Home : Blogs : Susan Mangigian, West Chester PA Realtor RE/MAX Preferred, ABR : Susan Mangigian, Chester County Realtor

I'm a Facebook Stalker

My 19 year old was home for Easter Weekend. This is my firstborn, the child for whom my life changed forever when I became his mom. The child who stretched my size 4 body into unrecognizable proportions that never settled back into quite the same shape, one that never fit back into a size 4. The child who's response to my outpouring of love and physical affection said three words with hands held up, as if to ward off a smack in the face when I went to kiss him again at about age 2... "too much Mommy, too much".

This child went off to college without so much as a look backward. I am happy for him. I am proud of him. But I am hungry for details. I want to share this college experience. I want to know about all the ups and downs, all the fun he is having. Details are not forthcoming. How are your classes. Fine. How are your grades. Okay. What did you guys do over the weekend. Not much. How is your girlfriend. I am not going to talk to you about that.

This child has a facebook. I asked him to be my friend on facebook and he accepted. Now, he hates that I am on facebook. He tells me that I spend too much time on facebook. He never responds to my comments on his wall. He calls me a facebook stalker. Now, I pop over to facebook several times a day. It makes me happy to keep up with my friends there. Most of my friends there are also my Active Rain colleagues, and there is a funny, spontaneous quality to our comments on facebook that I really enjoy. I like to see what they are up to, the funny things they say they are doing, and we reciprocally comment on eachothers lives.

Not my son. He sees this kind of interest in his life as stalking. I asked him the following question, tongue in cheek, on his wall:

Why do you write notes on every else's wall but mine? Would it kill you to write on your mother's wall?

He responded with this:

yes, yes it would. It would LITERALLY kill me to write on your wall

There you have it. The shutting of a door. The little boy who used to wonder aloud to me about what would happen if Superman and Batman ever met, would rather not share his life with his mom. The little boy that I used to lay alongside of, in his car bed, reading Dr. Seuss and laughing out loud, rarely calls, and never just to say hello. My shy little boy has flown the coop, to be replaced by an aloof young man who holds me at arm's length!

I know I should be more mature about this. I hope that this is just a phase that he will outgrow. But, somehow, in my heart, I know that it's not. My little boy is all grown up and really doesn't need me anymore. Our relationship will stretch and grow to accommodate this new young man who doesn't need me, who doesn't want to confide in me, who doesn't seem to care about my opinion. It seems that as he has changed, a change is required of me. I am having a little bit of a problem with it, but it will come. At least I hope so. I am tempted to "unfriend" him on facebook, so I will no longer be tempted to check out what he is doing and laughing about. But just not yet.

Posted by Susan Mangigian, West Chester PA Realtor RE/MAX Preferred, ABR on 04/13/2009 10:23 AM

Comments (66)

facebook, motherhood, growing up

Originally posted at: Susan Mangigian, Chester County Life: I'm a Facebook Stalker

Post is included in group: "Whacked"!!!
Post is included in group: Square Pegs
Post is included in group: Family Ties
Post is included in group: Diary of a Realtor
Post is included in group: Club Chaos

66 Comments on I'm a Facebook Stalker

APR

Facebook stalker, I'll be watching out for you. :)

hey, at least he "friended" you... my younger daughter (age 25) still refuses to allow me to friend her.

Susan, I think his response is totally normal----he will be back when he has kids of his own:)

Tony, are you related to Karen Toto-Hockenberry, here in West Chester? I've always wondered. And be careful... I might "friend" you!

Hi Alan, that would have really put me in funk, which is why he probably friended me, against his better judgment!

Thank you Charles! I guess because he's a boy, I'm afraid I've lost him forever!

That's a toughie...not having kids I am not good at advice here (now if it were animals...lol)! Good luck!

Hi Susan, A very touching post. Most parents could have written this post, though not as well. He sounds perfectly normal !

So long as your not like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct I don't think many would be upset about you stalking them :-)

He sounds perfectly normal to me. My own son would not even accept me as a facebook friend in the first place. You are one up on me!

Susan, It's an Italian male thing. You wouldn't understand. Rich

I am 37 and will always need my mom, just not in the way I used to. I am friends with my 15 year old on FB and Myspace, and sometimes he will respond, sometimes not. I don't try to push that issue much because I know if I do it will just push him away more.

