It has recently been brought to my attention that my clients don't always know exactly what I am talking about. Apparently I speak "Southernese".

Ya'll, I'm sorry.  Or maybe...not. I do live in the South. Beautiful Beaufort South Carolina has many wonderful mysteries, legends, folk tales, and well....it's own way of describing life's little quandaries.

Maybe some clarification is in order.. The following phrases may be heard during your visit to our little pardise:

"Dying Duck Fit"- This is serious business. This will not land you in Beaufort Memorial Hospital although sometimes there may be effects that could possibly lead you right into the office of one of our many gracious physicians. Let me explain.

One may experience a "dying duck fit" in the following local Beaufort situations:

• Preparing your pallet for the exquisite Shrimp Burger prepared by Plums Restaurant only to be told they just served the last one.
• Going to the local Piggly Wiggly and getting that one buggy that screeches and squeals around each turn.
• Waltzing around Dempsey's You Pick farm and attracting the one and only no see um that survived the cold spell.

There is great speculation regarding the cure of this peculiar ailment. I advise a quick trip to Bill's for Sweet Tea Vodka. All in moderation my friend.

"Hill of Beans"- This is an extremely versatile phrase. The following is acceptable/unacceptable uses.

Acceptable

• If you are visiting Beautiful Beaufort it is perfectly appropriate to use this phrase while describing your navigational abilities of our challenging waterways. It is quite alright to say "I don't know the tide chart from a Hill Of Beans."

Non Acceptable

• While enjoying a Sunday drive through our rural St. Helena Island during the fertile spring/summer seasons please don't be tempted to glance to your right or lolly-gag to your left and say "Is that a hill of beans"?? No my friend. We are the Lowcountry. We don't have hills. We do enjoy our plentiful soil for planting beans, tomatoes, and the like....but remember..we don't really have hills!

No Room TO Swing A Cat- Before PETA fusses..let me clarify. We aren't going to swing a cat..even if we could. Now I can't promise you that we won't try...especially if that feline frolics towards our fresh catch of the day.  This phrase is often used to describe tiny or crowded (more than 10 people at a time) places for example:

• Now you have spent a glorious day touring the streets of Historic Downtown Beaufort. You develop an unmistakable desire for ice cream. What do you do?? You walk down Bay Street and step in to Sweets Ice Cream Parlor. Maybe you aren't the only one hankering for something sweet...You guessed it...you walk in the door and there is No Room To Swing A Cat

• Now another time you may find yourself tempted to borrow this form of Southernese would be the infamous Beaufort Water Festival.  You have done everything you can to prepare yourself for one of life's greatest experiences...You got your fried chicken, gased up the boat, filled the cooler, and drenched yourself in sunscreen. You carefully navigate your way to the local sand bar....now my friend...this is a perfect time to say " NO Room TO Swing A Cat".

Last but Certainly Not Least

 "Bless Your Heart"- This is a Southern Term of Endearment and can be used with anyone at any time.

• Ok..you decided to visit Common Ground our locally owned specialty coffee shop. You are enjoying your issue of the Beaufort Gazette, sitting on the porch that overlooks the intracoastal waterway while sipping a latte. One of our most talkative neighbors decides you need a bit of conversing. After about 45 minutes..you have our permission to gracefully exit this long winded monologue by simply saying....BLESS YOUR HEART.

• Another perfectly acceptable time to speak this treasured tradition:  You have gone to one of our many festivals. Maybe it was the Shrimp Festival, Night On The Town, or Taste of Beaufort, any are completely appropriate for this little scenario... You have been socializing for hours enjoying some libations and just feeling all the Beaufort Love. As you go to exit this event one of Beaufort's Finest walks up to you and says...."May I call you a cab dear?"...And you simply smile and say..

BLESS YOUR HEART.

Now that you have a cliff note version of Southernese..you have no excuse not to come over, across, up or down to beautiful Beaufort by the Sea. Come visit us or we may just have a dying duck fit!