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What do you give your children, when you have nothing to give

I wrote this one last year around this time and I think it's actually more fitting now than it was when I wrote it. The holiday season is a great time to draw your family close and be thankful for the blessings you've been given. As many families are facing some substantial struggles I wanted to post this again.

I normally don't write the touchy-feely posts but I'm sitting here this morning reading headlines and thinking about all the troubled families out there and I feel compelled to get this off my chest and offer a little advice to any struggling parents out there.

Now that the holiday season is upon us it can compound the difficulties a lot of families are facing. Personally I have 3 little ones that I adore and want nothing more every year than to give them a big Christmas. However for many this is may not be a possibility. If you're one of these families I just want to point out that it's not the abundance of presents under the tree that make it a great holiday. I know that the gifts I give my children pale in comparison to having mom and dad spend some quality time with them.

I know that anything I may give them this year will lose its luster quickly as they grow and become distracted by the distraction of life happening around them. What I realize is, these days I'm work longer hours to provide for them, my time is more constrained than ever.

So if you find you have nothing else to give this year give them your time. The hours I spend with my children doing what they want to do talking, wrestling, going to the park, watching a movie, or reading to them is far more valuable to them than any material things I can provide.

Posted by Brian Brumpton, Boise Idaho Real Estate on 12/20/2009 11:16 AM

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94 Comments on What do you give your children, when you have nothing to give

DEC

2009

Nice post. I feel that it has really got out of hand with regards to expectations for gift giving at Xmas. Kids are brainwashed while watching TV and pressured from school buddies to have the latest toy etc. and of course parents may feel bad if they do not, or cannot provide.

There is alot of pressure to around this time of year, and it always involves spending alot of money. People go into debt to give kids gifts that they will probably lose interest in within a year.

To me this just does not make any sense. Your view on the giving of 'time' is great. This is what they will be remembering when they are much older and deciding if you are to be placed in a nursing home, or to live with them!

Very beautiful post. As I also sit here thinking of what I don't have the ability to do this Christmas, I also realize that the time spent with family and friends is far more precious and valuable to be able to put a price tag on. Thank you for helping us to remember where the true gifts come from.

I hope everyone reads this...the gift of time is truly the best gift of all!

Sasha - I agree there is way too much pressure put on parents to buy gifts and it can take away from the true meaning of what really matters most.

Jim - I'm fortunate enough to have my whole family here for the Holidays and as they start arriving I can't wait for the dinners and conversations. We don't exchange gifts but to my kids it's so great to have their grand parents and aunts and uncles in the house.

Most parents substitute stuff for time. It's easier for them to just buy them stuff. It's sad, because in most cases, the kids would rather have the parent's time.

You know, I have a sister who for almost 20 years gave her children tons and tons of presents at Christmas.

Literally you had to walk within 5-6 feet of her Christmas tree because there were so many gifts around it.

I guess her thought was she wanted her children to be happy, so she didn't want them to feel "deprived".

I wish she would have thought it through a little more and given her children a sense of industriousness, a little more tough love, and a little more sense of respect and work ethic.

One of them just got out of jail, another just had her first child at 21 years old without the father being around and unmarried, and another has 3 different children from 3 different girls.

I love all of my neices and nephews, but I know their lives are going to be a little more difficult because for so many years they were given material things and used that to gage their happiness.

What you've posted here is probably far more important than anyone can imagine. Giving your children your time, your guidance, and teaching them respect for the world around them is the best gift you could EVER give them.

You'll see it later on when they are happy, well-adjusted young adults who can live a life of peace and industriousness.

Ralph,

Very true. We actually round up our children's toys every year around this time and sit down with them and explain that there kids who dont' have all the nice toys they do and go through which ones they would like to donate to the Women and Children's Alliance.

They really enjoy knowing they can make other kids happy through giving and actually never question the reduction in toys.

The one good thing that results from experiencing "hard times" is that we often grow closer to our family and friends. With small children, there can be no great gift that devoting your time, Thanks for a beautiful post.

It's important to allow kids to see past the benefits of getting a new toy. There is so much more in life and I think it's great to show them that at an early age!

Brian~

Happy Holidays to You and Your Family!