Coming from somebody who has pushy parents... they more they pushed the farther away I went! :)

My two cents! :)

Susan, he sounds 'more normal' than my son. My son won't even let me be his friend. And yes, he says, it would kill him too ...

I don't think it's them so much, as what their friends would have to say about it. As it is, my son gets teased because of his "Mommy", all the time, so I stopped pushing. In fact, I did nothing with the Facebook account when he told me he wouldn't let me be his friend (haven't been back there). This way, it's easier. :)

Susan, this lesson is tough on parents---but they do come home in that sense sooner or later. If they are "free" to go they are even more free to come back (and having kids of their own is not the only way it happens). Been there 5 times---only one to go:)

Kristin, I am very confident that my JJ (my little dog), would never do this to me! lol!

Bill, thank you, that was very sweet.

Arise Mortgage, Sharon Stone I am not! lol!

Melissa, I am thinking my son is sorry and accepted me in a weak moment!

Susan: I am a 27 year old male who cannot help but see a little bit of myself in your son. It is a phase that MANY young men go through, but not all. The fact that he is still a young college kid says it all. He does not want to be "that guy" who still has to check in with his mommy all the time, especially on facebook for all to see. Some guys are not embarrassed to be seen in public as the mama's boy, others are. I do not know your sons personality so I cannot say one way or another. Maybe it is not the embarrassment of being the mama's boy at all. Maybe it is that time in his life where he needs to find himself and live independently for several years before opening back up to you. For me personally, I could care less what people think because I love my mother and always will. She was always a good mom and I will never forget that. At the same time, I find that I do not call her as much as I should or check in on a regular basis, but that does not mean that I do not love her any less or that I do not appreciate her opinion. Your son is simply going through a phase that he will definitely grow out of. Just give it time. To be honest, I think that time will come MUCH quicker if he finds a woman that he is serious about settling down with. That's what happened to me. I met a special somebody that really opened my eyes in terms of being more considerate with my mothers feelings in regards to the little things (more phone calls, making an effort to express more appreciation, etc).

Keep your head up. He will come around :-)

Rich, Italian male thing? You are right, and it's obvious. I do not understand!

Jared, I don't think of myself as pushy, and Mike, my son, always tells me I am easy to get along with. He just doesn't need me and that's hard to get used to.

Sylvie, get your butt over to facebook. I really do have a lot of fun, and many smiles a day, catching up with people.

Charles, thank you. You have 6 children? God bless you! Does it get any easier with practice?

Susan... My son will talk to me privately on facebook (not on the public wall), but his friends and his girlfriend send me pictures and stuff , it has become a bit of a game. I have scanned Baby photos and put them out there for his friends to views and comment on. My baby is 15...these back and forth responses may end when college starts but for now... we share.

Susan, I was on on FaceBook before my teenagers were. I tell them they're on MY turf now. Of course they know I'm joking. The other day my youngest commented on my status by calling me a loser. I laughed as I explained to her that ordinarily I don't care if she calls me a loser in public, but since I use FaceBook for business, I'd appreciate it if she kept her insults off it. I knew she was trying to be funny and she apologized when I explained. So in my case, I actually prefer that my kids stay away from my wall. LOL

Susan----"just" five---only one left to "metaphorically" come back home:)

My son will not even accept my friend request, so consider yourself lucky!!!

Susan - My eldest is also a boy , and there have been several times in his life when I didn't want to know ALL the details. Let him find his way through manhood and before you know it he will be taking you out to lunch just because your MOM.

Hi Susan - I wouldn't call you a stalker for bing on "facebook." lol I'm on facebook along with my daughters and I enjoy reading their comments. Sometimes they even write on my wall. Of course, all of my daughters are grown up and have nothing to hide any more. lol Isn't being a parent fun! lol

Hi Susan!

I had this same realization about 8 years ago, first with my daughter, now 27. Then with my son, now 25, and again with my youngest daughter now 20. It hurts, but my oldest two have come around, my youngest is still in the, I don't need my mom stage, but my other two are happy to talk anytime. He will come around, especially once he has some little ones. They always do, they will want you to baby sit, answer their parenting questions, and on and on. Trust me, it will come back with a vengenance when he has kids.

-Lisa

Hi Susan, Oh, how to rip a mother's heart out !! :-) Nineteen is not that old, I'm sue he will come around. We spend all their lives teaching them to be independent... and then Poof! They Are!!

