Diary of a Slumlord: Proving the Existence of Real Estate Humor

Them D@mn Hippies and What They're Doing in Your Rental Property

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:15:11 -0600

Everyone loves hippies, right? I mean, they're friendly, they believe in free love, and they just want the world to hold hands and sing Kumbaya, right? So what's wrong with that?

Parents - beware the seemingly innocuous Flower Power! Your children are unsafe amidst this lot, and don't let your hippie tenants in your shared duplex to seduce your children with their wicked ways!

<---------(Just imagine your darling children associating with this satanist. Worse, hiring this creature to deliver their babies?)

First, there's the hygiene. Do you know how many new species of lice they found in Bob Marley's hair after he died and they beamed his body back up to the mothership? 47 species of lice! (Some of them were probably already known to the Linnaean system of classification, but never mind that). Imagine trying to rid your rental unit of all those creeping, crawling, itching arachnids! Dreadlocks = dirty, and don't you forget it.

Second, there's the promiscuity. Do you want your virgin daughter espousing the tenets of "free love," AKA uncurtailed $ex with dozens, possibly hundreds of dreadlocked, unbathed, unemployed, organically-grown granola-munching tie-dyed men? Don't even think about walking into your rental property with a black light, the phosphorescent reflections would blind you before you could stammer out the words "AIDS quarantine."

Did you ever wonder how food got so expensive? Look no further than the Organic movement! If it were up to your hippie tenants, every head of lettuce would cost you $15, to help pay for Manuel's "fair-trade" wages that, coupled with his her0in poppy fields, afford him the kind of lifestyle that only Tom Cruise and Bernie Madoff could afford. And not just Manuel's Colombian palace-fortress either, but they want those lettuce heads seductively massaged every night of their little lettuce lives, and kept in free-range pastures where they can run around having "free love" with other free-range lettuce heads and have a rich, joyful little lettuce life! And if it's not gluten-free, well... let's not even think about what those hippies would do behind closed doors to gluten.

But it gets worse. The drug$! Think of the drug$! And don't think it stops with a little bit of your parents' generation's watered-down funny-weed. Oh no, no, no. Today's m@rijuana comes in styles that make people hallucinate express trains made of pineapples, and imagine that they're Frankenstein. And remember that time in college when that sinful woman FORCED you to drop that teensy, weensy little bit of @cid? Well, imagine a smoke-filled den of sin, where the b0ng never stops bubbling and the @cid never stops dropping, and the tie-dyed sarongs on the wall stare down with evil blue and purple eyes. That's what's going on next door in your rental duplex! It's a haven of sin, and you support it every month by allowing those creatures of darkness to wallow in their own filth and sin!

There's only one thing to be done. Report them to the authorities for their loose and morally-depraved behavior (which, incidentally, helps streamline the eviction process), fumigate their Den of Sin to rid it of that offensive patchouli smell, and sign a rental agreement with some nice, upstanding young hedge fund bankers or subprime mortgage lenders. Just think, you'll even be able to plan your retirement or get a no-cash-down mortgage at 13% in the process!

Entry 37 - The Slumlord Survival Pack

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 16:34:56 -0500

Every professional has a tool kit; if you're a plumber, it includes wrenches, if you're an accountant, it includes software, if you're in ACORN, it includes immunity from the law (if you haven't seen the Jon Stewart clip on ACORN, it's priceless).

Slumlords are no different than other people (other than their lordly superpowers we discussed last time), and they have a tool kit too. Here's an exclusive look into the life and tools of a slumlord, with each tool's nature and purpose explained.

Grizzly Bear Spray (defense, lockpicking, extorting rent from tenants)

Scientifically designed to disable, maim, and otherwise incapacitate 900-pound adult grizzly bears, this easily portable spray can induce panic in even the toughest tenant! One spray to the face will produce a sensation the tenant will never forget... and one spray to the genit@ls will induce nightmares for years to come.

As an added bonus, it's been known to melt away steel deadbolts, in case the tenant tries to lock you out!

Digital Camera (blackmail, evidence)

Digital cameras are a cheap and effective way to prove without a shadow of a doubt that your tenant actually is smuggling 9 year old Guatemalan boys into the country for child pro$titution rings, for expedited eviction! Of course, if the young Brothers Pedro are worth less to you than the $50,000 you can blackmail from your tenant... well, we won't judge.

Extra Spicy Beef Jerky Links (dognapping, security override, vengeance)

Many tenants maintain vicious animals as living security systems, such as dobermans, german shepherds, and mutant pitbulls. However, even the fiercest, most genetically scrambled dog will go limp at the prospect of beef links, allowing you safe entry to your rental property. Or perhaps your tenant is behind on rent? Dognap their precious little Chihuahua, and see how quickly their rent money materializes!

Best of all, no dog's digestive tract is suited for extra spicy beef jerky links... your tenant is in for a fun treat on their brand new white suede couch!

LoJack Tracking System (tenant locator)

Had one too many tenants skip town on you without paying their last 4 months' rent? No problem! Just secure the little lojack on their rusting 1987 Ford Asscort station wagon, and voila! Go visit them at ma's house on the other side of town, and remember to bring that bear spray; moms are more vicious than that creepy 180-pound dog those deadbeats kept!

Being a slumlord is hard job, and not for the faint of heart. Keep your Slumlord Tool Kit on you at all times, and don't hesitate to vaporize an eyeball or two with that bear spray - it's faster than serving an eviction notice!

Entry 36 - Putting the "Lord" Back in Slumlord - An Existential Review of the Slumlord Experience

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 19:51:33 -0500

You already know whether you're a slumlord or not; he11, we had that conversation weeks ago. By now, you've gnawed those Walmart fingernails of yours down to nubbins, quivering in the dark corner of your bedroom and mumbling through the foot-long string of drool dangling from your lip: "Am I a bad person? Do slumlords deserve to live? Just how qualified am I for forced euthanasia in the People's Republic of America?"

But have no fear! I'm here to tell you that slumlords are people too, d@mmit, and we should be lionized, idolized, held up as epitomes of self-actualization. In short, I'm putting the LORD back in slumlord.

So what's so good about slumlords, anyway?

I'm so glad you asked! Someone has to own and manage "affordable housing," and keep it that way, and there are two alternatives to private real estate investors owning low-end properties: corporations, and the government. Either corporations can own and manage low-end properties with the caring and sensitivity that they display with their mass livestock farms, or the government can run them like they... well, like they already do! There's a word for government-owned "affordable housing:" the projects, or Pojects if you're too po' to pronounce the R. It may also be worth noting that we ALL pay for the public projects, whereas only slumlords pay for low-end housing investment.

Hopefully, this establishes why our society, as a whole, needs slumlords. But wait, we also need jizmoppers (name that movie!), and we don't celebrate THEIR social standing… why should slumlords be apotheosized?

