Several lenders announced new guidelines today in effort to stem loses from poorly performing Alt-A and subprime mortgage loans. The new guidelines will ensure that borrowers are able to afford their mortgages and prevent future foreclosures.

• Mortgage applicants must have 20/20 vision.  Corrected vision with contacts will require a .5% rate add-on.  Glasses are not permitted.
• Borrowers must have three FICO scores above 800. The borrowers’ parents and first cousins must also have FICOs above 720.
• DNA, retina scans, and fingerprint samples will be collected on all full documentation loans
• Private Mortgage Insurance (PMI) will be required on all mortgage loans regardless of Loan to Value (LTV). Applicants can substitute their first born child’s future earnings in place of PMI.
• Thirty years of cash reserves are now required on all loans
• Debt to Income ratios will be limited to 5%
• A maximum LTV of 20% will be allowed on all loans. Borrowers may get a second mortgage for a maximum combined LTV of 21%.
• Salary.com is no longer acceptable for verification of stated income loans. Stated income applicants must now be listed on the Forbes Richest 100 list.
• Five appraisals are now required. All comparable properties must be 100% identical to the subject property and within .01% of the appraised value.  Value must be verified by Zillow.com
• Interest rates will be based on whatever makes up the loss on all the other stupid loans we made over the past few years