Subject: Thank You!!!
Thank You!!!
I must send my thanks to everyone who has sent me the wonderful
info e-mails.
Thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore because they
WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt who requested it.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if
I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Or if I'm not ashamed of the Lord I must forward this
e-mail within five minutes to countless people. Like God cares if you
forward an e-mail.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan .
I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I can now
cough myself back to life instead of wasting time calling 911.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us.
I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer.
Have a wonderful day................. and you're welcome !!
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