The "it's a dirty job but somebody has to do it" logic is flawed, because it fails to account for the physical valor and prowess displayed by slumlords nationwide. After all, who else among you is brave enough to venture into the underworld of gangs, pimps, sex offenders, and Tyrone's Fried Chicken (real picture of one in Baltimore above - I took that one day while visiting an investment property), day after day, week after week? And who else, among mere mortals, has outrun an angry Kentucky pervert caught wiping off his sister's chin? This is the stuff of legend, of mythology; epic poems will be recited about your exploits in two thousand years from now.

But the justification of our lordship doesn't end there. Private slumlords, in their infinite generosity, often offer their tenants the option to purchase their home, their small castle, their own little piece of the American dream, for a nominal purchase price, mildly usurious seller-held mortgage interest, denial of buyer's agent protection in the transaction, and the serfdom of their firstborn daughter. After all, someone has to get to her before the local pimp... slumlords are really doing her a favor.

Then there's the fact that slumlords provide free demonstrations on innovative and ingenious uses of duct tape, super glue, and plywood. These are useful survival skills for today's poor; after all, these are the only home improvement supplies within their price index! You're providing real life, hands-on home remodeling tips and skills, totally free of charge… Ma Theresa would be proud.

So the next time someone disparages you for being a slumlord, recount for them (in the metered stanzas appropriate to the epic nature of your being) your exploits as a demigod, roaming the landscapes of broken tractors and barred windows, your philanthropic efforts offering practical education and socioeconomic betterment, and the foundations in market economics for your privileged and proud existence.

Viva Las Slumlords!

Entry 35 - Walmart & Mindless Consumerism: Reflections on a Culture of Morons

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 14:58:32 -0500

All right, after accidentally erasing not one, but two drafts of my entry on "Slumlords & Civilized Society: An Existential Journey," I decided to push that off until next week. Instead, you get…

Walmart has been the butt of many jokes (most of them justified) regarding everything from employee treatment to small business bulldozing, yet they continue to flourish. What's going on here? Who's responsible for this behemoth slowly taking over the world? (Aside: Walmart employs roughly 1.5 million people and clocks roughly $275 million in annual sales, as opposed to the $120 billion dollar trade deficit between the US and China - if these numbers don't scare you, you probably have Asperger's syndrome [caveat: figures slightly dated]).

(<------------ "Guys, it's cool, it's an ancient symbol for prosperity...")

So while it's extremely easy to make fun of Walmart, and blame them for all of the terrible effects they have on our economy, I'm going to take a different tack: blaming YOU. Yes, you heard me right, I said you. You shop there, you work there, you even EAT there, supplanting Taco Bell as the most disgusting mass-produced swill consumable garbage. Because of American demand for new, shiny, and cheap things they can quickly throw away and replace for social advancement, Walmart has offered them exactly what they want: stuff so cheap you can buy it today, throw it out tomorrow, and buy something else tomorrow to show off to Mr. & Mrs. Jones across the street.

I could wax on, ranting about Ma & Pa Hardware Store who just defaulted on their rental contract because they're put out of business every 13 minutes by Walmart leveling local economies, or I could simply show you a few examples of the kinds of morons keeping this bloated leviathan alive.

Roll camera:

(pictures provided courtesy of www.peopleofwalmart.com)

So, where to begin with this one? -------------->

The subject's suspicious gender?

The fanny pack?

The underwear?

The socks?

"Honey, I know you want potatoes for dinner, but... ok, ok, you just hang out here at the car, and I'll be right back."

"Thanks for the back scratch! Now it's your turn. No, seriously, turn around... What?"

If you are so embarrassed that you'll never step foot in a Walmart again, I've done my job.

And if you're wondering how that woman wipes herself... some problems aren't meant to be solved.

Oh, and if any of this irritates you, consider a little wisdom from Holden Caulfield: "Morons always hate it when you call them a moron."

Video Entry 34 - The Crichton Leprechaun ("It Could Be a Crackhead!")

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 12:42:31 -0500

Words cannot express how amazing this little news story is. Probably the funniest piece of reporting ever aired.

Incidentally if you haven't seen this before, after watching go back a few Slumlord entries and check out the poster.

Happy gold hunting!

Entry 33 - How to Tell if You're a Slumlord - The Top 10 Indicators

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 18:41:04 -0500

You know, it's a good thing there's such a stigma attached to being a slumlord, or else everyone would be doing it!

Actually not really, I've seen more than my fair share of XXXXL white T-shirts and ankle-length blue jean shorts, and most people just don't have the risk tolerance that I do when it comes to endangering their lives by entering neighborhoods reminiscent of Anbar Province in Iraq.

But many of you have posited that you may, in fact, be a slumlord, and have expressed varying degrees of concern over this epiphany. For now, we'll ignore the profoundly existential question of "How bad is it to be a slumlord" for the more categorical "Am I a slumlord?"

Without further ado, You Might Be Are A Slumlord if You:

1. Own rental properties that are worth less than a quarter of your home's value

2. Carry grizzly bear spray into the ghetto with you instead of the more traditional pepper variety (pepper spray's for pu$$ies! Just ask Teddy Ruxpin here ----->)

3. Own a trailer park but don't live there yourself, eschewing it for the more aristocratic double-wide down the dirt road

4. Refer to your tenants as "The Natives"

5. Have to roll up your windows while driving by your rental properties

6. As you walk up to your rental property to pay a contractor for long overdue repairs, you decide instead to spend the money on a h00ker working the same block

7. Your friends, family, and coworkers answer for you when someone asks what you do, with a euphemistic "He's in real estate. But back to what you were saying about that interesting bionucleic acid..."

8. Keep an eviction notice on your Windows desktop for easy access

9. Maintain a stash of hand sanitizer in the car, to stay ahead of that new strain of AIDS that you catch from looking at people who net less than $100K/year

10. Avoid wearing the colors red or blue when visiting your rental properties, and not because they don't compliment your eyes.

Face it: you're a slumlord. It's ok, I'm one too, and when it comes to being a slumlord, whatever doesn't kill you makes you richer!

<------------The Slum Limo!

Entry 32 - The Jenga Rental Investment Game

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 13:29:40 -0500

I came across a gentleman the other day who had quite an interesting rental investment strategy: buying rental properties in dying cities, for a few grand, putting in another couple grand to put them in decent rental shape, and then renting for a few hundred dollars per month. He reportedly had about $6,000 tied up in each property, and rented them for roughly $350-400 apiece.

The game, you see, is Jenga: how high can you build the tower before it collapses?

His market was none other than Flint, Michigan (dear old Michael Moore would be proud), poster child of dying American cities (and probably followed by its big brother, Detroit). If you had any lingering doubts that the tower would, at some point, collapse, I hope this revelation has dispatched them - Flint is going down like a prom queen.

But consider for a moment the return he's achieving - invest $6,000, get $400/month. Assuming $100 of that is going to other costs each month (taxes, maintenance, etc), in less than 2 years he's paid off his investments and is sitting pretty with free and clear rental properties, netting him $300/month. At the end of Year 3, he's earned $4,800; 4 months later he's earned a 100% return on his investment (ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ROI!!!!).

