jokes: Wabbit's - 05/29/07 05:01 PM
I just heard this one and it is too funny.A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her … (3 comments)
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jokes: the crew - 05/28/07 10:40 AM
WHAT A CREWA fire started on some grassland near a farm.The C.D.F. fire department was calledto put the fire out.The fire was a more than the C.D.F. could handle.Someone suggested that a nearbyvolunteer bunch be called.Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfitwould be of any assistance, the call was made.The volunteers … (8 comments)
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jokes: Memorial day - 05/27/07 01:50 AM
Hey all.It is Memorial Day Weekend. What are your plans for this weekend? Are you working your real estate business? Are you spending time with family and/or friends? Whatever you are doing, may you have a great and safe Memorial Day and not eat too much. haha I would love to … (3 comments)
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jokes: on the patch - 05/27/07 01:35 AM
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jokes: Stumpy - 05/27/07 01:26 AM
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jokes: Mystery - 05/27/07 01:21 AM
UNSOLVEDMYSTERYJuan comes up to the Mexican borderon his bicycle. He's got two large bags overhis shoulders.The guard stops him and says,"What's in the bags?""Sand," answers Juan.The guard says,"We'll just see about that ~get off the bike."The guard takes the bagsand rips them apart;he empties them out andfinds nothing in them but … (2 comments)
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jokes: I Own the Fastest Car!! - 05/26/07 12:28 AM
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. … (2 comments)
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jokes: Long Marriage - 05/26/07 12:19 AM
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jokes: Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address - 05/26/07 12:16 AM
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jokes: 6 SmartAss Answer's - 05/26/07 12:00 AM
Top 6 Smartass AnswersSMARTASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.SMARTASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check … (4 comments)
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jokes: Upstairs with Uncle Paul - 05/25/07 11:52 PM
"Hello?""Hi honeyThis is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?""No Daddy.She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."After a brief pause,Daddy says,"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.""Oh yes I do,and he's upstairs in the roomwith Mommy, right now."Brief Pause."Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.Put the phone … (0 comments)
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jokes: Have you wondered why? - 05/25/07 02:03 AM
Ever Wonder?Can you cry under water?How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?Once you're in heaven, do you get … (3 comments)
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jokes: Who is really doing the work? - 05/25/07 12:43 AM
SO WHO IS DOING THE WORK?The population of this country is 300 million.160 million are retired.That leaves 140 million to do the work.There are 85 million in school.Which leaves 55 million to do the work.Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.Leaving 15 million to do the work.2.8 … (12 comments)
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jokes: What an email can do... - 05/22/07 11:02 AM
I thought this one was pretty funny. Hope you think so too...
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his … (12 comments)
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jokes: A little office humor... - 05/22/07 10:58 AM
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand."Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you … (5 comments)
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jokes: Cheers - 05/21/07 10:49 AM
The answer to one of life's great mysteries! I haven't heard anyone explain this as well as the all-wise Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm... "Well ya see Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo … (10 comments)
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jokes: Redneck Humor - 05/21/07 12:00 AM
One of my friends emailed this to me... probably because I live in Redneck territory. Anyways, I do not know the original author, but figured I would share it with you all. Enjoy!