Susan,

You said, "My little boy is all grown up and really doesn't need me anymore."...NOT TRUE...Boys always need their Italian Mothers...!!! He just needs a little space...absence makes the heart grow finder...!!! Hang in there...!!! Thanks, Fran

Hi Susan-The growing pains of motherhood have to be tough. Just hang in there the best you can. He loves you but guys do need their space. Just keep the door to communication open as best as possible and in doing so he will eventually come back. All the best to you. :-)

Mom................it may be that others have access to what he posts. is that so terrible. no. it is the interweb equivalent and avoiding a big old kiss from mom in front of friends. it is the dualty of emergence. you see him and remember the poop filled diapers, you see the little one afraid of the dark or loud noises or whatever...........you know everything about his formative years. my god woman, with one post you have the power to destroy all the smoke and mirrors it took several years of teen angst to create. one mis-step in posting a note to a parent reveals the hidden underbelly.

my son, god love him, is 38 years old. last week was the first time he typed...i love you dad on fb (or any other place since he was about 20).

your relationship is mom.........not fb friend...........never the twain shall meet. when you step back, that may be a good thing. if not good, it certainly is normal.

love ya pal

jmac

Hi Susan- My son is up there in Kutztown with yours. I don't get to see him near as often as I would like to. I am so thankful that he let's me on his Facebook. It is a great way to stay in his world. As much as I am sure he doesn't like some of my comments, he doesn't say anything. In fact, one of his buddies gave him a hard time in the comments about having his Dad on his facebook, and he actually defendedme rather than throw me to the wolves. I was so proud! I saw your son joined one of my sons facebook groups. Karma for Quitters. My son's new attempt at a rock band! Sorry... now I am rambling....

You are just going to have to get over it, girlfriend.

I won't even ask Sam to be a friend because I am sure he won't. You are just going to have to suck it up..... FOR NOW.

well Susie- welcome to the club. My daughter called me a facebook stalker too. And when I "friended" her newest boyfriend she nearly had a stroke. But I will give you a glimmer of hope. Now that she is about to be 21 (in June) and sees that I am proud of her "independent side" she will comment on my wall every ONCE IN A WHILE. So don't give up all hope that it is indeed a phase. I know my relationship with my daughter is never going to be what it once was. But it's coming along nicely that we are becoming real "friends"

Peter, this is such a nice comment. My son, like you, doesn't really worry too much about what others think. I think you may be right... he may just be breaking away, to be independent. I will be patient and let him come to me, although I would so love to have him sit and tell me everything that is going on. I want to go to college and have fun too! Thank you for the generous and thoughtful comment.

Rob, little stinker!

Laura, I used to tell my mom everything when I was a teen and she tells me now she could have done with much less information!

Jon, maybe when he's older he will share more of himself with me.

Lisa, I'm hoping you are right. Thanks!

Steve, I wonder if it's different when it's a boy and his dad?

Maggie, I agree. Insults between parents and children should be done in private! Lol!

Mary, Poof, indeed! I blinked and he was gone! One more to go and my gosh, it will be me and the husband! Lol! Thanks sweetie!

Fran, I hope you are right. xxoo

Sharon, the door is always open unless he closes it in my face! Lol! I will keep the lines of communication open!

JMac, you know, you always get right to the heart of the matter and although we've never spoken or met, I really do value your insight. Thank you, my friend! xxoo

Hi Michael! My son is in the graphic communication department. Wouldn't it be funny if our sons knew each other. Then my son could be doubly mad for putting his business on Active Rain too!

Hi Arlene! I am sucking it up and I am tired!

Hi Tammy! I'm glad I read this as I was tempted to "friend" his girlfriend, that I just met yesterday! He would have been upset! Her parents were lovely, stayed for a cup of coffee when they dropped her off but she was so shy, I didn't really get to know her! With girls, I think you get a certain level of communication. With boys, you get nothing! xxoo

Susan Darlin'.. please don't lose too much sleep over this... It really is just a phase. They ALL go through something. He's just stretching his wings to see if he can fly sans mom. Never fear though, he will come home again. It sometimes just takes a while for parental and friend roles to merge. :)

Jesse Darlin'! I see I missed a call from you today. You are such a great friend. I will be patient, but I want to hear all about his life, his fun, his trials and tribulations! I just don't want to do his dirty laundry when he comes home on break (I do it, but I don't want to!). I will be patient and hopefully, with time, you will be right. xxoo

Susan...