The question, though, is does he have 40 months of tenancy before the tower collapses and he can no longer keep a tenant in the property because the town has finally completed its death convulsions?

Call me crazy, but I like it. It's like Real Estate Russion Roulette (apologies for mixing metaphors [yes I'm aware the last was a simile... never mind]).

So what do you do with these houses? 1. Buy a block. 2. Sign long term leases with stable families and elderly couples. 3. Cross your fingers, toes, and genitals that your tenants last at least 2 years!

Entry 31 - Fun at People-with-Bad-Credit's Expense

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:34:22 -0500

We all know that the lower-end the property, the lower-end the rental application and credit reports you get as a slum landlord, which makes for some entertaining stories when you ask tenants prying questions about "little dings" in their credit reports.

Some questions I've had to ask are:

"What's the story behind that federal income tax judgment? No, not that one, the other one."

"Why were you evicted from the last two houses you lived in? And while we're at it, where were you living in that three year gap in your address history?"

"I saw you maxed out your credit card last year, and STILL didn't pay your rent or car bills. Are there any bills you did pay... ah! The in-store credit card from Wal-Mart..."

But enough about what I said. Let's talk about what THEY said. It's much more amusing.

Case Study 1: The Garden of Weeden

Jerome: "Man, that IRS lien is bull$hit, they all up in my business just because I didn't pay a couple years' taxes-"

Me: "Your tax lien is for $672. You're telling me you didn't pay taxes for several years, and all you owe is $672?"

Jerome: "That's what I'm TALKIN about, man-"

Me: "But you're driving a Cadillac, you must be making mo- never mind, we're done."

Case Study 2: The Repo Man Cometh

Me: "So, I see some collections and reposessions on your credit report. What's the story behind those?"

Emma Jean: "Well, you know how it goes, Mr. Shark Dude, they sell you the car for no money down, but then they want a bunch of money every month, and those bills add up..."

Me: "Yes, I can see how the bills for 2 cars, a 56 inch plasma TV, and... I assume that's a tractor, from John Deere, would add up, which is why most people don't buy them all on credit at the same time. What's this other repo account, from Crutchfield?"

Emma Jean: "A car stereo."

Me: "A car stereo?! You had a CAR STEREO repo'd?!"

Emma Jean: "Hello? Are you there?"

Case Study 3: Coming in on The Landing Strip

Crystal: "Mr. Shark Dude, I know my credit isn't amazing, but I make a LOT of money each month."

Me: "Doing what, exactly?"

Crystal: "I work over at The Landing Strip."

Me: "What is that, a regional airport or something?"

Crystal: "It's a, um, gentleman's club."

Me: "Here's the rental application approval, here's the key for your new rental property, and here's the key to my place just in case, you know, you get scared sleeping alone or something."

Just remember, just because someone hands you a rental application and has bad credit, it's not a total wash. At least you can have a laugh at their expense before sending them on their way!

:~p

Post Script - Who all seen da leprechaun say "YEA-AH!!!"

Maybe next week we'll have a special video entry, for the uninitiated.

Entry 30 - Idiocracy, Entitlement, and the New Steal

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 09:53:51 -0500

If anyone has seen the movie Idiocracy, you know how far Mike Judge has fallen since Office Space, but the opening sequence still bears reiterating in our current context.

Thomas and Rachel are 2 self-respecting, intelligent people. They have one kid, and raise that kid to be like themselves; a self-respecting, intelligent person. They work hard, pay their taxes, pay their mortgage or rental agreement, and don't expect the government to hand out money, jobs, etc to them.

Bobby Sue and Bobby Joe are two uneducated, ignorant, inbred, IQ-of-87-on-a-good-day pieces of garbage. They have 8 kids, all of whom grow up to be (you guessed it) JUST LIKE THEM. They DON'T work hard, they don't pay taxes, and they're excited that "Obama will pay their rental agreement for them."

Who inherits the America of tomorrow? Sure, there will still be geniuses and well-raised citizens, but their proportion of the population is shrinking. "But," you say, "with so many people in this country, we'll still have plenty of intelligent, hard-working, tax-paying people to hold up the high end of the tax bracket, we can continue to lean on them." That logic is flawed. Already, 10% of the population pays 68% of the taxes (and earns 44% of the income), and every year that unequal wealth/tax distribution grows (which, of course, pisses off liberals for obvious reasons, but fiscal conservatives and libertarians should be equally horrified, and here's why). I won't bother trying to convince the social conservatives; if you think intelligent design is legitimate science, I don't expect you to understand high-fallutin' concepts like, say, macroeconomics.

If a shrinking proportion of people are contributing to the system, and a larger number of people are demanding handouts, at a certain point (read: NOW) the financial equation will no longer balance. This phenomenon builds gradually over time, but accelerates and becomes a "crisis" when a catalytic event such as an economic collapse (September 2008) or an international pandemic that kills off half the world's population (September 2010?), leaving only a handful of genuine contributors to the system.

"We need to care for the weakest among us!" cry the bleeding hearts. "Ok," I say, "Who are the weakest among us? The mentally ill? Ok. Veterans who lost limbs and are unable to earn much? Ok. Tell you what, I'll even kick in the poorest 10% of the population, just to satisfy the bleeding hearts. Fair?"

Hmmm... that all sounded fine, except... what percentage of the population do we ACTUALLY carry?

Here are the numbers: the "weakest among us" is the BOTTOM 50% OF THE POPULATION, who only pay 3% of taxes, which doesn't even cover the social program payments that go directly back to them. That means that we are literally carrying half of our population's weight.

What do we do with all that dead weight? Euthanize them? Sterilize them? Make them serfs like the old Russian system?

Here's an idea: we could stop paying them to breed.

Idea 2: Abolish the IRS altogether, and raise sales tax to 30%. "Oh, but all those poor out-of-work lawyers, accountants, and IRS agents!" you cry out. "We can make them serfs too," I reply.

Perhaps Messiah Obama will find a solution to our problem of shrinking Providers and growing Demanders (a problem compounded by our aging and retiring society). I'm not holding my breath though, so it's a good thing I'm not making any money from a single rental agreement, so I can be taken care of by all you hard working Providers!

suckers.

Source of Data: IRS

Entry 29 - Commercial Rental Agreement Idea #2: Slum Movie Theatres

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 06:18:43 -0500

I've frequented some pretty dingy movie theatres in my day: art-house theatres, indie hubs, converted barns, etc. And that's fine. You know why? Because movie theatres are one of the few establishments in the world where it doesn't matter how nice or shoddy the actual establishment is, what matters is the people who go there. This is why, incidentally, if you're thinking about buying an old theatre to start your commercial rental agreement empire (no Dive Bars for you, you say!), don't worry about the shape of the building, worry about the kind of people who go there.

