I love my sons...probably more than they will ever know. But, there are a few things that I have learned having sons that has lead me to do a couple things:
1. Apologize to my parents -- If you are a man...and you have boys...and you have not apologized to your parents yet, you are probably going to Hell. :-)
2. Pray for forgiveness -- See #1 above. Same concept...same destination.
3. Call neighboring states to see if any of my previous exploits have lead to warrants for my arrest. So far, I'm good.
But, I have learned some new things about boys that I just had to share with you all. I have shared parts of this list before...but, it was over a year ago. And believe me, if you have boys...A LOT can happen in a year. If you have a son or ever were a son or have brothers or sisters with sons, this will make perfect sense to you as well.
THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY SONS
1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill the bottom floor of a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. I have since gotten rid of the water bed.
1A. Jumping on a real bed is way more fun than jumping on a water bed.
1B. Attempting to fly across the bedroom jumping from dad's bed can result in injury...either to yourself or to furniture. Or a wall.
1C. A 42lb boy flying off of dads bed can punch a hole in sheet-rock the size of a Buick.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
4A. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
4B. It is also strong enough to smack a super-ball down the hallway harder than Tiger Woods on the first tee.
4C. Superballs can chip teeth.
4D. Dentists laugh out loud at you for getting your teech chipped on a super-ball.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
5A. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
5B. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
5C. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
6. Standing up in the bathtub is dangerous.
6A. Standing up in the bathtub to go pee...totally hilarious!
6B. Watching older brother completely freak out when younger brother pees in the bathtub...absolute RIOT!!!
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
7A. Hide your spare house key and spare car key somewhere above 5' off the floor. Or, your boy will flush that set of keys also.
7B. RotoRooter has a 42 minute response time.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A four-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 37-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
9A. Starting a fire on your deck is hazardous.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 1-year old Boy.
10A. This also holds true for certain jewelry, money, nuts, bolts, and various bicycle parts.
11. "Play dough" and "microwave" should not be used in the same sentence.
11A. This also holds true for eggs and hot wheels cars.
11B. Hot wheels cars will ignite if left in the microwave long enough.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
13A. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
14. To a 1yr old, there is nothing funner than a wooden spoon and a steel pot.
14A. Correction: Same point, only with a dozen steel pots.
14B. The resulting headache cant be stopped by an entire bottle of Advil. Try vodka. Best results are achieved when you use it on the boy, not you.
15. VCRs do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
15A. Also true for oatmeal, tuna fish, and dad's wallet.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
16A. Neither do blankets, stuffed animals, or anvils.
16B. Pillows only soften the landing when you actually land on them.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
18A. A sippy cup that was lost under the couch for more than a week requires a bio-hazard sticker and Haz-Mat team for proper extraction.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
19A. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
19B. The fire department in Lolo, MT has a 7 minute response time.
20. Fish can have seizures if "stimulated" enough.
20A. Banging on the side of the fish tank with a sippy cup is considered "stimulation".
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
21A. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21B. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
22. Before you buy a boy a bunk-bed, make sure he doesn't own Superman pajamas.
22A. Owning Superman pajamas doesn't mean you can fly.
22B. A 40lb boy flying from the top bunk and crashing landing into a bookshelf makes an ASSLOAD of noise!!
22C. It will happen again. Trust me.
23. There are 4 major food groups: Hot dogs, cheese, chips, and chocolate milk. The rest is useless rabbit food.
23A. Pizza may take the place of the first 3.
23B. Nothing can replace chocolate milk.
24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. (Trust me, it works...)
Follow Clint on twitter at www.twitter.com/TheRealClint.