I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

I wonder what life would have been like if you had had enough oxygen at birth.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

I went to San Francisco I found someone's heart. Now what?

I was told to wear loose fitting clothes to my exercise class. If I had loose fitting clothes, I wouldn't need the exercise class.

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

NASA has just completed work on a new rocket, nicknamed Civil Servant. It won't work and they can't fire it.

If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they abduct the dumbest people on Earth?

I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying.

I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

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