(song and dance routines skipped by popular request)

Game Show Host: "Welcome to Slumlord Millionaire! You will be asked a series of questions, and when we think you're cheating, you'll have to explain how such an unlikely person knew the answer. If you successfully answer them all, you'll be our next Slumlord Millionaire winner!"

Question 1: Which of the following is the least dangerous method of heating a home?

Options: A) Leaving the oven on and open, B) Lighting a campfire on the dirt floor of the basement, C) Turning on an old radiator system and hoping for the best, or D) Feeding Cousin Jerome six cans of baked beans and handing him a lighter.

My Answer: C

How I Know: I've tried the other 3, and lost at least an eyebrow in each attempt.

Question 2: What is the lowest proof of liquor that will reliably burn?

My Answer: Trick question! 80 proof liquor will burn, but very poorly. At 100 proof, a more reliable flame can be achieved.

How I Know: My sister's boyfriend's neighbor's nephew (who happened to lease the next trailer over from me at the time) lost a bet and had to douse his arm with vodka and light it. The good news: he sustained lesser injuries from the mild burn than he did from his parents when they found out.

Question 3: Which of the following best explains why parents in the ghetto have more children, and start reproducing in their teenage years?

Options: A) Women below the poverty line are impervious to the chemical effects of birth control, B) The mischievous Condom Sprite flits from 7-11 to 7-11 poking holes in the condoms, C) Diaphrams are not manufactured large enough to adequately fit birth canals loosened from overuse, or D) They are paid to do so.

My Answer: D

How I Know: I'm one of the people who contributes money to their fecundity cause, through a distant uncle known only as Sam.

Question 4: How Many Legs Does a Dog Need for Mobility?

My Answer: Another trick question! A dog can walk with 3 legs, but can MOVE freely with 2, provided it has a Radio Flyer ghetto-rigged for it properly.

How I know: Little Max was unfortunately mistaken for a 200 lb. buck last hunting season, despite his diminutive 20 lb. stature and lack of antler rack. Billy Joe's lease agreement on his trailer was not renewed, despite his sincere efforts in rigging up his son's wagon for Max.