Many probably don't know this about me. You know me as an owner of a short sale processing company, and I am, first and foremost. Its my love and passion. But, I do like to flip houses too. And I mean flip in the traditional sense... buy an ugly house, fix it, sell a nice pretty house.
What I like most about doing that is that it leaves something real and solid behind.... a home that was the eyesore of the neigborhood is now its prized possession. So we do these kind of deals from time to time. Heck, I'm even living in one now (still ugly! But over the next two years, watch it transform!)
So forgive me for this post... I know its not about short sales. It probably won't help you in your business and it probably won't make you any money reading it. But its Sunday... and I thought I was just tell a story today.
My business partner and I have bought, fixed and sold about a dozen homes over the years, so we haven't done hundreds of them, but enough to see our share of ugliness.
Now, before I continue this story... I have to warn you.... this is going to be gross. Disgusting. If you have a weak stomach... STOP reading! I'm sure someone has posted something about flowers or grandmas or other niceties somewhere... go read that instead.
For the rest of you.... don't say I didn't warn you.
Now, as I was saying.... I've seen my share of nasty, ugly, and disgusting things. I have a novel's worth of stories. I've seen houses so rat-infested that poop literally poured out when I opened a cupboard door. I've seen a house so roach-infested the roaches have no place to hide and exterminators tell me its worse than any restaurant they've ever seen. And I've been inside a hoarder's house.... literally... a hoarder... who kept their old kitty litter in bags in the closet.
Some of them I bought, some of them I did not. But one house I did buy, and it was the most disgusting house I've ever seen. And I think what made it the most disgusting is not any one thing in particular (like rat poop), but it was the fact that the sellers lived in it, and.... get this.... didn't seem to think anything was out of the ordinary!
I wish I had the right words for this house. Dirty... it was that and so much more. Unsanitary... definitely. Gross.... yes... but none of those words really "cut it".
I guess I can just give some particulars. Like the one bedroom where one of the girls used to live. But it had gotten so piled up with garbage... and i mean GARBAGE... that she moved into her sisters room (and the same thing was happening there!)
There was the master bathroom toilet... that had never once been cleaned. NOTHING had ever been cleaned. The whitle toilet bowl was black from the water line down.
When we pulled the kitchen cabinets off the wall, the entire wall was stained light brown from roach poop (that's the first I learned of roach poop! I guess its true... Everyone Poops!).
The refrigerator you see above was full of food that had to be years old, and the icebox was almost completely frozen in. Stuff was spilled inside the refrigerator, dishes were never washed, and the carpets got so disgusting, that the owners cut them out... AROUND their furniture! So when they left... there were carpet patches in the exact shape of their furtniture... I kid you not.
Well, it all culminated on closing day. Because of their job, they couldn't close during normal business hours. So title agreed to arrange a closing at their house as a courtesy. By the way, my title company rocked this one!
All i can say is... that poor closer. He was an older gentleman... and to save him embarassement, I will just call him Sam. And Sam had no idea what he was walking into.
We were renting back to the seller's while their new house was being built (yes, I'm sure they did this to their new house by now too). So they hadn't moved or packed, everything was just like they lived every single day (3 kids!)
I was running late, but only because I stopped to buy water and use the restroom, cause Lord knows I was not going to use theirs.
So when I arrived, Sam was already sitting at the kitchen table and he had the most fritghtened and disgusted look on his face. I wore my worst jeans that day as I knew I would stick to the chairs at that kitchen table. The kitchen table itself was a mess... papers and junk and trash piled on it, standing liquid (I wouldn't ask) was on it.... this was the table we were going to close this sale on!
After "brushing away" some of the junk and liquid with his shirt sleeve and arm, the sellers were ready to close! And then those magic words came out of the seller's mouth. The words I will never forget. The words that still haunt me in my sleep. When the seller asked the closer these 7 little words.... "Would you like a glass of water?"
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo," I thought in my head as I tried to ESP/Vulcan-mind-meld myself into the closer's head. I'm pretty sure I even shook my head a little, widened my eyes and tried to get Sam's attention.
But it was too late. The whole world was in slow motion as I watched his lips perch together to form an "sh" sound.... "SSSSSSSSUUUUUUUREEE".
ACK! Oh Dear God! What did Sam just do? Did he not look around? Did he not notice the grape juice stains splattered on the walls? Had he not noticed the think layer of gooey roach glue around the cabinets to keep the roaches out? Had he not noticed the GIANT pile of dishes in the sink that had looked like they had been there since Alexander the Great walked the Earth?
Now that I think back on it, I think the seller was just as surprised he said yes as I was. She paused for a second, then must of thought to herself, "well now what do I do?". I bet in all her 40+ years, no one had ever said, "yes"!
After the brief pause that felt like 238492878923.28 minutes, she turns around, heads to the sink, digs around.... and I mean that... she literally DUG in the sink... and pulled out what only can be called "a glass"... although, I'm pretty certain after several years of build-up, its more "mystery matter" than actually glass.
I watched in amazement as she ran the glass under the tap and swished around the glass with her fingers in an attempt to wash it. I was floored as she walks over to the freezer, chisels out an ice tray and manages to dislodge one peice of ice and clanked into the glass. And I almost lost my lunch when she filled it with tap water and set it in front of Sam.
Sam was over 80 years old, that's a fact. I don't think he could see real good, but one thing I am certain he saw... and I'm certain because I am an eye witness to his facial expression... was the light translucent brown liquid speckeled with bits and pecies of who-knows-what that was in the glass that had just been placed before him to quench his thirst.
Sam never took even a sip of that water... never even pretended. But I do have to say one thing positive.
That was the fastest closing I've ever done. That 80 year old man could MOVE through paperwork!
Stay tuned for Part II.
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