Judy's Blog

Living in 2009

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 13:43:33 -0500

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when..
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you..
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10.. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message...
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

Answers to Quiz

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 00:25:42 -0500

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score

or the leader until the contest ends Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons..

Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside. Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle.. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh.. Lettuce..

9.. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "S".
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

Quiz For People Who Know Everything

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 00:22:18 -0500

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers .

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw"
and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."

Answers posted in next blog...

Church Humor

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 20:11:55 -0500

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
> His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
> The son replied, "I do know!"
> "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
> "That's easy, Daddy...." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)
>
> =======
>
> There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
> "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
> "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
>
> ========
>
> "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
>
> ========
>
> A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
> Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
> When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
>
> ========
>
> There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
>
> ========
>
> While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
>
> ========
>
> A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
> A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
> "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
> "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
>
> ========
>
> A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
> "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
> The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
>
> ========
>
> People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention..
>
> ========
>
> Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
> The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt"
> Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
> He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
>
> ========
>
> The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
> "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
> During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
> At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
> And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Lucky Dog

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Thu, 28 May 2009 23:53:57 -0500

Anyone who has pets will really like this. You'll like it even if you don't and you may even decide you need one!
>
>                 Mary and her husband Jim had a dog named 'Lucky.'
>
>                 Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing.
>
>
>
>                 Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favorite toys Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.
>
>                 It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease....in fact; she was just sure it was fatal.
>
>                 She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders. The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him! The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.
>
>                 The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.
>
>                 Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap.
>
>                 Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.
>
>
>
>                 When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body f felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life.
>                 He had covered her with his love.
>
>                 Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day. It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.
>
>
>
>                 Remember.....live every day to the fullest. Each minute is a blessing from God. And never forget....the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most Credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care for us.
>
>                 If you see someone without a smile today give them one of yours! Live simply. Love seriously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God
>
>
>                 Dear God, I pray for the cure of cancer.
>                 Amen

Bill Cosby For President

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Fri, 01 May 2009 00:32:39 -0500

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2016.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) Any use of the phrase: 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports, and we'll do no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.' We'll make it here and sell it here!

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6) Welfare. -- Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.

(7) Professional Athletes--Steroids? The FIRST time you check positive you're banned from sports ... for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, i.e., the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more 'life sentences'. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because, the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

My apology is offered if I've stepped on anyone's toes.....nevertheless......

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Sincerely, Bill Cosby

Texas Duck Story

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Fri, 01 May 2009 00:24:57 -0500

Something really cute happened in downtown San Antonio this week. Michael
R. is an accounting clerk at Frost Bank and works there in a second story
office. Several weeks ago, he watched a mother duck choose the concrete awning
outside his window as the unlikely place to build a nest above the sidewalk. The
mallard laid ten eggs in a nest in the corner of the planter that is perched
over 10 feet in the air. She dutifully kept the eggs warm for weeks, and Monday
afternoon all of her ten ducklings hatched.
>
>
>
>
>
> Michael worried all night how the momma duck was going to get those babies
safely off their perch in a busy, downtown, urban environment to take to water,
which typically happens in the first 48 hours of a duck hatching. Tuesday
morning, Michael watched the mother duck encourage her babies to the edge of the
perch with the intent to show them how to jump off. Office work came to a
standstill as everyone gathered to watch.
>
>
>
> The mother flew down below and started quacking to her babies above. In
disbelief Michael watched as the first fuzzy newborn trustingly toddled to the
edge and astonishingly leapt into thin air, crashing onto the cement below.
Michael couldn't stand to watch this risky effort nine more times! He
dashed out of his office and ran down the stairs to the sidewalk where the first
obedient duckling, near its mother, was resting in a stupor after the near-fatal
fall. Michael stood out of sight under the awning-planter, ready to help.
>
>
>
> As the second one took the plunge, Michael jumped forward and caught it
with his bare hands before it hit the concrete. Safe and sound, he set it down
it by its momma and the other stunned sibling, still recovering from that
painful leap. (The momma must have sensed that Michael was trying to help her
babies.)
>
>
>
> One by one the babies continued to jump. Each time Michael hid under the
awning just to reach out in the nick of time as the duckling made its free fall.
At the scene the busy downtown sidewalk traffic came to a standstill. Time
after time, Michael was able to catch the remaining eight and set them by their
approving mother.
>
>
>
> At this point Michael realized the duck family had only made part of its
dangerous journey. They had two full blocks to walk across traffic, crosswalks,
curbs and past pedestrians to get to the closest open water, the San Antonio
River, site of the famed "River Walk." The onlooking office
secretaries and several San Antonio police officers joined in. An empty
copy-paper box was brought to collect the babies. They carefully corralled them,
with the mother's approval, and loaded them in the container. Michael held
the box low enough for the mom to see her brood. He then slowly navigated
through the downtown streets toward the San Antonio River. The mother waddled
behind and kept her babies in sight, all the way.
>
>
>
> As they reached the river, the mother took over and passed him, jumping in
the river and quacking loudly. At the water's edge, Michael tipped the box
and helped shepherd the babies toward the water and to the waiting mother after
their adventurous ride.
>
>
>
> All ten darling ducklings safely made it into the water and paddled up
snugly to momma. Michael said the mom swam in circles, looking back toward the
beaming bank bookkeeper, and proudly quacking.
>
>
>
> At last, all present and accounted for: "We're all together
again. We're here! We're here!"
>
>
>
> And here's a family portrait before they head outward to further
adventures...
>
>
>
> Like all of us in the big times of our life, they never could have made it
alone without lots of helping hands. I think it gives the name of San
Antonio's famous "River Walk" a whole new meaning!

