain xylene and/or toluene, hence their use on white boards or overhead transparencies and their subsequent inability to be used on porous surfaces. If you can't understand some basic advanced chemistry, maybe you're not cut out to work in the office .

Besides that Suzi and myself are the only authorized dry erase board users. We'll just forget the flagrant misuse of the dry erase board this past X-Mas. Those people shall remain nameless. By the way, Cristal, if you want to post something, use the bulletin board. That is all. ~ Dwight

Hangover Cures ~ Or, Happy New Year !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:39:49 -0600

Many around the office are planning to celebrate the incoming of the New Year, and saying Asta Lavesta Baby to the old. That in mind, Tina was asking for a good hangover remedy, (just in case), so that put me in mind for todays post.

first of all, try not to let your drinking get out of hand like this guy...

Premised on the quaint notion that the best thing for what ails you is more of what ails you, "hair-of-the-dog-that-bit-you" nostrums have been popular since the time of Shakespeare (before that, etymologists tell us, the phrase referred quite literally to a method of treating dog bites).

The Bloody Mary, invented during the Roaring Twenties, is still touted as the ideal morning-after pick-me-up. Another evil-sounding but reputedly effective concoction popularly believed to relieve the symptoms of a hangover is called "Black Velvet" and consists of equal parts champagne and flat Guinness. Hemingway, it is said, relied on a morning-after tonic of tomato juice and beer.

Deep-fried canaries

I have a friend of Mexican descent (Tony Gonzalez) who swears by menudo (boiled tripe) first thing in the morning. Fatty, high-calorie foods like menudo have long figured among the most popular homespun hangover cures. The ancient Romans ate deep-fried canaries, we're told. The Greeks, on the other hand, found relief by eating sheep's lungs. Among the ancients generally, eating boiled cabbage before a binge was widely thought to be the best preventative. One prescription from the Medieval period touts the combination of eel and bitter almonds. How's your appetite holding up?

Caveat potor ('drinker beware')

Fast-forwarding to modern times, peruse the list below for a sampling of the most popular hangover nostrums reported by members of the Urban Legends and Folklore Forum:

Tomato juice, aspirin and a long, hot shower
Coffee made with tonic water, orange juice and honey
Water, water, and more water
Water and vitamin C (also, water and calcium)
Water and vitamin B complex
Vitamin E
Buttermilk
A "Red-Eye" - whiskey, coffee, Tabasco sauce, a raw egg, pepper and orange juice blended together
Alternating between Pepto-Bismol and water
Lots of icy-cold Coca Cola (not Diet Coke!)
"Coating your stomach" before drinking with milk and/or bread and butter
Vegemite on toast
Vomiting before bedtime

But I think the best cure is the one Great, Great Grandmother Schrute invented: 1 large glass of beet juice (freshly squeezed) equal parts of Vodka and Gin with a lemon twist !

Bottoms up !!

When Fred Thompson Talks....You Should Listen !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 17:48:12 -0600

The Spying Tree

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:04:13 -0600

Surrounding us are networks of undercover agents that go undetected by the average citizen. I, however, am not the average citizen. I have the rare ability to detect spies using a finely honed sense of paranoia. This gift never fails me, as demonstrated a couple weeks ago when Mose and I came across some spy equipment.

We were completing our weekly militia training (which we see as fulfilling an American duty) in the woods. While doing our usual rife drills, I instinctively missed the target (a scarecrow dressed as Sean Penn). My bullet ricocheted off a tree in the woods with an alarming "ding." In an instant Mose and I were on the ground with our rifles pointed. We cautiously crawled toward the tree for inspection. It looked like this:

Initially we thought it was a camouflaged nuclear anthrax rocket, or anthrax rocket with a conventional warhead, or, perhaps, most disturbingly, an actual metal tree. But after hours of poking it with a stick and throwing rocks at it, it became obvious that it was a device used to spy on me. Clearly the work of the Russians, Russian Separatists, Al Qaeda, Ed, We Got the Beets (a rival beet supplier), or some combination thereof.

Ever since I checked out Harriet the Spy from the library for Larry, I've suspected that I was under surveillance. After dark, Mose and I crept into the woods and took down the tree. Breaking through the surrounding wires and cement was not an easy task, in part because Mose digs with his hands and teeth.

The following day, the police blotter of the local paper listed a report that someone had vandalized an artificial tree that served as a cellular phone company antenna. Since wireless providers have 128,000 antennas made to look like trees across the country, this seemed plausible. A little too plausible if you ask me. Thus further investigation will continue.

Our Great Legislator's At Work ~ Again !!!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 13:57:19 -0600

Pending AWNAA Legislation

Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over.

With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S.Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry 68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle-man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?' "As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember "rightey tightey, lefty loosey." "This new law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL): "As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."

