I've frequented some pretty dingy movie theatres in my day: art-house theatres, indie hubs, converted barns, etc. And that's fine. You know why? Because movie theatres are one of the few establishments in the world where it doesn't matter how nice or shoddy the actual establishment is, what matters is the people who go there. This is why, incidentally, if you're thinking about buying an old theatre to start your commercial rental agreement empire (no Dive Bars for you, you say!), don't worry about the shape of the building, worry about the kind of people who go there.

As anyone who's ever been to a slum movie theatre knows, the human trash is far thicker than the candy-wrapper trash, and here are the list of femme-fatales and mustachioed-villains to look out for:

1. The Moron Who Thinks the Characters Can Hear Him

"Turn around! Turn around! He's behind you with a knife! Ohhhh, nooo!!!!" You know them just like I do, and their mothers shouldn't have drank so much MD 20/20 during pregnancy. Who said euthanasia was wrong, again?

2. The 17-Year-Old Mother Who Brings Her Brat

No, little Dontavius doesn't need to watch R-rated movies at 11:00 at night when he's four months old. What, you want him to grow up to be a screw-up just like you and your baby daddy? Give the kid a chance, at least. Oh yeah, and there's that little issue of the rest of the audience suddenly losing control and bashing the kid with a melty Twix bar because he won't shut the he11 up.

3. The Cell Phone Talker

You know, I put up with it for a little bit, when you were just texting. But instead of having the good grace to be embarrassed when your electronic tumor started going off, you actually picked up and answered. I know, I know, your friend just got out of jail after that armed robbery stint, and you want to catch up, but do us all a favor and go do it with a forty in a dark alley like a good little thug.

4. The Candy Thrower

You'd be surprised how often this is NOT someone under age seven, but rather a fully functional sixteen year old. They leave you with only two options: 1. Fire back, or 2. Climb over the seats towards them, stand in front of them, loudly assemble a particularly disgusting loogie, and let fly on their face. (Note about Option 2: check to see how big the Candy Thrower is before attempting)

5. Huge Head Guy/Girl

It could be a hat. It could be hair. It could be a fro hat (see a few entries back for details). But I feel that there should be some guy with a hedge-trimmer standing by to buzz down that monstrosity on the person-in-front-of-me's head.

So remember, if you're thinking about going into the movie theatre rental business, buy the crappiest building in the nicest neighborhood, and carefully screen your entrepreneurial tenants before signing a rental agreement. Sure, they may seem nice, but you already said you have a no-animals-in-the-building policy, and you don't want them violating the rental agreement by allowing the savages above into your building. I mean, what's the point of owning a movie theatre building if you can't enjoy the free movies as a perk?