Somebody walked by my area of the working world today and inquired on what website I was exploring. I introduced them to AR and considering they knew my job history, it should of ended there. But it didn't. They wondered why I was still involved and participating in such a forum when I would be getting no monetary benefit from such. I consider that a fair question. Here's my fair answer:
If I had utilized it the way maybe I should of, perhaps things would have turned out differently. As it sits, I write and post whatever is on my mind. Did then and I can rationalize it more now. But just when I garnered the trust of certain folks and could start doing business in other states beyond Pennsylvania, I was sitting in a four by four cubicle shaking my head at the incompetence around me. I deleted the MySpace page I had in front of me and went to work ... but it was too late ... for me and that particular firm.
Truth be written, I do wonder why I participate on this forum so regularly these days. Perhaps it's because I enjoy certain reads, personalities, conflicts, and have an ego about me. You see, that last part is important ... I DO have an ego about me. And at one point in time I thought I was just about the best at what I did. Not what I wrote, but what I did. The checking account disagreed, yet I loved what I did and how I did it and there was nobody who would keep me from continuing a path to make sure that my career decision when I decided to no longer be a waiter and to go into the Mortgage Biz, was the right and righteous one. What I didn't fully realize is each path serves, you just have the possibility of making more money in the latter.
And money, while not a way to happiness, affords living a life with one less trouble ... a financial one. The very thing I was annoited by myself to do was to put my own capitalistic future in the hands of stocks that would pay dividends and is the exact reason I got out. I didn't just lose money; I gained and lost love.
But it wasn't love for what it should be. Instead, it was love for what I didn't turn out to be. I can't help everybody and though I believe a righteous heart resides inside, so does an often times detrimental ego inside my temples. I wanted to be a famous pious man. My time here brought me damn close to that ... and I dare not to let it go. And dare myself to grow ... and not just inside my worn panties.
If there is a Jesus and he could read me now, he'd probably respond in the now conventional way, "WTF!" And if Mary is within reading distance, she'd probably echo that and feature the damn comment in some religious style that is foreign to many readers.
Bottom line; I have this passion thing going on and no amount of capitalistic failure will ever change that.
I won't let it go. I don't want to make a last mistake, not ever.
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