Elderly Island: How to Deal with the Elderly

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 11:35:35 -0600

A month ago, my lazy sloth of a Great Uncle, Stoffel, invaded my home. Schrutes are obligated to provide lodging for family members, so long as they're willing to hunt, slaughter, and/or cure meat in exchange for their room and board. Stoffel refuses to do any work of any kind. He just sits around on our wolverine-skinned couch, drinking tea, reading books, and shivering. The man is truly a 104 year-old menace to society and an example of what happens when a Rumspringa lasts from the Roaring Twenties through the Swinging Sixties.

Stoffel's continued hedonistic lifestyle is a symptom of a pandemic sweeping the globe: with the spread of modern medicine, the elderly continue to live longer and longer, surviving despite their deteriorating bodies and minds, and burdening society with their "needs" (Note: insulin is a privilege not a right). A person should only exist as long as he proves beneficial to his community. Schrute children adhere to this rule by the age of 6 or else they're permanently reassigned to a weaker, more tolerant family. So why can't old people abide?

Unfortunately, humanity seems to lack the backbone to demand that the elderly continue to contribute until they terminate. Instead we both indulge their laziness and demean them, locking them away in retirement homes while they slowly rot in a medicated stupor. The thought seems to be, the elderly, like most minority groups, enjoy being grouped together in a designated living area. But what if we stripped them of their pills and deprived them of their Rascal scooters, perhaps the elderly would stand up and face death like a man: head on, in a battle royal. Win or lose, they'd be more alive than they are now, even if the exertion caused them to cease living.

I'm proposing we take all the seemingly washed-up old geezers sucking at society's teat like wrinkled old leaches and put them on some remote island. There, they would compete for survival in a format not un-like the popular television program Survivor, only there would be no challenge rewards, medical assistance, or immunity. Just old men and women working together to battle time and Mother Nature, reliving their glory days in some treacherous tropical paradise.

Some would surely die, many immediately, but at least they would die with dignity. Plus there would be those that rise to the occasion-that fight and triumph against the odds. They would of course be welcomed back to our youthful society as conquering heroes, free to live out their days however they see fit. I only pray that if my body ever shows any signs of corrosion, that I'm given such an opportunity. There's no way I'm going out like old Stoffel, annoying my relatives as I slowly expire. Better to die living my life with honor: sabotaging my opponents, crushing my competition, and surviving no matter what the costs.

Pen Chewers Beware !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 11:08:33 -0500

Chewing on pens is completely unacceptable. It's a disgusting habit that some of my co-workers partake in. This oral fixation is offering up a slew of germs and/or viruses to not only the chewer, but the person he/she passes their pen on too. When you put office supplies in your mouth you are sharing a dose of your infectious saliva with all your co-workers. Although my writing utensils are heavily guarded, I still come across a chewed pen every now and then. The other day I found Oakley chewing on one of my pens - to retaliate I walked over and spat on his desk. I've reached my wit's end with pen chewers - their filthy habit will no longer be tolerated. To encourage everyone to halt this behavior I will be applying a dose of an anticoagulant to all of the pens in the office. Consider yourself warned!

Also beware of the possible choking hazard and resulting possibilty of death by choking! People wake up, take the pencils/pens out of your mouths for Pete's sake. Beware also, since we are on the pen/pencil subject, that you can get ink poisoning from writing on yourself with pens too. Cousin Lars had to have a hand transplant because of this very habit. He used to write on his hand constantly instead of using a tablet or paper. He thought it harmless, until that dreaded day when his entire hand turned blue and went numb from "ink" poisoning. That is a true story.

You can also get it in your lips : and trust me, you don't want that !!.

Do You Know How to Drink Chinese Pepsi ??

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 10:50:20 -0500

"But Master, how will I know? Will I be able to master this task?" "Yes Grasshopper, you too may one day grasp this ancient Chinese secret !!!!" This post is in honor of "HUMOR" and Laddi Dhillon's post on how to learn to speak Chinese. Thanks for the laughs Laadi ~ Keep em' coming. And nevermind the nay sayers, there will always be smaller minds., and besides that, we Re/Max people have to stick together!

Surge Protector ~ One Is the Limit People !!

Dwight Schrute (Re/Max North Orange County) — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 12:59:38 -0500

Last night, I noticed a surge protector, fully loaded with plugs, including another surge protector - which was also fully loaded with plugs! If this office continues to mock my fire safety memos, they're going to get burned. Literally. Do you know what a fifth degree burn feels like? It feels like nothing... because your hypodermis will all be burned off, straight down to the blackened muscle, tendons, and ligament, destroying your pain-sensing nerves in the process. "Well at least it's not painful. I'll probably just have my skin grafted back on and nourished by plasmatic imbibition. I'm sure capillary inosculation will occur within 36 hours," you smugly say. Well, here's what I say, "Shut it, no back talk! I don't care about advances in modern medicine, you put the lives of everyone in the office at risk (except for me because I'm fast). In the future, you need to heed proper surge protector and outlet safety regulations."

Oh, post script, if you're missing a surge protector, you brought it on yourself.