Urban Love: One Man's Trash is Another Man's Treasure!

You'll have to forgive me...I've had to surrender to my inner Carrie Bradshaw for the purpose of this blog post...

I recently read an article in the L.A. Times that made me breathe a sigh of relief about being a single, taller-than-average gal in L.A. According to the article, Tall Girls, More Cattle, if I get too hard up for companionship, I'm only a plane flight away from a sea full of eager Sudanese suitors, ready to honor, adore, and capitalize off of prospective young brides whose height beats the bell curve.

It seems that "tall girls fetch more cattle because their daughters will quickly grow and can be married off to fetch even more cattle," according to a Sudanese chief interviewed for the article. "A tall girl can command 60 to 100 cattle from a suitor. A short girl may get 20 head, and, sometimes, short girls overstay their welcome in the father's home and end up fetching only five cattle. By then, a tall girl has already borne five children." Hey, there's no ambiguity here- these people know exactly what they want- bring on the Amazons!

Now here's where it get's amusing...

After five years in L.A., I have yet to shake my bafflement over the dating scene here. There is definitely a 'smoke & mirrors' element going on in la-la land and few are ever what they appear or advertise. It's a slippery slope: most everyone, even those in committed relationships, seems always to have at least one eye out for a bigger, better slice of pie. Everyone's looking for something better because they're not truly happy with what they've got. No one seems to be happy with what they've got since they've never really taken the time to figure out what they want. They only know that it's not the person they're with.

Just as in Sudan, our preferences for a mate really indicate a lot about our cultural influences, the priorities in our lives, and how we view ourselves in the context of a partnership. What one person finds appealing, may be a complete turn off for another. Knowing this, it seems obvious that the first step in finding happiness with another person is to get real clear on exactly what we want in a companion. As a perfect example of this lack of clarity, take an interaction a good friend of mine- tall & single- recently had on a dating website (names have been changed to protect the innocent):

Email #1, from the tall friend to an online suitor:
ok...so this feels a bit weird for me... I won't tell you that I haven't dabbled on an online dating site before, but it still feels so impersonal and disconnected. I feel like I'm at the grocery store, picking through a bunch of bruised apples to find the last good one, but you really don't know until you get it home and take a bite. that sounded kind of weird, didn't it? Anyway, you piqued my interest because of your smile, that appears warm and genuine, and the fact that you love all the same little L.A. things that I do and I could not agree with you more about the driving frustrations. This is the life here in L.A. You seem like a nice guy. Let me know if you have any interest in getting to know one another....
Email #2, response from suitor:
You completely busted me up with "bruised apples" analogy! You must be new to this site!! I so often refer to online dating as rummaging through the damaged bin and looking for that one perfectly good widget or whatchamakalit that somehow got misplaced in THAT bin, you know? Diamond in the rough, so to speak... That being said-- I think you are lovely and cool and have a certain humility I admire, so thank you for risking yourself as you did: I am honored. I will make one request however: You are soooo tall - Please don't wear high heels around me. At least not in the beginning. I'd hate for you to find yourself looking down on me on that first date, not even an inch! ;-) Throw me a number so I can do the more normal and gentlemanly thang of calling the lovely-lass girlie. We can carry this on there. Oh, I'm Bob. And Again, You're Lovely.
Email #3- Response to the Suitor:
Oohh Bob... I'm sorry about the height thing...obviously not something I can help. Depending on the date, I usually wear flats because I have learned from past experience that a lot of men really get hung up on my height and it tends to make them feel emasculated. The last thing a big girl wants to do is emasculate a man because then she feels that he no longer sees her as feminine and womanly, and no girl wants to feel that way. It's funny...I have dated men shorter than me who had no problem with my height, in flats or heels, simply because their inner confidence and outward swagger made up for any element of inferiority that the world could possibly label them with. There is nothing sexier than a man who just isn't phased.... I don't mean to give you a hard time, Bob, but asking a tall girl to wear flats is liking telling a chubby girl to wear all black. Since you have brought it up on your first email to me, I know that it would be an issue for you and that you would feel emasculated, at least a little, which now automatically makes me feel as if I would be unattractive or unfeminine in your eyes. you see? It might be a good idea to change the height of your ideal match on your profile, so that you can really find someone who meets your criteria instead of someone that you have to ask to adapt and adjust themselves in order to make the cut. Best of luck, Bob, and truly, thanks for your interest!

Poor Bob, you gotta work on your game, dude. Needless to say, my friend is still single and searching, but after some consoling, I think she feels better knowing that there are 'different strokes for different folks', a taller and more secure piece of pie out there somewhere, and a whole tribal community ready to worship her big, gangly bod. Most importantly, she's getting clear on what she wants (or doesn't want, in this instance).

If a Sudanese tribe can make love a simplistic formula, certainly the rest of us should also be able to come up with a formula that works for our individual needs? There doesn't even have to be cattle involved! Just figure out what you want and why, stick to your shopping list, and hold on for dear life when you hit the mother lode!