Friday Funny - 05/29/09 11:23 AM
Pregnancy questions and answers
Pregnancy questions and answersQ: Should I have a baby after 35?A: No, 35 children is enough.Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?A: Childbirth.Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.A: So what's your question?Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air currentQ: When is the … (2 comments)

Thursday Funny - 05/28/09 10:40 AM
Paint the Porch
A blonde moves to Beverly Hills, hoping to find an acting job. After a couple weeks with no luck, she decides to go around to some of the rich people's houses and see if she can do some odd jobs for them to make a little money. She finally goes to one house, and a guy and his wife come to the door. "Sure, I have a job for you," says the guy, "You can paint my porch. How much money do you want?" The blonde thinks about it and says "I can do it in less than … (2 comments)

Tuesday Funny - 05/26/09 11:34 AM
Soap
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, … (3 comments)

Friday Funny - 05/22/09 05:49 PM
The Flatlander
A flatlander walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The flatlander is suitably impressed, and buys it.The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!"The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the flatlander says, "What's that noise?"
… (6 comments)

Thursday Funny - 05/21/09 10:48 AM
Coach
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and sked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'The little boy nodded in the affirmative.'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'The little boy nodded yes.'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Doyou understand all that?'The little boy nodded again.He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a … (4 comments)

Wednesday Funny - 05/20/09 11:08 AM
Five Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than … (8 comments)

Tuesday Funny - 05/19/09 12:10 PM
A few Days off
I decided that I needed a few days off and realized that I had run out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy, thinking he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off. I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde-it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing. "Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get … (7 comments)

Afternoon Funny - 05/18/09 01:39 PM
Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas .With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.Suddenly, a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in … (8 comments)

Monday Funny - 05/18/09 12:01 PM
No ears
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in … (3 comments)

Holy Land - 05/15/09 01:07 PM
Holy Land
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?" The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried … (2 comments)

Religious Humor - 05/14/09 04:53 PM
Religious Humor
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services in 2007. 1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 2. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is … (5 comments)

Womens' Revenge - 05/14/09 12:55 PM
WOMEN'S REVENGE"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse."So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked."No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
… (2 comments)

AARP - Q & A - 05/13/09 11:57 AM
AARP - Q and A
Q. Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'Q: How can you increase the … (2 comments)

Political Correctness - 05/12/09 03:40 PM
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS  . And furthermoreHOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a' BREASTED AMERICAN.' 2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a< font color="#400080" face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="6"> 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.' 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' 5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes '  VERBALLY REPETITIVE.' 6. She is not … (1 comments)

Teacher vs. Student - 05/12/09 11:19 AM
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this kid) ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are … (3 comments)

He said, she said - 05/11/09 04:48 PM
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?She said. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said to me. .....Why don't women blink … (7 comments)

What if?? - 05/11/09 01:31 PM
What if
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? What do chickens think we taste like? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a male ladybug? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? When … (6 comments)

Blonde's Year in Review - 05/08/09 11:05 AM
Blonde's Year in ReviewJanuary Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.... Helllloooo!!!.........bottles won't fit in printer !!! March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!' April Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!! May Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August Got locked out of … (5 comments)

Hard to believe - 05/07/09 03:39 PM
Does the sun rise in the north?
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep u p with that stuff."
… (8 comments)

Things you'd like to say - 05/07/09 10:56 AM

40 things you would like to say at work
40 things you would like to say at work1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.3. How about never? Is never good for you?4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to … (3 comments)

Stimulus Plan - 05/06/09 01:54 PM
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure thejob will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for … (5 comments)

Flactuation - 05/06/09 01:35 PM
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.It was obvious she was a little irritated. . .She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'
… (2 comments)

Sinko De Mayo - 05/06/09 01:04 PM
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.The people of Mexico, who were crazy about … (2 comments)

Lawyers - 05/01/09 05:58 PM
The post office just recalled their latest stamps. They weren't working ... They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
What does a lawyer name his daughter?? Sue.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?? Senator.
What do you trow a drowning lawyer?? His partners.
Why does NY have the most lawyers in the country, while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites??? New Jersey got the first choice.
What does a lawyer use for birth control??? His personality.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture??? Removable … (2 comments)