A Cold Halloween Tale of House-Hunting Horror
It was a dark and dreary afternoon; freezing rain made driving treacherous. The prospective Buyers met their agent at her office. The young couple, Carrie and Jason, huddled together for warmth, holding Styrofoam cups of coffee in their pale hands. They were recently married and looking somewhat doe-eyed at the millions of listings posted in the lobby. Townhouses, Condominiums, Single levels, Two-stories...why there were so many houses to choose from! They whispered conspiratorially to one another and announced,
"We must see every one of these listings. And we should probably see them today. We have to purchase a home by the New Year to take advantage of the New Home Buyers credit."
"Every single house?" asked the Realtor, "Maybe we should start with what you can afford."
"Well, we can afford $200,000," said Jason, "but we want to look at houses up to $500,000." His hazel colored eyes turned dark emerald green as a single stream of saliva oozed from his slack grin. "Maybe, we even want to see something better than that! Something with 30-foot ceilings and crown molding!"
Surprised, the broker asked why. "Why?"
"Because everything is half-off!" screamed Carrie. Her curly brown hair stood on end as she cried, "This is the worst economy since the Great Depression! And we're in the drivers seat!" With a high-pitched screech she violently threw her cup of coffee at the listings wall; it splattered against the papers with a dull thud. Rivulets of brown espresso stained the faces of each flyer.
"Yeah!" shrieked Jason, "We'll make ‘em bleed! Fifty cents on the dollar or nothing at all!" He leapt atop the conference room table and shook his fists towards the heavens. "We'll make them beg on their hands and knees! We'll take their furniture, their cars, and their kids!"
"Hey, I don't want their kids," said Carrie, "I WANT THEIR CLOTHES AND DISHES AND PATIO FURNITURE! Ha ahahahaha," her evil laughter pierced the Agents ears and sent her writhing to the ground.
That afternoon the young couple saw 106 listings. The agent shook with low-blood sugar and dehydration as the couple directed her to open doors and call owners and research who owed the bank the most amount of money. Then, through the driving sleet, they saw an Open House sign, barely visible in the grey mush.
"Pull Over!" snarled Carrie. The harried Realtor pulled onto Elms Street and into the driveway of a tall, rickety looking Victorian house with boarded-up windows and hand-scrawled signs reading "No Trespassing". A flock of black crows alighted atop the rooftop. "Uhm," paused the Agent, "This really doesn't look like a promising deal. This looks like a ...short sale." She whispered the last two words ominously, and then again, even more quietly, "A short sale."
But Carrie and Jason didn't seem to care. They were already licking their blood red lips. They leapt from the car and ran through waist high weeds to the porch.
Inside the house a tall, sickly looking man in a silver three piece suit greeted them, "Why hello young Buyers, how do you do?" His eyes threw sparks as he stared them down over a slightly hooked nose. "This house used to be one million dollars. Do you dare guess what it might be now?"
Carrie looked around the enormous living room, her gaze lingering on the gaping hole where the fireplace used to be. "I think---
"No, let me think for you," said the tall thin man, "after all, I know everything you need to know already!" And with that he slammed the front door shut on the agent who had just removed her shoes on the front porch. The sounds of rushing birds wings drown out the unheaded protestations of the agent. Screams of terror bled through the door.
"As I was saying," said the tall thin man, "my name is Mr. Hyde. I am a Broker of no ill repute, and this house once one million dollars, is now a mere $339,000. Isn't it grand? 8090 square feet, mostly wooden floors-though some are just laminate---windows, doors, walls---it has everything you want and more!"
"Ooohh," said Carrie, "that is big. I like big!"
"And don't think of the heating bill," said Mr. Hyde, "or worry yourself with the lack of insulation. Those are stupid things to worry about. The basement never gets too cold."
"Can we use our first time homebuyers credit on this house?" asked Jason.
"But of course!" cried Mr. Hyde. He spread his arms out wide, inviting them into a cold embrace, "This house was meant for you! Of course, there are no warranties, and no inspections please-none needed." Mr. Hyde's voice was heavy and sweet like an old woman's cloying perfume. "Will you buy it?"
Jason took Carrie's hand in his and implored Mr. Hyde. "We're still not convinced this is a really good deal."
"Oh!" said Mr. Hyde. "Didn't I tell you?" He motioned that they come closer. "If you really want to know the truth." He lowered his voice, "The owners have lost everything. They're bleeding cash like stuck pigs. They're bankrupt I tell you---dead to the world of finance. You couldn't wring them out of any more blood, eh?"
"Dying on the floor, you say?" asked Carrie. "Really bleeding cash?" asked Jason. "Screaming from the desolation and depravation of being poor and homeless!" exclaimed Mr. Hyde.
"We'll take it!" cried Carrie and Jason, together.
Mr. Hyde wrote the deal on a ragged steno pad, his red pen leaking blots of ink on nearly every line. "Sign here," said he.
"How will we pay all of this?" mused Carrie aloud as she scribbled her name illegibly on the uneven line. "Oh, I have an idea," said Jason. "Now that we have a basement, why should we keep your mother in a nursing home? There's $3000 more right there."
"Hey, you're right!" said Carrie, "And we can finally take your dad off the Human Lung!"
Jason began to howl ecstatically.
A delighted Mr. Hyde took a quivering earnest money check between his long fingers and smiled a thin patient smile. "Thank you, dear ones. You'll be so happy!" With that he exhaled a long gasp of air and shrank from top to bottom quite rapidly. A "POP" was heard, and then with flapping wings Mr. Hyde swooped swiftly through the open fireplace, up the flue and disappeared.
Carrie and Jason were never heard from again. Mr. Hyde continued to prey on unsuspecting new Buyers who relied on Meredith Viera and You Tube for their real estate knowledge. As for the Agent, she was nearly pecked apart by birds and took a lot of flack for not having her clients sign a Buyers Services Agreement. The end.
Comments(1)