Hooked On Phonics

         'Bright' 5 YEAR-OLD STUDENT

         My five-year old students, are learning to read.

         Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and
         said,

         'Look at this!  It's a frickin' elephant!'

         I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

         'It's a frickin' elephant!   It says so on the picture!'

         And so it does...

         ' A f r i c a n  Elephant '

         Hooked on phonics!    Ain't it wonderful?

84 Year Old Bride

The Clay Balls

     A man was exploring caves by the Seashore.  In
 one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of
 hardened clay balls.  It was like someone had rolled clay
 balls and left them out in the sun to bake. They didn't
 look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the
 bag out of the cave with him.  
       
       As he strolled along the beach, he would throw
 the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as
 he could. He thought little about it, until he dropped one
 of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock. Inside was
 a beautiful, precious stone!
 
       Excited, the man started breaking open the
 remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure.
He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or
 so clay balls he had left. 
 
       Then it struck him. He had been on the beach a
 long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay balls
 with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of
 thousands of dollars in treasure, he could have taken home
 tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away!
 
       It's like that with people.  We look at
 someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see the external clay
 vessel.  It doesn't look like much from the outside.
It isn't always beautiful or sparkling, so we discount
 it. We see that person as less important than someone more
 beautiful or stylish or well known or wealthy.  But we
 have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside
 that person.  
       There is a treasure in each and everyone of us. 
If we take the time to get to know that person,
 then the clay begins to peel away and the brilliant gem
 begins to shine forth.
 
       May we not come to the end of our lives and find
 out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships
 because the gems were hidden in bits of clay. 
       I am so blessed by the gems of friendship I have
 with you. Thank you for looking beyond my clay vessel.  
 
 
       Pass this on to another CLAY BALL!!!
 

GARFIELD on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
To have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical ....
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
And
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
Are located in
Washington , DC !!!
Any Questions ???
NO? .................................... I didn't think so!!!

Gas Tips

I received these ideas and tips on saving gas and wanted to share them.

Very interesting....It is in snopes except for the oil imports    I don't know what you guys and gals are paying for gasoline....probably around $3.50 per gallon.
 Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the
more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly agallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.

 When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three(3)stages:low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed,thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping.
All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fastrate, some other liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting  less worth for your money.

 One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates
faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof.This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Every truck that the oil companies load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.

Another reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom. Hope this will help you get the most value for your money.

Banned From Wal-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. And Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10 November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15.. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards, Walmart

Have You Heard About The Sightings?

 I received this information from my broker that I wanted to share.

IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

>From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

>From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,

'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !

New 2008 Terminology

Electile Dysfunction
 

The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President
 
put forth by either party in the 2008 election year!

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady
isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first d ay of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of
the jar. During her strug gle the phone rang so she
asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
in the women's locker room. When he was spotted,
the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter,
haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little
girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'
'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward
me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my
K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
staring in at me 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he
asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me an d then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I use d to take my 4-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not,
darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache
the next morning. '

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly
made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for t he
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to
say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he goooes.'

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in
the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's
underwear.'

The Value of A Catholic Education and A #2 Pencil

You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

 Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. 
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 
'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend 
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret
in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back sleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after 
she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that 
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted...........