Social Tips For Rednecks
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 2. It's considered tacky to … (6 comments)
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jokes: As I've matured - 05/19/07 09:39 AM
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jokes: Mom - 05/18/07 02:16 AM
GOODBYE MOMA young man shopping in a supermarket Noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She fi nally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at … (2 comments)
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jokes: words for 2007 - 05/18/07 02:13 AM
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jokes: How to catch a listing! LOL! - 05/16/07 10:15 AM
MY FRIEND Marilyn, a real-estate agent, had difficulty getting a listing from a customer whose theory was that "there is no substitute for experience." After he asked her a third time how many years she had been in the business, she told him: "Sir, there is a little-known historical fact that … (9 comments)
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jokes: Real words from courtrooms - 05/15/07 11:37 PM
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place? _________________________________ Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775.00 a week." Husband: … (9 comments)
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jokes: Best positions in bed. - 05/15/07 10:50 AM
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jokes: Farmer - 05/15/07 12:09 AM
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence from where the lawyer shot.As the lawyer started to climb over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor … (5 comments)
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jokes: Don't let this happen - 05/12/07 03:16 AM
Body: Body: >Man: Where have you been all my life?>Woman: Hiding from you.>Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?>Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.>Man: Is this seat empty?>Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.>Man: Your place or mine?>Woman: Both. You go to yours, and … (3 comments)
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jokes: Texas - 05/12/07 02:54 AM
Tall TalesThree cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose … (2 comments)
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jokes: Arkansas laws - 05/12/07 02:50 AM
Dumb Arkansas LawsThe Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw"A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise. A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. … (2 comments)
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jokes: Rhode Island - 05/12/07 02:49 AM
Dumb Rhode Island LawsRhode Island recently applied to the US Government to make all the coastal waters of Rhode Island a "No Discharge Zone". The ostensible purpose was to prohibit the discharge of sewage by boats into the state's waters. However, discharge of raw sewage into the state waters was already … (2 comments)
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jokes: Advice to Young Men from an Old Man - 05/07/07 03:10 AM
This is funny:Advice to Young Men from an Old Man 1. Don't pick on the weak. It's immoral. Don't antagonize the strong without cause, its stupid. 2. Don't hate women. It's a waste of time 3. Invest in yourself. Material things come to those that have self actualized. 4. Get in … (4 comments)
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jokes: Kensington Advisors Travel Policy - LOL - 04/24/07 08:28 PM
KENSINGTON ADVISORS TRAVEL POLICY NOTICE Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately. LODGING All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on Company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking … (2 comments)
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jokes: Bunches of Real Estate Humor! - 04/24/07 08:26 PM
The Butler And The Beautiful Wife "There was a butler named James who worked for a couple, and the wife was a very beautiful woman, much younger than her husband," related Spencer. "One evening, they told James that they would be out for dinner and wouldn't return until 11 o'clock. But … (3 comments)
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jokes: Real Estate Humor- Happy 50th! LOL! - 04/24/07 08:20 PM
Happy 50th!! Harold and Irene went out for dinner to celebrate their 50th anniversary. After a couple of glasses of wine, Harold asks "Irene, have you ever cheated during our marriage?" "No, of course not." "If you had, it's okay" Harold said, "I just wanted to know." "Well..." "Well, what?" "Well" … (4 comments)
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jokes: Joke Of The Day - 04/11/07 12:42 PM
You have to do this...absolutely hilarious! 1. Go to http://www.google.com/
2. Click on "maps"
3. Click on "get directions"
4. Type "New York, NY" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. Type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)
6. Click "get directions"
7. Scroll down to step #23
*What was this person thinking??? Great … (4 comments)
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jokes: For Anyone that needs a Chuckle today.... - 04/08/07 09:25 AM
I thought this was cute enough to share....hope you enjoy it.
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?5. I went … (28 comments)
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jokes: How Smart is Your Right Foot? - 04/03/07 09:55 AM
How smart is Your Right Foot ? ?Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon............This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again tosee if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's preprogrammed in yourbrain!1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you … (1 comments)
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jokes: To All Active Rain Pranksters! - 04/01/07 05:46 AM
This is dedicated to everyone who loves a good Practical Joke. I know a couple of you love them more then others!
Have a Great April Fools Day!
By the way, to who ever set my clock a hour fast? NO FAIR! I will find out who it was and get you … (26 comments)
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jokes: HOOKERS, HOCKEY PLAYERS and the Quick Witted Realtor! - 03/31/07 01:31 PM
Ok... My favorite real estate joke...
So this customer walks in to a real estate office and says to the agent on duty, "I'd like to buy half a house."