As anyone who's ever been to a slum movie theatre knows, the human trash is far thicker than the candy-wrapper trash, and here are the list of femme-fatales and mustachioed-villains to look out for:

1. The Moron Who Thinks the Characters Can Hear Him

"Turn around! Turn around! He's behind you with a knife! Ohhhh, nooo!!!!" You know them just like I do, and their mothers shouldn't have drank so much MD 20/20 during pregnancy. Who said euthanasia was wrong, again?

2. The 17-Year-Old Mother Who Brings Her Brat

No, little Dontavius doesn't need to watch R-rated movies at 11:00 at night when he's four months old. What, you want him to grow up to be a screw-up just like you and your baby daddy? Give the kid a chance, at least. Oh yeah, and there's that little issue of the rest of the audience suddenly losing control and bashing the kid with a melty Twix bar because he won't shut the he11 up.

3. The Cell Phone Talker

You know, I put up with it for a little bit, when you were just texting. But instead of having the good grace to be embarrassed when your electronic tumor started going off, you actually picked up and answered. I know, I know, your friend just got out of jail after that armed robbery stint, and you want to catch up, but do us all a favor and go do it with a forty in a dark alley like a good little thug.

4. The Candy Thrower

You'd be surprised how often this is NOT someone under age seven, but rather a fully functional sixteen year old. They leave you with only two options: 1. Fire back, or 2. Climb over the seats towards them, stand in front of them, loudly assemble a particularly disgusting loogie, and let fly on their face. (Note about Option 2: check to see how big the Candy Thrower is before attempting)

5. Huge Head Guy/Girl

It could be a hat. It could be hair. It could be a fro hat (see a few entries back for details). But I feel that there should be some guy with a hedge-trimmer standing by to buzz down that monstrosity on the person-in-front-of-me's head.

So remember, if you're thinking about going into the movie theatre rental business, buy the crappiest building in the nicest neighborhood, and carefully screen your entrepreneurial tenants before signing a rental agreement. Sure, they may seem nice, but you already said you have a no-animals-in-the-building policy, and you don't want them violating the rental agreement by allowing the savages above into your building. I mean, what's the point of owning a movie theatre building if you can't enjoy the free movies as a perk?

Entry 28 – The Dive Bar & the Commercial Lease Agreement

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 10:57:50 -0500

Ever tried out being a commercial slumlord? No? But you must try it! Really, nothing like it in the world. What's that you say? You don't know where to start? Well now, pull up a chair, pour yourself a lukewarm can of Schlitz, and everyone's favorite bachelor uncle will tell you all about setting up the commercial space for a dive bar.

Now I know what you're going to say, something about that whole "liquor license" nonsense that your state's government will whine on about, but don't let some bureaucratic nitpicking get in the way of your dream.

To begin, you must find the part of town that most fits your Dive Bar Personality Test (rate each on a Tolerance Scale of 1 through 5, 1 being Least Tolerant, 5 being Most Tolerant):

1. Will you allow women with hairy armpits in your lease premises?

2. What's your tolerance for blather about whose favorite band/movie/naked play is more indie?

3. How do you feel about college students shotgunning beer cans in the establishment?

4. Where do you stand on cougars, bathroom sex, and cover bands of limited talent?

5. Does the sight of ten gallon hats send you into a belligerent rage at the expense of tractor-owners nationwide?

Now that you've decided that you are least tolerant of rednecks and most tolerant of hippies and hipsters, it's time to find an abandoned alcove in the artsy-shartsy part of town. Don't worry, you'd be amazed how many hairy, misfortunately-dressed people you can fit in 300 square feet.

Next, it's time to install the actual bar. Your great-aunt's old horizontal refrigerator will suffice (she's blind with dementia and won't even know it's gone for a solid two weeks), provided you have at least 3 blind, demented great-aunts, and then a few 2x4s from Home Depot will have the job done.

No dive bar is complete without a pool table, and this is the tricky part. You'll have to steal it from somewhere, but given the girth and weight of the average pool table, it will require an Herculean effort. I recommend dating someone whose parents own one, slipping them all a fizzy pill, and calling in your less scrupulous friends to help move the thing to your truck.

We're getting close. Darts will help distract the clientele from the fact that they're all unfathomably boring individuals with little to discuss except the latest edgy performance artist bent on publicly circumcising himself, and additional distractions might include hookahs, oxygen bars, and midget bartenders.

Finally, you might ask, where will you find a sucker dumb enough to sign a lease agreement on this thing? Here's the unfortunate catch: you'll probably have to run the place yourself. The good news? Your friends will come drink there, and keep you in business so long as you all don't drink up any possible profits.

So live the dream, hire that dwarf, and pray frantically every night that the local Liquor Board doesn't discover your little covert operation!

Entry 27 - Slumlord Millionaire

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Sun, 24 May 2009 22:26:49 -0500

(song and dance routines skipped by popular request)

Game Show Host: "Welcome to Slumlord Millionaire! You will be asked a series of questions, and when we think you're cheating, you'll have to explain how such an unlikely person knew the answer. If you successfully answer them all, you'll be our next Slumlord Millionaire winner!"

Question 1: Which of the following is the least dangerous method of heating a home?

Options: A) Leaving the oven on and open, B) Lighting a campfire on the dirt floor of the basement, C) Turning on an old radiator system and hoping for the best, or D) Feeding Cousin Jerome six cans of baked beans and handing him a lighter.

My Answer: C

How I Know: I've tried the other 3, and lost at least an eyebrow in each attempt.

Question 2: What is the lowest proof of liquor that will reliably burn?

My Answer: Trick question! 80 proof liquor will burn, but very poorly. At 100 proof, a more reliable flame can be achieved.

How I Know: My sister's boyfriend's neighbor's nephew (who happened to lease the next trailer over from me at the time) lost a bet and had to douse his arm with vodka and light it. The good news: he sustained lesser injuries from the mild burn than he did from his parents when they found out.

Question 3: Which of the following best explains why parents in the ghetto have more children, and start reproducing in their teenage years?

Options: A) Women below the poverty line are impervious to the chemical effects of birth control, B) The mischievous Condom Sprite flits from 7-11 to 7-11 poking holes in the condoms, C) Diaphrams are not manufactured large enough to adequately fit birth canals loosened from overuse, or D) They are paid to do so.

My Answer: D

How I Know: I'm one of the people who contributes money to their fecundity cause, through a distant uncle known only as Sam.

Question 4: How Many Legs Does a Dog Need for Mobility?

My Answer: Another trick question! A dog can walk with 3 legs, but can MOVE freely with 2, provided it has a Radio Flyer ghetto-rigged for it properly.

How I know: Little Max was unfortunately mistaken for a 200 lb. buck last hunting season, despite his diminutive 20 lb. stature and lack of antler rack. Billy Joe's lease agreement on his trailer was not renewed, despite his sincere efforts in rigging up his son's wagon for Max.

Entry 26 - Poverty in America: Statistics, Facts, and Unfounded Opinions

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Tue, 12 May 2009 18:10:27 -0500

Here are some statistics and facts that I found to be extremely surprising: (most from the US Census Bureau)

1. Poverty is classified by the US Census Bureau based on number of family members and number of children under 18, so by way of example, a family with 2 adults and 2 children would be below the poverty line if they earn less than $21,027 annually.

