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An Open Letter to the Hateful & Homophobic: Look What You Have Done

By
Real Estate Agent with Better Homes & Gardens | The Masiello Group

 

This is an open letter to the hateful and homophobic among us. You know down deep in your heart who you are, even though you may try to make yourself feel better by believing you are just standing up for what you believe. It is time to ask yourself what you do believe.

Children are dying. Right now, right here in this country, and in epidemic proportions. Most people with a pulse have heard of, and are devastated by, the recent string of teen suicides. I think it is important to take the story one step further and understand where this is coming from. Our entire society needs to take on the task of reigning in bullying and vow to not let another slander pass by our ears unchallenged.

...but this is also more than bullying.

We need to see how this got to be so huge and what created the current climate that has emboldened some children so that they think it is alright to make other children feel so alone and unwelcome in this world that living no longer seems like a viable option.

These children were killed by their own hand when their hand was grabbed and pushed toward the gun, or the rope, or the pills by the small minded, hateful and homophobic among us.

Why now?

Think about it. Recent elections across the country have included long awaited equality measures for our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. These measures intended to finally right longstanding wrongs and ensure the protections guaranteed in the constitution for all of our citizens were met not by rational discussion or argument, but by hate, intolerance and fear. Why? There is no sane rationalization for denying equality to all, so fear and hate have become the tools of choice to scare and motivate the masses to vote against their fellow Americans.

I hear you call yourselves “social conservatives*.” What a pleasant sounding term. I for one will no longer let you hide behind this euphemism and will call you what you are - Hateful, resentful, and inhumane. You are the killers of children.

You think this is too harsh? Well maybe it takes harsh words to get you to understand what you have done. The hate-filled, fear motivated, and intolerant language you bombarded the airwaves with (and possibly even your own family discussions) during these elections has empowered your soon to be hate-filled, fear motivated, and intolerant offspring to torment their peers. They are following your lead. You have successfully taught them to ignore the golden rule you used to talk so much about when they were younger.

You have unintentionally turned your very own children into killers of children. You have created a climate where children no longer feel safe, hopeful, or welcome in this world, all because there are those that are different from you and who dare to dream of equality, who dare to dream of love...of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

You are NOT the righteous! You are the killers of children. I know that I am being painfully blunt, but look at what you have done. Yes, look... and then look deep within yourselves.

Is this what you really set out to do? Is this really who you want to be? Is the death of children really the desire of your religion?  Do you want your child to live his/her whole life knowing they were the one who pushed another child over the edge?

I sincerely doubt this result was what you had in mind when you joined in with the hateful rhetoric. Yes, words can hurt and even kill. Most especially words designed to make someone feel as though they are less and deserve less than you just because of who they are.  Most especially when they are constantly picked up by the ears of a vulnerable teenager.

I'm guessing that you were concerned and fearful of changes to what you have known your whole life. I'm guessing that you do not understand how someone can be so different from yourself or perhaps you see yourself in them and that scares you. I'm guessing that you just didn't consider the effects of the shouts, signs, and rallies and that you were caught up in the fear you heard from others you have always trusted.

If the death of so many children is not your desire, you should know that you have the power to change this for those who remain.

You have the power to turn hate into love and fear into understanding. It does get better.

 

*Editorial Note:   I had a wonderful conversation with someone who identifies himself as a "social conservative," but agrees with everything else written in this post.  I just wanted to add that I know there are those of you out there who have long considered yourselves conservative and do not fall into the category of people I describe above.  I do feel that the term has morphed over time and perhaps has always meant different things to different people.  I am concerned by those that hide behind this phrase because it sounds nicer than the ideas they are actually supporting. 

When a person's hard fought "conservative" beliefs move away from personal responsibility and towards suppressing the rights of others, creating 2nd class citizens, and infringing on personal freedoms, then I think they threaten freedom and equality and have become simply hateful, resentful, and inhumane.

