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So often in our quest to keep things "peaceful," perhaps in a marriage, or perhaps even simply being a member of one's own family... the urge for some of us "Peacemaker" types... is to be the pleaser.
Last March I made the trek from Fort Worth up to Cleveland to visit my sister. I had high hopes. She and I had been emailing, and chatting on the phone more often than we had been over the last fifteen years. So... yes, I had some hopes. And in my more optimistic moments... I'd say those hopes even came close to being "high hopes."
But first... allow me to digress for a moment.
Growing up in the late fifties and early sixties, it was the time of Elvis, Buddy, Richie Valens, J.P. Richardson, and Ricky Nelson. That was back when you could listen to music, dance to music, and even understand the words.
Ricky Nelson was one of those teen-age heart-throbs. Just about every girl in the country swooned when he sang his songs on his parent's TV Show... Ozzie and Harriet. A few times he appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show, and many others, as well. To say he was popular would be an understatement. And all Ricky did... was "be Ricky."
That was the late fifties and early sixties. Then... Ricky blended into the woodwork for a time. His popularity lessened for quite awhile. And then he gradually resurrected himself... and with that... he "changed."
Instead of being the "Ricky Nelson" we grew up with... he dared to drop the "y" at the end of his name... and became Rick Nelson and the Stone Canyon Band. Personally, I loved the change. Many did not.
At a long-anticipated appearance at Madison Square Garden... Rick finally took the stage. But... he brought his "change" with him. He was no longer "Ricky"... he was Rick Nelson. And behind him was HIS band... The Stone Canyon Band.
As he began singing... the boos started. They got louder and louder. Ricky was Rick. His fans felt cheated. They wanted "the old Ricky." Nelson was so shocked at it all... he had to leave the stage.
In trying to wrap his brain around what happened... and deal with it... the song "Garden Party" was born. It told his story. Somehow he was able to pull himself together... and in the words of his own song... he came to realize that "Ya can't please everyone, so ya gotta please yourself."
Back to my story: Lunch with my sister at Applebee's in Mentor, Ohio. I think it was March 20th. Lunch seemed to go well... but my Sis was plainly taken aback. We had not visited in person since 1994... and here it was... sixteen years later. She was cordial. I was pleased. It was my Sis. But something else was "there." There was clearly an "edge" to it all.
It became obvious what was wrong. To her... I had dared to change. I had dared to grow. It had been sixteen years since we had seen each other. She was just about the same as when I left Cleveland. Just older... and a lot "grey-er."
Just after we were through with lunch... and each of us left to go our separate ways... I called her on my cell phone to tell her how nice it was to finally get together with her after all these years.
The voice she answered the phone with... was not the same voice I had lunch with. She was upset. She said she was expecting to have lunch with the exact same "me" she last saw in 1994. She said she needed time to "process" things. She asked that I not call her... or even write to her until she "sorted things out."
I waited a few months... and did not write or call... as she asked. Since then... I have called and left messages... perhaps six or seven in all. I have not heard from her since.
It appears that my very own "Garden Party" did not take place at Madison Square Garden like Rick Nelson's did... but at a restaurant in Mentor, Ohio... Applebee's.
I'm still learning the hard way... I guess just like Rick did.
Ya know ya can't please everyone... so ya gotta please yourself.
Karen Anne- bummer that he's she's still "sorting" after all this time, but you've got a great attitude about being yourself.
on the disgress note... My mom gave me all her 45s of Ricky Nelson and I grew up listening to them. I was so sad when we lost him in 1985. I'd just gone to work at a newspaper that every month and when the story broke the wire I sat in floor and sobbed. Most folks my age didn't understand, older ones sat and cried with me.
I didn't know the history of "Garden Party" - I love that song.
It's sad that your sister has not been able to "change" - that's what life is all about. I have become a very different person than I was years ago, but when I get together with my brother, none of that matters. I never thought to consider my fortunate that he doesn't hold anything against me.
I was lucky to be able to see Rick Nelson and the Stone Canyon Band on two occasions. The first time was at Magic Mountain, in Southern California. It was the first time I had ever seen him with long hair.