My 30 year old daughter would only accept me as a friend after we had a long talk. I told her that I understood worldly things, and that I would not judge, nor attempt to change her in any way.

I understand why your son won't write on your wall. It's time for him to fly on his own. When he needs you, he will let you know.

The hardest part of being a good parent is knowing when to "let go." But now, you want him to be strong and independent, and ready to take on the challenges that will allow him to start his own family.

Featured in the Group "Whacked!!!"

Richard, thank you, for the feature and your friendship. This letting go business is harder to get a handle on than making a sale these days! I want to let go, I'm eager for him to be a man, so that I can see what he becomes, but I don't like this feeling of being left behind! Sad and immature, but true! xxoo

You know one of my good friend's son accepted her as a friend but blocked her from pretty much everything on his page.

Susan - Could be worse, My son just deleted a comment I left on his facebook page. I'm wondering if it had anything to do with the fact I called him cheesecake boy?

My mom also just joined facebook, she now calls me on the phone every time she pokes me on facebook. Don't think she gets it.

Hmmmm Susan, just as I was getting to ALMOST sign up for Facebook, I am on Mike's side with these stalker types (including Moms) out there. It just seems creepy to me to write "what I am doing" and for me at least, why does anyone care? I'll come over to the Facebook side (sometime), as everyone says all these relatives you never knew where they went come back out of the woodwork and find you again. Life was so much simpler back in our days of high school and college LOL. I think Mike just wants Facebook for his same age friends and YOU are not supposed to know what he is doing. Perfectly normal in my opinion.

Don't worry Susan,

My son became my friend on FaceBook and now AI have to put up with him want to do a watergun fight or food fight and numerous other things on the site. OOPS did I mention that he is my middle child and he is 40ish and my daughter is a little younger and she is doing the samething.

Susan, do you have AIM or something similar? I've found that my boys have no trouble chatting with me through AIM because it's private - the same with text messaging through out phones.

The 21 year old did friend me on MySpace years ago, and the younger one deleted his account completely when he learned I had set up an account. Still, neither one friended me on FB, even though the older one told me this weekend that he has no reason not to friend me. I never sent a request, because I realize they need to have their space and they can friend me if they wanted to. Instead, they AIM me all the time - one from Denver CO and the other from NYC - and that is where I get the "i love you"s and "I miss you"s and get filled in on their lives - but it's in private. I guess it's all part of growing up.

The fact that he doesn't need you all of the time just proves what a great job you've done raising him! And the best part is that he does still need you, he just doesn't know it yet!

Susan - Wow, I can see why this has you a little down. As somebody who is also my facebook friend, you might even notice my 23 yrold son and I commenting on each other's wall all the time, as well as my 28 yr old daughter. I know with ason, this is not the norm. I know because I have good feelings about my son-in-law's parents and yet I know one issuethey have too, is with their son (my daughter's husband) NOT communicating witht them in a way that they would expect, while in the meantime my kids are constant communicators. I have no idea how this happens. It just does. I sometimes think that when it does, it might be due to the parent's strong and obvious desire. Maybe if you let your guard down, when you least expect it - it will happen. I find when I want something bad enough it never happens as long as I am obsessed. And, I did notice my kids becoming better communicators as I began separating from them emotionally as they began college - like out of sight out of mind. It was then when I suddenly had a life outside of being a mother that they started reaching out to me more. It's kind of like playing hard to get with your kids, but not on purpose.

Susan,

My dear friend. I know what you are going through.. Someday he will realize he does still need you. Until then hang in there.

Ann

APR

I can't seem to stop laughing...

My oldest son has a facebook account. I haven't send him a friend invitation because I'm afraid he'll ignore me.

Hi Melina, kids are too much, aren't they? xxoo

Sandra, I'm lol out your mom calling you to tell you she poked you! Sounds like my mom if she could figure out how to actually get to facebook! So cheesecake boy deleted a comment? lol! xxoo

Gary, I can see your point, and his, but it doesn't change the fact that if he would communicate with me a little more, I wouldn't have to sneak over to his facebook to see if he is still dating his girlfriend!

Don, my adopted son JL Boney is constantly hitting me in the eye with the water guns on facebook! I guess the child in question has to be married before they commit to associating with us old folks!

Jeannie, I know you are right but AIM won't help much with this one. He just isn't a great communicator and I think the writing is on the wall with him. He texts me when he needs something and rarely, if ever, calls unless something has gone awry!