Posted by

The Maine Real Estate Network - Kristen Wheatley - Lewiston-Auburn Maine Real Estate

Maine Realtor Kristen Wheatley  

Kristen Wheatley is a Maine Realtor working and living in Central Maine.  She specializes in the sale of residential and investment property in the Lewiston-Auburn area and surrounding towns.  Kristen uses the latest tools and mobile technology to provide a superior experience and results for her clients and enjoys sharing these technology skills and teaching other real estate professionals and local small business owners.

The Maine Real Estate NetworkKristen Wheatley, Associate Broker
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Judy Klem
Transition Stage LLC - Shelton, CT
Home Staging, Senior Move Management, Fairfield/New Haven counties

Hi Kristen - Well said. The NY Times recently had an article about how bullying is starting as early as kindergarten!!!  The worst part to me about that was that some parents of the bullys actually pat them on the back for being "cool" and "hip" - totally frightening.

Oct 15, 2010 01:07 AM
Ryan Case
SCA Real Estate - Anaheim, CA
877-828-0710

Recommended a feature :) My business partner is gay, and he is one of my closest friends.

Oct 15, 2010 04:10 AM
Kristen Wheatley
Better Homes & Gardens | The Masiello Group - Brunswick, ME
Supporting Success - Best Job in the World!

I agree Judy, it is scary.  There are so many things about adult interactions with children that create an atmosphere where bullying is (even if inadvertently) encouraged.

Tom:  Thank you.  This hits close to home for so many.

Oct 15, 2010 05:13 AM
Malcolm Johnston
Century 21 Lanthorn Real Estate LTD., Trenton, Ontario - Trenton, ON
Trenton Real Estate

Well said Kristen.  It's amazing how the word conservative has been hijacked.  People oftentimes do not realize how their words and actions resonate with their children and oftentimes become manifested in unintended ways. We must always carefully guard our thoughts and words and truly learn to accept people as they are.

Oct 16, 2010 06:49 AM
Charles Edwards Bentonville
Coldwell Banker Harris McHaney & Faucette 479-253-3796 - Bentonville, AR
AR REALTOR, Bentonville Real Estate Agent and Broker

Kristen. What is there left to say? Not much but I'll just add this reminder, never be too busy to love and encourage those in difficult places in life. I know that there are times when a single loving, kind word can change the direction of a bad day. We all need to BE the change we want to see in the world.

Oct 16, 2010 08:16 AM
Kristen Wheatley
Better Homes & Gardens | The Masiello Group - Brunswick, ME
Supporting Success - Best Job in the World!

So true Malcolm.  People seem to be getting very worked up over others rather than perhaps focusing on themselves and their own families.

Oct 16, 2010 08:16 AM
Kristen Wheatley
Better Homes & Gardens | The Masiello Group - Brunswick, ME
Supporting Success - Best Job in the World!

Very well put Charles!

Oct 16, 2010 08:18 AM
Lisa Hatfield
Pinnacle Real Estate Services - Sevierville, TN

All I can say is bullying is more prevalent now than I ever remember and hate runs rampant on both sides..liberal and conservative.  It is a scary world we live in and our children are suffering because of it. 

I know I need my computer and cell phone for my career, but I believe that it being put in our children's hands at such a young age has made things a thousand times worse.  If you look at the majority of the bullying and the suicides of young people that have been bullied...they have been bullied via the Internet or cellphones.  There are parents out there that are morons and insensitive imbeciles, but I really believe that is not the main cause of the bullying.  I believe that young children should not have access to cellphones with texting apps or Internet access without parental supervision.  Kids are easily manipulated by other kids. And I don't know if any of you have been bullied...but kids are evil. I was bullied in middle school by a group of "mean girls"...I praise God that there were no cellphones or internet back then.  I can't imagine what I could have gone through. 

I even made sure to name my own children names that couldn't be turned into something that kids could use to pick on them.  (Note: I had an awful maiden name.)