The agent looks at the customer and scratches his head... "Sir, wait here... I'll be right back." The agent walks in to his … (11 comments)
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jokes: More Irish Humor - 03/26/07 03:44 PM
Driving Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly … (8 comments)
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jokes: Joke Of The Day - 03/01/07 09:07 AM
A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They hadgreat seats right behind their team's bench.After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience."Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants andall the big muscles. But I just couldn't understand why they were … (2 comments)
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jokes: Reasons to stay at work all night- joke - 02/23/07 07:43 AM
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jokes: Today's Jokes - 02/20/07 11:24 AM
A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?" … (0 comments)
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jokes: Today's Jokes - 02/20/07 08:49 AM
Lawyer at the Pearly Gates
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name … (1 comments)
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jokes: Jokes of the Day - 02/19/07 12:56 PM
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, … (1 comments)
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jokes: Today's Joke - 02/19/07 12:48 PM
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constantarguments, a young man and his wife decided the only wayto save their marriage was to try counseling. They hadbeen at each other's throat for some time and felt thatthis was their last straw.When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselorjumped … (2 comments)
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jokes: Phone Solicitors - It's a Good Laugh - 02/18/07 05:04 PM
By: Ed BrophySynergy MortgageFebruary 18, 2007Being a mortgage broker and being all over the web I receive my fair share of solicitation calls from people trying to sell me everything from mortgage leads to the kitchen sink. While surfing the web today I found this little tidbit and thought I'd share … (12 comments)
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jokes: Short and Sweets - 02/02/07 09:07 AM
This was emailed to me this morning and I have no clue who the Author is - but some of them are true for everybody! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making … (22 comments)
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jokes: AR Comedy Club - Featured Posts Update - 01/24/07 02:20 PM
Friends, ARians, and Comedians,
I appologize for slacking on my administrative duties of featuring top comedic posts on a weekly basis. I have become, like most others in the industry, rather busy since the first of the year and have had to cut back on my involvement on certain activities.
I have made Marc … (9 comments)
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jokes: Joke-New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies - 01/24/07 08:46 AM
I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant … (2 comments)
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jokes: What happens when people of differant occupations get old - 01/18/07 07:44 PM
What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.- Old bankers never die, they just lose … (3 comments)
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jokes: Business one-liners - 01/18/07 11:01 AM
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.A bird in the bush … (2 comments)
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jokes: Golf & "The Business" - Are you creating relationships? - 01/17/07 12:59 PM
Well as many of us play the game, we know what fun and what a marketing tool that golf can sometimes be. I use it myself to get some 1 on 1 time with my clients and to really show them how I am and how I conduct my business. It … (5 comments)
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jokes: 9 Funny Things About All People - 01/13/07 03:30 PM
Here is something to chew on.
9 Funny Things About All People1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is, where the is yours?
2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote … (8 comments)
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jokes: 14 Reasons to Be Happy to Be Alive in 2007 --- Part 2 - 01/05/07 12:33 AM
Not sure if all of this is true but it is fun so who cares.
PART 2
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and … (0 comments)
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jokes: 14 Reasons to Be Happy to Be Alive in 2007 --- Part 1 - 01/05/07 12:21 AM
You know those annoying jokes, photos, stories that your annoying friends, family, probation officer, etc. are always forwarding to you, I finally recieved a good one. This is not my work so if someone has copyright on it please let me know and I will remove it with my apologies.
The next … (1 comments)
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jokes: Jokes about the War in Iraq - 01/01/07 03:31 AM
I know the war is no joke, but it may end soon, so I better discard all my old jokes. It may not relate to real estate now, but after the war the land will be way cheap in the Middle East, don't you think?
An American soldier conducts a questioning session … (1 comments)
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jokes: AR Comedy Club - Week 2 - Featured Posts - 12/17/06 09:45 PM
Well, I have to say that things have been pretty busy on my end to keep up with all the great posts that have been on AR, lately. So, with that said, I have secretly apointed a couple moderators to help me monitor this group. Those moderators will help me decide who … (12 comments)
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jokes: Buyers are Liars! ( Sellers too) LOL - 12/16/06 11:21 AM
My buyer told me that he lived in the same house for 10 years. When I checked, I found out he'd still be theretoday if the Governor hadn't pardoned him.Why do you have your front door leading right into the dining room? So my relatives won't have to waste anytime.The sellers … (2 comments)
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jokes: Keys to Moving up in the company - 12/14/06 04:55 PM
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothingin their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the … (6 comments)
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jokes: Top 8 excuses to get out of work - 12/14/06 04:53 PM
I won't be coming to work today because:______________________1. If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. 2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back … (3 comments)
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jokes: Murphy's law of the work place - 12/14/06 04:50 PM
Murphy's law of the work place.......LOL......If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.It doesn't matter what you do. It … (0 comments)
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jokes: Casual Fridays? LOL - 12/14/06 04:49 PM
Casual Fridays?