Carol, I'm hoping that when he gets married, he will marry a communicator, and someone who actually doesn't mind calling me once in a while! I'm glad that your children communicate. When he is home, we are always kidding and teasing and I just expected this would continue when he was away.

Ann, thank you sweetie!

Hi Kris, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have sent him the invitation! xxoo

You had me laughing this morning. I totally relate. Neither of my boys, 24 and 20 will "befriend" me - well, my older son will, if I take down all his photos from my wall. Oh well, I stil get to see some fun stuff though when I go to my younger one's site.

Hi Janice! Neither boy will befriend you? Do you think it's mostly a boy thing? lol!

Susan,

Don't worry, it's a phase. I went through the same thing with both my girls; now we're real close.

My kids HATE that I'm on Facebook and I'm also commonly accused of stalking them and their friends. I think it's a riot!

Terry, nice to know they come around eventually!

Tom, a fellow stalker!! Welcome to the club!

Hi Susan...Hang in there.

I just had a four-day mini vacation with one of my sons and his family. We drove up to CT to celebrate my mom's 92nd birthday with her.

We had a load of fun, long ride and all.

Kate

P.S. Jay was 48 on March 24th.

Susan - You said this so well and I am SO dreading this. He will come back around, he will. A friend of mine was recently facing surgery and feeling sad she didn't have her mom with her. She said, "I'm 30 something, I shouldn't need my mommy." I said, "You always need your mommy." My 81 year old grandmother still misses her mom. He'll be back.

Kate, thank you. And Happy Birthday to your mom! God Bless her! As for me, I will hang in there!

Chris, I am almost 50 and I still need my mom, every day! I hope he will be back, because I do miss him. xxoo

Hi Again...Well, you and my son, Jay, are about the same age. Must make me older than you!

Kate

Susan, your pain is one I can relate to, as usual. This, too, shall pass. He is gaining his stature in the world. He loves his mom to be sure. He just doesn't want everyone to know...including you! You will live through this...and he will be back, but as a man. (Great!?????) The little boy must move on. And so must mom, but it's a learning process. As all things are. You are the best mom.. XXXOOO

Kate, I will be 50, so I'm a teeny bit older than Jay. You are an inspiration and I am sure, you had Jay when you were 12! xxoo

Suzanne! I can always count on you. Always. Thank you sweetie!

Susan - I believe this is just a phase and he will outgrow it. He will always be close to you. No need to worry.

APR

Susan.....I can really identify with your story.....I keep track of my kids through Facebook! I love it! Occaisionally I get a response......and they do grow up and like their Mommy!!

Very few members of my family are on Facebook, but obviously a lot of my friends are. I like to stalk my wife there when I get a chance.

Sharon, thank you. I hope you are right!

Caren, today on Facebook, I learned that my son is happy and that he is in touch with my nephew! This is how I get my news!

JL, I have a lot of friends on facebook, but they tell me their stuff in person too! I want details, that are not forthcoming from my son!

APR

ManGiggly...

Our Twin Boys are 33 now. If it's any consolation do know they come back later on their lives. Once they burn through the their long awaited freedom, they come home as GROWN men. The world has a way of turning Mothers and Sons back into friends. When that happens you can turn the whole thing around and refuse to write of HIS wall :)

TLW...ROAR!

TLW, how could someone as tiny and youthful as you have twin boys that are 33?? I can't wait to be friends with my sons and I won't have the willpower to refuse to write on his wall! lol! xxoo

APR

Hi Susan, I am somewhat behind on my blog world visits and missed this wonderful post. My son and daughter DO NOT want me looking at their Face Book stuff either. Last fall when I was in Dallas at SMU to watch our son's Rugby team play, I asked him about the "friend" thing. His reply was that is was too creepy to friend me or any other parent! I do occasionally get a look of his page when our daughter is on, but only a glimpse!

Oh and we are certainly in the same boat on just about all the other stuff you talk about with boys! Ours is also 19 and the good part is that they are 110% BOY, no gender confusion here at all!!!

Russell, what's a parent to do when your kids are cooler than you?? It stinks doesn't it? I just want to be a part of all of the fun, and he just wants me to be a mom, safely ensconced in my kitchen or laundry room!

Leave a response…

Name:

Email:
(optional)

Comment:

What does the graphic say?