Every professional has a tool kit; if you're a plumber, it includes wrenches, if you're an accountant, it includes software, if you're in ACORN, it includes immunity from the law (if you haven't seen the Jon Stewart clip on ACORN, it's priceless).

Slumlords are no different than other people (other than their lordly superpowers we discussed last time), and they have a tool kit too. Here's an exclusive look into the life and tools of a slumlord, with each tool's nature and purpose explained.

Grizzly Bear Spray (defense, lockpicking, extorting rent from tenants)

Scientifically designed to disable, maim, and otherwise incapacitate 900-pound adult grizzly bears, this easily portable spray can induce panic in even the toughest tenant! One spray to the face will produce a sensation the tenant will never forget... and one spray to the genit@ls will induce nightmares for years to come.

As an added bonus, it's been known to melt away steel deadbolts, in case the tenant tries to lock you out!

Digital Camera (blackmail, evidence)

Digital cameras are a cheap and effective way to prove without a shadow of a doubt that your tenant actually is smuggling 9 year old Guatemalan boys into the country for child pro$titution rings, for expedited eviction! Of course, if the young Brothers Pedro are worth less to you than the $50,000 you can blackmail from your tenant... well, we won't judge.

Extra Spicy Beef Jerky Links (dognapping, security override, vengeance)

Many tenants maintain vicious animals as living security systems, such as dobermans, german shepherds, and mutant pitbulls. However, even the fiercest, most genetically scrambled dog will go limp at the prospect of beef links, allowing you safe entry to your rental property. Or perhaps your tenant is behind on rent? Dognap their precious little Chihuahua, and see how quickly their rent money materializes!

Best of all, no dog's digestive tract is suited for extra spicy beef jerky links... your tenant is in for a fun treat on their brand new white suede couch!

LoJack Tracking System (tenant locator)

Had one too many tenants skip town on you without paying their last 4 months' rent? No problem! Just secure the little lojack on their rusting 1987 Ford Asscort station wagon, and voila! Go visit them at ma's house on the other side of town, and remember to bring that bear spray; moms are more vicious than that creepy 180-pound dog those deadbeats kept!

Being a slumlord is hard job, and not for the faint of heart. Keep your Slumlord Tool Kit on you at all times, and don't hesitate to vaporize an eyeball or two with that bear spray - it's faster than serving an eviction notice!