Child's View of a Thunderstorm

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Fri, 01 May 2009 00:17:40 -0500

A little girl walked to and from school daily.

Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she feared the electrical storm might harm her child.

Full of concern, the mother quickly

got into her car and drove

along the route to her child's school.

As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.

Another and another flash of lighting followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her

'What are you doing?'
The child answered,

'I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.'

Cute Childrens Stories ( including are you God's Wife?)

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 23:27:13 -0500

LOOK OUT FOR THE LAST STORY....
> IT WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF
>
>
> Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
> talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
> The purpose of the
> contest was to find the most caring child.
>
>    The winner was:
>
> A four-year-old child, whose next door
> neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
> wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
> gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
>   When his mother asked him what he had
> said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
> helped him cry.'
>
> *********************************************
>
> Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
> discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
> had a different hair color than the other members. One of her
> students suggested that he was adopted.
>   A little girl said, 'I know all about
> adoption, I was adopted.'
>
>   'What does it mean to be adopted?' asked
> another child.
>
>     'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
> in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
>
> *********************************************
>
>      On my way home one day, I stopped to
> watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
> park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-
> base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
>    'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
> with a smile.
>
> 'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you
> don't look very discouraged.'
>
> 'Discouraged?' the boy asked with a
> puzzled look on his face...
>
> 'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
> been up to bat yet.'
>
> *********************************************
>
> Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
> in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
>
>    Jamie was trying out for a part in the
> school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
> in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
>
>        On the day the parts were awarded, I went
> with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
> eyes shining with pride and excitement. 'Guess what, Mom,' he
> shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
> me... 'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
>
> *********************************************
>
>   An eye witness account from New York
> City, on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy,
> about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
> roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering
> with cold.
>
>   A lady approached the young boy and said,
> 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
>
> 'I was asking God to give me a pair of
> shoes' was the boy's reply.
>
>   The lady took him by the hand, went into
> the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
> for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water
> and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
>
> She took the little fellow to the back
> part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, and washed
> his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
>
> By this time, the clerk had returned with
> the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
> a pair of shoes.
>
>      She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
> and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
> doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'
>
>   As she turned to go, the astonished kid
> caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
> in his eyes, asked her.
>
> 'Are you God's wife?'

Mustard

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 00:39:48 -0500

I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father). As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard >>> Poupon.''

God's Dirt

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 23:03:29 -0500

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him

'Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create

life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'.'

'Oh, is that so? Tell me...' replies God.

'Well', says the scientist, 'we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.'

'Well, that's interesting. Show Me. '


So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

'Oh no, no, no...' interrupts   God,

(I love this)

'Get your own dirt.'

Children in Church

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 19:58:38 -0500

                     A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

                      As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps,

                    stop, and turn to the crowd.

                    While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up
                    like claws and roar.
                  So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR,
                    all the way down the aisle.

                     As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from
                     laughing so hard

                     by the time he reached the pulpit.

                     When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and
                     said,

                     "I was being the Ring Bear."

                     One Sunday in a Midwest City ,

                     a young child was "acting up" during the
                     morning worship hour.

                     The parents did their best to maintain some sense of
                     order in the pew

                     but were losing the battle.