Just remember it isn't just the Homophobic "killing our children"....talk to a teen today and ask what it is like to be a teen.  I am telling you straight or gay, it will blow your mind wide open.

Note: I work with teen girls at my church, the majority of which do not have parents that go to church.  They live in motels and 1/4 of "my girls" have been raped or molested before the age of 13.  So I kind of know what I am talking about.  It just breaks my heart.

Oct 16, 2010 03:09 PM
Kristen Wheatley
Better Homes & Gardens | The Masiello Group - Brunswick, ME
Supporting Success - Best Job in the World!

Hello Lisa,

I do agree that bullying seems more rampant today than when I was a child, and technology has given kids another tool to use.  One that they seem to feel they can use in secret and not out in the open.  All of these tech tools/toys are what people make of them and there are plenty of children who choose not to use them for tormenting their peers.  I too choose not to have my child use a cell phone or other gadgets yet.  A few things I learned from experiences with my older son convinced me that for my family, there would be no TVs, phones, or computers in bedrooms.  I prefer these things to be in family spaces, but I know that other families make other choices for themselves.

I do not think children are evil however.  They learn what they see  Beyond the group that seem to be born with severe behavioral/emotional issues (and I have seen that as well,) children take their cues from those around them.  Face to face bullying is also more prevelant, not just with cell phones and such.

From my experiences I would have to say that I see much more hate on the extreme conservative side.  This certainly does not mean that all conservatives are hateful or even homophobic, but the truly hateful seem to find refuge in that group.

Being a teenager has always been difficult and I can't even imagine being one now.  Bullying seems to know no boundaries and children are tormented for just about anything that makes them appear different.  This says a lot about our society and the price we put on being different, instead of praising these differences.  Right now though teen suicides among gay teens are skyrocketing.  There are many in our culture that seem to think this is the one group that it is "safe" to torment.  This comes from the behavior of adults being absorbed by children.  The hate does not start with the kids, they learned it somewhere.

The torment that you went through and that of the girls that you work with has to stop and it will need to be stopped by the adults in the room.  The work you are doing is wonderful and just what is needed in every corner of this country.  Children need someone to turn to.

Thank you for everything you are doing to turn this around.

 

 

Oct 17, 2010 01:26 AM
Hugh Krone
Weichert Referral Associates - Hamburg, NJ
Realtor, Sussex County NJ

Kristen,

You obviously feel passionate about what you wrote but I think you just highlighted the problem as to why nothing gets accomplished anymore. Instead of the well thought out argument I am sure you are capable of you instead used the platform to level one insult after another against those withwho'm you disagree. Do you really think this is the way to win anyone over to your opinion? I am a social conservative who would agree with quite a bit you had to say , but I fear your intro would only lead to rhetoric instead of menaningful discussion.

 

Oct 17, 2010 09:48 AM
Kristen Wheatley
Better Homes & Gardens | The Masiello Group - Brunswick, ME
Supporting Success - Best Job in the World!

Hugh, I'm sorry you feel that way.  I must say that I stand by every word and do not think this is a simple matter of "people with whom I disagree."  Who agrees with bullying and making children feel unsafe and unwelcome?  Who believes that hateful speech can pervade the airwaves and not have an impact on children?  This is not a political issue, but one of people making hateful statements and inadvertently teaching and encouraging their children to do the same.  Do I believe the people to whom I refer intended for children to commit suicide?  Of course not, but that is the problem.  I do not think they fully understood the repercussions of their actions.

How long do regular, sane, rational people have to "play nice" and enable those engaging in simply unacceptable behavior (hateful) that is resulting in the deaths of children.  I personally do not see this as a controversial issue.  I truly do not think there are people on either side of that overly mentioned aisle who are willing to count the deaths of children as "acceptable losses."