Your post reminds me of a quote or anecdote... "What material possessions I've had have been, lost, stolen, or forgotten... but what the lord has given me... had never faded"

Sharing Time, Love and Caring are irreplaceable.

Your title drew me in, Brian. This a wonderful heartfelt post :)

Debi

Brian. I could not agree with your more with giving the preciousness of your time. It is invaluable and will be cherished with memories for years to come.

So very well said. Money or thing "things it buys" never brings true happiness. Ask any kid that only has one parent, likely the thing they'll want most is the other parent.

Brian.....what a nice post.....I hope your post is widely read.....I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas.

One year I helped deliver food baskets for needy families that was a local police program they raised funds for. I think taking children with you and for them to see what true graitude looks like is a gift.

Brian, I think one of the most profound things that has come out of the Economic crisis is a return to simpler things and for many of us, the re-evaluation of our values. And for that I will be eternally grateful.

Hi Brian, Perfect timing for at " touchy feely " post ! We stopped giving gifts although we made a big deal of it when the girls were little. More emphasis on those around us and those who have so little !

The cherished memories that we make are the things that are children will remember. They are free and they give to us as long as we live. Whether it is a hysterical laugh session over something someone said or a great meal cooked and shared together or a family tradition that is repeated over time...these are the things that connect us to our children. These are the ways we can show our love for them. These are the things that count. :-)

Brian.. This time of year is the best time to get back to basics.... and what I call "Family Time". My sons and I have made cookies... tons.. and are giving those out as gifts. We've watched Christmas shows and movies.. made popcorn and strung them up on the tree.. then we put it out for the birds in the new year. All you have to do is use your imagination.

Thanks for sharing this post.

valerie osterhoudt

I started to comment, but turned it into a blog post of my own.

When I was growing up (52 yrs old now) and I asked my Dad what he wanted for Christmas, all he would ever say is "peace and quiet". I always thought that was a cop out answer, but I now know what he meant. He has all the material possessions he needs, but what he wants and needs most is his loving family around him and he had it unitl the day he passed. I have 3 adult children now and all I really want is their feet under my table and I manage to get it. I am blesses beyond words

wonderful words:) And you are right - probably very timely for many. This year was tougher than most...

Absolutely. This year, my family and I put on a Santa party for the assisted living residents of Good Samaritan Village, rang the Salvation Army bell together and have spent a lot of fun time together. It's the best, even if you do have the means to buy whatever you (or the kids) want!

Excellent post. In my usual style, I save Christmas shopping until the last minute. My tree is always sparse until Christmas Eve, simply b/c my husband and I are too busy to shop in advance. I always feel so badly that our tree isn't like the neighbor's trees, but now I don't feel badly at all.

Ralph - Thank you for your post. It isn't the number of presents under the tree that mold and shape our children into nobel adults, is it? I appreciate your reality check.

Tomorrow is my day to head out and stimulate the economy - but after reading your post, I am going to re-think my plan.

Cheers, everyone!

I think the day we spent rolling around in and digging out of the snow, having snowball fights and making goofy videos will be the thing that my family remembers about the 2009 Christmas Season for decades to come. They won't remember the cellphone or videogame, no.

Brian - Wonderful words....I have spent the day in my kitchen baking for holiday gifts. I had great family time while doing it. My hubby and son were the helpers and the official tasters - and the critics :. It's been a great day! This post of yours made it feel even more special. The normal hectic/frantic feeling of what to get? What to give? How to? It all makes TIME more precious. Thank you!

Kids do want the presents . . . but more than that, they want love and attention and affirmation that they matter! Well said.

Psychologists say that one of the best gifts a father can give his children is to love his mother!

Nice post. And, truthfully, the time is what they remember as they get older. My son is 29. If you ask him what he got as a gift when he was 10, he probably won't remember; but, if you ask him what we did together or where we went to do something when he was younger, I'll bet he will.

Time is a precious gift that goes by too quickly. Enjoy it.

This came from Alice Held, a wonderful agent in Arizona.

Six Gifts That Don't Cost a Cent

The Gift of Listening...But you must really listen. Don't interrupt, don't
daydream, don't plan your response. Just listen.