                       Finally, the father picked the little fellow up

                     and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

                          Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,

                     the little one called loudly to the congregation,

                    "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

                     One particular four-year old prayed,

                     "And forgive us our trash baskets

                     as we forgive those who put trash in our
                     baskets."

                     A little boy was overheard praying:

                     "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy,
                     don't worry about it.

                     I'm having a real good time like I am."

                     A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they
                      were on the way to church service,

                     "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
                      church?"

                           One bright little girl replied, "Because
                           people are sleeping."

                     A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with
                     fascination,

                     looking at the old pages as he turned them.

                         Then something fell out of the Bible.

                     He picked it up and looked at it closely.

                     It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed
                     in between the pages.

                     "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

                     "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

                           With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered,

                     "It's Adam 's suit".

                       The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,

                     and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,

                      jerking the mike cord as he went.

                          Then he moved to one side,

                     getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping
                     before jerking it again.

                          After several circles and jerks,

                     a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her
                     mother and whispered,

                      "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

                     Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother,
                     Joel , were sitting together in church.

                     Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

                     Finally, his big sister had had enough.

                     "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
                      church."

                     "Why? Who's going to stop me?" he asked.

                     Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,

                     "See those two men standing by the door?

                     They're hushers.."

                       My grandson was visiting one day when he asked ,

                     "Grandma, do you know how you and God are like?"

                           I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,

                     "No, how are we alike?"

                     "You're both old," he replied.

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother

                    was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
                   Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,

                     "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The
                      virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?"

                      A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
                      Commandments.

                          They were ready to discuss the last one.

                          The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

                          Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

                     "Thou shall not take the covers off the
                       neighbor's wife."

Waxing Gone Way Wrong

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 19:08:12 -0500

They say laughter is the best medicine, get ready to laugh!
>
>
>
>               All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax. Read on.........
>
>               My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours:
>
>               'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine
cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
>
>               It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm
and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you
pull the hair right off.
>
>               No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a
genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
>
>               So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing
each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in
so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
>
>               ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across
my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
>
>               OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of
all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
>
>               With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the
kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the wax trip across the right side of my bikini line,
covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my
butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
>
>               I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY!!!!!!!!!
>
>               Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay
conscious.
>
>               Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to
normal.
>
>               I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that
has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel
in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's
no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
>
>               Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the
toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I
touch. I am touching wax.
>
>               I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do
something. So I put my foot down.
>
>               Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
>
>               I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what
to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
>
>               Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest
water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the
wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
>
>               I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that
used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit..
>
>               Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions
glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
>
>               So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I
had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a
few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
>
>               I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and
has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the
tub!'
>
>               There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or
hoo-ha?'
>
>               She's laughing out loud by now..I can hear her. I give
her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
>
>               YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's
night.
>
>               While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to
scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
then dry-shaving
>               the sticky wax off!!
>
>               By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major
hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress
counseling for this event.
>
>               My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my
saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY!!!!!!!
>
>               The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out
of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT
WORKS!! It works !!'
>
>               I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
>
>               So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now..
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
>
>               Next week I'm going to try hair color...

2008 Darby Awards

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 18:52:51 -0500

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the
Darwin
>   Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
>
>               Here is the glorious winner:
>
>               1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended
>   victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would-be
>   robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire
>   wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
>   This time it worked.
>
>               And now, the honorable mentions:
>
>               2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
>   meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance
>   company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
>   men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he
>   also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
>
>               3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for
>   his car during a blizzard in Chicago, returned with his
>   vehicle, to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably,
>   he shot her.
>
>               4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean
>   bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed
>   to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not
>   wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby
>   bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He
>   then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling
>   the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to
>   bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
>
>               5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
>   serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When
>   asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that
>   he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to
>   a moving train before he was hit.
>
>               6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on
>   the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the
>   cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash
>   in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man
>   took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on
>   the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
>   drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you
>   money, is a crime committed?]
>
>               7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
>   decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor
>   store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the
>   cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The
>   cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
>   head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
>   made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
>
>               8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store,
a
>   man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
>   immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed
>   description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police
>   apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
>   back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and
>   told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
>   "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse
>   from."
>
>               9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked
>   into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 A.M.,
>   flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down
>   because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a
>   food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said
>   they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
>   walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
>
>               10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor
home
>   parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained
>   for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man
>   curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police
>   spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal
>   gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
>   sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to
>   press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
>
>               In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these
with
>   your friends and family .... unless of course one of these
>   individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost
>   friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they
>   remain lost.
>
>               *** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***

E-mail From Congressman

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 00:15:00 -0600

I would like to share an email I received from Congressman Lee Terry about the

American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009...

