Robert's Blog

The Profane Parrot

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 16:06:04 -0600

Howdy:

This week’s Friday Funny will come early, in honor of the holiday:

A young man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. All to no avail...

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him into the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he had actually hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.' I am truly sorry.

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....

........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'

~ Happy Thanksgiving to all! ~

From the Turkey: A Poem

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:29:09 -0600

My warmest wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, and now for a different perspective:

When I was a young turkey, still new to the coop,

My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,

And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,

When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,

Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three.

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,

and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,

In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,

And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,

"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing."

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,

I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,

I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,

High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,

I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,

And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,

As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,

I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;

I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;

She held me today, while sewing and humming,

And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."

It's Friday! Airline Announcements

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:34:27 -0600

Airline Announcements...

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

*************************************

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

*************************************

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

***************************************

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

*******************************************

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

*************************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

*************************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

***********************************

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

***********************************

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

******************************************

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

****************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

****************************************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

****************************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.’ The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry i f I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

The Realists...

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 00:10:43 -0600

It's Friday: Random Thoughts...

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:10:06 -0600

Random Thoughts of the Day:

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse) ...ummm... Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to take a nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already had a few too many when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that Both-go-left, Both-go-right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past...

That's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image…

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's obligations to you should be to immediately clear your computer browser history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named The Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."
Classy, bro!

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.

What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even if I knew your Social Security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind scrupulously obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, I saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating alone. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat slug before dinner.

Gen Y

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:51:29 -0600

The Silent Generation are people born before 1946.

-The Baby Boomers are people born between 1946 and 1959.

-Generation X are people born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y are people born between 1980 and 1995.

Why do we call the last one generation Y?

I did not know, but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below...

I learned something new today!

Some 60's Hits Updated!

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 01:51:19 -0500

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba---
She's the Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I want To.
And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

Medical Diagnosis...

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 03:22:08 -0500

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

FRIDAY FUNNY!!! Another great one from The New Yorker

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:34:19 -0500

Having a bad day???

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:47:07 -0500

When you think you’re having a bad day, it could definitely be worse:

This man was in a work-related accident, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. Below is his response. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my own weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

How to Speak English Good

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 17:45:26 -0500

This is an oldie, but I always chuckle when I see it come around on the guitar again.

Have a great weekend, all!

How to Speak English Good

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

19. The passive voice is to be ignored.

20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.

24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

29. Who needs rhetorical questions?

30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And the last one...

31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Man's Best Friend

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 00:09:27 -0500

Howdy:

The world's best cartoons are in The New Yorker. You can subscribe to cartoons on the subjects of Office Humor, Dogs & Cats, Parenting, Relationships or Food, and get a new one every day for free! Go here to subscribe:

http://www.arcamax.com/comics/newsletters

This recommendation is a Friday Funny that keeps on Funnying!

A New Breed!

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 02:14:34 -0500

Tough times...

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 17:29:47 -0500

Tough times require innovative sales techniques:

(Open up to full screen!)

http://www.brokeragentsocial.com/BrokerAgent/video/315

How Banks Work

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 09:16:16 -0500

How Banks Work
This was first published in April 1957, but it's still strangely pertinent to banking practices today.
- - -
Q: What are banks for?

A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?

A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?

A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?

A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?

A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?

A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it?

A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?

A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?

A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?

A: Because it isn't theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?

A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?

A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?

A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?

A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?

A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same $100 isn't it?

A: Yes, but....

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?

A: Theoretically....

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??

A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?

A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that....

Q: When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest?

A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?

A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have

buried it in the garden!

A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?

A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?

A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?

A: Then they'll let you have some other customer's money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too... and they've already let me have it?

A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?

A. YOU GOT IT!

Even More Great Bumper Stickers!

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 17:39:05 -0500

Even More Great Bumper Stickers!

Lysdexics Untie!

Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!

When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

I'm pink, therefore I'm SPAM.

I love animals. Certain of them are delicious!.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!

I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.

That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help.

So many stupid people; so few asteroids.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!

Life is too short to worry about how short life is.

Excess is never too much in moderation.

My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.

To err is human, to moo, bovine.

My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.

Iambic pentameter in motion.