The second time I saw them all was on a plane flight from Boston to Los Angeles, sometime in the 1980s. Rick and his wife were in first class; but the rest of the band flew in coach, directly behind me, in the middle rows of the 747. Let me tell you, the band members were absolutely hilarious! It was fun just to listen to them laugh and crack everybody up. They did indeed please everybody.
A year or so later, all of them were dead, after a crash of a private plane.
I also had been perceived to have changed, by my sister. She absolutely hated how she thought I had changed, even though what had really changed was her perception of me, and would not even talk to be because of it. Time has helped her to become more accepting, and now we are on better terms. I also learned the hard way that you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself.
Bob in #49: Such great memories you have from that concert and the plane ride. What a terrible waste to have all of them die in that crash. He was such a talent, and he was not afraid to surround himself with such talented people as those in his Stone Canyon Band.
Way, way back I saw him in concert... in a benefit concert in Cleveland for George McGovern during his election campaign in 1972. Picture this. Rick Nelson, Paul Simon, James Taylor, Carole King, and more... all on the same stage on the same evening. What a memorable night.
As to your sister... it is so sad that such little things, whether misperceptions or accurate perceptions... can have such an effect on a family. Change is so hard for some... yet I could easily see myself going to lunch with my sister... even if she were dressed as Lady Gaga, Cruella DeVille, or Vampira, Queen of the night. Who... Cares... ?
It is so funny for me... an Introvert... to be so brazenly "outward" at times, and so inward at others. But, again... who cares ?
Karen Anne - Unfortunately we can't please everyone especially family members. My families life style is almost opposite of how I grew up and unfortunately the rest of my family is still opposite, it definitely causes some awkwardness.
Like many of our generation I watched Ozzie and Harriet, and liked the part at the end when the story somehow turned into an opportunity for Ricky to sing one of his top 10 hits. Like you, I liked Rick better...I guess because I wasn't the same 13 year old in front of a black-and-white TV anymore.
My wife gets along great with her siblings, although she was the only child of 6 to move farther than 15 miles from where they grew up in PA. I think they forgive her for changing. So, she can't understand why I don't talk to my sister anymore than once or twice a year (usually a birthday or Christmas).
My sister and I are your sister and you. I changed and moved away from the protective (stifling?) cocoon of our hometown. She couldn't. Ultimately, nobody is right, and nobody is wrong...we just changed.
Karen Anne, I am going through a similar painful breakdown in relations with my older brother....and for much the same reasons. He is shutting me out and it hurts. My heart goes out to you; You don't deserve to be punished for positive change and growth. Nobody does.
I have tried VERY hard to maintain my family relationships from a distance for the past 23 years since I moved to the USA in 1987. I have learned that some will prevail and others won't. At least you tried!
Karen, I guess I am wondering what exactly she was expecting?? The only thing you can count on in this world is change. Maybe she felt threatened by the change in you in some way. Sometimes people have control issues and when another person changes they no longer feel in control because they don't "know" you anymore. In any case, it's not anything you "did" to provoke that response - you can't control how other people respond. I know that probably doesn't make it feel any better, but it's good to see how much support you are getting here on AR. We are here for you!
Karen, I've been following you for a while and this post is the most personal I've seen to date. I'm so sorry for your heartache. Families can be so hard. Even when we manage to outgrow the role we played in our family when we were little, we always regress during trying times. I agree with everyone who wrote that this is her problem, not yours. Still, I understand that this knowledge doesn't make it hurt less. I hope, in time, it will all work out. We've all been there.
Ms Karen- thank you for sharing your story with us because by doing so, I think it allowed a lot of us to reflect on our own relationships with our family. You picked a great song and one of my favorites to illustrate your point. You tried, and for now, that will have to suffice for you. That and the fact that you are being who you are and we're happy for it.
When I was young, I always wondered why family seldom seemed to be each other's best friends. Frankly, I still wonder at this. Same gene pool, much the same background and experience...what gives?
