Bank of America Announces New BFF Program

Charlotte – Bank of America wants to be your new BFF (Best Friend Forever) and is spending $100 million of its first quarter $3.2 billion profit prove it.

In an effort to forestall a run by depositors and improve customer relations, Bank of America has unveiled a ‘themed’ Best Friends Forever program that includes free Disney passes in Orlando, FL, free ice cream in Le Mars, IA, tulips in Holland, MI, cheese in Wisconsin and chocolate candy bars by the bucketful in Hershey, PA.

Customers in Milwaukee are still hoping for an ice cold beer at the drive through.

So far, the new program is proving to be only “marginally successful.”

Public relations experts believe it’s lackluster success is due to public distrust over hidden fee gouging, sloppy short sale processing, bad customer service, fine print “finagling” and general employee incompetence.

According to one source, “I just don’t trust all of this smiling, hugging and kissing up. It gags me, if you want to know the truth.” “I know the minute I turn my back, these banker sons a bitches will go right back to being sneaky and underhanded.”

A retiree in Florida said she loved all the Disney Characters at her branch and went on to say “I just love it when Cinderella lets me use the magic wand! All I have to do is wave it over the computer screen and it instantly “waives” erroneous fees the bank charges me almost every month. It’s such fun!”

The new BFF program also includes free sterling silver friendship rings for every new account opened, and kisses from tellers after every transaction.

Clark Howard, renowned financial guru and talk show host, smells a rat. “And it’s not the Mickey Mouse kind of rat BOA wants you to think it is, folks.”

"This PR move on the part of BOA is nothing more than a carnival attraction to divert attention off of what BOA is really doing to its customers on a daily basis. Don’t buy it for a minute."

Brian “Moneyhand,” chief executive officer and president of Bank of America Corporation, said “The Best Friends Forever program is just what we need to continue being the best business model in our industry.”

“We love our customers! Honest, we really do.”

“Can I offer you another scoop of vanilla on that ice cream cone?

“Mickey, come on over and give this nice lady a kiss.”

“This Best Friend Forever team will not waver in our commitment to achieve BOA’s goal of economic prosperity and a big pot of gold at the end of MY rainbow!”

“Kisses, everyone!”