2. Among households classified as in poverty, 76% have air conditioning, 97% have at least one color television, 78% have a DVD player/VCR, 62% have satellite/cable TV, 73% have microwaves, and almost 75% have at least one car.

<--- (American Poverty)

3. Here's a big one: 46% of poverty-classified households own their own home, and the average home owned by poverty-classified households has 3 bedrooms, 1.5 baths, a garage, and a patio/porch.

4. The average person (not household, PERSON) classified in poverty has 439 square feet of living space to themselves (ie if 3 people share a 1,500 SF house, they'd each have 500 SF). This is less than the average citizen (not person in poverty, but AVERAGE CITIZEN) in Munich, London, Vienna, Paris, Athens, and almost any non-American city worldwide.

5. According to surveys of those classified as in poverty, only 4% reported severe physical problems with their residence. Of that 4%, half reported "having to share a bathroom" as the severe physical problem.

Still not to the Unfounded Opinions yet, but we'll get there.

It turns out that almost every measure that describes the average person in poverty, also describes me. I actually lost money in 2008, which offsets my roommate's income and puts us below the poverty line. Our 2008 house was 906 SF, or 453 per person, we did not have satellite TV, the house only had 2 bedrooms, no garage, no patio or porch. Oh, and we had to share a bathroom, which apparently was a "severe physical problem" in our house.

Wow, I can officially say I've lived in poverty. That's kind of cool (actually it was a really bad year and I hate the world now, but instead of going out and shooting a few dozen people over it, I started a blog). I think that means I can get away with writing this kind of stuff... right? Hehe.

(International Poverty)------>

Let's have an Unfounded Opinion or two, shall we?

1. Americans, even those who live in poverty, live better than almost anyone else in the world, but they whine a lot harder than citizens of other countries.

2. What's the real difference between someone living in poverty in America and someone who's not? Standard of living? Possibly, but more likely it has more to do with whether or not you were raised to value things like education over things like shooting someone because they looked at your Iroc wrong.

3. Tempting as it is to pin our national misconceptions about poverty on one or another political party, the fact is that both parties throw around hyperbolic cries of poverty in America when it suits them to achieve some political goal. But you'll never hear any of these stats from a politician because it's not "politically correct" to say that our poor people live like kings compared to anyone else in the world.

4. The next time I hear someone talk about the tragedy of abject poverty in this country, I'm going to hand them a fistful of deeds to rental properties in "poverty-stricken" neighborhoods, and give them a first-hand window into poverty in America.

...rant complete. Whew!

Entry 25 - Slum Fashion Statements: Where Function Meets Fashion

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 15:24:23 -0500

WOW!!!! Everyone came out of the woodwork on that last one, good times. But fear not, I'm not a comment wh0re, I won't take it mainstream like that everyday (shout out to some of my fearless commenters, like Jason Sardi, Georgina Hunter, Amanda Hall, Sandy and Jennifer and Russell - you guys have metaphorical coconut balls).

All right enough of the mushy stuff. Let's get down to business.

Some people think that long finger-and toenails are not only unattractive, but impractical. But what if these growths offer the specimen an evolutionary advantage, by frightening away predators? They are purportedly also useful in the act of coitus, by disfiguring the male's back so as to render him incapable of mating with other females of reproductive age.

If you're new to the trailer park, there are a few looks that any budding fourteen year-old trailer kitten can pull off. One is clothing made from the Stars 'N Bars; at once timeless and classy. Another is cutoff sleeves (fashion note: you must cut the sleeves off yourself). If you're a woman, you might consider a black eye, to better fit in, and it makes for an EXCELLENT conversation starter. But, man or woman, a beer gut is a must, which establishes trust and makes a careful statement of "I don't think I'm better than you."

Another important fashion tip for the fashion-forward teenager of today's slums is the fatherless pregnancy look, which makes a bold statement of "independent woman." You don't need a man to help you raise that kid; you've got your mother to raise it for you! Accessories to this look include Jim Beam whiskey and/or MD 20/20 bottles, with a possible "I screwed Jeff Foxworthy and all I got was this crappy baby" T-shirt to demonstrate your think-positive sense of humor.

Hats are important, no matter what low-end neighborhood you inhabit. These could be 10 gallon hats, or baseball caps, or even doo rags (I just learned how to spell that, incidentally). Or, best yet, you can make your own hat out of copious quantities of pomade and hair! (Safety Warning: extremely flammable, do not play with matches, lighters, or crack torches around Fro Hats).

You're never too old to keep up with today's fasions, so grab a bottle of pink Sutter Home wine, break out your best plastic wine glasses, and have all your girlfriends over for a Fashion Slum Party!

Not to be confused with a Fasion Slumber Party, involving naked pillowfights and $exual experimentation, which I insisted on believing in long after I stopped believing in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy.

Entry 24 - Popcorn Ceilings & Other Dastardly Deeds to Be on the Lookout For

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 12:03:13 -0500

If anyone makes a comment about ending that title in a preposition I'll reach across this computer and slap you. True story.

It occurred to me, late last night while floating on a nimbus of hookah and wine, that it's been a long time since we really talked about the basics of how to be a good slumlord. I'm talking old school, like why-not-to-install-central-air-conditioning (Entry 1, mofos!). So, without further ado, we're taking it back to basics.

One of the shadiest real estate investors I've ever met (and I've met more than my fair share, I assure you), used to buy properties that appeared in desperate need of a $50,000 overhaul, and put them in rental shape with $4,000. After signing a rental agreement with the first over-paying crack addict that came along, he would sell the house to another investor, for a steep mark-up because of the high rent.

You might think of this as the old carnie trick with the goldfish. "Step right up, pay $5 to play, it's easy, and win a goldfish to take home!" Never mind that the game wasn't REALLY easy to play, or the fact that those goldfish had a life expectancy of 72 hours.

There are some lessons to be learned here for you, my dear budding landlord or real estate investor. First of all, do your homework on the property's history and the tenant's history before buying a rental unit with a tenant. If the wholesaler bought it a month ago for $23,000, and is now trying to sell it to you for $75,000, I promise they didn't do $40,000 worth of work in that month, and you can bet that tenant was qualified for the rental agreement based solely on their pulse.

But most real estate investors know that already. Here's something you may not know: one of this guy's tricks was popcorn ceilings (and walls), to cover up all the rotting plaster, uneven walls, water-damaged ceilings, and (worst of all) structural problems in the property. If you see popcorn ceilings, you RUN. And maybe give the guy a good ol' manslap for good measure.

Alternatively, you could always take out a huge insurance policy on the property, and make it easy for the crackhead tenant to burn the place to the ground. Not saying it's a good idea, just saying it's an idea.