Karen Anne: You can pick your friends, but not your family. And on my refrigerator is a magnet that reminds me that "Friends are our CHOSEN family." No one can disappoint us like family and it truly sucks. I still have issues with mine and yet another Thanksgiving has come and gone with me feeling like the outcast of the family...again. Daring to be different than your family, growing up or just changing is not always welcome and that's a shame.
Karen, your story reminds me of a client who says "Oh for heaven's sake"! That's what I was thinking about your sister's reaction. Sad that she would waste precious time being so small. I know that it's hard to put this kind of stuff behind you, especially with family. xxoo
Oh Karen Anne. This is sad for me, as I think it is for you. I have always wanted a sister and been a bit jealous of those who have them. Once again, I have learned that a bond with a blood relative is not automatic. I have two aunts in their 90s who cannot get along. They live at different ends of the country. The rest of their family, my mom included, are dead and it is only them (aside from nieces, nephews, etc). I hope things turn around for you and your sister over time.
Wow Karen Anne, It's so hard when someone's expectations gets in the way of their being able to just enjoy the relationships they have. You may not be the same person she was "expecting" to have lunch with, but when she opens up her heart, I'm sure she will discover that you are so much MORE now than you were 16 years ago. I'll be praying for restoration for you and your sister's relationship; and I hope she comes around quickly... Blessings!
Karen Anne I don't know how I missed this when it was posted. And I don't know what you were like 16 years ago, but if you were any different than you are now, I probably wouldn't have liked you then. All that to say this, I like you just the way you are.
The Real Estate Market in Fort Worth and Tarrant County offers such a great value to both "first time" and "move up" buyers. Karen Anne's blog gives you up-to-date market news, and features many of the great homes available at great prices !
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62 Comments on In Trying to Please My Family... I Almost Lost Myself.
I think you'd be a great sis! Enough said!
Poor Rickie died so young with such a nice family and great future...
Karen Anne- bummer that he's she's still "sorting" after all this time, but you've got a great attitude about being yourself.
on the disgress note... My mom gave me all her 45s of Ricky Nelson and I grew up listening to them. I was so sad when we lost him in 1985. I'd just gone to work at a newspaper that every month and when the story broke the wire I sat in floor and sobbed. Most folks my age didn't understand, older ones sat and cried with me.
I didn't know the history of "Garden Party" - I love that song.
It's sad that your sister has not been able to "change" - that's what life is all about. I have become a very different person than I was years ago, but when I get together with my brother, none of that matters. I never thought to consider my fortunate that he doesn't hold anything against me.
I was lucky to be able to see Rick Nelson and the Stone Canyon Band on two occasions. The first time was at Magic Mountain, in Southern California. It was the first time I had ever seen him with long hair.
The second time I saw them all was on a plane flight from Boston to Los Angeles, sometime in the 1980s. Rick and his wife were in first class; but the rest of the band flew in coach, directly behind me, in the middle rows of the 747. Let me tell you, the band members were absolutely hilarious! It was fun just to listen to them laugh and crack everybody up. They did indeed please everybody.
A year or so later, all of them were dead, after a crash of a private plane.
I also had been perceived to have changed, by my sister. She absolutely hated how she thought I had changed, even though what had really changed was her perception of me, and would not even talk to be because of it. Time has helped her to become more accepting, and now we are on better terms.
I also learned the hard way that you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself.
Bob in #49: Such great memories you have from that concert and the plane ride. What a terrible waste to have all of them die in that crash. He was such a talent, and he was not afraid to surround himself with such talented people as those in his Stone Canyon Band.
Way, way back I saw him in concert... in a benefit concert in Cleveland for George McGovern during his election campaign in 1972. Picture this. Rick Nelson, Paul Simon, James Taylor, Carole King, and more... all on the same stage on the same evening. What a memorable night.
As to your sister... it is so sad that such little things, whether misperceptions or accurate perceptions... can have such an effect on a family. Change is so hard for some... yet I could easily see myself going to lunch with my sister... even if she were dressed as Lady Gaga, Cruella DeVille, or Vampira, Queen of the night. Who... Cares... ?
It is so funny for me... an Introvert... to be so brazenly "outward" at times, and so inward at others. But, again... who cares ?
