Thursday Funny - 03/31/11 10:56 AM
Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads: 40-ish ........................ 49. Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone. Athletic ...................... No breasts Average looking .......... Moooo. Beautiful .................... Pathological liar. Emotionally Secure ... On medication. Feminist .................... Fat Free spirit .................. Junkie Friendship first .......... Former slut. New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places. Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs. Open-minded ............. Desperate Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing. Professional .............. Bitch Voluptuous ................ Very Fat Hugh frame ............... Hugely Fat Wants soul mate ....... Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. … (2 comments)

Wednesday Funny - 03/30/11 11:10 AM
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after awhile she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring … (3 comments)

Tuesday Funny - 03/29/11 11:07 AM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed … (3 comments)

Monday Funny - 03/28/11 11:03 AM
RED SKELTON'S Recipe for the Perfect Marriage:1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.2. We also sleep in separate beds.Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.So I suggested the kitchen.5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.6. She has an electric … (5 comments)

Friday Funny - 03/25/11 11:10 AM
Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.She said "are you nuts? You're 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of air planes?"I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"I'm in trouble again and don't … (3 comments)

Thursday Funny - 03/24/11 11:32 AM
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -David Bissonette After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. -Sacha Guitry By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -Anonymous The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want? -Dumas I had some … (3 comments)

Wednesday Funny - 03/23/11 11:02 AM
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." He walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
… (2 comments)

Tuesday Funny - 03/22/11 11:09 AM
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more … (3 comments)

Monday Funny - 03/21/11 11:07 AM
A B-grade film producer came up with an idea to make an action movie about 19th century composers. So he approached 3 well know action movie stars and told them of his idea. Sylvestor Stallone, Jean Claude Van-Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger all thought it was a great idea and aggreed to star in the film. The producer was so excited by this that he let the 3 actors choose who they wanted to play in the movie. Sylvestor said, "I'll be Mozart." Hean Claude said, "I'll be Beethoven." And big Arnie thinks for a minute and says, "I'll be Bach."
… (3 comments)

Friday Funny - 03/18/11 10:57 AM
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son … (7 comments)

Thursday Funny - 03/17/11 12:41 PM
An Irishman by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real. The young lass stormed out the door and threw it back at her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness."It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled."I gave you a sham rock."
… (2 comments)

Wednesday Funny - 03/16/11 11:21 AM
It was a hot day...Helga hung out the wash to dry and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning."Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street .She passed a tavern and thought , "Vy nodt?"So, she walked in and took a seat at the bar.The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink."Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice.... "I don't usually go into bars, but todayI vill make an exception...It is zo hot, I tink I'll haf myself a cold beer""Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.Helga … (2 comments)

Tuesday Funny - 03/15/11 10:56 AM
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.He promptly called the local police station......The conversation went like this:''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.  There's a jackass lying dead in … (2 comments)

Monday Funny - 03/14/11 11:12 AM
A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.The first little boy said, "Alligator." "Very good James, that's a big word."The second boy said, "Predator.""Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything.""Well my sister has one and she says it eats f****** batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
… (2 comments)

Friday Funny - 03/11/11 10:58 AM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.  They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.  He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.  However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him … (6 comments)

Thursday Funny - 03/10/11 12:11 PM
An 86-year-old man goes for a physical.  All of his test results come back normal. The doctor says, " Gary everything looks great!  How are you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?" Gary replies, "God and I are tight.  He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on.  When I'm done, *poof* the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Gary 's wife."Marianne," he says, " Gary is doing fine but I had … (3 comments)

Wednesday Funny - 03/09/11 11:11 AM
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. I'm not interested in fighting you. 6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!7. I must … (2 comments)

Tuesday Funny - 03/08/11 01:01 PM
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton, Florida.
 
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
 
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.  "How are you today?"
 
"Fine, thank you," he responded and turned back to his book.
 
"I love the beach.  Do you come here often?" she asked.
 
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied … (1 comments)

Monday Funny - 03/07/11 11:25 AM
A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets … (2 comments)

Friday Funny - 03/04/11 11:22 AM
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they werewalking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped into save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the HeadNurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to bementally stable.When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're … (6 comments)

Thursday Funny - 03/03/11 11:10 AM
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate … (2 comments)

Wednesday Funny - 03/02/11 11:02 AM
LEXIPHILESA lexiphile is a lover of words, in other words, people who are fascinated by words and language. This word is derived from the Greek roots for 'word' and for 'love.' To write with a broken pencil is pointless.When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.The batteries were given out free of charge.A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.A will is a dead giveaway.If you don't pay your exorcist … (2 comments)

Tuesday Funny - 03/01/11 11:21 AM
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he … (4 comments)