Entry 23 - Slumlord Hate Mail: The Plebians Speak

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 13:33:52 -0500

Nothing tells you that you're doing something right as a humorist like receiving copious quantities of hate mail. The idea, you see, is that if you're totally off the mark, no one pays you any attention, but if you hit the jail on the bed, well, suddenly people get angry. Because no one wants to hear about all those ugly little truths that plague us all; they live happily under the rug, and only become a threat when someone comes along, picks up the rug, and beats you with it.

I'm pleasuring myself with words again (disgusting habit, really), so I'll rein it in, but here are a few gems that just couldn't stay confined to my inbox any longer. By the way, all are welcome to share their OWN hate mail stories in the comments as well, so let's keep it... colorful.

"I find your blog offensive in the extreme. Your lack of compassion demonstrates your ignorance toward people who weren't born with a silver spoon dangling from their gums, and I highly recommend you spend some time actually getting to know the very people you insist on lampooning so caustically. E.S. Dubuque"

CSD: I know you! You visit the ghetto once/year for Flower Day, where you participate in "beautification projects," wherein you plant flowers and nod to "those poor souls living in abject poverty." Your condescension does not escape the notice of the residents, who resent you eternally for your "charity" as you climb back into your yellow Hummer and go back to rich suburbia. At least my condescension is honest!

"You college boys are all the same, always looking down on someone just cause they didn't grow up in a big city. I live just fine in a TRAILER PARK, and don't feel lik I gotta explain myself to you damn city liberals.

-Pritchett"

CSD: Nor do I have to explain myself to you, because it would fail to penetrate that unsightly white sheet on your head.

"It's conservative a$$holes like you who keep me living in a filthy ghetto. You probably think the south should've won the civil war and that my people were still pickin cotton in your daddy's plantation! ~Ledasha"

CSD: You're lucky that a$$holes like me are stupid enough to put money in your filthy ghetto, because it'd be a lot filthier if no one were willing to buy rental properties there and fix them up.

"You hide your black, soulless heart behind a veil of irony and sarcasm and wit, and think it makes you clever. When you rot in he11 don't say no one ever told you that God has plans for those who offer nothing but mockery to the wretched.

-ModernAngel"

CSD: Where to begin? 1. I offered high quality rental housing long before realizing my mistake; the mockery comes extra on the side, 2. I think calling poor people "the wretched" is easily more offensive than anything I've ever said, 3. If, somewhere deep under the surface of the earth, it turns out there's a creature with goat's feet, bull horns, and red skin that gets his jollies by poking dead people with a pitchfork, then I stand corrected as that disbelieving fool who should have been more gullible.

I don't know, I got a kick out of some of these, and figured I'd pass them on for their entertainment value. Don't be strangers! Keep the hate mail coming.

Entry 22 - Camouflage for the Hood

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 23:13:11 -0500

On the Slumlord Manifesto, we agreed that camouflage techniques for visiting the ghetto after dark were probably not a great idea.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not proposing you go to the ghetto after dark, unless you want your kids to collect on your life insurance policy. But sometimes, you have to visit your slum properties, and you may want to hide the fact that you, well, may not belong there. So here are a few ideas on Camouflage for the Slums, to help you fit in a little better.

Not Acceptable: Painting Your Skin Black

Hollywood can do miraculous things, such as the impressive camouflage job done on Robert Downey Jr. Unfortunately, you don't have their money or talent.

Acceptable: Hoodie Sweatshirt

This is ONLY ok if it is NOT your college sweatshirt, or any college sweatshirt for that matter.

Not Acceptable: The Tie around the Head

It didn't work for Steve Martin, it's not going to work for you either.

Acceptable: Sneakers/Tennis Shoes/Trainers

Do Brits really call them trainers? Add that to the list of questions that may never be answered.

Not Acceptable: Suits, Dress Pants, and Dress Shoes

You think you look damn good in that suit, and you want to wear it, don't you? Guess who else might start thinking THEY'D look just as good in that suit?

Acceptable: Literal Camouflage Pants (recommended for trailer parks only)

Only try this if you've worn them before, and been happy about it.

Not Acceptable: Showing off Your Brand New Viper

I wouldn't have included this one, on the assumption that it went without saying. But when I was 22 my boss actually drove his cherry red Dodge Viper convertible to the ghetto, and I learned a valuable lesson that day: it takes years of making smart decisions to afford a Viper, and only one moment of stupidity to ruin it.

Entry 21 – Extreme Eviction-able Offenses

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 14:49:28 -0500

All right, now I know you all were shocked and appalled by my slumlord Extreme Eviction Practices last time around. "What on earth," you wonder, "could a tenant do to deserve such cruel and unusual treatment?"

Ok, ok, you twisted my arm. I'll tell you.

Extreme Eviction-able Offense 1: Being a Crazy Cat Lady

We all know one, and they're usually harmless older ladies. Unfortunately, their feline friends leave an odor that could choke a grown yak, and cause permanent brain damage to future tenants' children (and guess who they'll sue when THAT happens?).

Extreme Eviction-able Offense 2: An Adult to Child Ratio of >1:5

It's a strange thing, but when I was growing up, my parents taught me that having kids was a… what was that long word? Oh that's right, "responsibility." I really, REALLY want to rant for a few pages about this one, but I'll leave it at this: If condoms cost a dollar, and children cost $6,000-20,000/year apiece, and you treat them like crap because you never wanted them in the first place, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE THEM TO SOMEONE WHO WON'T RAISE THEM TO BE A CRACKHEAD LIKE YOU.

And get your tubes tied while you're at it.

Extreme Eviction-able Offense 3: Committing a Crime that Carries a Prison Term of More than 10 Years

As a new landlord, I didn't want any crimes being committed in my rental properties. Later, I realized this shrunk my rental applicant pool to somewhere around zero, so I've been slowly lowering this bar ever since. You know, things like Murder 1, Violent Rape, and Driving Honda Civics with Vertically-Opening Doors are all on my current list of prohibited activities.

Extreme Eviction-able Offense 4 (Corollary to Offense 3): Playing P. Diddy (or Puff Daddy, or Puffy, or whatever he goes by this week) Loudly, or at All, for that Matter

Part of me wants to expand on this point, but the other, rational part says I don't have to. But he makes for one handsome mug shot!

Extreme Eviction-able Offense 5: Burning Tires to Cook Squirrels

Trailer parks are notorious for this one. But the beauty of this particular offense is that you can actually witness natural selection at work, by watching the physiological consequences of doing something this stupid. That said, the smell is intolerable, so you have to step in BEFORE their transformation to vegetable is complete.

Entry 20 – Extreme Eviction with Crazy Shark Dude

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 21:51:45 -0600

We're going to do a two-part series (we all know how well that worked out last time, right?), on slumlord evictions. Part 1 will focus on classic slumlord eviction practices, which are in no way legal but certainly make for, well, entertainment. Part 2 (next week!) is for the crazy things slum tenants do to bring about these Extreme Eviction Practices.

Extreme Eviction Practice 1: Host a Yard (or Rummage, if you're from the Midwest) Sale

Times are tight, landlords need some extra cash… what to do? Have a yard sale while your tenant is out of town, of course!