I do not think that it is rhetoric to pull the truth out into the light.  I do not think this is undue exaggeration.  I think it is a long overdue highlighting of the effects of hate speech.  All of this hate has had an impact.  That does not mean that all "social conservatives" participated in the hate speech.  I would think that the sane and rational social conservatives out there (and I know there are some) would be a bit upset at the extremists tarnishing that label.

Interestingly, this post has provided the most meaningful discussions of any of the items I have posted.  I have received more phone calls pro and slightly con (mostly due to the "social conservative" label) than I ever have.  I have enjoyed each and every very meaningful conversation.  In fact, it was one of those conversations that led to the addition of the editorial note.

I do think it is time for all of us to examine all of these labels.  So many have morphed into something that seems very different from their origin.  Labels, although frequently used, have become meaningless.  Hopefully, this lack of meaning will help everyone to evaluate their own beliefs rather than simply hanging them on the banner of a group.

I can only speak to my own experiences.  Here in my state, the true hate speech (and I do mean down right nasty hate speech) came from those who self-identified as "social conservatives."  This is what I refer to in the post.  They called themselves that and I simply cannot allow myself to participate in their euphemism.

 

Oct 17, 2010 11:03 AM
Rich Quigley
Chicago, IL

Very well written post, Kristen. It obviously came from the heart.

Unfortunately, the bullies in our society are helped by some people in positions of authority, from politicians like Christine O'Donnell and Carl Pallidio, talk show hosts like Michael Savage and Michael Medved and others.

Groups like The Family Research Council, lead by Tony Perkins (not the star of Pycho, but maybe he should have been) blame the victim.

Unfortunately, many "religious" leaders also contribute to the problem. When I stopped being a Catholic, I felt that I had not abandoned the religion, the religion had abandoned me. There is an interesting post on The Huffington Post, stating what religious leaders should be doing. Here is the link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bishop-gene-robinson/how-religion-is-killing-o_b_764568.html

Writer Dan Savage has started the series "It Gets Better" on U-Tube and deserves a lot of credit for counteracting the homophobes out there.

Oct 18, 2010 04:40 AM
Kristen Wheatley
Better Homes & Gardens | The Masiello Group - Brunswick, ME
Supporting Success - Best Job in the World!

Rich:  Thank you so much for the link!  I had not seen this yet.  I am so glad that people are speaking out and his article has too many favorite parts to mention.  Everyone needs to go and take a look at it.

Yes, Dan Savage is wonderful.  We all need to keep this conversation going and vow to never again let a slanderous remark pass by our ears unchallenged.

Oct 18, 2010 04:56 AM
James Quarello
JRV Home Inspection Services, LLC - Wallingford, CT
Connecticut Home Inspector

Kristen, Hate has been and continues to be disguised by speech and "beliefs". As a father of two young girls stories like these really hit me hard. Every time I hear about a young life ending short it makes grieve for the parents and feel terrible that a young life had to end in such a terrible way.

You make many valid points the most important to me is what we teach our kids. As parents WE are responsible for how they speak and act. Like you say, hate is a learned behavior and someones doing the teaching.

Oct 18, 2010 08:00 AM
Kristen Wheatley
Better Homes & Gardens | The Masiello Group - Brunswick, ME
Supporting Success - Best Job in the World!

James:  I learned this lesson all too well several years ago.  We know a family in Colorado - they have 2 sons.  Actually, they have been my husband's very good friends for over 20 years.  They do not have a racist bone in their bodies and that is how they raised their boys, leading by example.  However, they never made a point of actively teaching them on a regular basis about equality.  They were very attentive parents and by all accounts were doing "everything right."

The oldest son followed the lead of his friends and sadly adopted many racist beliefs and befriended members of a white supremist group.  This was a shock to us all, for we know the family well and know how the boys were raised.

This is why I firmly believe that leading by example is just not enough.  Our deeply held convictions need to be actively taught and discussed on a regular basis.  In the absence of direction from us as parents, children will get it somewhere and we may be shocked by what they learn.

