It was something I said to Mike Frazier about being an athiest most of my life that seemed to pique his curiosity. I lived most of my life in the shallow end of the pool and today I'm so deep in the river, I can't tell which way I'm going. So, Mike, here I go...In a recent message you suggested you would like to see me post my testimony.

Not even 4 years ago... I was one of the most selfish people you'd ever meet. But not on the surface, I've had many people tell me all my life what a nice guy I am. It was a mask I put on for others to make myself look good. The image I wanted to project was one of the perfect guy who had it all together. My marriage survived 24 years at that point, I was a successful business owner, had a nice little estate, any big boy toy I wanted, 2 beautiful daughters... but in reality a pretty hollow and shallow man The beginning of the end of that man was a statement I made to no one other than my wife one day. I was steaming over somebody, a client, who was needy and just a bother all the time. I stormed up to my office and yelled out to her... "Am I the only person in this world who has it all together?"  Are you seeing a little bit of who I used to be?

I was a scammer! I would scam you in a minute of meeting you. You'd think I was a great guy, loving husband and father, well mannered and always willing to lend a hand. When inside and alone, I was anything but. Oh, I'd help people once and awhile, but all the while be grumbling, complaining and just making those close to me miserable. I was only able to think of myself, period! Honestly, we had just built our dream home 5 years previous out in the middle of nowhere to get away from people. My favorite motto was "Life would be so much easier if it weren't for all the people in it."

As I stated earlier, I was an athiest. Pure and simply, I thought anybody who believed in a God was a weak and pitiful excuse for a human being. I grew up going to church all my childhood and learned about the scriptures like, thou shalt not dance, and thou shalt not wear dresses above the knees... and if thy takes a drink thou goes to hell... if thy makes God mad, He crushes you like a bug... and my personal favorite: thou shalt smoke on the portico after church if thou is an elder or deacon... all the good scriptures. I can't really find them in my Bible now... but I was taught they were in there, for the most part.

My father had a falling out with our church over some matter and he stopped going during my teen years. I didn't like that and if he didn't go, why did I have to go? My mother never really answered that one. As an adult in my young twenties, I asked my father exactly what he believed, as I was searching myself. His response, and my father was an extremely well educated man, "Anybody with a brain knows there couldn't possibly be a God!" or something to that extent, I am keeping it succinct for brevity's sake.

With that comment absorbed into my being... I took on that sentiment. Thus started my long journey into athiesm and debauchery. I never really shared my religious views with others for fear of causing an uproar. It was the 1970's and Archie Bunker was considered very controversial. In those times, an athiest was closer to being admitted for psychiatric help than considered normal. The seeds of rebellion sowed at Woodstock, when Country Joe McDonald had everyone yelling the F bomb out loud and proud at the older generation were starting to take root. Even until the Holy Spirit started working on me, I only admitted to a select few people my thoughts on religion. I had one close friend who I confided in because he held the same views.

So just in my twenties, I went my own way... I started out falling in love with a beautiful girl who I'd gone to school with and that would be Bonnie. She also grew up with the same scriptures I quoted earlier, and worse. She wasn't allowed to watch much TV or movies and her upbringing was really religious compared to my "liberal" church experience. Her family really beat you up with the Bible. Well, I wasn't a very good influence on her and as we started dating, I scammed her dad into thinking I was a good Christian boy when in reality, I wasn't. I didn't even understand it, but if it got me in his good graces... I was one. Within 6 months of dating, I was more interested in getting her in bed than anything else. She didn't like kissing me because I smoked, so she started smoking and one thing led to another as we eventually moved in to an apartment together. This really killed her parents and I never heard about it from mine, but I know it hurt them too. During these times, as I was an aspiring musician, we partied. I mean, we drank, we smoked all kinds of things, experimented with many other drugs including LSD and cocaine and many kinds of pills. It was a wild ride. I struck out as a professional full time musician while she held down a good job. Not once did I ever do anything that put her first. After many break ups and reconciliations, we married in 1981. She says the break ups were my basic training... it really didn't work though. I went into our marriage not understanding what a marriage was supposed to look like. Not my parent's, certainly not her parent's and I didn't see many other good examples of marriage around me. So off we went. And it was a wild ride until... about 7 years into it. Ah, the old 7 year itch period.

We drifted apart while still occupying the same house... She was ambitious and wanted to have more out of life, while I just wanted to be a rock star and live the glamorous life. I had taken a road gig that I thought might propel me towards stardom!!! Although a great learning experience, it was not what I had hoped for. I now had driven a wedge in our marriage and we were hopelessly drifting apart. She was so faithful and supportive for the longest time. But on the road, I was so lonely and that led to smoking as much pot as I could to numb my pain. She wrote letters everyday, I would write one a month. Again, I couldn't think of anyone's misery but my own.

Upon my return from the road, things were bad. She was too busy working and making money and I was too into myself and escaping the reality that my career was dying. After a year or so of this, we were on the rocks and we decided to see a counselor. A band aid... no pun intended. It helped some and we eventually moved to Atlantic City, NJ where I was working a lot in the casinos freelancing with different acts. She gave up her real estate career she had buiit in Lancaster, PA to go with me on my journey.... to be a rockstar!

It wasn't long after we moved, that I noticed something different. She stopped moving. Bon went from super ambitious Realtor to couch potato. I'd go to work and come home finding her in the same position as when I left ... with empty chip and Doritos bags and Tastykake (a Philly thing-insert Twinkies if necessary) wrappers lying on the coffee table. This wasn't right. Then one morning around the crack of noon, (remember I was a musician) I awoke to find her sitting on the bed staring at me. I asked what was going on... she said and I remember this vividly... "I got a home pregnancy kit."  I asked, "And what did it say?" "It's as blue as it gets!" she replied. "I guess that means we're going to have a baby." is all I could muster as I tried to roll over and go back to sleep. "You MEAN IT?" "Of course I mean it" I said... "what do you think it means?" That's when she started crying and told me that she thought I would ask her to have an abortion. That floored me. I know we always agreed we didn't want children, but that thought would never have crossed my mind and after 8 years of marriage she wouldn't know that about me??? It was a warning sign I should have heeded right then and there. But I didn't... and we muddled through. Within 4 months, I knew my music career was over and a new chapter was about to begin.

Before that beautiful little blonde girl we named Gretchen came into our lives, I traded all my gigs with a friend who had society gigs on weekends in Philly and we moved back to Lancaster where I trained and got my license for real estate while making good money on the weekends playing. God was already orchestrating things in my life, and I didn't even notice. There is nothing we can do to make Him loves us any less nor is there anything we can do to make Him love us any more.

^{Psalm 69}

¹ Save me, O God,
      for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
 ² Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire;
      I can’t find a foothold.
   I am in deep water,
      and the floods overwhelm me.
 ³ I am exhausted from crying for help;
      my throat is parched.
   My eyes are swollen with weeping,
      waiting for my God to help me.
 ⁴ Those who hate me without cause
      outnumber the hairs on my head.
   Many enemies try to destroy me with lies,
      demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal.

Part 2 tomorrow.... the storm before the calm.