“Good afternoon, Scottsdale. This is Paul Slaybaugh reporting live from the mouth of a saber-toothed tiger.”
“While waiting for an underwriter to emerge from the bowels of the Real Estate Colosseum to give the thumbs up or thumbs down to a pair of prostrate gladiators, we break from the action to report on the day’s proceedings.”
“With two more famished lion versus catnip-dipped slave matchups slated for the lunch hour crowd, the tally currently stands at Man: 0, Beasts: 137. Looked like Buyer #42 was going to get the humans in the win column for a few fleeting moments, but ultimately, the three-headed Cerberus of Ben Bernanke, Bank of America and Fran Drescher (come on, you know she has something to do with this) proved too much for the plucky upstart. Once he slipped on the appraisal banana peel, it was all over.”
“What’s this? The assembled crowd is now doing the wave? Oh, scratch that … the bank is simply asking for another volunteer. Given the constant drumbeat of low prices and low rates, there is no shortage of potential grease for the machine amongst their ranks. Looks like we have a new entrant, too. Good credit, steady employment with solid income. Ladies and gentleman, could this be our champion who navigates the gauntlet?”
“Hmm … they are trying to match him up with a property that has been flipped within the last 90 days. The seller stands to make 250k without adding a single documentable dollar's worth of renovation.”
“That’s okay, he has 20% down in cash! He’s going to make it!”
“Oh, no … no, no, no! This is terrible! The bank just got wind that he has negative equity in his current home! The underwriter smells a buy and bail! Additional documentation is being requested!”
“Hurry, lad! The rabid dingoes are gaining on you!”
“What’s this? He’s got a lease! He has a signed lease to demonstrate that his existing home will be used as a rental! I can’t quite make out the figures from here, but it appears that it might be close to a break even!”
“Fax it over, son! For the love of God, the monkeys riding the dingoes have you in the cross hairs of their slingshots!”
“It’s sent! But no confirmation! Oh, this is horrible, I can hardly bear to watch! He’s sending it again! This time to the underwriter, his loan officer, his agent, the title company and the Surgeon General via fax, email, direct mail and carrier pigeon!”
“Look at this cool cucumber, he thought a step ahead and forwarded a sample of his third grade teacher’s DNA to the bank’s CSI lab!”
“The package is complete! The wolverines sitting atop the monkeys atop the dingoes are within leaping distance! It’s going to be a photo finish!”
“As the underwriter lumbers back to his perch and waits for the gratifying hush to fall over the crowd, all eyes are directed to the clammy arm that stretches from his blood-flecked toga. He makes a fist, save for the extended thumb, and slowly wiggles it up and down, gaging the reaction from the ravenous throng. Does he file those teeth?”
“Yea or nay, what will it be? The suspense is killing this reporter!”
“Looks like it’s going to be …
... connection ... reaking up ..."
<transmission interrupted>
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