Although Miss Bad Manners 
suspects that Sunday evenings is theabsolute worst time to blog and expect people to read, Miss Bad Manners has just completed a seven hour drive on the national highway system and felt it imperative to remind her genteel readers of the general rules of the road!
- Please use the Left Lane at all times! As NASCAR has demonstrated, the inside line is the path to victory. By establishing position there, you control the pace of the race. The only thing that matters is that YOU get there first, time of arrival is irrelevant!
- Please do not make use of the cylindrical object on the left of the steering column! Providing an indication to your competitors allows them to preempt your move for position. Surprise them instead! It also helps them learn the Serenity prayer!
- Please drive your 1993 Mustang with the growling muffler system like you are auditioning for professional racing, slaloming through the traffic and fitting into spaces that would be tight for a gnat's butt! Considering that there are probably less than a 1000 people worldwide who make a living driving professional race cars, there is obviously a real shortage of talented drivers and perhaps a scout will observe you and sign you up! By the way, the Quit Bitchin' bumper sticker? Classic! You've already told all the other drivers what you think about their opinions of your driving.
- If the road signs indicate a lane is about end within the next mile? Please do NOT merge until the last thirty feet! All those other drivers lined up and waiting for the last 1/2 mile? Mere peons and not one of the "Special" people whose time is obviously more important! Please continue to procreate, we have a shortage of Wall Street bankers and politicians, and Junior Biff and Little Prissy are bound to grow up just like you!
- Please do not refrain from texting, talking on a non hands free cell, eating your double cheeseburger while simultaneously dipping your fries in ketchup, applying makeup, shaving, reading the newspaper, typing your next blog, or loading a CD or audio book. Your erratic changes in speed and direction, and inability to stay within your lines are important to train less attentive drivers and hone their reaction skills!
- If another driver honks their horn to warn you of your impending collision, please extend the universal one fingered salute as a Thank You! to indicate that you had it under control already and did NOT need their assistance!
Miss Bad Manners hopes this guide has been most helpful. Miss Bad Manners also requests that her students inform her before venturing out onto the highways so that she may stay safely in her parlor!
Regards with deepest sincerety,
Miss Bad Manners
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25 Comments on Miss Bad Manners Guide to Highway Etiquette
Unfortunately, this was just an average day on the highway, only difference was with 437 miles of trip, more time to observe! Only the last bullet didn't happen this trip (that's one is a personal favorite from almost two years ago! Porsche Cayenne driver with Ohio plates MJB 001, you hold a special place in my memories!)
If I didn't know better I'd say your veered way off course during your ride back to the serenity of OhiO and made a little detour around the 285 beltway of Atlanta (time of day irrelevant). Number of Miss Bad Manners...well, they are innumerable.
Just know that the median wall, does indeed, leave a mark.
Glad you are back home safe & sound!
Miss Bad Manners believes these behaviours to be universal truths and integral to humanity throughout our Great Nation!
Miss Bad Manners desires to avoid contact with solid barriers, particularly when in a rental car! The Dodge Avenger in royal blue would be avenged by Avis's attorneys!
Hysterical guys. As I told Carla, I met all these people on the road today. I did not know they had been coached by Miss Bad Manners.
Those bad manners seem to be universal throughout the United States. Especially those on their phone.
Jane, We meet most of these people almost every day!
Marchel, Watched one car today repeatedly wander from the right lane halfway into left. She finally stayed put long enough to get by her. Looked to the right and she was fully engaged at looking down. Can only assume she was busy texting!
*is trying to stop laughing long enough to actually type* Wow! . . . . . Are you sure that you did not make a wrong turn and go through New York or Phoenix? ;) BTW you forgot to add the Tossing-food-out-the-window-to-see-if-you-can-peg-the-car-behind-you Game. It's an additional 50 points if you hit the driver's side of the window with something that does not come off with washer fluid. (like nacho cheese for example)
I'm glad you made it home in one piece and were sufficiently un-traumatized enough to blog about the experience. ;)
Phly,
Miss Bad Manner's reader Homer Simpson decries the waste of nacho cheese! However, Homer advocates using brussel sprouts or liver and onions for such use!
Miss Bad Manners has not personally witnessed the food throwing behavior, so perhaps this is a regional game? Although she did once work with someone who claimed to have successfully stuck a Mickey D's chocolate shake AND order of fries to someone's windshield. An Irish engineer possesses both the temper to engage in the act and the technical know how to calculate the needed trajectory to splat the target!
However, you're comments reminded Miss Bad Manners of an additional observation from yesterday:
Do follow close enough to engage in "drafting". Following sufficiently close enables all cars involved to be more aerodynamic and achieve improved fuel performance. If you REALLY care about the environment, do not leave an entire car length between yourself and the car in front of you!
Liz and Bill - This is soooo funny and unfortunately I encounter every single one of these driver's on a weekly, if not daily basis.
This is just to funny! The unfortunate thing is that I see these drivers all of the time and when it happens it isn't nearly as funny. Have a great week.
Michelle, They're definitely out there. To quote Pogo "We have met the enemy and He is Us!".
Carra, Miss Bad Manners occasionally is unable to refrain from questioning other drivers lineage!
Liz & Bill - This was the second time that I actually read this post and it's even funnier. LMAO!!!
Donne,
Glad you enjoyed our work! You keep up the LMAO, and you won't have any A left!
You're so funny! As fate (and genetics) would have it, I got plenty of @$$ to go around even if I spent the rest of my days LMAO. :)
Donne,
I'm certainly not the skinny pup I used to be! Oh well, age and lack of self-discipline (mostly the 2nd)
Bill
This is funny - but sad - some people actually drive like this. I wonder if this is their mindset. Thanks for the laugh - sort of laugh through my road rage.
Dianne, Unfortunately, this is one of Miss Bad Manners more accurate and less fanciful portrayals. We see most of this every week (if not daily).
Did I stumble upon the first "Miss Bad Manners" post? I swear, turn signals were discontinued in new cars about 5 years ago!
Yes, yes you did! The inspiration was a solo drive back from Maryland. Could hardly wait to get out of the car and get the laptop fired up and get drafting :)
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