The Gift of Affection...Be generous w/appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the
back. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family &
friends.

The Gift of Laughter...Clip cartoons, share articles & stories. Your gift
will say, "I love to laugh w/you."

The Gift of a Favor...Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.

The Gift of a Written Note...It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note
or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a
lifetime.

The Gift of a Compliment...A simple & sincere, "You look great in red,"
"You did a super job," or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's
day.

Great blog and time is the best present because we only have some much time...

I agree spending time with family is something we take for granted. I'd rather spent time with everyone and catch up, then get big gifts from people who can't afford them. It's not the same now because I'm older, but we used to be showered with gifts and really all we needed was some family love.

Sometimes we tend to lose site of what Christmas is all about, yes we all want to go out and purchase our kids the latest things, but the excitement fades and in the end its about having a loving and supporting family to come home to. Great blog!

Hi Brian~ I am so glad we never got caught up in the commercialism of Christmas. My children know what is important, and that is time with our family! They understand that the most important things are, God First, Families, and our health. I cherish every moment I get to spend with my children and grandchildren!

Great time to remember the real reason for the season... Glad God had time to send His "SON". Excellent Blog!

Christmas has become so commercial, that the kids of today have no clue whatsoever what the holiday even stands for. It is just a great opportunity for them to convince their parents to buy them everything on every commercial. I hate that there are families out there that cannot provide for their own. I had better not get started on this subject because I will be here for a while. Great post

The most important thing you can give your children is memories of time spent together doing little things with them. As my children have grown, they always go back to the memories they have of us doing things together as a family, even if it was just a day at the beach. Enjoy your children, they grow so quickly!

This is written from the heart. Sharing of time brings more memories than anything you could possibly wrap and put under the tree. The best times of my life where when my son was growing up.

I agree the best gift you can give is time and attention. My three are daughter 9, two boys 7 and 4 and at these ages time is good but try to participate with them at their level and you will see their eyes light up. Some parents just load up the kids, take them somewhere, and find a place to sit down and whip out the mobile device. That's not a gift, it's a service.

Give them a coupon book for your time. A coupon to redeem to watch a movie with them, a coupon to read a book to them, a coupon to redeem to play out side with them. They always say it takes repitition to build a routine.

Indeed, think back to your childhood and you will find you remember the experiences rather than what you got. I can still remember my father helping put together my GI Joe jeep at 4 in the morning. Now I am that sleepy headed father helping my son at 4 in the am with his Lego's. It isn't the toy its the experience.

I'm afraid i am guilty of buying lots of things for my son because i love to see the excitement on his face while we open them together for him (he is just 2 years old). I buy all year around, when i see something reduced that would be age appropriate by the time Christmas or Birthday comes around i get it. I am very lucky though that my son is the acception in the way that he does play with and enjoy everything he owns.

I also enjoy putting things together with him, and i always make time for him in between working, i will always do that as well as shower him with gifts so that he knws i love him so very much and am always there for him no matter what. My son is the most important thing in my life, and he knows it :-)

I will never lose site of the fact that he will never understand about having to work until he graduates high school and is out there having to work too, that is why i never over work and he gets alot of my time aswell as me working.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

Well said and very timely for us all! All our little ones want is our attention anyways. God bless them and Merry Christmas to all!

Best wishes for a better 2010!

The kids definitely enjoy new things, but I agree they'd rather have time. One of my kids' favorite things is when I get on the floor and play with them.

When you're right you're right. It's a struggle trying to find time for everything but the kids gotta come first.

That is a very nice post and it probably is more true now than a year ago. Hopefully in a year from now it wont be.

Amen to that! I have a friend who in the past two months has been through the trauma of learning she had brain tumors and having them removed. It has financially burdened her young family and terrified her children. Her wish this Christmas??? To feel well enough to come home to see her family on Christmas day. I felt so petty whining about the things that were bugging me when I read her post on Facebook last week about just wanting to feel well enough to come home and it really put things into perspective. We are having a "light" Christmas this year. It has been a rough couple of years for us and starting our own real estate office this year has taken a lot financially, but we know it is simply seed for the future, so we are good with that. Whenever I feel a little off about the lack of "abundance" under our tree...I think of my friend's one Christmas wish and it all seems so insignificant! I will be home with my family around me at Christmas...and I pray that my friend will have the same blessing!

