CARNAC!!! CARNAC!!! CARNAC!!!

July has been a typical month so far on Active Rain - a month of carnivals, whiners, turd birds and blatant self promotion.  With 39,331 members of Active Rain, I realize that only about 100 people will actually "get" this post.  For the other 39,231 - move on, nothing to see here.

So what will August bring, you ask???   Here are Carnac's predictions for August:

1.  By popular demand, a subscribe to comments button will now be available so you can subscribe to your favorite blogger's comments.  Chris Elizabeth Griffith quickly rises to the top of the subscribed dashboard with such popular comments as "The toes one steps on today may be attached to the rump they have to kiss tomorrow."  Bob "Wise a$$ Carney, comes in a close second with his creative use of comment graphics.

2.  One moderator is accused of taking bribes.  The other 5 moderators are furious......................because they didn't think of it first!  As a result, bribes to moderators are now welcomed and enjoyed.  (Moderators feel free to list your preference for cash, food products or gift certificates in comments on this post.)

3.   In August there will be 67 posts about losing points, 82 posts about "What's the point of having points?" and 132 posts about "Why do all the old timers posts get featured all the time and mine don't?"  ( ummmmm, could it be that your posts are crappy?)

4.  In an effort to reach the top of the most subscribed dashboard, an Active Rain member creates a gigantic red button saying Subscribe to this Blog.  In August, he will reveal  a new version of the button which blinks and plays music from the Sopranos.

5.  A contest is announced for the shortest blog post.  Only those with less than 14 letters in their name will be eligible and able to beat the current front runner.  Bob Carney's comment on that post wins a special comment recognition award.

6.  Broker Bryant begins a new 10 part blogging series.  The series starts with: Active Rain is Like Being Back in High School - rebuttal. That is followed by: Active Rain is Like Being Back in Junior High School - rebuttal.  The series ends with: Active Rain is like being back in your mother's womb - rebuttal.  

7.  Project Blogger finally ends.  All of Active Rain rejoices.  But wait, before it ends there will be audience voting polls.  If you think people were whining before, wait for this fiasco.  OH BOY!!!  It ain't gonna be pretty as the big egos clash for one final time. So sit back, get out the popcorn and pass the salt. 

8.  Inspired by a post by Lola Audu's, a few creative Rainers begin selling an Active Rain Blog Comment Generator  for $5.95 a month.  The generator guarantees points for each blog comment.  If you sign up within the next 30 days, you will also receive a free "Subscribe to me" button in fluorescent lime or lemon AND a set of Ginzu knives. 

9.  The winner of "Things you never thought you'd see in a blog post" award goes to Shakespearian Jason Sardi in a moo moo.  Bom chicka wah wah 

10.  The Gods of Active Rain create a customer service department.Unable to afford Lexus customer service training, they instead elect to attend Daewoo training.  They promise to publish a phone number as soon as the monkey with a typewriter finishes writing War and Peace.

11.  One of Lenn Harley's  maps turns up in the latest Harry Potter book. Lenn sues JK Rowling who is quoted to say "I've had enough trouble for a lifetime," and ends the series.  

12. The Active Rain Gods announce that all video blogs will now get featured regardless of content until at which time they are no longer featured.  Understand?

13.  A new group is formed called "THE ACTIVE RAIN DELETERS"for those bloggers who ROUTINELY DELETE  other members comments.  All posts to this group must be written in CAPITAL LETTERS.  All comments to any posts to this group will immediately be deleted.

14. Due to the quick sell-out of Moderator Dartboards, Moderator Voodoo Dolls  will now be available for $29.95.  If you order within the next 30 days, you will receive a free comment deleter button AND (you betcha) a set of Ginzu knives.

15.  The little red X, is awarded 2381 times in August.  Unfortunately, those who receive the little bugger, have no idea why and continue to post crap. Frustrated and angry, Active Rainers elect Lenn Harley to be in charge of quality control and 5200 Active Rainers are deleted permanently.  Active Rainers rejoice!!! Long Live Lenn!!!!

 Dr. Phil returns once again with some advice:  Your posts aren't being featured?  It could be because your posts suck or the moderators just don't like you.  Think about it.

  -THE END-

Subscribe to this post for your August Predictions (Think blinking lights and music from the Sopranos here)

 In case you missed them:

January 1st Carnac Predictions

February Carnac Predictions

March Carnac Predictions

April Carnac Predictions

May Carnac Predictions

June Carnac Predictions