And besides, if your tenant can afford that 60 inch plasma TV, they should be able to make their rent, right? F@ck it, sell that $hit and go to Tahiti for a long weekend of leis and lays.

PS – Make sure you wait until the tenants go out of town – wouldn't want them coming home in the middle of the yard sale and ruining all the fun!

Extreme Eviction Practice 2: Make Up a Crime and Call the Cops on Them

"Well, crap, Bob, that 15 year old girl screaming 'rape' must have come from next door… well how was I supposed to know? I mean your daughter's pretty hot, it just made sense…"

They'll get over it. Eventually.

Extreme Eviction Practice 3: Make Them an Offer They Can't Refuse

No one wants to come home to find their kid's rabbit boiling on the stove. But then again, better their kid's rabbit than their kid… just speaking hypothetically here, of course.

Just saying, you know, that accidents happen.

Extreme Eviction Practice 4: Burn It & Mourn It

Well, you could spend a lot of time and money on eviction, and then even more time and money cleaning the place up, painting, carpeting, fixing that commode that's always threatening to explode, then wait around a while for a new tenant to come along. Or, maybe some of that old wiring in the house got crossed (accidentally, mind you), and there was an incident.

And by incident we mean the house went up in flames, and you hired a good company to negotiate on your behalf for a higher insurance payout. Shucks, I don't know what just happened, one day I had this piece of $hit house, and the next I had a fat check… it's a hard life.

Entry 19 - Misplaced Billboards that Were Banned Before their Time

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 12:17:10 -0600

Sometimes, billboards are simply poorly placed, or placed a little too well. What brought this to mind was a billboard in the ghetto that was advertising a pickup truck, and the tag line ran "You can take all your hoes with you!"

I guess someone didn't do their research on the local culture versus their target audience.

So we went out and tried to find similar examples, and this is what we found:

Billboard 1 to my right here was posted in West Virginia, where the authorities, in concert with the highest-selling consumer product, thought they might tackle two problems at once: Incest and public intoxication.

They get points for creativity in their approach (and a dark sense of irony, which I personally respect), but unfortunately the campaign backfired on the state (as Jack Daniels was hoping it would), and Jack Daniels sales "mysteriously" increased precipitously.

Billboard 2 here was found in south Florida, right outside a senior living center. Amazingly, this billboard solved several social problems plaguing the institution, which saw decreased messes due to incontinence AND a lower STD rate (a serious public health problem among senior living communities, despite little media attention).

Billboard 3 speaks for itself, so I won't even bother with the dark commentary, but I will say that if I had- I-mean- were Big Dick, I'd rename that shot they're famous for.

Billboard 4: Texas, Texas, Texas... whatever will we do with you?

Of course, this billboard wasn't actually posted in Texas, as you'll notice that it's trying to encourage tourism TO Texas. No, but I'll give you one guess as to where it WAS posted. Ready?

Utah, in a heavily Mormon community, where, you'd be surprised to learn what still counts as virginity. Let's just say they're very... technical.

I don't know about you, but I'm stopping by Texas before my move to Italy (see Entry 15 for details), and the rest of you are welcome to, ah, come!

Entry 18 - Three Unbelievable Cases of Insurance Fraud

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:24:21 -0600

"It takes a big man to cry, but an even bigger man to laugh at him." -Jack Handy

I once sat in a man's office to discuss how he was going to accomplish a no-money-down mortgage by fooling the permanent lender (read: fraud), and he received a phone call during which he reprimanded a branch manager for allowing fraud in his office. I lost it when he said, straight-faced, "Well, Bill, fraud affects us all, and you need to ask yourself some soul searching questions."

Fraud… fraud… what is fraud, anyway? Most of us have included some quasi-personal expenses among our business expenses on our tax returns, but is that fraud? Is telling the young lady at the bar that you have a foot-long rooster fraud? Well, enough speculating and philosophical ma$turbating. Here are three cases of insurance fraud that are… amusing:

Insurance Fraud Case 1

Billy Jane (ever wonder why redneck women have men's names?) kept a few cases of aging dynamite in her crawlspace. Unbelievable as this may seem, it didn't even belong to her, but belonged to her boyfriend Arbutus, who used it for fishing. Yes, fishing.

She told her husband they were flares, so one day when the power went out, he went down to the crawlspace, took one out, and lit it. (Aside – to this day we don't know if this outcome was intentional or not.) In a remarkably clever, if wholly despicable, maneuver, she managed to eliminate her husband and claim both the life insurance and homeowner's insurance money, after stating in her claim that her "husband was killed due to a gas leak from the furnace, while lighting his corncob pipe." She then moved in with Arbutus, a wealthy woman, and died later that year under "suspicious circumstances."

Karma, anyone?

Insurance Fraud Case 2

Female (pronounced Fe-mahl-ie – it's a "tribal name," according to her) heated her house with her oven. Anyone who graduated 5th grade knows this is not the wisest thing a person can do, but alas, Female dropped out to run drugs at the ripe age of 11, because her parents thought education was worth less than the $19/day she brought in, but never mind my sociological eyebrow-raising.

When the house inevitably burned down, taking her husband's malnourished pitbull he used for dogfighting with it (a blessing for the pitbull, mind you), she claimed on her insurance that the late dog knocked over her husband's cooking torch, which he was using to cook "crème brulee." Her story was made plausible only by the fact the adjuster wholeheartedly believed her husband had a cooking torch, and decided not to look to closely into what it was used for.

Insurance Fraud Case 3

Paco had 17 people living in a 4-bedroom house, which was essentially the clown car of real estate. Paco didn't have any rental insurance, because the aggregate value of the (17 person) family's personal property was $97.43 (most of which was a giant glass cross hanging on the wall). But his neighbor coveted his glass cross (a "clear" case of irony), and knicked it, only to tie it to the hood of his 1986 Toyota Tercel as an oversized hood ornament, so Paco decided to take action.

And by action, we mean he called INS (from a payphone) on his neighbor, and still didn't get insurance, because why the f@ck would he want to insure the remaining $14 worth of personal property?

Happy Claims-Making!

Entry 17.5 - Interlude (or, a Visual Treatise on $hithead America)

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 14:46:06 -0600

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Slumlord Humor Blog to bring you this, which just couldn't wait until next week: --------->

I don't know what to make of that. Honestly.

Except for one phrase that my ex-girlfriend's hilariously bitchy mother used to summarize our country's intellectual deficits:

$HITHEAD AMERICA.

Entry 17 - The Slumlord Manifesto

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:39:05 -0600

It's time, folks. Time for slumlords everywhere to come together under a common flag, and abide by common rules of conduct. A manifesto, if you will, comprised of the Ten Commandments of Slum Landlording.

Commandment 1: Thou Shalt Not Talk about Fight Cl-

Oh crap, too late.

Commandment 2: Thou Shalt Not Pay Utilities. Ever.

Really? You really want to pay for your trailer tenant's Skinemax cable bill? Or their $400 electric bill from cooking all that crack? Ok, that's what I thought.