This is very true. Children need time and attention and love from their parents to grow up with the self-respect and sense of importance that is crucial in a healthy life!

Brian...

A very nice "touchy-feely" post with a strong message. All they really want is your time anyway!

This post is right on. The best gifts we can give our kids is our time.

My children are grown up with ythe exception of my 16 year old baby who has asked for driver's ed for Christmas. Some years there were few gifts under the tree, other years there were many. But you're right, it's the experiences we share that are what is rememered after all these years.

A wonderful post, Brian, and I'm glad you posted it again as I missed it the first time around! The best gift of all for children(or anyone for that matter!) is LOVE...and as the old saying goes, "Kids spell love T-I-M-E." I so enjoy spending time with mine...my last post was about that!! :)

Spend less and give more of ourselves is the true meaning of the season. Fantastic post-your title pulled me in!!

Indeed. I was telling my wife today, when she was desperately trying to buy more toys for our children, that it wasn't the quantity of gifts that mattered. What matters the most is that we are both in their lives, that we are there for our children. They want that, and will cherish that, more than any toy we can ever give them.

DEC

2009

Hi Brian - Thanks for bringing this one back. Your perspective is one that applies far beyond Christmas ... throughout the year and for a lifetime. No store-bought item can replace the love and attention of a parent.

During tough times, the stress often comes out verbally from parents to their children... it is so important to remember that and be watchful that it doesn't happen.

Children so need that precious time with their parents.

Glad you renewed this post.

Hey Brian~ Thanks for posting and what a great reminder! Quality time is something that is so valuable in my mind! All the best this holiday season!

This has been a trying year for many of us in the profession, and i have not been immune to the lack of business and frustrations that we all face. But tomorrow, I get one of the best presents I will get this year, I get to spend the next couple of days with my 5 year old nephew. What are great present for me!

Kids spell LOVE= T I M E

You articulated it perfectly.

Gone are the stressed days of completing a two page gift list!

We draw names and buy for one person and then enjoy the experience over our Christmas eve Chinese food dinner.

Kind words and fun memories hold so much more value. I'm glad I finally got a grip of my senses even if it took a depressed economy to get me there. Joy

My daughter's all grown, but she recently told me opening the presents was such a quick event, and a little anti-climactic after the big build-up, no mater what she got. The best part of Christmas for her was spending the day together, watching old movies, taking a walk or playing games.

Thank you for the post and for reminding parents out there what the holidays are really about.

My Mom was a single Mom and didn't have much at all. What she did have she gave to me even if it meant she went without, often. Although we didn't have money my Mom had the voice of an angel. As a little one I can remember "singing" to the Christmas Tree...so that it came back next year. A silly little thing but it burns stronger in my memory than any present ever did.

Those were the good 'ol days. Let's make more of those memories for today's children!!

Brian,

This is an excellent reminder! Cherish the time with your little ones NOW,'cause they'll be BIG way too soon!

Good job Brian, this is so true and this time is so much more valuable in the end. When the children look back in time, most toys will be forgotten but time spent with their family will be remembered forever. Good luck and Merry Christmas!

There is too much commercialism in the holiday season. It starts with the radio ads the day after Halloween and switches to the all X-mas song radio stations around Thanksgiving to the shopping hysteria with the last weekend before X-mas.

Having lived all over the world, I can honestly say this is only an American phenomenon. Family, togetherness, a good home-cooked meal and small gifts to commemorate the season are the reflections of the holiday season in many other countries.

We recently just finished celebrating Hanukkah - not a religious holiday, but a holiday of tradition and remembrance. Yes, it is customary for the young children to receive a gift each of the 8 days. But these gifts are usually not Video Games and Bicycles. No, they are books, music, savings bonds, cards with a $5 bill attached, clothing,etc. The 8 days of Hanukkah are for celebrating life and family. I wish more American households understood what the holiday season is really supposed to be all about.