Hope you find the information helpful:

-----Original Message-----
From: "Representative Lee Terry" <talk2lee@mail.house.gov>
Sent 2/26/2009 4:26:15 PM
To: jwulff@npdodge.com
Subject: A message from Congressman Terry

Dear J. Wulff:

Thank you for contacting me regarding the housing provisions that are part of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 which the President signed into law on February 17, 2009. The current slump in the U.S. housing market is the epicenter cause of our current economic situation. In order to pull our economy back to where it belongs, we must address housing.

Although the final bill did not include the $15,000 tax credit for home buyers as originally proposed by Sen. Isakson, the bill does include an $8,000 tax credit for first time homebuyers who purchase a home between January 1, 2009 and December 1, 2009. The credit would need to be repaid to the government if the homebuyer sold the home within 3 years of purchasing it, otherwise it would not have to be repaid. A first-time homebuyer is defined as a taxpayer who did not have an ownership interest in a principal residence in the previous three years.

It is important to note that homebuyers who qualified for a refundable tax credit and purchased a home between April 9, 2008 and December 31, 2008, under the American Housing Rescue and Foreclosure Prevention of 2008 enacted last year, are still subject to the recapture provision and those loans will need to be repaid. Stabilizing housing prices and revitalizing the housing industry is essential to our country's economic recovery. I will continue to push for a homebuyer tax credit of $15, 000 which I have proposed for several years.

Other housing provisions included in the bill are as follows:

o For 2009, FHA and GSE loan limits will bring limits back up to the 2008 levels. Congress raised the loan limits in 2008 to reflect higher housing prices in different parts of the country, and to reflect the fact that some prices have fallen in many areas-- and in some cases significantly.

o In 2009, the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development will have discretion to set higher FHA and GSE loan limits in subareas.

o For 2009, the bill raises FHA reverse mortgage HECM national loan limit from $417,000 to $625,500.

o $2 billion for the Neighborhood Stabilization Program ("NSP") to rehabilitate abandoned and foreclosed properties in communities hardest hit by the foreclosure crisis. Requires states, localities and nonprofits to use these funds in a timely manner. NSP housing rehabilitation activities will also help to spur economic recovery by generating skilled and unskilled jobs and preserving the local tax base.

o The Neighborhood Stabilization Program also includes important renter protections. Bona fide tenants in properties acquired with NSP funds are given a minimum of 90 days notice before eviction and the right to remain in the property for the remainder of the lease, subject only to the right of the new owner to occupy the property.

o $1.5 billion for Emergency Shelter Grants for short-term rental assistance in finding housing to keep families and individuals from becoming homeless.

o Low Income Housing Tax Credit program. To address market dislocations that threaten to prevent the construction and rehabilitation of tens of thousands of affordable rental housing units, the bill provides $2.25 billion in grants to supplement the housing tax credit program and offers states the flexibility to exchange up to 40% of tax credits in 2009 plus unused credits from 2008 for upfront cash grants

o $1 billion in CDBG formula grants to states and localities for use for housing and community development

Again, thank you for contacting me and please feel free to do so again in the future.

Sincerely,

LEE TERRY
Member of Congress
11717 Burt Street, Suite 106
Omaha, NE 68154
Phone: 402-397-9944

http://leeterry.house.gov

******************************************************************************
DISCLAIMER
If you have received this message in error or do not care to receive these emails
in the future please notify me with the following form: http://leeterry.house.gov/Contact_Form.shtml
To receive my e-mail newsletter updates please visit my website: www.house.gov/terry
This message was intended for the original recipient only.
I cannot guarantee the integrity of the text of this email if it was not sent to you
directly from my congressional e-mail account or talk2lee@mail.house.gov.
If you have any questions about the validity of this message or have received this message in error,
please contact my office in Washington at 202-225-4155.
******************************************************************************

The Nebraska Poem

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 23:42:24 -0600

This poem written by Allison L. Doyle has some interesting facts about Nebraska:

The Nebraska Poem written by Allison L. Doyle

Smack in the middle of our great nation
Is a state that requires some explanation.
To East and West coasters who'll come right out and ask ya'
"Is there anything of interest in the state of Nebraska?"
It's true we don't have mountains all decked out in snow,
But we do have the world's biggest live chicken show.
We're the makers of Spam. We invented Kool-Aid,
And this is where the first Reuben sandwich was made.
Our insect, the Honeybee. Our bird, the Meadowlark.
The strobe light, our creation, works best in the dark.
Governmentally speaking, we're a freak of nature
Since we have the only one-house state legislature.
On Arbor Day, when you plant a tree,
Remember that it started in Nebraska City.
We were once called a desert, but that name didn't take
Since we have the country's largest underground lake.
We have the world's largest forest planted by hand,
And more miles of rivers than any state in the land.
The College World Series calls Omaha "home,"
And yes, this is where the buffalo used to roam.
We were the first state in the nation to finish our Interstate section,
And the first to run two women in the gubernational election.
We invented 9-1-1 emergency communication,
And we're the number one producer of center pivot irrigation.
Our wooly mammoth fossil is the largest ever found,
And our monumental "Carhenge" is certain to astound.
We have several museums that could be called odd,
Dedicated to Chevys, fur trading, roller skates and sod.
In Blue Hill, Nebraska, no woman wearing a hat
Can eat onions in public. Imagine that!
We built the largest porch swing and indoor rain forest,
And anyone who visits is sure to adore us.
So pack up the kiddies, the pets and the wife,
And see why Nebraska is called "THE GOOD LIFE."

by Allison L. Doyle

(Oh gosh, it doesn't even once mention football?)*
(Or that the yellow color of school buses originated in Franklin, NE)*
*Added by my friend but still noteworthy. :)

3310 North 122nd Circle

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 11:54:21 -0600

3310 North 122nd. Circle

3310 North 122nd Circle, Omaha, NE 68164 View Map

Details

Sq. Feet:

1787

Lot Size:

115 x 85

Bedrooms:

Bathrooms:

Garage Size:

Subdivision:

Woodlyn Park

Year Built:

1991

Contact Info

Judy Wulff

Cell 706-6162
Email | Website

Ponderisms

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 00:36:45 -0600

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for
your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Game

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 22:05:38 -0500

Can you beat the computer? This is fun, only takes a few seconds. Good Luck!!

YOU GOT TO TRY THIS AT LEAST ONCE!!!!! IT'S GREAT

Click HERE

Are You A Detective?

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 21:49:20 -0500

Mystery one

A man was found murdered Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police.

The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:

The wife said she was sleeping.
The cook was preparing breakfast.
The gardener was gathering vegetables.
The maid was getting the mail.
The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.

The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?

Mystery two

A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets.

He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere and no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other crusader wearing a cape.

How did he do this?

Mystery three

Old Mr. Teddy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend.
Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police:

"I was walking by Mr. Teddy's house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward."

The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Teddy.

How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

Try to figure these questions before looking at the answers below.

ANSWERS:

1. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail but there is no mail delivery on Sunday.

2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

3. Frost forms inside of the window, not the outside. So Mr. Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Teddy's body.

Did you get them right?

Your Age By Eating Out

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 21:39:13 -0500

             This is amazing!!
                   Get a calculator ready!

                   YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT

                   Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a
                   falsehood anyway - but your waiter may know!


                   YOUR AGE BY DINNER & RESTAURANT MATH
                   This is pretty neat

                   DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

                   It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read

                   Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

                   This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


                   1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go
                       out to eat. (More than 1 but less than 10.)

                   2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold).

                   3. Add 5.

                   4. Multiply it by 50.

                   5 If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...

                   If you haven't, add 1757.

                   6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

                   You should have a three digit number

                   THIS IS THE COOL PART.....

                   The first digit of this was your original number(i.e., how many
                   times you want to go out to restaurants in a week)

                   The next two numbers are....

                   YOUR AGE ! ~~~ Oh YES, it is!

             2008 IS THE ONLY YEAR THIS WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD
IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

Menopause Jewelry

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 12:41:06 -0500

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

Popsicle

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 01:13:46 -0500

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted.
A few moments passed ... 'An ambulance just went by'
A few moments later,' Looks like the Anderson's have company', he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike.....'
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving'
'Jason is on his skate board....'

A few more moments, 'The Coopers are having sex!
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too.'

Hooked On Phonics

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 16:09:57 -0500

'Bright' 5 YEAR-OLD STUDENT

My five-year old students, are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and
said,

'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does...

' A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

84 Year Old Bride

Judy Wulff (NPDodge Real Estate) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:19:26 -0500