Commandment 3: Thou Shalt Not Live in the Same Slum as Your Tenants

This one goes out, in particular, to trailer park owners, who just can't stay away from the smell of burnt tires mixed with pig carcass.

Commandment 4: Thou Shalt Not Accept Sex as Rental Income

Times are tough, tenants are defaulting, and offering "alternative" forms of payment. But take it from someone who knows: you WILL go broke doing this.

Commandment 5: Thou Shalt Not Lose Money to Tenant Lawsuits

Welfare queens with 10 kids be damned! When they sue you for their kids being congenitally vegetative, and they win (they always win), don't pay the judgment. If you have to create an irrevocable trust owned through your spouse's grandmother's dog in Tahiti, and earn your income through THAT, then so be it. But don't give in to their opportunistic thieving and encourage their sense of entitlement.

Commandment 6: Thou Shalt Not Offer Free Rent

Tenants will beg you, threaten you, cajole you, and curse you, but don't give them free rent. And I know what you're thinking, and you clearly need to go back and reread Commandment 4. And no, you won't accept payment in drugs, no matter how much you may want to, because they can blackmail you for it later.

Commandment 7: Thou Shalt Not Allow Illegal Activity on the Premises

Unless it involves you, of course. We already covered in Entry 13 some Slow Market Survival techniques, not all of which are, you know, "technically legal," or whatever.

Commandment 8: Thou Shalt Not Visit Your Properties After Dark

You might think that your "camouflage" (which could be literal, in the case of the trailer park) makes you fit in, and that's all well and good. But how badly do you want to test that theory?

Commandment 9: Thou Shalt Not Provide Central Air Conditioning

Remember Entry 1, people.

Commandment 10: Thou Shalt Not Be Ashamed of Your Profession

Everyone loves to hate on slumlords. Liberals accuse you of profiteering, conservatives disdain you. But you know what you can do when someone gives you a hard time? You introduce them to your tenants. At night. In a dark alley.

Slumlords Unite!

Entry 16 - The Top 3.5 Slumlord Plumbing Mistakes

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 11:31:56 -0600

Well, it seems that my satirical discourses on the Right and Left (Entries 14 & 15, respectively) did nothing but piss off, well, both the Right and Left, which is more or less everybody. That's all right, but in the interest in not alienating every single person on Active Rain, we're going back-to-basics for this one.

What do all comedians do when they realize they've just delivered a joke that's a little too edgy for their audience? They reverse directions and go with the Universal Joke: toilet humor.

So we're going to take that literally today, and talk about the Top 3 Plumbing Mistakes made by "slumbers," known better to you and I as slum plumbers.

Slum Plumbing Mistake 1: Switching the Hot & Cold Water Lines

This one has happened to me personally. Sure, the tenant's in for a shocker when they turn on the shower for the first time, and yeah, they have to remember which handle is which on the sink. But the really interesting things happen when someone sits down on the john for the first time, and jumps back up because it's hot and the water's steaming.

Memorable Tenant Quote: "You don't understand: my comMODE is going to exPLODE!"

Slum Plumbing Mistake 2: The Small Sewer Line Pipe

I think you can all imagine what happens when, in an effort to cut costs, the slum plumber buys the next smallest size piping because it was on clearance sale at the local hardware store. Everything works fine for a month or so, but then one day the unthinkable happens: someone flushes a tampon AND a Big Mac wrapper down the toilet in back-to-back flushes. Guess what happens when that ingested Big Mac returns to "rear" its ugly head?

Slum Plumbing Mistake 3: Why Everyone Needs A Sump Pump

I like basements, I really do. You can store stuff in them, or finish them to make extra rooms out of them… but they come with a price tag. The day always comes, with every basement, that it will flood. Now, if you're lucky, it will flood with water, whether through the walls or from a broken water line somewhere in the house. If you're unlucky, it's a broken sewer line.

It is at these times when one acquires a very quick education on day-laborers, because you'll have a choice: pay a professional plumber $120/hour to clean it up, or hire a crackhead for $7/hour. You could, theoretically, clean it up yourself, but that wouldn't be in keeping with the Slumlord Commandments (next week's entry).

Aside: in Baltimore City, day laborers congregate each morning at the 711 on Broadway, north of Fells Point and south of Johns Hopkins. For other cities, you'll have to ask around.

Plumbing Sabotage Method (the .5) - Upper Decking (courtesy of Jason Sardi)

Mr. Sardi reminded me of a cruel and unusual method of sabotaging someone's plumbing: upper decking their commode. You see, if a toilet were a baseball stadium, with the bowl being the field, and the seat being the lower deck, then the tank is the upper deck. Those who have been upper decked know what happens when the action takes place in the nosebleed section instead of on the field, and their lives are more... colorful, for it.

Now I would never tell you to spend a fortune on your slum rental properties, because that's foolish. But I will tell you this: when you find a decent plumber who doesn't charge an arm and a leg, stay on his good side!

Entry 15 - Are You or Someone You Know A Victim of the Ghetto? (Public Version)

Crazy Shark Dude (Mako Property Management) — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 11:24:36 -0600

Last time around was for the Old Guard, with their shotguns and three-legged dogs. This time, we're going after you New Guard types with your fried chicken and tiny bikes. What did we talk about last time, kids? No ideological whining!

Today we're going to talk about something very serious: victims of the ghetto.

Have you or someone you know ever been beaten with an extension cord? Have you grown suspicious that the ice cream truck always lingers around the same dark alley with the same strung-out streetwalkers, when all you wanted was a Chipwich? Mixed up a jug of Kool-Aid only to discover you don't have enough bags of sugar to make it sweet enough?

If so, you may qualify for President Obama's new social welfare movement: Government Helping Endow Torpid Thugs Opulently.

Now I know what you're thinking: Little Shaniqueashana is already 200% overweight and doesn't need that Chipwich washed down with Kool-Aid. But how do you know the Kool-Aid doesn't disinfect the water supply that's intentionally soiled by the slum landlord? And Chipwiches contain valuable nutrients and minerals, like protein, calcium, and over 400% Daily Value trans fats.

Little Tyrone needs your help. And no, I'm not talking about your kid's missing bike that he got for Christmas, I mean money. And to be fair, we'll make sure some of that money gets watered down through a few dozen bureaucracies before it gets to him, because Lord knows this country needs jobs, right?

So be a good American and vote yes for the G.H.E.T.T.O. initiative, and make the streets a better place for Little Tyrone, Uncle Michael Vick, and the powdered drinks industry nationwide.

Conclusive Note: F@ck it, I'm moving to Europe and chilling in a little Italian villa where they roll barrels of wine down the hill from the town vineyard. You can keep your Hypocritical Right ("Republicans stand for smaller government!" yeah right) and your Protectionist Left ("You don't feel like working? That's ok here's money so you can keep breeding and watering down the collective IQ!"). Enjoy the ever-expanding juggernaut that is the US government, and I'll be thinking about you while I'm sipping chianti.