(Warning: Not for babies or whiners :) [Unless you read it as it was written: the vent, the whole vent and nothing but the vent] If you plant your tongue firmly in your cheek while you are reading and go ahead and hit a great big old Cheshire Cat smile right now you will probably make it through this ... erm ... post.

Last week I closed an FHA purchase in 8 days from application to the closing table. It was a miracle. It happens. Last month I closed an FHA streamline refinance in 5 days. No joke. 5 days. It happens. Yesterday I had a call from a client wanting to know if we could close a Fannie Mae purchase by the end of this month - it's the 22nd. Uhm, no. 

First of all it's the end of the month and the 11,000 people who had their application, appraisal and documents in underwriting last week also want to close "by the end of this month". So the agent called me. Why? No idea - boy did he ever tell me a few things about my business and what a tool I am if I can't get a loan closed in 7 business days because HIS lender certainly could do it.

Why, then were they wasting time on the phone with me?

Ah, the buyer is self employed, has two other streams of income, owns 16 homes, is moving from a bigger house to a smaller one and the old one isn't sold and it's just down the street. Hmmmm ....

Let me state this for the record: Loan officers ocassionally lie. One of the things they lie about is their turn times. They like to say, "Our turn times are 48 hours". That may well be true - with absolutely no hiccups and a perfectly clean file submitted and an acceptable HVCC appraisal which will take a MINIMUM of 10 days to get back. Then there's the issue of middle lenders are sitting on files for days AFTER the approval because the secondary market won't purchase loans fast enough BECAUSE THERE IS A MONEY SHORTAGE. There, I said it.

There is a money shortage even with all the TARP money that went mostly to big banks. Guess what they did with it? THEY SAT ON IT AND GAVE EACH OTHER BONE BONE BONUSES. Okay, I know, I'm typing a lot in caps. You'll get that with people who have a long fuse when it gets down to the nib. And if I hear that snivelling weenie Barney Frank say one more time this is not his fault I'll fax him a picture of my bootie. No wait, better not.

One problem is with people, like Bozo the Barfly agent who obviously called me from the local watering hole, thinking they know how to qualify a borrower. "Man, Ken, I've known this guy for umpteen-eleven years. He took my baby sister to the prom back in 1988. He's a big time developer with a bazigillion jillion dollars. In 2006 he sent my whole family to Hawaii for a week. He owns a 36' SeaRay up on the lake. What's the problem?"

Pretty much everything you have told me is the problem. At best this is going to take 30 days because, believe it or not, people who can fog a mirror and have nothing more than a good story can no longer borrower money BECAUSE THEY DON'T PAY IT BACK! As I have written at least once before during the last 4 years just here on AR - the stupid loans for stupid people are going, going, GONE! Now it is an across the board requirement to PROVE everything. Regardless of what "your lender" says. (Especially that lender - rhymes with GunRust.)

Then there's this little thing called "buy and bail". Haven't heard of it? It's where people buy a smaller house they can afford, move out of their bigger house they cannot afford and let the bigger house go or file bankruptcy! Then there is the very high likelhood that Mr. Country Club the mega-developer took about the same amount of a paycut over the last 24 months as yours truly - making us both suitable for the soup line.

So STOP GIVING ME CRAP about how long it takes to close a loan and for PETE'S SAKE SHUTUP ABOUT "YOUR LENDER"!!!! I know you called me last even though I can do things that make Countrywide, Ditech, Wells Fargo and Chase spit burning nails. I even do it faster and less costly - always could, still do.

If you have any issues with my comment please see my manager, Lenn Harley. Thanks, bye.