YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when..
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you..
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10.. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message...
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

 
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score
 
or the leader until the contest ends Boxing
 
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
 
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons..
 
Asparagus and rhubarb.
 
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside. Strawberry.
 
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle.. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
 
6. Three English words beginning with dw. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
 
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
 
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh.. Lettuce..
 
9.. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "S".
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers .
 
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
 
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
 
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
 
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
 
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
 
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw"
and they are all common words. Name two of them.
 
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
 
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
 
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."

Answers posted in next blog...

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
> His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
> The son replied, "I do know!"
> "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
> "That's easy, Daddy...." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving  Earth.' (This one is my favorite)
>
> =======
>
> There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
> "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
> "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
>
> ========
>
> "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
>
> ========
>
> A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
> Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
> When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
>
> ========
>
> There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
>
> ========
>
> While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
>
> ========
>
> A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
> A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
> "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
> "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
>
> ========
>
> A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
> "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
> The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
>
> ========
>
> People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention..
>
> ========
>
> Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
> The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt"
> Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
> He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
>
> ========
>
> The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
> "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
> During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
> At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
> And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Anyone who has pets will really like this. You'll like it even if you don't and you may even decide you need one!
>                 
>                 Mary and her husband Jim had a dog named 'Lucky.'
>                 
>                 Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing.
>
>
>
>                 Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favorite toys Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.
>                 
>                 It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease....in fact; she was just sure it was fatal.
>                 
>                 She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders.  The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him!  The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.
>                 
>                 The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.
>                 
>                 Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom.  Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap.
>                 
>                 Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called.  It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.
>
>
>
>                 When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong.  She couldn't move her head and her body f felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned!  While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life.
>                 He had covered her with his love.
>
>                 Mary forgot about dying.  Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day. It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.
>
>
>
>                 Remember.....live every day to the fullest. Each minute is a blessing from God. And never forget....the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most Credentials, the most money, or the most awards.  They are the ones that care for us.
>                 
>                 If you see someone without a smile today give them one of yours! Live simply. Love seriously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God
>                  
>
>                 Dear God, I pray for the cure of cancer.
>                 Amen

I  HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2016.  
HERE  IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) Any use of the phrase: 'Press 1 for English' is  immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait  outside of our borders until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist  attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports, and we'll do no exports.  We will use the 'Wal-Mart  's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.' We'll make it here and sell it here!

(3)  When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on  SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.


(6)  Welfare. -- Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.

(7) Professional  Athletes--Steroids? The FIRST time you check positive you're banned from sports ... for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, i.e., the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more 'life sentences'. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export of ours will be allowed:   wheat; because, the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10)  All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately  cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings,  etc.

My apology is offered if I've stepped on anyone's toes.....nevertheless......


GOD BLESS AMERICA.  


