Q. What’s the definition of mixed emotions?  A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?  A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What is the definition of the perfect woman?  A. A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?  A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Q.  What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A.  A Widow.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container for 15 minutes?
A: It said "concentrate".

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: About 45 pounds!

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: About 45 minutes.

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