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Thursday'ss Humorrrs - 12/29/11 09:36 AM
This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit . Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck -- pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to Detroit ; there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation." Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your (4 comments)
Wednesday'ss Humorss - 12/28/11 09:52 AM
Human Race Doomed? In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed (6 comments)
Monday''s Humorrr - 12/27/11 09:45 AM
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how are things in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. (3 comments)
Friday's Funnyy - 12/23/11 09:55 AM
Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following Warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (5 comments)
Thursday's Funnyy - 12/22/11 09:17 AM
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating' Sally raised her hand.. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned (7 comments)
wednesday's funny - 12/21/11 09:55 AM
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the wicked behavior going on..... He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it. When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help keep them going... Do you know what the e-mail said? NO? Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either. (3 comments)
Tuesday's Funnyy - 12/20/11 09:43 AM
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?" (2 comments)
Monday'ss Funny - 12/19/11 09:35 AM
A guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?" The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears." Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy." 2nd guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?" The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears." Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy." This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out." 3rd (6 comments)
Friday's Funny - 12/16/11 08:57 AM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 (4 comments)
Thursday's Humorrrs - 12/15/11 09:21 AM
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' 'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the (2 comments)
Wednesday"s Humorsss - 12/14/11 09:42 AM
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She (1 comments)
Tuesday Humorsss - 12/13/11 09:45 AM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically (3 comments)
Monday's Humorss - 12/12/11 09:31 AM
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The (7 comments)
Friday Funnyy - 12/09/11 02:02 PM
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to (2 comments)
Wednesday Humorsss - 12/07/11 10:08 AM
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN (3 comments)
Tuesday's Humors - 12/06/11 09:26 AM
A driver was stuck in traffic and nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?” “Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations.” “How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks. The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.” (1 comments)
Monday Humorrr - 12/05/11 09:43 AM
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home. 1st kid says "A computer". Teacher replies "That'd be very useful." 2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nothin." The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure.........." "When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember my dad saying, "Well, that's the last f***ing thing we need." (3 comments)
Friday's Humorrr - 12/02/11 09:54 AM
The Italian Virginity Test Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit - A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc? The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, (4 comments)
Thursday Humorrr - 12/01/11 09:36 AM
A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!' Flabbergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing how did you figure that out ?' The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands' One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate. (2 comments)
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