Karen Anne - Unfortunately we can't please everyone especially family members. My families life style is almost opposite of how I grew up and unfortunately the rest of my family is still opposite, it definitely causes some awkwardness.
Karen Anne,
Like many of our generation I watched Ozzie and Harriet, and liked the part at the end when the story somehow turned into an opportunity for Ricky to sing one of his top 10 hits. Like you, I liked Rick better...I guess because I wasn't the same 13 year old in front of a black-and-white TV anymore.
My wife gets along great with her siblings, although she was the only child of 6 to move farther than 15 miles from where they grew up in PA. I think they forgive her for changing. So, she can't understand why I don't talk to my sister anymore than once or twice a year (usually a birthday or Christmas).
My sister and I are your sister and you. I changed and moved away from the protective (stifling?) cocoon of our hometown. She couldn't. Ultimately, nobody is right, and nobody is wrong...we just changed.
I have nothing to add...Wishing you the best.
Karen Anne, I am going through a similar painful breakdown in relations with my older brother....and for much the same reasons. He is shutting me out and it hurts. My heart goes out to you; You don't deserve to be punished for positive change and growth. Nobody does.
I have tried VERY hard to maintain my family relationships from a distance for the past 23 years since I moved to the USA in 1987. I have learned that some will prevail and others won't. At least you tried!
Karen, I guess I am wondering what exactly she was expecting?? The only thing you can count on in this world is change. Maybe she felt threatened by the change in you in some way. Sometimes people have control issues and when another person changes they no longer feel in control because they don't "know" you anymore. In any case, it's not anything you "did" to provoke that response - you can't control how other people respond. I know that probably doesn't make it feel any better, but it's good to see how much support you are getting here on AR. We are here for you!
Karen, I've been following you for a while and this post is the most personal I've seen to date. I'm so sorry for your heartache. Families can be so hard. Even when we manage to outgrow the role we played in our family when we were little, we always regress during trying times. I agree with everyone who wrote that this is her problem, not yours. Still, I understand that this knowledge doesn't make it hurt less. I hope, in time, it will all work out. We've all been there.
Ms Karen- thank you for sharing your story with us because by doing so, I think it allowed a lot of us to reflect on our own relationships with our family. You picked a great song and one of my favorites to illustrate your point. You tried, and for now, that will have to suffice for you. That and the fact that you are being who you are and we're happy for it.
When I was young, I always wondered why family seldom seemed to be each other's best friends. Frankly, I still wonder at this. Same gene pool, much the same background and experience...what gives?
Karen Anne: You can pick your friends, but not your family. And on my refrigerator is a magnet that reminds me that "Friends are our CHOSEN family." No one can disappoint us like family and it truly sucks. I still have issues with mine and yet another Thanksgiving has come and gone with me feeling like the outcast of the family...again. Daring to be different than your family, growing up or just changing is not always welcome and that's a shame.
Karen, your story reminds me of a client who says "Oh for heaven's sake"! That's what I was thinking about your sister's reaction. Sad that she would waste precious time being so small. I know that it's hard to put this kind of stuff behind you, especially with family. xxoo
Oh Karen Anne. This is sad for me, as I think it is for you. I have always wanted a sister and been a bit jealous of those who have them. Once again, I have learned that a bond with a blood relative is not automatic. I have two aunts in their 90s who cannot get along. They live at different ends of the country. The rest of their family, my mom included, are dead and it is only them (aside from nieces, nephews, etc). I hope things turn around for you and your sister over time.
Wow Karen Anne, It's so hard when someone's expectations gets in the way of their being able to just enjoy the relationships they have. You may not be the same person she was "expecting" to have lunch with, but when she opens up her heart, I'm sure she will discover that you are so much MORE now than you were 16 years ago. I'll be praying for restoration for you and your sister's relationship; and I hope she comes around quickly... Blessings!
Karen Anne I don't know how I missed this when it was posted. And I don't know what you were like 16 years ago, but if you were any different than you are now, I probably wouldn't have liked you then. All that to say this, I like you just the way you are.