Sincerely, Bill Cosby  

Something really cute happened in downtown San Antonio this week. Michael
R. is an accounting clerk at Frost Bank and works there in a second story
office.  Several weeks ago, he watched a mother duck choose the concrete awning
outside his window as the unlikely place to build a nest above the sidewalk. The
mallard laid ten eggs in a nest in the corner of the planter that is perched
over 10 feet in the air. She  dutifully kept the eggs warm for weeks, and Monday
afternoon all of her ten ducklings hatched.
>
>
>
>
>
> Michael worried all night how the momma duck was going to get those babies
safely off their perch in a busy, downtown, urban environment to take to water,
which typically happens in the first 48 hours of a duck hatching.  Tuesday
morning, Michael watched the mother duck encourage her babies to the edge of the
perch with the intent to show them how to jump off.  Office work came to a
standstill as everyone gathered to watch.
>
>
>
> The mother flew down below and started quacking to her babies above. In
disbelief Michael watched as the first fuzzy newborn trustingly toddled to the
edge and astonishingly leapt into thin air, crashing onto the cement below.
Michael couldn't stand to watch this risky effort nine more times!  He
dashed out of his office and ran down the stairs to the sidewalk where the first
obedient duckling, near its mother, was resting in a stupor after the near-fatal
fall.  Michael stood out of sight under the awning-planter, ready to help.
>
>
>
> As the second one took the plunge, Michael jumped forward and caught it
with his bare hands before it hit the concrete. Safe and sound, he set it down
it by its momma and the other stunned sibling, still recovering from that
painful leap.  (The momma must have sensed that Michael was trying to help her
babies.)
>
>
>
> One by one the babies continued to jump. Each time Michael hid under the
awning just to reach out in the nick of time as the duckling made its free fall.
 At the scene the busy downtown sidewalk traffic came to a standstill.  Time
after time, Michael was able to catch the remaining eight and set them by their
approving mother.
>
>
>
> At this point Michael realized the duck family had only made part of its
dangerous journey. They had two full blocks to walk across traffic, crosswalks,
curbs and past pedestrians to get to the closest open water, the San Antonio
River, site of the famed "River Walk."  The onlooking office
secretaries and several San Antonio police officers joined in.  An empty
copy-paper box was brought to collect the babies. They carefully corralled them,
with the mother's approval, and loaded them in the container. Michael held
the box low enough for the mom to see her brood. He then slowly navigated
through the downtown streets toward the San Antonio River. The mother waddled
behind and kept her babies in sight, all the way.
>
>
>
> As they reached the river, the mother took over and passed him, jumping in
the river and quacking loudly. At the water's edge, Michael tipped the box
and helped shepherd the babies toward the water and to the waiting mother after
their adventurous ride.
>
>
>
> All ten darling ducklings safely made it into the water and paddled up
snugly to momma. Michael said the mom swam in circles, looking back toward the
beaming bank bookkeeper, and proudly quacking.
>
>
>
>  At last, all present and accounted for: "We're all together
again.  We're here!  We're here!"
>
>
>
>  And here's a family portrait before they head outward to further
adventures...
>
>
>
> Like all of us in the big times of our life, they never could have made it
alone without lots of helping hands.  I think it gives the name of San
Antonio's famous "River Walk" a whole new meaning! 

A little girl walked to and from school daily.

 
Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school.
 
 
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.
 
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she feared the electrical storm might harm her child.
 
 
Full of concern, the mother quickly
 

got into her car and drove
 
 

along the route to her child's school.

 
 
As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.
 
At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.
 
 
Another and another flash of lighting followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.
 
 
When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her
 
 
'What are you doing?'
 The child answered,
 
 
 
 
'I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.'  

LOOK OUT FOR THE LAST STORY....
> IT WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF
>
>
> Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
> talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
> The purpose of the
> contest was to find the most caring child.
>
>    The winner was:
>
>  A four-year-old child, whose next door
> neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
> wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
> gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
>   When his mother asked him what he had
> said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
> helped him cry.'
>
> *********************************************
>
>  Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
> discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
> had a different hair color than the other members. One of her
> students suggested that he was adopted.
>   A little girl said, 'I know all about
> adoption, I was adopted.'
>
>   'What does it mean to be adopted?' asked
>  another child.
>
>     'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
> in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
>
> *********************************************
>
>      On my way home one day, I stopped to
> watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
> park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-
> base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
>    'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
> with a smile.
>
>  'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you
> don't look very discouraged.'
>
>  'Discouraged?' the boy asked with a
> puzzled look on his face...
>
> 'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
> been up to bat yet.'
>
> *********************************************
>
> Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
> in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
>
>    Jamie was trying out for a part in the
> school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
> in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
>
>        On the day the parts were awarded, I went
> with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
> eyes shining with pride and excitement.  'Guess what, Mom,' he
> shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
> me... 'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
>
> *********************************************
>
>   An eye witness account from New York
> City, on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy,
> about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
> roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering
> with cold.
>
>   A lady approached the young boy and said,
>  'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
>
> 'I was asking God to give me a pair of
> shoes' was the boy's reply.
>
>   The lady took him by the hand, went into
>  the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
> for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water
> and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
>
> She took the little fellow to the back
> part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, and washed
> his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
>
> By this time, the clerk had returned with
> the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
> a pair of shoes.
>
>      She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
> and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
> doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'
>
>   As she turned to go, the astonished kid
> caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
> in his eyes, asked her.
>
>  'Are you God's wife?'

I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will  probably relate to this father). As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a  fresh bun  with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet  Mustard.  The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the  table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife  suddenly at my side.  

Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she  said.  I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching  again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my  fingers.. I love mustard.  I had no napkin. I licked it off.  It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster.  It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.  With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine  shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my  wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard >>> Poupon.''