I used to eat lots of natural foods, until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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When looking for something, it's always in the last place you look.  Duh!  Once you've found it, you stop looking!
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There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
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Life is sexually transmitted.
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"Health" is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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Have you noticed since everyone has a cellphone with a video recorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?   I know, stop and think about THAT for a minute.
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
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In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes the whole freakin' box to start your grill?
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Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" 
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And who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.
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If quizzes are quizzical, are tests testicles?
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Do illiterate people get the full impact of Alphabet Soup? 
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Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 
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Do you ever wonder why you read my blog?