"I don't know what to do any more. She and I are hardly speaking and on top of the money problems our marriage is being threatened as well. Is there any hope for us to get out from under this huge payment? "
I was painfully reminded of how money problems are the greatest cause of divorce this week. Both of the families that are being threatened by bad financial decisions came to me for advice as a mortgage loan professional. One man from Escondido contacted me through Active Rain and gave me permission to share his letter. Here it is:
Joey, I'm in real financial trouble. I've always allowed for my wife to handle the bills but just recently found out that she's been hiding our money problems from me. Our house is in (the beginning of foreclosure) and I had to pull teeth to find this out. She's saying that she is going to pull the two late payments from her 401K to get us caught up but we have another $3827 payment due by the 15th of this month. I think that the loan is for $416k and adjustable. I had signed some loan docs January of this year and she's been telling me that the loan was refi'd but it's all been lies. Is there any hope for us to get out from under this huge payment? I'm begging you to please help us if you can. Even if we can get caught up, I don't for how long we can keep up. I did a budget and we just don't have the money.
Unfortunately, after reviewing his situation, there was no loan solution to help them at this time and the home was going to be bank-owned before they could sell it. All I could do was let him know that he's not alone, that people through bad advice or their own bad decisions have been trapped in a corner financially. I said a prayer for him, and encouraged him that although this is a painful experience, it is possible that this could be the beginning of a new start for him and his family.
Here are some ideas to avoid letting money get in the way of marriage:
- Share bank accounts. Some people keep their finances separate thinking it will shield them. What I've seen is that "Where your treasure is, there your heart is also." If you can't share money, you probably can't share your life.
- Be accountable to a budget. My wife and I struggled for years to stay on budget. One of the best tools that we found to keep track of our money AND to be open and honest with each other is Mvelopes, an online tool that keeps track of all your accounts in a very easy way. This link will take you to a free 30- day trial, and HERE's a movie that explains it. It really helped us, and is even kind of fun. Plus, there's no room for secrets...everything you do is there to see.
- Remember your commitment. A vow is a very powerful thing. If you're married, divorce isn't something you should keep in your bag of tricks to pull out any time things don't go your way. That's not to say that divorce isn't best sometimes, but that just because the husband or wife, or both, make mistakes doesn't have to mean the end of the marriage. Most wedding vows say "For richer or poorer."
- Access faith. Faith is keeping hope alive, when all seems hopeless. Let's face it...this is the United States. If you ever lose everything and get to the point where you don't even know where your next meal is coming from, someone is probably going to give you a sandwich. One of the most successful people I know was homeless once, sleeping in his car. You can rebuild a broken relationship and you can build a better future.
- Trust a good friend. There are plenty of people who are in bad financial situations because they bit off more than they can chew financially. Do you have friends that can give you solid advice? For example, I was having trouble paying some bills but really wanted to buy my wife a new computer. It was a good friend who told me that I should hold off, even though I really wanted that computer. My friend was right.
- Work with good people. Just this week a woman called me who I worked with two years ago. Her credit was in rough shape, so her refinance mortgage loan fees were more expensive. I could have reduced the fees, but only by adding a pre-payment penalty or making the loan an adjustable rate, but I wanted to make sure she had the right loan for the long haul. She ended up canceling her loan because some other mortgage lender was offering lower fees. Now her rate has jumped to 10% and climbing...and she's having trouble making the payments. But because her credit is just awful, another refi is not the answer. She'll either have to make the payments somehow or sell the place. Always work with someone that you can look in the eye...and ask for references.
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Joey now this is a powerful post! My husband and I both have access to all financial information. We each have a log-in to our bank accounts and if one of us spends anything the other one knows right away! We have the spreadsheet on my computer and he is networked in and logs into and grabs a copy every couple of days. You just have to know what the other person is doing. I have seen to many people get into trouble because they trust the spouse is taking care of it. Heck neither one of us could buy a soda without the other one knowing about it.