If it's not one thing, it's your mother. – Sigmund Freud

Don't believe everything you think.

Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!

Life is short. So buy the shoes!

Never believe generalizations.

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

I don't think, therefore I am not.

Avoid alliterations always.

Dyslexics are teople poo.

Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.

This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.

Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm).

My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still.

I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

The control key on the keyboard does not work.

The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

National Sarcasm Society. (Like we need your support)

Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).

Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.

Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.

Ask me about my compost pile.

If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

I'm retired. Go around me.

Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

I plan to live forever. So far, so good!

Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors!

Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.

On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.

On your mark, get set, go away!

What would Scooby do?

Honk if the twins fall out.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I am not childish, you big poopyhead.

I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

You read my bumper sticker. That's enough social interaction for today.

Liberal Arts major: will think for food.

Adjure obfuscation.

Visualize Whirled Peas

To err is human; to moo, bovine!

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.

What if the hokey pokey IS really what it's all about?

AND FINALLY…

If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!

Wisdom - Young and Old

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 16:08:58 -0500

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polk-a-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is. . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is. .. . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . ... Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Even More Bumper Stickers!

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 19:57:34 -0500

Still More Great Bumper Stickers!

I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

The more you complain the longer God makes you live.

I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind - back in five minutes.

Without ME, it's just AWESO.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Hang up and drive.

Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

I fish, therefore I lie.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Honk if you want to see my finger.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

Keep honking while I reload!

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Driver carries no cash. He's married.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol!

So your kid’s no honor student. Society needs laborers.

Honk if you hate peace and quiet.

I have the body of a god: Buddha!

And hey - As we prepare to enjoy a great 4th of July weekend, let’s take a moment to remember all the service members and their families, whose sacrifices have allowed us to enjoy our liberty and independence. Freedom is not free!

HOW TRUE IT IS

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 02:54:10 -0500

HOW TRUE IT IS

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,

But lots of things, That come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand
About "Living in the Past".

We used to go to friends homes,
Baseball games and lunches.

Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties night and day.

Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And we couldn't get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to travel often
To places near and far.

Now we suffer backaches
Just from riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall

But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before - like me - you're too damn old!!!

We have traffic cameras in sunny Phoenix!

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 01:08:50 -0500

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail…

for driving without a seat belt.

Men……

IT'S FRIDAY!! The Wisdom of Will Rogers

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 02:19:05 -0500

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest Political sage and humorist this country has ever known. Enjoy the following observations:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by
   observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for
   themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make
    sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
    he kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're
    full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and
        start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know
        "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't
         paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice
          change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.          Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

IT'S FRIDAY!!! Still More Great Bumper Stickers!

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 29 May 2009 15:51:58 -0500

Still More Great Bumper Stickers! Part 3

Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.

I didn't climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.

What we need is a patch for stupidity!

Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!

Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union.

I always finish what I st

Procrastinate now.

The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.

Rehab is for quitters.

My dog can lick anyone!

I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

You - Off my planet!

If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.

In dog years, I'm dead!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

To err is human, to forgive divine. Neither is government policy.

The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

IRS: Be Audit You Can Be

Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!

(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

A day without sunshine is like… night.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

Old age comes at a bad time.

In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

What I really need are minions.

And finally...

I'm an English major: You do the math.

IT'S FRIDAY!! APHORISMS

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 22 May 2009 12:58:39 -0500

Before we move on to the mirth, please take a moment to remember our brave men and women who have protected and continue to protect this greatest country on God's green Earth. Thank a Veteran!

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants
to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company
can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with saggy tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in an Aston-Martin than in a Yugo.

19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Fri, 15 May 2009 13:24:03 -0500

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

I’VE SEEN THESE BEFORE, BUT IT DOESN'T HURT TO BE REMINDED ONCE IN A WHILE OF

THESE WONDERFUL, OLD FASHIONED HOME REMEDIES........

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY

GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS: SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF

AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON

YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL

PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER

YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.

THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE: WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.

IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.

IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN

ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY

GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN

PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

My Perfect Job

Robert Bass (Robert N. Bass, Ltd.) — Sun, 10 May 2009 03:12:24 -0500

My Perfect Job

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!