Week 1 - Memo No. 1Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.Week 3 - Memo No. 2Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles … (2 comments)
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jokes: History of Real Estate Agents LOL - 12/14/06 04:43 PM
A Brief History Of Real Estate Agents 6 MILLION BC: God searches for a planet to establish life. Encounters real estate agent from "Lucifer's Planets & Gardens" who says "I've got a great deal on a fixer-upper just 90 million miles from the Sun." 5.9 MILLION BC: God buys the … (2 comments)
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jokes: AR Comedy Club - Week 1 - Featured Posts - 12/10/06 10:21 PM
Wow... there were a lot of great posts this week. It was very hard to choose who had the best jokes and stories.After much laughter, I have made my choices.In the category of best video:Ding Fries Are Done...Ding Fries Are Done...Ding Fries Are Done...ROAR! by "The Lovely Wife"...Broker, Bryant's...Wife! In the … (3 comments)
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jokes: Computer Joke - 12/05/06 12:56 PM
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jokes: Cukoo Clock - 12/03/06 03:00 PM
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jokes: Smart Quiz - 12/03/06 02:57 PM
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional.
Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!
# 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
>> > > … (1 comments)
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jokes: Appraisal Jokes - 11/25/06 10:31 AM
NEW IMPROVED SPEEDY APPRAISAL FORMCustomer Name:________________________________________Subject Property Address:____________________________________________________________Description of Subject Property and Neighborhood:Subject property is located in _______________________, a popular, well-maintained area that has enjoyed dramatic appreciation over the past year. Most buyers appeared to be unconcerned with size or overall utility of these homes, and seemed to be paying between … (5 comments)
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jokes: CONGRATS ON YOUR NEW HOME......JOKE - 11/19/06 07:03 PM
A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious … (5 comments)
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jokes: Property Manager-joke - 11/18/06 11:42 AM
I am currently a Property Manager as well as a Real Estate Associate- so I figured I should share this joke with you........
A property manager dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell … (4 comments)
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jokes: How to pass the time away at the office....... - 11/16/06 11:57 AM
Some great ways to annoy people at work...1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)3. Insist that your e-mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or elvis-the-king@companyname.com.4. Every time someone asks … (14 comments)
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jokes: Ads gone wrong.......... - 11/16/06 11:32 AM
I took the liberty of gathering ads that just well- went wrong. Well you have heard when animals turn wild? Well this is When Newspaper Ads turn bad...............Great as humor, bad as ads...2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one … (1 comments)
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jokes: You know you are addicted to coffee if............ - 11/16/06 11:18 AM
You know you are addicted to coffee if ...You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn … (2 comments)
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jokes: Top 10 reasons that it's time to sell your home - 11/14/06 04:53 PM
Top 10 Signs That It's Time to Sell Your Home; 1. When you bought your house, you lived in the country. Now you're surrounded by high rises. 2. You can't get any appliances repaired because "they stopped making those parts years ago." 3. The swing set in the backyard has sprouted roots. … (6 comments)
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jokes: Ben Stein's Observation - 10/01/06 10:58 AM
One of my cousins sent me this today, I hope this isn't against the rules. This is very thought provoking and is internet related. I like Ben Stein and enjoy hearing his financial advice. If they know of him at all, many folks think Ben Stein is just a quirky … (2 comments)
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jokes: This is too good - 09/28/06 10:47 AM
I found this picture and just had to share it it was to good. The thing that made it so interesting was the fact that an agent here in the office is going on vacation next week and this picture gave me many ideas on what to do to his office … (2 comments)
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jokes: Friday Humor - 09/08/06 07:03 PM
Here are a few more funnies I have found on the 'net: … (1 comments)
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jokes: The Power of Descriptions - 09/02/06 04:53 PM
"Humor for the Week"
What the ad says vs What the ad means
"Great Starter Home" It will be condemned any day
"Cozy Cottage" Living room was a closet
"T.L.C" Takes Lotsa Cash
"Fixer-Upper" Bring a bulldozer
"Pool" Basement is flooded
"On Golf Course" Replace broken windows!
"California Style" Yard … (3 comments)
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jokes: Heard any good jokes lately - 08/31/06 02:07 AM
Time for some fun!! Here is a real estate joke I found online. You guys post yours too(try to keep it clean). Life is too short and our business is too hard to not laugh a little.***An elderly client walks into the office of the agent who just sold her new home … (2 comments)
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