> GOD: > Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on > down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, > milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance > garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and > multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts > butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast > garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles. > > St. FRANCIS: > It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started > calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and > replace them with grass. > > GOD: > Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract > butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to > temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing > there? > > ST. FRANCIS: > Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. > They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant > that crops up in the lawn. > > GOD: > The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That > must make the Suburbanites happy. > > ST. FRANCIS: > Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes > twice a week. > > GOD: > They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? > > ST. FRANCIS: > Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. > > GOD: > They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? > > ST. FRANCIS: > No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. > > GOD: > Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, > when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? > > ST. FRANCIS: > Yes, Sir. > > GOD: > These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the > rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot > of work. > > ST. FRANCIS: > You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so > fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can > continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. > > GOD: > What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke > of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to > provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the > ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect > the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life. > > ST. FRANCIS: > You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon > as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them > hauled away. > > GOD: > No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to > keep the soil moist and loose? > > ST. FRANCIS: > After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they > call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves. > > GOD: > And where do they get this mulch? > > ST. FRANCIS: > They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. > > GOD: > Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in > charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? > > ST. CATHERINE: > 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about.... > > GOD: > Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.