Brian your children will not remember the gifts you didn't buy them this Christmas. But they will remember the love, attention and time you gave them thoguhout the years. These are things that cannot be bought. Children need you, not some "thing" from toys r us. Just be there for them, to share in their joys and wipe away their tears. Teach them that love is not measured by a dollar sign. Teach them that purchased things are meaningless, giving love and time and support to others mean so much more.

Brian:

The real luxury is the gift of ime...everyone I know is pressed for time, and the common complaint is I don't have time. Creating wonderful memories has nothing to do with stuff--stuff is so irrelevant, it is about love and time spent with someone. Thank you for this lovely post.

Brian,

The gift of yourself is the most mighty of them all. Thank you for sharing this today.

It's a great realization that kids want parents' time, not toys. And it shows up in the research as well. So while the budget may have shrunk, take the opportunity to convert the outlook to finding ways to spend time playing with, talking with, and doing things with your kids.

Great post. One year I remember having one present under the tree and only a few more when relatives gathered but there was always lots of love.

We can all agree on this....lovely post and good reminders. My kids are mostly grown (I have a 14-year old left at home) and I can say...I have NO regrets that I missed any of the beautiful moments of their childhood. That's the great blessing of my life.

Yes, time with people we love is what the holidays should be about. Your post prompted me to write too about Christmas being ... About Giving, Not Getting.

You know, Brian, my kids have been trying to tell me this same thing for years. Your post hit home for me, and I am greatful for it at this time of reflecting on Christmases past, present, and future. Just having my whole family home this year from all over the country is present enough for me...and for my children. They wanted nothing more than that. Thanks for a great reminder, and Have a Merry Christmas!

Great post Brian! My daughter asked me a couple days ago if Santa was the son of Joseph and Mary!? I had such a hard time not laughing telling her that "yes! it is the rotten, materialistic, manipulative son that took all the glory away from his brother!"

A timely post, and one that every parent should heed.

Your comments are wonderful too. I love reading how many people are taking their kids along while they do something for the less fortunate. It seems to me the real joy of the season is in the giving, not the getting, and kids should be allowed to feel that joy.

This year I have followed a forum called Santa's Angels, where I adopted a family for Christmas. The comments there show that some parents "get it" and some don't. But a few days ago a woman sent a story about a Christmas when all she had to spend on 5 gifts was $3.

That story really hit me, so I wrote and got permission to post it on my blog. If you want to hear how one group of friends made Christmas memorable, visit my marketing blog to read it.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas!

Marte

I have really enjoyed reading everybody's comments. We as a family started a tradition during one of our low economy Christmas seasons. And that was to focus on it being Jesus' birthday, we baked Him a cake and sang "Happy Birthday" to him and a few other Christmas hymns and this year we plan on watching, "The Passion of Christ" together. We have not seen it since it came out in theatres and I can't think of a better time besides maybe Easter to watch it.

God bless you All and Merry Christmas!!!

Brian, Happy Holidays to you & yours. Being Retired military (not always home at the holidays) my wife & I brought up our children to accept what is given to them at birthdays & Christmas, to accept with gratitude the gift whether store bought or home made craft. We tried to instill in them that although it might like good to their friends to have the latest toy or gadget on TV; the home made gift was made from love & thoughtfulness. They are grown up now & living on their own and I hope they take the lessons of their youth that not every gift has to come from a store but value what is freely given from the heart be it time with the few living relatives (only 2 grandmothers are live now) or some handmade gift.

Hi Brian...Thank you for you reposting this. It was true last year, it is true this year, and it is true every year.

The time we spend with our children provides the memories of a lifetime.

The wonderful thing is that we receive their time in return. It is precious to have that when they are young and especially wonderful when they continue to share their time with you when they are grown and gone from home. This is one of the rewards we receive for loving them and showing it by spending time with them and taking an interest in them.

Merry Christmas.

Kate

Time - that is the only thing we have to give in limited supply. My dad passed in December 1976. He would have given all his possessions for a little more time with his children. He had so little time with his grand-daughter and never met the other two grand-chidren. Now there are three great-grandsons. I wish he had the time to get to know them too. Now mom is up in years and I return home often to see her. This year I'll make an extra 1500 mile round trip in order to take my grandsons to the beach for a week before school starts again after Christmas break. I'll drive over 3000 miles this Christmas season but I have the time and family is worth much more. This year I decided to only buy gifts for mom and her grandchildren and my children. The reason is much like many have stated as I can easily afford anything any one wanted. My siblings have no 'needs' and it makes little sense to buy soething to be put away and forgotten after unwrapping. So, mom gets a little more this year and my grandsons get a nice addition to their IRA and college funds. It is like Christmas every day we wake up in good health.

