Asking for What You Need

by: Bernice Ross

Have you ever heard the phrase: “Ask, and you shall receive?” As common as this phrase is, it would be easy to conclude that many people have mastered this skill. In actuality, most people have mastered “giving” while very few have mastered “asking”. To develop the life you’ve always dreamed of, asking for what you need is essential.

The two key components in asking for what you need are giving yourself permission to ask and practice. While not everyone will accommodate your request, mastering these two steps can open a whole different world for you.

For most people, practicing is the easy part. The hardest part is actually giving yourself permission to ask. Consider your own life for a moment — how do you determine when to give yourself permission to ask for what you need? Is it after a fight? Must you struggle with something first before you give in? Do you need someone else to say it’s ok first before you give yourself permission? What belief or “truth” do you currently hold that blocks you from asking for what you need?

To determine what may be blocking you from asking what you need, sit quietly for a moment and picture someone you know who easily asks for what they need. Do you see this person as “pushy”, “forceful”, “obnoxious” or do you see them as a role model? By discovering your own attitudes towards those who are good at asking for what they need, you may be able to identify the beliefs that hold you back. For example, if you view people who ask for what they need as being selfish, you may avoid fulfilling your own needs because you don’t want to be perceived as selfish. To make the shift, consider fulfilling your needs as taking very good care of yourself instead of being selfish. Another common way people avoid fulfilling their own needs is to expect that other person “intuitively knows” what it is they need. Given that most of us aren’t mind readers, the smart move is to simply tell others what you need. This simple strategy helps to avoid anger and disappointment from unexpressed expectations.

To practice asking for what you need, a simple approach is to view it an expansion of a skill you already have. For example, when you go to a restaurant or to a movie, you have no trouble telling others what it is you want to eat or see. To build this skill, practice expanding it to other situations. A simple place to start is by asking someone at the grocery store to help you find an item or asking someone to help you with a problem you’ve encountered. Asking for what you need is neither a skill you can delegate nor overlook as you live your life. The time you spend practicing will return far greater dividends than any initial discomfort you experience.

Coaching Tips:

Ready to begin asking for what you need? One way to break through any limiting beliefs is by the simple step of taking action. The goal here is to practice asking for what you need in small areas of your life. As you gain experience, learning to ask for things in the major parts of your life becomes easier.

1. Choose one small area of your life that you feel confident and comfortable in. Choosing a small area where you do not have high expectations or “attachments” will make this process much easier.
2. Give yourself blanket permission to ask for what you need. This means that you can ask for anything you might need — period.
3. Consider your chosen area and come up with one thing you need. Again, by making it a small need, you increase the likelihood of success with this exercise.
4. Ignore any internal dialogue about whether you “should or should not” be able to get this need met. The larger and more significant the item that you need, the more likely you’ll run right into this voice. For now, just thank the voice (thought, feeling, etc.) for the feedback and move on.
5. Identify one person who can meet or exceed your specific need. If this is a friend who is willing to support you, then tell your friend what you are doing and ask for their support as you gain practice in the skill of asking.
6. Ask. Taking the action step is essential here.
7. Review what you experienced, felt, and learned about yourself and others during this process. Was it easy or hard? Fun or challenging? Emotionally draining or up-lifting?
8. Practice again and again and again. You may find yourself surprised at how easy it becomes asking for what you need.

One final word here — asking for something and receiving what you’ve asked for are not the same thing. Be willing to not get what you want while at the same time being focused on the skill of asking. Over time, you will gain clarity about what is really important to you as well as what really doesn’t matter. Just keep practicing.

Bernice Ross is a member of the Broker Agent Speakers Bureau which is a full service Speakers Bureau serving the real estate and financial industry. To learn more about Bernice, view her bio or visit www.BrokerAgentSpeakers.com.