Oct 18, 2010 08:35 AM
Team Honeycutt
Allen Tate - Concord, NC

 Do you honestly believe Christian kids are the ones tormenting these children? I don't. I think they are just rotten kids. Not everyone who considers themselves socially conservative treats others badly. I was raised to treat all people with love, respect, and compassion even if you disagree with their lifestyle, exactly the way Jesus did. The way they live their lives is their decision. Just because I personnally do not believe this is a good lifestyle ( Jesus didn't accept these bad choices. He told them to go and sin no more.) does not make me "homophobic", any more than people who disagree with me are " christianaphobic". Jill.

Oct 19, 2010 05:10 AM
Kristen Wheatley
Better Homes & Gardens | The Masiello Group - Brunswick, ME
Supporting Success - Best Job in the World!

Jill:  Sadly, yes.   I am encouraged by how you were raised and the manner in which you choose to you treat others.  Unfortunately, there are plenty of people who consider themselves Christians, but do not seem to act very Christ like.  If more people lived their beliefs as you do, this would probably not be such an issue today.

I think it would be easier to address this issue as a whole if it was just something coming from "rotten kids."  It would stand out more to us.  However, the hateful remarks also come from adults and children who otherwise seem "normal."  That is the biggest problem.  The slanders and cut downs seem to have become so commonplace that they don't attract the attention and correction from others that they once may have.

Your statement is so very important and is worth repeating- "I was raised to treat all people with love, respect, and compassion even if you disagree with their lifestyle."

I personally know several people who self-identify as "social conservatives" who are the same as you (and I'm sure there are more.)  More people need to realize that they do not have to like, approve of, or condone someone else's lifestyle, looks, beliefs, or whatever else makes them seem different.  No one is forcing them to do this.  However, we as a society do have expectations for how we treat one another.

Oct 19, 2010 05:46 AM
Kristen Wheatley
Better Homes & Gardens | The Masiello Group - Brunswick, ME
Supporting Success - Best Job in the World!

Here is a link to a great article in Newsweek about common myths regarding bullying:

http://www.newsweek.com/2010/10/14/the-nine-most-common-myths-about-bullying.html

Oct 20, 2010 09:27 AM
Susan Mangigian
RE/MAX Preferred - West Chester, PA
Chester & Delaware County Homes, Delaware and Ches

Beautifully done and I suggested it for a feature.  My older boy was dating a girl and he confided in me that she not only hated minorities but gays and lesbians as well.  He said her entire family felt that way.  I told him that these were not the folks I wanted at my dinner table and to move on.  I didn't spend 21 years raising him to be open minded to have him marry a girl who would raise my grandchildren to believe what her parents so obviously raised her to believe.  It's unfathomable to me that people really feel this way.  I won't tolerate intolerance in my house.  My kids would challenge me that this is hypocritical to preach open mindedness and then condemn others for the way they think.   I can't help it.  

Oct 30, 2010 03:14 AM
Kristen Wheatley
Better Homes & Gardens | The Masiello Group - Brunswick, ME
Supporting Success - Best Job in the World!

The beautiful thing Susan is that your son most likely confided in you because this obviously bothered him.  No matter what we do, we raise our children in our own cocoon.  Even when we expose them to many different people and experiences, their world is still made up of their immediate surroundings.  There is often a rude awakening when they venture out and start meeting people unlike any they have known personally.

It is always different for them to know such people exist vs. meeting them in person.  My older son went through the same thing when he went to college.  It blew his mind, but was a great experience.  He tried and tried with many long talks to understand them and perhaps open their view a bit, but in the end, they remained steadfast to their pre-judgements.

You gave him your honest reaction and thoughts and like most 21 year olds, I'm sure he'll do what he wants to in the end anyway.  Promoting openmindedness does not mean you have to embrace the intolerant views of others.

Oct 30, 2010 05:34 AM