In my last marriage, I was, well...alot better off financially...but in no other way...and my daughter was overwhelmed with presents....but the true Christmas Spirit came threw when she and I played in the empty boxes that were left after the unwrappings. That's when the giggles and the hugs and love came true....time...give of yourself...that's the best anyway could ask for...whether you're a child or an adult.

debra v edwards - edwards builders and realty, inc. - cashiers, nc

This is something we all loose sight of... how sad that current conditions dictate that we sacrifice our "parenthood" to keep the lights on. What do I want for Christmas??.... Time to spend with my kids.

Jeff Burnham, Rosen & Co, Las Vegas NV

This year our family has made a concerted effort to spend evenings together as the holiday approaches playing board games together, watching Christmas movies together, listening to music and trading favorite holiday memories, and walking around the neighborhood enjoying the decorated homes together. It has been the best season so far in a long time for us and I think it definately comes down to getting priorties in line.

Happy Holidays!

So true, so true, so true Brian. I'm glad you re-posted this again. As a family we are working on creating family events during the holidays. All are working on the menu this time and we asked the kids for their christmas list and was happy to see they each wrote just 5 things. At 10 and 11 they said, we know some things we want but other than that we want to have fun with you guys.

Priceless.

Brian ~ What a great post. On Christmas morning we open presents etc.. Have the families over for breakfast and then head out to The American Legion - The dress as Santa's elfs and we pass out food, and gifts and then we find local families in the community that don't have much. We just show up with food and gifts for them. Santa in toe!!! It is a great way to show the kids of those in need... Merry Christmas!

This is a wonderful post and an imporant message... everyone should give the gifts to charity and give their kids some time!

DEC

2009

Great post Brian.....loving family and friends is the most precious gift.

Brian, absolutely true! Hope you find lots of time to teach them about the true meanings of Christmas. Integrity, honesty, hope, compassion can't be taught on a video game.

Time is the most important thing. One Christmas I wrapped up things around the house I had set away for the "future" and gave those things to them. For example I had a model I had bought but never got around to building. I gave one of my boys a game of mine that I loved. Now it is his, but I still get to play it with him.

DEC

2009

Thanks for bringing this one back again. It is so true that the most valuable gift we can give is out time - not only with our kids but the rest of the family as well!

This is so true! The fondest memories of Christmas I have is helping to roll cookies in powdered sugar, trimming the tree, singing Christmas carols with my mother and the rest of my siblings (my dad passed away when I was 9) as we remembered where each special ornament came from. Christmas Eve candlelight service was a wonderful time too.

We also made a special trip downtown to see Santa and the beatiful window displays. What were the presents under the tree? I don't remember. But the sights and sounds and smells associated with a Christmas filled with love, song and laughter - that was such a priceless gift!

PS: If you're in the Akron, Ohio area and remember the Nativity on top of the O'Neil's awning from your own childhood, drive down Killian Rd. past Cornerstone United Methodist Church.

A great post. I hope everyone takes the time to read this one. I try and spend as much time, quality time with my son now that I see how fast he is growing. I'll never get back the times I missed.

Brian, here's the card my five year old made in school for my husband and me for Christmas:

The best gift at Christmas is easy to see

It's not wrapped in paper or under the tree

The best gift at Christmas and all the year through

Is having a FAMILY as special as you!

DEC

2009

You are o right Brian. Give them what they really need. Your time and your love.

DEC

2009

This was/is a very nice post. Somehow I missed it the other day when it was featured. Hope your day yesterday was spent with loved ones!

DEC

2009

I have never given Christmas presents per sé, preferring instead to do something out of the ordinary that would make the day memorable.

Happy New Year!

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Brian Brumpton, Boise Idaho Real Estate

Boise, ID

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Keller Williams Boise

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